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Episode next: soliloquy
What is all these about going crazy sef, if I go crazy soooo what? I would just enjoy my life in it’s crazy state. Life is short and most at all times be enjoyed.
Did I just say life is short, life? Short? A hundred years is not short for people like me who know they are going to live until they choose to die.
But wait, even when we die, who said the life after is not life. Or maybe the originator of that phrase did not believe in after-life.
And here we are following him to say ‘life is short… life is short… life is short’
I must really start being careful about the kind of things I say
Life isn’t short, jare, baba jesus, thank you for making it so
So now, life is long, and there is time to go positively crazy from time to time
Anyway, I went to church on Sunday. I wore a top, a jean and a palm slippers, my friends were just exasperated. People think it is so difficult to define me, that’s me
When you start thinking I am stingy, I give you an extravagant gift and get you confused
When you start thinking I am stuck-up, I greet you so nicely, and you would even be surprised I knew your name
Some days I spend so much time before the mirror, trying to glorify fasion, other days, people ask, ‘why are you looking so simple’?
Did I mention I had a contact lens which often makes me look like a cat
Last week I wore it to my lecturers office, and the following conversation ensued
Mr letura: what have you done to your eye
Bright: (lying) nothing sir
Mr letura: it’s a lie, what is in your eye
Bright: oh sir, that, I just fixed it sir (laughing uneasily)
Mr letura: jesus, you fixed it, can you see yourself, you want to give yourself eye problem, you are disturbing your nerves, what is the essence of this whole fixing it thing
Bright: (still smiling) please sir, it is just for fun
Mr letura: it is a lie, you just want to make yourself more beautiful so that those engine boys would start tripping { (in my school, engineering boys are so notorious)}
Bright: (laughing) no sir, it is just for fun
Mr. letura: if it is just for fun, then stop it at once, before you develop eye problem
Bright: I will sir, I won’t use it again
Mr.letura: (disbelief) your problem is just that you smile too much, someone would not even know when you are serious
Bright: I cross my heart sir, never again.
So that was how I stopped using my contacts. These lecturers just want to kill me, if I fix my nails, the same thing. The annoying thing is that other girls do it, and they do not talk to them. Anyway, it’s not really like I can’t do without these things, it is just that at times I get so bored and the only fun around might be fixing my nails, or eye. Apart from that, I am a simple girl, always with my jean, and top, and palm, why don’t they even appreciate that fact.
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Mammy water syndrome
What or who is mammy water, because all my life I have had people associate me with her.
At home, they associate me with her, because, I won’t miss staying under the rain whenever it rains heavily, and even when I have my bath, it takes so long cuz I just enjoy the feel of water on my skin
In secondary school, they associated me with her because whenever something funny happened during prayers (e.g, people were falling under the power of the holy ghost), I just sat down and had a good laugh)
In the university.
Recently: a friend of mine started to call me mammy water, because of a hair I wore. Then one day we were together in a bus along with a mentally disturbed man. (why is it that in Nigeria, mad people are regarded as always speaking the truth). When it was time for the mad man to get down from the bus, I had to go down to allow him passage. When I got down, he also got down and started looking at me. Everyone in the bus started laughing, expecting him to say something, then he said to the guys in the car: ‘you guys are all staring at her, thinking she is beautiful, but I tell you something, physical beauty 90%, inner beauty 10%, mammywater’. Everyone couldn’t stop laughing, especially as they believed he always said the truth. Thank God I found it funny too, but first thing I did when I got to my room, was to loosen my ‘mammy water’ hair.
Last week: I went back to mr. leturas office, and met him with another lecturer friend, and he started reporting me to the other lecturer, that he once caught me fixing things in my eye. The second lecturer now turned to me
2nd letura: where are you from
Bright: (I told him)
2nd letura: it’s a lie, you look like people from the riverside areas, where they must have initiated you in water
Bright: no sir, I am not from river-side
2nd lecturer: but you look like mammy water.
