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michelin89 (f)
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When you're taking the convenant you say for better and for worse, but when love finishes you can do nothing to bring back things as they used to be! You could leave the man but when there are also the kids music changes.
Now I want to ask you are you ready to scarifice your life for the sake of the children by staying with a spouse you no longer love, for the sake of the children? Don't you think a life without love between the couple can be worse than a divorce or separation?
You are free to think if your parents should be leaving such a situation but also think if it happens directly to you tomorrow!
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nferyn (m)
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Interesting question.
My opinion:
1. Once you marry, you are entering in a bond with your wife/husband. It is a long term commitment you should not jump into lightly. That's why I would advise a married couple to be to live together for at least one year before they make the commitment
2. In mutual agreement, the couple can separate, but only after they have tried everything they can to save the marriage. It is important to understand that you must tolerate each others little annoyances. Tolerance, trust and communication are key
3. Once you decide to have children, everything changes
4. From that moment onward, your first and foremost responsibility is the well being of your children. If that means that you have to stay in an unhappy marriage, so be it
5. Having children is the single most important decision you can make in your life. From that moment onward your life is no longer your own
6. If you cannot make that commitment, don't have children, you are not ready/fit to have children
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michelin89 (f)
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That's why I would advise a married couple to be to live together for at least one year before they make the commitment
I totally agree with you!
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Seun (m)
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The idea that, "when love finishes you can do nothing to bring back things as they used to be" is a very false assumption, and it lead to the unecessary end of a marriage. Love towards your partner is a temporal state/feeling, and it's affected by a love of factors including your behaviour towards each other. It's easy to love someone who treats you well.
There is this story about a man who no longer loved his wife and suspected that she was in love with someone else, so he went to his village to ask the elders how to get rid of her. The elders adviced him to treat her like a queen for 6 months, and after that you can tell her to leave your house. The man agreed with this idea, thinking it will be a nice way to increase the pain of the separation for his wife.
So after 6 months he returned to the village, and he told the elders that he had done all they said he should do. He noted that his wife's attitude had changed towards him, she had stopped looking for other men, always greeted him with a broad smile, and so on. The elders said, "very good. now is a good time to tell her to leave!" The man replied, "um, I think my love for her has now returned."
The elders smiled knowlingly, because they understood the origin of the emotion called love. It's very easy to love someone who treats you well. It's very easy to love someone who loves you - because you treat him/her well. So if love has dissapeared from a marriage, with a little counseling I think it can return, but only if you give it a chance to return. Divorce or separation isn't the answer at all.
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debola (f)
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ok i feel the couples should move and listen to GOD words i think that will help them from not hurting and understanding themselfs in a biblical way........because in the bible a MAN THAT FINDETH WIFE FINDETH A GOOD THING.....that means all women are good if you find your LEGO that fits into your ribs......it an interesting institute if you guys are with GOD.......
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nferyn (m)
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The idea that, "when love finishes you can do nothing to bring back things as they used to be" is a very false assumption, and it lead to the unecessary end of a marriage. Love towards your partner is a temporal state/feeling, and it's affected by a love of factors including your behaviour towards each other. It's easy to love someone who treats you well.
[SNIP]
Seun, Do not forget that there is a difference between the time you fall in love with someone (butterflies in your belly, physical discomfort when separated, not being able to think about anything else, ...) and the love you feel in a long term relationship. If you're married, the being in love will turn into a feeling of deep love and commitment: you know each other inside out, you feel connected and the bond you forged becomes really strong. You can easily fall in love with someone else, but you would never compromise that for the love of your life. If you haven't been there, it's hard to explain. The only problem with love is that you actively need to reinforce that bond. If you neglect your relationship, the love is going to fade away |
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Ka (m)
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From that moment onward, your first and foremost responsibility is the well being of your children. If that means that you have to stay in an unhappy marriage, so be it. Nferyn, I can't imagine why you would need to stay in an unhappy marriage just to ensure your children are well cared for. I believe very strongly in a lasting marriage and would do everything possible to make it work (including making sure I get married to the right person), but if it didn't work, I would try to ensure that there was as little anger and bitterness between myself and my wife so that even though we were living apart, we could still ensure that the children grew up in loving and caring environments. I think this is a better alternative that the children feeding off the unhealthy environment that would be created by two unhappy people living together. |
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nferyn (m)
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Nferyn, I can't imagine why you would need to stay in an unhappy marriage just to ensure your children are well cared for.
I believe very strongly in a lasting marriage and would do everything possible to make it work (including making sure I get married to the right person), but if it didn't work, I would try to ensure that there was as little anger and bitterness between myself and my wife so that even though we were living apart, we could still ensure that the children grew up in loving and caring environments.
I think this is a better alternative that the children feeding off the unhealthy environment that would be created by two unhappy people living together.
Of course that's a better solution, if that is possible. I'm a child of divorced parents myself and I know firsthand what the impact is of a fighting divorce. If you can separate without anger or bitterness, it is indeed better. When both parents fight each other tooth and nail during the divorce though, the impact can be devastating. I was just reacting from my personal experience, the generalisation was indeed unjustified. |
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layi (m)
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I'm never an advocate of divorce but i wouldnt advice one stays unhappy for the sake of his/her children simply becasue an unhappy parenting would tell on the children , ultimately.
Rather i'ld advise u work love back into your relationship but i know it takes two to tangle. The other alternative is to seek legal redress to get custody of your children maybe through divorce or sum'n.
