whatelse do you call a blacksheep

my recent posts should say it all
i am ridiculously happy these days
i cant believe that a few days ago, i thought the world was coming to an end
anyway, it happens like that all the time
but i hope it does not happen again
depression could be so bad
T.D JAKES really helped. He's a great guy
anyway, i hooked up with my permanent blind date
he forgave me for going away(i wish all guys were like that)
he is so nice
and i think im beginning to fall in love with him
don't tell me i am being stupid cuz i already know
here's a guy i have never seen
who is miles away from me
and who has a girlfriend
yet im loving him
and trying to stop it
but he has so much become part of my life
something has to happen to end this
he can't end it
i can't
maybe it's time for his girlfriend to come in.
what does she even do all these while
while her boyfriend spends 20hours of a day, chatting with another girl.
i would soon be going back to school
we have been on holidays for the past 3months.
i am so glad this tormenting boredom is coming to an end
i can't wait to go back to school
but watch out
less than a month from now
i would be itching to come back home
that's me, always itching for something i dont have
easily bored
and never satisfied

I consider the design patterns on spoons and plates before I can use them to eat. Some spoons/plates just make me lose my appetite.

When I wear bathroom slippers, I slip on my second toe instead of the first

I use my bladder as an alarm clock. If I want to read at night, then I don’t pee before going to bed

When I ask my dad for money, I raise my eyebrow and spread my palms across my face and wait for him to scream

I break my sim card whenever someone gets me very upset on the phone

I get depressed when I don’t read comments on my blog

Every guy I know says I love him and I’m not just saying it, they make me wonder what love is, and what makes them think so(I flirt a lot though)

For ten years, I have had this romantic on and off relationship with Jesus Christ
I have an appetite for the strangest things when im sick, thinks I would not even touch when I am okay, like boiled unripe plantain with nothing

I have had typhoid once and thought I was going to die. I seldom get sick but when I do, it’s _

I have a feeling that people that use pet names for me, do not like me

I fall in love with little boys who are stubborn and uncontrollable

If I have anything being faulty e.g phones, mp3, dvd players, I hit them on the wall to make them work, if they refuse to work, I throw them down, I can’t stand faulty things

When I was 16, I had a crush on a sixty something year old cook

My favourite pastime is watching kids play, listening to them discuss. It so makes me laugh

I refuse being friends with anyone I have not made my friend

I am either in control of things or I ignore them(I feel I am not a wife material)

I am twenty, I am still in school, I don’t want to marry now, I can’t stand labor, I cannot even stand sex, yet I so want to have my own baby now.

I still cherish every poem I learnt when I was a kid

If wishes were horses
One two buckle my shoe
Solomon grundy
Oh look at the moon; the old woman who lived in a shoe
Two black birds; if; Humpty dumpty
There are some which I can remember just a line, like the one that says

Then he stood on his shoes and he wondered

And another that says

And the plate ran away with the spoon.
I still love to recite these nursery rhymes and nod my head to their rhyme schemes

Black black black sheep; have you any wool
Yes sir, yes sir; three bags full
One for my master; one for my dame
And one for the little girl who lives down the lane

hi
really nothing to say to you today, except that i have really been praying lately
and im seeing myself become a new person
and im really happy, for no cause i can explain
and i would soon be going back to school
and my hands and bones are healing fast
what else?

yesterday, i had this ridiculous date with a guy who asked me out at the cafe.
i  took an interest in him because he was handsome and strangely always quiet
as if he was on dope, high on drugs. that kind of strange calmness
and i waned to know what it was about him, that made him so strangely quiet
i met him yesterday, at an eatery
then when he began talking to me, i began considering the probability that he could be mad

'i don't want to beat about the bush, i want to make you my own' he was saying so boldly.
i was only thinking of escaping and getting home safely.
i was glad to escape his company
but not before i ate suya.
haha, all the silly things i do in this my ridiculous three month holiday

i miss you miss you miss you so much
i went back to school, and you can't imagine the workload
i'm sorry for leaving off like that
i prom ise to never let you go lower than the fourth topic again, never.
i wont deny i have been having fun too
meeting school friends again, catching up
talk about meeting new friends and forgetting old ones.
i would be back tomorrow, with enough updates.
and i would never stay away this long again