(even though I had removed my contacts and loosened my hair to please them)
Yesterday: after a friend told me I talked to much, I refused to talk to anyone or smile again for the rest of the day, along the way we met a professor who loved to joke a lot, he started classifying us into girls and girlletes ( he claimed girlletes were little girls who were still too small for the university). He classified me as a girl, and while everyone laughed, I was still frowning. He now asked ‘what is wrong with the one that looks like mammy water’
The constant reference to mammy water has ceased to make me angry, now it just makes me laugh, but by the day it is becoming so much that I am now curious to know who mammy water really is. Sometimes when my friends call me mammy water, I console myself by saying ‘she is a beautiful lady’ then they ask ‘have you seen her before’. Which river can I meet this legendary lady, who seems to be my look-alike
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I went for night class; night class is an interesting place to be. There, you would find that some people are just absurd enough to leave there beds in the hostel and come to class to sleep. Some people come just to play music. some people come to smooch their girlfriend, because there is no other private(er) place they can afford, people like me come to do all, except smooch of course ( not that smooching is bad, but it is bad in night class- you get, it makes them dogs). So I read, slept, and played music until morning, then I went back to my room by 5 a.m still having loads to read.
I kept reading in my room, until 2p.m, then I left for the exam which was by 3 p.m. The exam questions were… hmhhhh… tough is an understatement. The lecturer claimed we were no longer in first year so needed to face applied questions. The first question was to discuss how the Nigerian journalists have applied the development media theory in Nigeria, in not less than four pages.
Four good pages!!! Hmhhhhh…, many people ran away from that question, but yours faithfully who loved challenges picked on that, I found myself writing about the new popularity awarded our beloved ‘rebranding Nigeria’ project. I wrote that now we are aware that we are unconsciously being rebranded. The Niger journalist made that possible, atleast now, I am participating in the rebranding, I have rebranded my diary into episodes, haha. Thanks to Akunyili for the rebranding project, if not for her, how else could I have written four good pages.
I also wrote about Fashola of Lagos. I have never been to Lagos(even though almost of my friends stay there and I love travelling), and one major reason is that I was scared on the place. Stories of snatched handbags, humans turning to yam, four hour hold-ups, lagos was just a no no for me. But today, I can’t wait to be on holidays to visit lagos and see for myself all that the media is saying about oga Fashola. What a funky name, Fashola, fancy his wife calling him fash. Fash honey please … haha. Oga fash. Fash biscuit. Fash shopping mall. Fash fash fash fashola
What else did I write again. Niger Delta, fighting for their rights, kidnapping my dad who did not have any remote business with Niger delta. I sha wrote until it was four pages, but I was not happy after the exam. Instead of the A-feeling, I was having the C-feeling. I hope the feeling is wrong and I pray the boundary lines fall for me in pleasant places
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Today what even happened in this episode. I don’t know. I sha know I was the lead actress, wearing a green top, three-quarter jean and a nasty and mischievous smile and lazy too, lazy smile. There was no light to boil water and I was scared of bathing cold water. PBD buzzed and when I told him I was feeling lazy, he teased me into bathing cold water. PBD (just in case, PBD, is my Permanent Blind Date) has malaria, and he was really complaining and I tried my best not to feel sorry for him. Then I cancelled my trip to the library because the whole morning had almost been spent, and decided to visit the café to update my blog and diary.
In the café, my spirit was dampened due to the few new comments I found. I know I have been so busy lately and I haven’t really been dropping comments on other blogs, so why should fewer comments on the blog upset me. Ask me oh
I sha updated my nairaland diary yes. Atleast here I wont notice if anyone is commenting so my spirit isn’t dampened. And the views keep moving with a G.P, so I love to deceive myself into thinking someone is reading, or maybe they just click and close. Either way, who cares, the uncertainty of it just feels good.
From the café, I decided to cook vegetable soup. Yummy!!! I love it. So I bought water leaf and pumpkin. Then I told a friend to help me buy meat, she left in the afternoon, and I hungrily waited until she decided to come back late at night. My roommate was hungry and begging me to cook fast. I had to still cook for her sake. Finished cooking and en….joy…ed it. Yes it’s an omitted part of ‘my I enjoyed it theory’. I rarely cook, but if I do, I must enjoy it.
After eating, I started feeling sorry for PBD, I realized that I was comparing him with my family, my daddy and my brother know how to take care of themselves when they are sick, without having to scare us (and my brother is only 13) so it’s always scary to hear a guy cry sick. PBD is a baby, I have learnt to take that. So after eating, I called my baby, and told him to get well, I told him that his sickness made my heart sick, so he should get well so my heart could get well. He was so surprised and grateful. It feels good to always show some care, even when you do not feel like, it is just worth it.