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angela k (f)
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I am not going to speak long grammar, all i would say is that i will stay because of my children!  |
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Scorpio (f)
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I would stay because of my kids and i could try counseling. there should be some sort of program that can help us get back on the same level like it used to be before.
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mckaycee (m)
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G..O..D I don't pray to have a loveless married life. If any sin of mine will make me have one, God forgive me, if it will be caused by my parents, God I reject them, If by my enemies, HOLY GHOST FIRE. In JESUS NAME, A.....M....E...N.
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nferyn (m)
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G..O..D I don't pray to have a loveless married life. If any sin of mine will make me have one, God forgive me, if it will be caused by my parents, God I reject them, If by my enemies, HOLY GHOST FIRE. In JESUS NAME, A.M.E...N.
You would reject your parents?  |
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Sir Kay (m)
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I love the contributions of Layi and Nferyn.
Been married for 9yrs now and once had similar experience when the marriage was 7yrs, we sat down without involving anybody and by the grace of God we worked things out.
Today we are like new couples with the kind of new innovations God gave us to apply to our marriage and which is still keeping us going. Prayer works a lot too, just depend on God for assistance.
Am enjoying my marriage o
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hot-angel (f)
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Leave and get custody of my kids.
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shockreaction (m)
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"when love finishes"?
Lol. That phrase sounds so funny.
If you got married to someone, you got married for love. If anything goes wrong, try as much as possible to fix it. Make it up to your partner, forgive, and forget. It makes things get better in the long run. All you need is patience and time.
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mckaycee (m)
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OH NO!!!! NFERYN AND SCORP, you guys are being unfair, I meant whatever my parents did not rejecting my own parents. Will you reject your own parents? Abeg jo!
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nferyn (m)
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OH NO!!!! NFERYN AND SCORP, you guys are being unfair, I meant whatever my parents did not rejecting my own parents. Will you reject your own parents? Abeg jo!
Ok, now you're making clear that you wouldn't reject your parents. It wasn't really clear from your post; It rather confused me |
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nferyn (m)
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Leave and get custody of my kids.
That's extremely selfish; You would't try to work it out first? |
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Scorpio (f)
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OH NO!!!! NFERYN AND SCORP, you guys are being unfair, I meant whatever my parents did not rejecting my own parents. Will you reject your own parents? Abeg jo!
My bad bro, now i see your point |
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ldollier (f)
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EVERYONE NEED LOVE.. SO IF IT DIES.... no i will not stay
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Oracle (m)
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well it'll be hard 4 love to die if itz true love
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nferyn (m)
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well it'll be hard 4 love to die if itz true love
If you don't work on your relationship, it will die. |
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hillkam (f)
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 Hey! Love never dies!!! What happens is that humans beings like the unknown just like that first step into your new office.The routine and just like that couch you bought a while ago isnt any more amazing.The spark is gone but think about it,is it gone completely or is it just that you have diverted your attention to the media definition of love,and for your couch your new investment makes you tick.People,God is love and he is Immortal(no end).So that love that you thought has come to and end is actually there its just the things that made your heart beat then are not the same,,but those things are not love. Dirvoces don't end your love for your former spouse but the cause of that divorce plays with your mind and you subconsciously admit that you can't love that person again.Which is selective forgeting that is subconsciously forced into verbal confessions. Good humans,Quit that thought.Love never ends!!
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nferyn (m)
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Sure, semantics aside, that media definition of love, the one that keeps you happy in a relationship, the one that makes you look at your spouse with tenderness and a caring eye, does die without work. Inside yourself, burried deep, maybe you still have that original love, but it won't come out anymore.
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AngelaZ (f)
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I can stay. Oracle, that is a beautiful Quote " Love dies only when growth stops".
There are difficult times I know, sometimes all we need is to be apart (Not seperate or divorce) to think things over.
I Have tried it ( I mean with my G) and we came back stronger and better.
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MSY
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I have come to realise that happiness is very very important in a marriage . Life is too short to go through it being unhappy . If there is no love , seek love elsewhere .
you wouldn't stay in an abusive and violent relationship because of the kids , would you ?
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Blondie
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If the love is dead, gone, non-exisitent whatever, it would be very wrong to stay for the children. Being together for this reason does not nurture the self-esteem of those children growing up in a loveless environment.
It is better to agree to part and agree to be united in the duty to the upbringing of the children.
I know people will say for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, etc. but if the marriage is poor, is ailing and the people in it can't or won't do anything to bring it back to life, what is the point of living in a morgue? Get out, find happiness and feed it to your children.
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salako
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Love doesn't die because love is a choice.
People love when they see something pure and innocent in others or another that is worthy of their time and effort.
They recognise that persons potentially great contribution to the world and their own lives and so offer their time and effort to aid them.
People choose to stop loving when their expectations of another of others are not reached or satisfied. (i believe this means that if your choose to stop loving somebody it is because you have judged that this person no longer deserves your patients, time or effort).
The thing that people consider is 'lost' is not 'love' but the recognition of that purity innocence and contribution to the world or themselves that their partners once seemed to have.
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emouse
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my dad did not stay for my sake, he my mum had to let him go when things was working out
why stay when you are not happy
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laide (f)
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love never dies! it only dies when people don't know why they married who they got married to.
people don't even know what type of love they are talking about.True love(agape love) never dies
but erotic love which is the love that exists between man and wife last but for only a while so at such
stages("when love dies") its only the agape love that sustains the marriage.
So please marriage is a life thing! don't jump into it cause if u do u will jump out of. To the main topic even if
it will ever die, i will stick to the marriage for better for worse. Cheers!
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