I made up with permanent blind date again
We had the time of a lifetime
Living like people in love
We laugh together, cry together, play together, eat together and sleep together
Yet we have never seen each other
Doesn’t that sound really stupid to you
Well I have been doing some really stupid things lately, so big deal
Anyway, I am enjoying it, or should I say what.
I really strongly like him, not love yet
I am not Celine Dion, I do not know what love is
But I strongly like him, though I have never seen him
I don’t know if he is tall or short or a dwarf
If he is handsome or ugly or an ogre
Yet I’m in strong-like with him
Coupled with these is the fact that he has a girlfriend
Whom he obviously really loves (according to a Nigerian guy’s term of love)
You know they believe they are authoritatively polygamous by nature ha ha to that
So I am nothing to this guy, but an object to satisfy his self-acclaimed natural polygamy
After which he would get down with his six-year girlfriend
Going out with a Nigerian guy (given there stupidity) for six years
The girl should be applauded
Even if I was given an opportunity to destroy the relationship, I would not. For the girl’s sake.
I often wonder between me and her who is more stupid
Her for sticking to a promiscuous boyfriend
Would you let your boyfriend, get so close to a girl on the phone. As if your company is not enough for him
Or maybe she does not know, but what kind of a relationship is that if she does not know
Because the guy spends days on the phone with me
Or maybe she travelled and when she comes back, I would be tossed
Or maybe he tells her ‘ don’t mind the stupid girl, she is just getting ideas, there is really nothing between us. Yes they might be that close. Six years is a long time if I need to say.
Or maybe he is really just smart enough to pull it off. Why not, people keep two girls in the same city, why cant someone manage one in another far away city.
All these maybes make me feel foolish
I am obviously the one being used here
Yet everyday he asks me stupid questions like ‘Bright are you using me’
Men are such babies, they need constant cuddling, cradling, convincing like babies
Well the big news is
He is using me, and I am enjoying it.
He can’t break my heart, because even if he goes now, I would just have more time to concentrate on the issues of my life
I would miss him though, but I never had him, so I would never lose him.
It is just that without him my life would be totally bereft of guys, because I have gotten rid of all that used to be around me. And I am beginning to HATE all of them.

Ok now, I am beginning to consciously grow up.
Because I can say it is today, that I consciously let go of one of my childhood great ideas
From the time I was about fourteen, I used to fantasize a lot
About this male just a friend.
A guy who would be so close to me, listen to me, share my deepest secrets, even love me
Yet be content to be just a friend to me
He could have his own girlfriends, and I could have my own boyfriends
But after everything we would know we are best friends, just friends
What an absurd idea. But don’t blame me, as a kid, I read a lot of mills and boon
I have deceived myself long enough
I have good relationships, that led to bad break-ups
Just because I believed a guy and a girl could just be just friends
But now, I am old enough, I have tried and I have proved, that a guy and a girl? Just friends? No! no!
Why is this? I would tell you
Guys (except the God-fearing ones) love adventure, when they want you, they want everything
They want to take everything you’ve got to give
They want to teach you to give the things you don’t know how to give
And even after they make you GIVE everything you could possibly give, they still want more
Yes, they would move on to someone else and try to see if she’s got more to offer
If she does, they stick to her.
If she doesn’t, after getting all they can from her, they come back to you
Let me not deviate from the issue
How could a guy and girl just be friends
Yes, if the girl is ugly, they might be the one making the ‘let’s just be friend’s plea’ (that’s after they’ve straffed her)
But a beautiful girl and a guy? Just friends? How can
How can you just offer advice and a shoulder to lean on
When you can as well offer, the constant psyching their ego needs
The texts that say ‘ I cannot live without you, you are the love of my life’
You can as well also psyche their ego, when they hold your beautiful shoulder and say to their friends ‘meet my babe, the one I have been telling you about’
How could you just be a helping hand, when you can offer sex.
Yes, a guy and a girl can be friends, but they can never be just friends
A guy can be good enough to patiently build the foundations of a relationship on friendship
But after building the friendship, his adventurous spirit can’t wait to get to the next stage
Even the girl too, when the girl is patient enough to build friendship with her
She unconsciously begins to fall for him
How else can I explain this, it is just the way the cookie crumbles, just the way …