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Episode next:
Today, I woke up, with my exams on my mind. The next paper is on the seventh, so I said to myself, there is still so much time to fool around. I decided to update this diary. I wrote and wrote for almost half on the day. my conscience kept reminding me that I was wasting my day, instead of reading,
But you know how they say it. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. So flesh worn as usual. Flesh worn, this flesh sef.
So I wrote and wrote, then before I knew it, it was afternoon, some friends came by and said ‘why wasn’t I reading’. They later left for the library, but before they left I was eating, and I did not ask them to join me.
They said ‘see how you are eating alone and not asking anybody to join you’
I said ‘I only ask people to join me when I feel it from my heart, as for today, food won’t be enough’
Haha, they told me I think with my mouth, do I have to say everything that crosses my mind? How I wish they knew the number of things that crossed my mind, then they would thank me for saying next to nothing.
But really, wait oh. Why is it that in my school, when you want to eat, you must say ‘come and join me’ to everyone around. Even when the food isn’t enough for even you. I know it is polite anyway, and doesn’t make you appear stingy, but really I don’t care if people think I am stingy. So what. But really I am not stingy, that is why I don’t care if people think I am. Na…wa, oh
Have you ever heard the latest version of the word Nawa oh. In my class, they prolong the Na in a deep low tone, then they pronounce the wa-oh forcefully, like one word, making it Na……….aa, a….a….waoh. such a musical tone.
Anyway, later that day, my former roommate came to my room. she is supposed to have graduated but she has carry over courses which makes her an external candidate, Lord, may such terms never be used to address me. The other day, I was telling my roommate which box I would take home in final year, my final year roommate came and started laughing at us, saying we are just in second year and we are talking about leaving. But me oh, I cannot wait, I started from first year to do clearance, as for carry-over, I know it is not my portion, I would never have any because of the boundary lines (yeah, you get).
Anyway, later I went for night class. Boy, you should see how the son of man slept in night class. I slept till my neighbors at the back were laughing and giggling, yet I kept sleeping. I am just impossible. When it was 5a.m, I came back to my hostel and continued to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep. What a dozer.
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Comedy
Gosh today this girl got me so angry that I decided to write
It started yesterday when she bought one food which almost everyone including me hated
It is the native food, of the village where my school is located, and all their native foods taste horrible
So when she bought this food, she started over-extolling the food. I think she was just insecure, she thought we would talk about her for eating the food. People have time for nonsense. Me, I eat the most ridiculous things. My best food is eba, though I am a chic, and guys find that unromantic. Apart from eba, I love African salad (abacha) with moi-moi, and the combination sounds repulsive to most people, I also love agidi (eko) and stew, people try to throw up when they see me eating these, but I don’t mind, I love these things, I eat them, and as the rule goes, I ENJOY THEM. Yeah boy, if I must eat, then I must enjoy it. It doesn’t matter if what I eat makes you think I can’t afford better food. Even if I can’t afford better food, so whatttttttttttt? Why can’t people learn from me, eh the real life is here, growing up properly.
So this girl bought this food, and started to praise the food, like tomorrow no de. My roommate then decided to buy the food, due to the advert. I then asked her ‘babe, how come you dey advertise this food like this today’
She said ‘no, I know you guys would start thinking I cannot afford better food (that never even crossed my mind) but I am just eating this food because it has high medicinal value
Medicinal value? I shrieked, and she gave me the worse bomb
‘the food cures sickle cell anaemia’ she said and I had to burst out laughing. Some people just think that when you do mass communication, you must be an unserious dunce who just came to school to flex. How can someone tell me that. I just kept laughing until I was crying. I was just laughing out of helplessness but I think the laughter got to her.
So since then she started asking me stupid questions hoping to retaliate. First time she met me watching mr.bean and laughing hysterically, and she started to ask me, ‘what is a film that makes people laugh called’ I did not answer her, in my mind, I was like ‘babe, you can do better than this, if you want to engage me in an argument’
Later in the evening, I was saying something about a soap opera when she jumped in
‘what word did you just use’
Soap’ I said
As in, soap for washing’ she asked sheepishly
No, soap opera’ I said, and explained to the illiterate what the word meant.
It is a lie’ she had the silly guts to say, ‘I have never heard a word like that, those things are called episodes’ boy, can you believe that, that someone in the final year in university have never heard the word ‘soap opera and instead thinks they are called episodes. I tried to explain what an episode meant in a soap, but she was arguing so loudly that I lost hope. Finally she decided to consult the dictionary, which was a wise option.
Luckily for me, when she checked the word ‘episode’ and in it I was so glad she saw the word which I was hitting on ‘a part, a part, part, part, part oooh’
Yet instead of accepting her ignorance and thanking me Mr. letura, she started to proclaim her ignorance more loudly, saying that the dictionary definition for a soap opera was a real life happening, like filming the civil war, I told her that was a documentary. (oh, GAWD, I AM SUCH A GOOD TEACHER). Yet she won’t thank me, rather she kept reffering to my reading mass communication. But I told her ‘what I am teaching you is just commonsense, if you want to involve me in a mass communication argument, you have to do more brain storming, than soaps and documentaries, and episodes.
Soaps are called episodes. Hey, this episode must be a comedy. So we ought to laugh here. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Cut
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red sea
« #38 on: May 07, 2009, 03:00 PM » |
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Today, I am faced with something bigger than a red sea.
It’s a problem so big that it is impossible to discuss with anyone except God
But I know that it was normal human beings, with less power than I have, who parted the red sea
It was a normal human being who ran away with Laban’s daughter’s, gods and wealth
It was a normal human being who prayed until there was no rain for three and half years
God is God yesterday, today and forever: he never changes
Since he did all those things in those days, we can do more today after the death of Jesus
I so know I would overcome this problem
Right now it seems so biiiiig, like something lumbering over me
But no matter how big it looks, I have come to the perfect understanding that my limitations are unreal
My light afflictions are but for a moment
If I cannot believe these words and live a fearless life, then the death of Jesus would amount to nothing in my life
So I thank God for these rhema in my life
And I know that in all things I am more than a conqueror, my expectations cannot be cut off, I can never be disappointed because greater is he that is me . . .
Hallelujah, my light afflictions are for a moment, and they work out for me, a far more eternal weight of glory
And tomorrow as I meet that lecturer, I receive the biggest testimony of my life
I cannot be afraid of mortal men
The sons of men who are but grass
Instead I would trust in the lord my God
My father framed the foundations of the earth
The earth is the lord and the fullness thereof
I have got it on a platter of gold . . .
Who told me about lack
Where did I learn fear
Now I know God is dis-teaching and then re-teaching me
To learn to walk in his supernatural grace
Tomorrow, I would tell you my testimony
See ya; life is sure beautiful
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isaiah
« #39 on: May 07, 2009, 03:02 PM » |
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I,even I, I am he who comforts you
Who are you that you fear mortal men
The sons of men who are but grass
And you forget the lord your maker
Who stretched out the heavens
And laid the foundations of the earth
That you live in constant fear every day
Because of the wrath of the oppressor
Who is bent on destruction
…The lord almighty is his name
He has put his words in my mouth
And covered me with the shadows of his hand
I who have set the heavens in place
And laid the foundations of the earth
And said to Zion, you are my people
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I think this is the Fashola episode. I don’t know what’s up with me and this my misplaced humor.
I just fell in love with that name some days ago, and I can’t seem to let go of it.
Today, I kept saying fash fash fash fashola
Fash fash fash fashionable
Fash fash fash uncle fash
Fash fash fash honey
Fash fash fash dear, come this name makes me think of cash
My roommate kept laughing. Then at a time she said “I am not surprised cuz I know you are mad”
People have always taken it for granted that I am mad, cuz I seem to joke with everything. Anyway, I asked her the meaning of Fashola and she said she doesn’t know
Can anyone help me, translate the Yoruba names that make me laugh
Fashola Babatunde(fashionably fash, the Baba even makes me laugh too. Baba baba baba baba ose oh baba)
Dumoye (Dumdum give me some gumgum)
Olaniyi (do you know what this means in Igbo, for crying out loud, I just have to laugh in cap locks HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OLANIYI. I am so sorry, these days misplaced humour is the only humor I find funny, bear with me. But it’s still my diary right? Private thoughts. I would never say them to anyone. I cross my heart. Dear olaniyi. What a nonsense episode. Cut
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Episode: Sunday
It was Sunday, and I love Sunday, so I went to church
We had a guest pastor and he sent me screaming off my chair with this hot message
He said we are not ordinary; no lecturer can misplace our scripts or intimidate us, because we are connected to the maker of the universe
Although I had heard all that before, I knew he was talking to me, because I have so much business with lecturers these days and the thought of meeting them was giving me cold feet
But now, I cannot seem to be able to wait for Monday, when I would walk boldly to those lecturers and boldly demand some attention. Hallelujah!!!!! Hallelujah
But guess what, I did not stay till the end of the service, for two reasons.