I didn’t mean it when I said I didn’t love you so
I should have held on tight, I never should have let you go
I didn’t know nothing, I was stupid, I was foolish, I was lying to myself
How could I fathom that I would ever be without your love
Never imagined that I would be sitting here beside myself
Cuz I didn’t know you, cuz I didn’t know me, but I thought I knew everything
I never felt
The feeling that I am feeling now that I don’t hear your voice
Or even touch and kiss your lips cuz I don’t have a choice
Or what I wouldn’t do to have you lying by my side; right here cuz baby
When you left I lost a part of me, it’s still so hard to believe
Come back baby please cuz we belong together
Whoelse am I gonna lean on when times get rough
Whose gonna talk to me until the sun comes up
Whose gonna take your place, there aint nobody better, oh baby baby

Don’t mind me, I was just singing. Singing like a heart broken person that I am. Hope you don’t mind me. I am missing him so much and if he calls now, I will pick the call, and we will probably start up from where we stopped. God please let him not call. I can’t resist him, yet it is not good to continue. Oh God, let me never fall for someone again

sorry, i would tell you about my theory next time i come online
from school, internet acccess is not that easy
but i would like to think i am trying had to keep in touch.
bear with me

Did I tell you I broke up with my permanent blind date (PBD)
I have made up with him again.
I think this break up won’t just be possible
I have gotten addicted to him
I know it’s not healthy clinging on him like this
I know in this process, I am supposed to be alone to learn to love myself alone
But yet, I just can’t . . . I just so lack discipline
But whatever sha, I have sha made up with him
Let me just see where this leads me.

His Royal Highness, His Excellency, Honorable, Doctor, Barrister, Professor.
I have seen how people who work very closely with my state governor continuously address him as ‘his excellency’. The title irritates my ears and I used to imagine he (the governor) was also irritated by the whole ‘his excellency’ thing until someone told me that you could get into huge trouble for failing to address the governor by ‘his excellency’.
For those who don’t know, a normal conversation between a commissioner and a state governor goes thus
Commissioner ‘His Excellency Sir, have you been informed that the boys are tempering with the funds, his Excellency approved for the construction . . .’ gosh, disgusting.
‘How dare you not address him as his Excellency’ someone queried, ‘do you know how much he suffered before he got here, the money spent in campaigns, the shrines he visited, the EFCC detentions, the . . ., he deserves even more than just ‘his Excellency’
Anyway, my problem is not with the governor and those who love to kiss his ar**. I want to talk about the much ado about titles in Nigerien Universities. I don’t know if it is all universities, but it is getting too unbearable in my school.
Yesterday, I accompanied a friend to a lecturer’s office. We had been going to check on the lecturer since last year because we did not see our results among the ones released for our class. On the long run, the lecturer found my script, and thirty-one others, remaining twenty-eight missing scripts among which was my friend’s script.
Careless lecturer, he misplaces over sixty scripts in a class of one hundred and fifty, and rather than apologize for his carelessness, he finds new words, to abuse, insult and intimidate my friend, each day we go to ask him about the result
What is it again’ he would ask ‘you are stupid, and insincere, you did not write the exams, why is your name not on my attendance sheet, get out!!!’ he would always scream at her
Yet my friend had an alarming faith, and kept pestering him, while he had an alarming vocabulary of insults and kept dishing out more. So yesterday, after he had berated my friend, she became so downcast that she started to lament, trying to find reasons why the man hated her so much. She finally found one.
‘Se, that man is a Doctor?’ she asked me. I nodded
‘Now I know why he hates me so much’ she nodded in perfect understanding.
‘Why’? I asked with all curiosity
‘I do not call him doctor’ she said. My first impulse was to burst into laughter, but when I noticed no one around laughing, I asked
‘But the situation has never arisen for you to call him doctor’ I said
‘No’ she disagreed with me, ‘when I greet him, I am supposed to say “good afternoon doc”, instead of “good afternoon sir”
Everyone around agreed with her, It sounded so funny that I decided to indulge my sense of humor, so I made a suggestion
‘Next time you go to see the man, how about you say something like this “good morning doc, diploma in salesmanship (England); B.A. (Hons) and M. A political science, and M. Sc public administration in the university of blab la”
I wonder why someone needs to be reminded each day of his qualifications. Dare you make the expensive mistake of calling professor George, Mr George. This is the reply you get
‘what did you just say, get out of this office, goat, Ewu, Mumu, Get out stupid girl, and let me not see you in this environment again. Most times the victim ‘gets out’ amidst innocent cries of ‘what did I do. Most times they never tell you what you did, because it is indeed foolish and childish to say
‘I am a prof, and you just called me a mister’
I remember the first time I had a missing script in school, I sought advice from older students and they told me things like
‘go to his office, he would tell you to get out, when he does, fall on your knees, cry real tears, beg him, call him daddy, call him prof, . . .’
Call him daddy? A name reserved for a special, extremely polite and responsible man I left at home. Lecturers can take all the names they like, but not daddy, I told my friends I would rather have a carryover than call anything daddy.
My friends think I need to change, I am too proud, they say, to survive in a university. But I think it is our lecturers who need to change. What do you think.
Exams are going to be starting next week, and ending in May, can’t wait to rest.