1) When the time came for offering, I couldn’t just find my money, though I could vividly remember putting it in the bag . I couldn’t bear the embarrassment of being the only one left on the row when others left for the alter, so I had to make to the door. But before I got to the door, I met a friend who gave me money, so I went to the alter to drop the offering before leaving. (guess what? When I got to my room, my offering was the first thing I saw in my bag)
2) Second reason I left was my tummy. Gosh, the pain was just so discomfiting that I could not imagine ever having prayed to see my period. There must be a special reason for this painful task God assigned women every month, or is it just for fun, but anyway let me not start complaining about it again before it goes again
I spent the rest of the day on my bed, bemoaning my womanhood. There are four days in every month when I would rather be a man, but every other day of my life, I think I am enjoying this side I am on. No wait, I might not really be enjoying it now, but I still prefer it. Men? No! no! with all their issues. Those people? Men? Me? A Nigerian man. Only God knows what I would have turned into if I was a man. Maybe a wife beater or rapist. But since I am only a woman, with no strength to beat anyone, it is easier to go sorting my issues.
What am I even really up to in this episode, only God knows. I seem to be angry with men, I want to overcome this anger, and be able to love everyone, men and women alike, before I would turn into a lesbian. Haha, lesbian, lesbian, lazybian, hahaha. Fashola, fash, fash, fashion, some words just ignite my interest. Words like lazybian and fash-ola. God have mercy on me, what concerns lesbian and fashola? But yet they seem to rhyme. If I were to write a poem, I would rhyme fashola with lesbian
A man called Fashola. A
Had a funny name, that rhymed with lesbian. A
The man just made me laugh. B
And laugh and laugh and laugh.B
God, someone would think Fashola has done anything to me, yet I do not even know what he looks like. Forgive me, uncle fash, I do not even know what you look like, your name just amuses me. It’s a fashionable name. Fash-ola. Whatever.
Cut
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I went for nightclass last night
I had an exam today; oh God I was feeling so sick in the exam hall
I was weak, restless, listless, I thought I was going to have fever
I think it’s just lack of rest
But when I saw the question paper, Halleluyah
My strength was invigorated, glory to God
I began to write my A, and the thought of that A gave me strength
And at the end of the exam, no more sickness Halleluyah
There is healing in the boundary lines
I have two exams tomorrow, I don’t still know how I would pull through that
But somehow I know the boundary lines have fallen in place
I am beginning to run low on cash
And it’s not yet time for popsy to send some money
I hope I somehow get through that too
I paid my tithe, so I am particularly scared of getting broke
Cuz I know that doesn’t happen any month I pay the tithe
One way or the other money would come
One way or another
See ya, life is beautiful
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There has been no light in school for days now
These people sha want us to do riot and go home but it would not work for them
Nobody does riot during my four years as an undergraduate
Nobody, until I say so, and I won’t say so, so no riot.
Because there is no light, there is also no water
No nothing nothing
Everyday I have to go to the tank and plead with some arrogant girls for two buckets of water
I have never gotten a turn at the tank
I am always begging
God, please let’s have our light back, I don’t like these pompous girls who act like owners of the tank
Schizophytas ! yes oh, sometimes they actually fight at the tap, for water
Yesterday night, they put on the school generator, and the girls in my hostel started screaming and jumping
The noise was so much that I could not join to scream in joy
But ten minutes later when the noise had died down, I came out to the corridor and started screaming and dancing
People came out to stare at the maddddddddd person, some found it funny, and some started to ask me
‘please why didn’t you shout when others were shouting, you are disturbing us, we have exams tomorrow’
I told them I am sorry I had to disturb them, but I did my own things different from the crowd, and that I was the only one who had the right to decide when I would shout…
Yeah, my I enjoyed it life!