i am sorry, i did not write anything for you today
i am starting exams on tuesday, and the whole thing is taking a huge toll on me
these days i seem to be sleep walking from day to day
but i know everything is falling together fior my good results
and i know the boundary lines are falling for my A
i wonder next time i would see you
depression still comes, but there are a lot happy moments now
and i know i would be fine, no matter what it takes
tommorrow is church, i love sundays
i would tell you all about sunday service
later

I have been a lot depressed these days
This is the most tormenting and longest depression since I started having these bouts
I seem to think I know why this is so
It is because now, I decided to face it alone, to stand it and see what it is capable of doing to me
I want to overcome it permanently with the help of the power of God in me
I do not want to run once again for cover, in the arms of loving, waiting friends
If I run into their arms, would they always ever be there
I want to develop this bond which some people have with God _ a friend who would always be there.
Is God really a friend or he becomes a friend through the people he has created
Does God want us to find him or find him in people
These and more are questions that bother me these days
Alone with God is not entirely a phrase I understand
For the past month I have tried it, and oh, I am so going crazy
It seems there is nothing in my life, like I am an empty void, nothing to live for
Does it get like this just before the miraculous bonding with God occurs
I am sick of this, I can’t continue. Jacob was alone wrestling with God, but my case is different, I am wrestling with a defeated devil
This wrestling is unnecessary, because Christ has defeated the devil
I think all the problem is me, refusing to acknowledge that Christ has set me free
But it is not as easy as it sounds. Words, sounds, pictures, films, bring back memories.
I want to get to a part where I can look at those times and smile
I think it does not have anything to do with isolating myself
So today, I started calling back my old friends
And talking to them have made me start to feel life again
I wish I could say that I think this is the real life
But stubborn me, I am still looking for something

On the 31st of Dec 2007, God showed me Habakkuk
Habakkuk 2:2 “write down the vision.
And make it plain on tablets
So that he who reads it may run
For the vision awaits an appointed time
It speaks of the end
And would not prove false
Though it linger, wait for it
It would certainly come and not delay