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so angry. i had a lot of things saved in my flash to post online today, but after saving it in my flash. the only thing i can see here is ooooooooooooooooooooooo,,,, ;;;;;;;;;;; and things like that. i guess i forgot to convert to windows 99. why won't cyber cafes just update eh, just update. anyway, new diaries are coming in. i enjoy reading everyone. i saw the new diary today. cool
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Today I just felt such an urge to sing songs from ‘sacred songs and sorrows’
I wanted to sing sacred songs, not sorrows
So I got a hymn book from my roommate, and sang the following songs
Trust and obey (when we walk with the lord)
What a friend we have in jesus
Count your blessings (when upon life billows, you are tempest tossed) the verse I love most in this hymn is
When you look at others with their lands of gold
Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold
Count your many blessings money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven nor your home on earth
(if you noticed, I changed the last word, because I don’t belong to the school of thought who believe God provided everything in heaven and left us to suffer on earth)
The next hymn was
When peace like a river.
(I heard a really touching story about the singer of that hymn, I won’t tell it cuz I don’t know if it’s true) anyway, there is a particular verse I love so much in that hymn. It says
My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought
My sin not in part but in whole
Was nailed to the cross
And I bear it no more
Praise the lord, praise the lord oh my soul
The last hymn I sang was
My hope is built on nothing less.
(that hymn made tears come to my eyes, I have loved that hymn since I was a child, I loved to sing it, but I never really understood how one could after seeing her family and friends, still say all other ground is sinking sand. But these past months, God has taught me. It is like he purposely brought me away from anything I ever trusted on, and kept me alone in a place, and sometimes I try to run from that place, and anywhere else I step on just sinks fast, I don’t think anyone would understand this). Because of this I have learnt, that finally it is only God who sticks, he is the friend who sticket closer than a brother. I think everyone needs to know this. Be alone and find out the things that really really matter. God would put you through the fire, which might burn but at the end is worth it.)
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Today I was just asking myself some questions.
What really is friendship? What is this thing we do ‘he is my friend, she is my friend, my girlfriend, my boyfriend’ is this friendship thing really as shallow as the ones I know, or have people developed deep friendship.
Since a thousand years is like a day to God, won’t it have been possible for him to send everyone down to the world, one after the other, to live alone for a fraction of a second, (which would amount to a lifetime). So we could live alone in the world instead of co-habit.
What of the story of David and Jonathan?
After pondering on it, I have decided that friendship is real, and God, although he likes you to put all your trust in him, also loves you to make friends you can trust. I have noticed that it is human nature to cleave, to make friends, because people cannot just afford to be alone, it does not look nice to them
That brings up the question ‘why do you make friends’? why do you date? Is it because it is unusual not to. Yeah, people often say ‘you are lying, you are a beautiful girl, you are funny, smart, it is impossible you don’t have a boyfriend’. Does that mean that the ‘ugly, dry, dull’ girl does not deserve a boyfriend’
All these, still begs the ultimate question ‘what on earth is friendship’
Anyway, I am not a philosopher, and the point I really want to make here is ‘no matter what made you find yourself in the relationship you are now, it is time to re-access your stance, and begin to ask yourself few questions
Are you using him’
Is he using you’
Are you both using each other’
Is it something you are enjoying, a life you are sowing into, a spirit you have come to learn and love’
What is love’
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Remember those of us who had to hide out in toilets in secondary school to read people’s diaries
Or maybe I was the only one, yes I know I am weird
I love to read diaries
Diaries contain spirits. Real people, the part of them which they won’t admit to anyone
The part that hurt, the part that feared, the part that cried
In real life, people are super-man
In diaries they are real human beings
Why do people love to hide, has anybody ever stood to ponder on these things
Why do we like to cover some things, what brought about all these pretence
Which life is easier, living the real you, or pretending
Take for example using some make up and wearing a bare face, which is easier
Putting on your clothes and walking naked, which is easier
If you go naked today, people would say you are mad but if you think you are not mad, what then does public opinion matter (please don’t go naked just yet)
But wait, look back, all the people who dared to discard fear of public opinion and dared to be thought mad are the ones who are popular today for having done something
Because the madness of today, is the only thing that would makes sense to tomorrows generation
Every other thing would be old, outdated, yes change is the only constant thing
If you try to conform to other people, you would never rise above other people to become a person
People think I am mad, because there are so many things that matter to people that do not matter to me
Yes, I have pondered on it, and realize that some things which seem to matter, do not matter
If I decide to gobble down my food on my way to class, people think I am mad, but I do not care because I have pondered and realized that change is the only constant thing
In years to come, the only fashionable way of eating might be wolfing it down along the way
And my own way then might be to sit on a neat dinning table and then too they would think I am mad
If madness means not conforming to the world then isn’t it fun to be mad
I am mad, mad, mad, yes, I am mad and glad to be mad. I am mad so what
I wish young people would realize this, it is your life, in your world, yes nobody owns the world so you can as well consider it your own
Please do your things how you want to do it
You might drive someone crazy in the process, but don’t let the world drive you crazy
This is not really what I wanted to talk about, I wanted to talk about diaries. Ok next post
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breathing (f)
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Ok I really wanted to talk about how I hid in my secondary school toilet reading people’s diaries and love-letters
In those days what a boy could not say with his mouth, he wrote in a love letter
I love reading diaries, because very early in my life I realized that human beings are more than their outward appearance
I am an example that people are not always what they appear
There are things bottled inside people that if we hear, might kill us? (serious)
God has given us very beautiful bodies to cover troubled spirits.
In fact I think the more troubled he knew your spirit would be, the more beautiful a body he gives you.
I think it is a challenge, to know which of us would dare to believe that he sees us as beautiful, to ignore this beautiful protection called bodies and show off our spirits
On the internet, I have found enough diaries and private thoughts to last me a lifetime.
I no longer have to hide in toilets to read diaries. The world has indeed become a global village
And I love this, because I love to know people, people not just bodies.
The good thing in secondary school diaries was that you could try to connect the spirit with the boby
In the internet, I have come to know spirits, through their blogs and stuff
I do not know their bodies but I know their soul and spirit
They are not ashamed to expose it because they are anonymous
It is on the internet I learnt that most things that happened to me are normal occurrences
Yes, no one would tell you these stories in real life
But we are not ashamed to say it here because we are anonymous
I am one of them, I am hiding, if someone who knows me reads this, I would bury my head in shame
My spirit, soul and body is not in synergy
My spirit is living a different life on the internet, while my body lives a fake life
I want to come to a point where my spirit, soul and body would come together and not be ashamed
I think that is what God called ‘naked and not ashamed’. I think that is what he means when he talks about ‘entering my rest’
Body, soul, spirit accepting each other as one. I want to come to that point
A point where I can tell my real life friends, ‘to come to nairaland and read my blackblackblacksheep diary’
And where I would tell everyone all that has happened, all that would happen and not be ashamed
Where I would use my real name, my state, my school and not be afraid and ashamed
And still talk about my deepest shames, my fears, my strengths, everything as I do today
Normal people do not do that I know, that is why I am mad
I hope to run this diary until I come to that point. On that day, no matter how long it takes, I would celebrate
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breathing (f)
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In this episode, I am advocating more quality in relationships. It is not always about sex, what on earth is even so special in sex, dogs do it, lizards do it, pigs, the most vile of animals do it, what is sex?
Animals do it in their relationships, some of our relationships even last as short of that of animals. Are we competing with animals or we are trying to find the real quality in our lives as human beings?
Take a look at old people who have had sex to the fullest, I don’t see them looking with envy upon young people who are jumping about men, I see them look with pity. Not pity, but an emotion I cannot place, something that could mean ‘if only these youth could look for the main things in life).
Even the whites whom we claim are civilized (gosh) and see no big deal in sex before marriage, I watch their movies and I see how uncomfortable they get when their daughters want to go into sex
If you have a friend, it is time you be a friend too. Sex might not be bad, but it is definitely not everything
What does the question ‘how was your day’ mean to you
Are you so used to hearing ‘it was good, and yours’ that even when the person says something else, all you hear is ‘it was good’
Try to show you really care by saying ‘what made it good’. People find it so difficult to listen, but listening has never killed anyone. If he/she is going to bore you, then why on earth is he/she your friend, (for sex)? Why don’t you leave her and find someone whose day would not bore you.