This is the first episode
I woke up feeling very lazy to pray, despite knowing I had to pray. I had to pray for some very nagging issues. One was my lecturer who is so sluggish in forwarding my results, I needed to pray some speed into him, second was someone who keeps getting money to process my change of course form(CCF) and never does anything. I needed to pray some seriousness into these two people. But after thinking and thinking of it, I still felt too lazy to pray.
I had my bath, and went in search of my class rep, who held my text book in a course in which we had the exam on Wednesday. I went to class and class rep was nowhere to be found, I went to lecturers office, he too had not shown up, I called the change of course guy and he as usual blurted some lies which I had no option than absorb.
Disappointed, I went back to my room, where I read for the exam I was having the next day. around 2p.m, I started out for class again, this time around, I went to my lecturer first. I told him about my result, and amidst smiles, he reminded me that I was just in second year and should not bother about missing results till final year, I persisted and he then promised to accompany me the next day to meet with the exams officer (I wondered what that journey would accomplish) yet I thanked him and left, I then met class rep outside my class and he gave me my book, I called the CCF guy again and he told some lies again. Then I went back to my room again and kept reading for exams
Later in the evening, my PBD sent me a text, saying he would never forgive me for leaving him for a few days. I have never seen anything so self absorbed. He has no idea of anything I am going through, hasn’t even ever bothered to ask if I was fine, all he wants is that I am always there to give him attention, seriously, I am beginning to wonder what I am doing with him.
Because most of these days I feel there are more serious issues than PBD, but I know it is a phase that would pass away, and while this phase is here, I am trying my best to be there for him, and all I get from him is ‘he won’t forgive me’ he told me he is leaving, he would not be able to live with my constantly leaving him abruptly and coming back when I want, I tried a little to persuade him to stay though in my heart of hearts, I really did not mind, did i?
He refused to stay and said bye, I said bye too gladly. Later in the night he called with all his ‘I can’t stay without you gist” I said okay, you either like me the way I am, or leave because I can’t stand all the ‘I would never forgive you’ lyrics. I think he got the gist
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Episode 2
I woke up, did I really wake up? No?  I read almost throughout the night, because I had exams today. Then I went to have my bath. Then three of my class girls came to my room, and because the exam was by 3pm, we decided to have a revision class.
They started calling me robot and would not let me talk during the discussion because I had crammed my note, and kept saying everything verbatim, instead of explaining. (naturally, I find it difficult to explain things to people, I use to think anybody can read and understand, and people who claim to need explanation are just too lazy to read)
PBD, sent me a text message wanting to chat, I gave him a hint, that we were reading, not really wanting to say I was too busy to chat because he is such a baby, he intentionally missed the hint and replied the message, and since my friends wouldn’t let me talk, I decided to chat with him while listening to them, needless to say he was really distracting, and while chatting I poured hot water on the leg of a friend who was cooking indomie
The water was so hot, and there was pepper and oil in it, but thank God, the scald was not that much. I continued chat-revising until 2pm when we left for class. The exam started by 3pm, I sat at the extreme of the class because I did not want to discuss with anyone. I was happy when I saw the questions, I could not just stop smiling, because I had uploaded everything, so then I started to download. I even cheated, yes there were some examples that were just so many that I had to write them down in my phone, then I copied them from there (bad girl- I know).
The invigilator did not catch or even suspect me, because I kept filling my book, and smiling to myself, and talking to no one. Jeez! I was so happy, my boundry lines fell in place. A friend was angry with me after the exam, she claimed she asked me something, and I did not answer, but I did answer, just that she wanted me to tell her everything, so that she would duplicate.
PBD although he knew I was in the exam hall, kept sending me texts that he was bored and needed to talk, sometimes he makes me feel so used. He is so attention-obsessed. I did not even read his text until I came out of the hall 3-hours later. Thank God my phone was on silence, and being put to better uses
Later that evening, I discovered lucid meant clear, so lucid examples might have meant draw, I was so sad cuz I did not draw, only wrote the examples. Then I called a friend I had been avoiding for months, I changed my number cuz of him, he was so glad to hear from me. Sweet friend. Then I slept on my book-littered, bedsheet-scattered bed (what a scene). Cut.
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