But as long as he is your friend, it is your job to listen to every boring detail of his life. Do you know what he is? Your friend, yes that is what the word means honey
Secondly, they often say ‘a friend is one who tells you the good and the bad’ but I only agree to an extent. I think a friend only tells you the bad you need to know and which nobody else has told you. If you had a flat nose, everyone tells you that, your enemy, your sibling, the ordinary passer-by, everyone including your friend.
What is the meaning in the word friend? Why do you need to tell him about his flat nose, is it so that you make your nose look more beautiful, or you amuse yourself, or to subject him to you, make him feel you are the only person who will accept his flat nose. If you are really the only person, why don’t you show it by refusing to see it (think of how you cherish some of the friends whom haven’t told you some of the things everyone told you, the things you hate to hear).
Yes I know that some people are so praise-starved that any little compliment you give them makes them become too proud, yet I would rather one kept quiet than say negative things to a person
Thirdly, I really don’t know how to treat a friend, not to talk of teaching anyone. But I am trying to say that we define food as something to eat, we define a sister as a female sibling, but friends are all over the place, yet one cannot readily define friend, or love. And yet friendship and love is as rampant as food, and sisters. It is time we start looking into our relationships. let us make our own definitions of friendship. Time we realize that human beings are not just bodies, after we have got to know the body we should reach out to know the soul and spirit. People have already discovered sex, discover something new in your relationships, leave the glory of sex for the man who discovered it.
See ya, life is beautiful
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breathing (f)
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Today, I want to do a thankful post. Just appreciate God and nature.
I remember the night when I decided to start this diary, like some two months ago
That night was the bleakest night in the history of Bright’s life
I cried from night, to the next morning. I am not exaggerating. It did not even get to a point where a fell down on a wet pillow and slept off
I was typing on my laptop, with tears falling on my keyboard, so much that I thought it was going to spoil
That night, I tried constantly to look into the future, but I saw nothing
I could not imagine myself alive, happy, smiling today
God, how did I even have the idea that night to start this diary
Because this has really helped me
Infact, apart from God, this is the only thing that helped me
In addition to that, this diary has helped me develop a personality
Before that I was just, gosh I did not even know who I was or where
I was just sha something defined by everybody except me
But this diary has helped me know that there is really someone called me
Not scraps of incidents from the past, but a personality
This has helped me do some soul searching, some serious soul searching
I am so loving this, so loving this
I would run this diary until my post would be four hundred and something and my views many like that cyber café guy
I am making these promises because I can’t seem to be able to commit but I try to keep promises. This episode was a thankful post to my diary, the next would be a thankful post to God
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breathing (f)
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I am frequently inspired by king David in the bible, because I see him to be just like me.
He gets depressed often, and other times his happiness is infectious
I have done many depressing posts, I want to do a thankful post, like one of king David’s
Where he talked about nothing negative but thanked God for even the most insignificant things in his life. Here is mine. You might not understand some of the things I say because the testimonies are too long. Okay
Praise the lord oh my soul, for his steadfast love endures for ever
He formed me and kept me in my mother’s womb
When nightmares came as a child he brought me up in his hand
He took me away at the ripe time to see his salvation
He made me wiser than he made my mates
He gave me the best of every earthly thing
He protected my going out and coming in
He made me specially beautiful
He kept me from destroyers of the soul
He always keeps me where he wants me to be
He made my mistakes to work greater good for me
When I got tired and ran away, he shielded me from my pursuers
He was unfair for my sake
He gave me a receptive spirit, brought me to the right congregation
The nights when I thought I could not go on, somehow, just somehow, he brought me through it
I don’t know how he brought me through it all so I learned to trust in him
When all other ground was sinking sand, he remained my firm foundation and solid rock.
Halleluyah! His mercies are so great in my life that now I have to sing
On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground is sinking sand.
Through it all, through it all
I have learnt to trust in God, I’ve learnt to trust in him
Through it all, through it all
I have learnt, to depend, upon his word
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breathing (f)
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Just the other day I was reading a story
From 2nd Samuel chapter 13; about Annon and his sister Tamar
Annon, fell in love with his sister Tamar (can you imagine that, upon all the fine girls around)
He fell in love with his sister Tamar because she was beautiful and she was a virgin
The world never changes, even today, they pretend that they don’t care for virgins, yet in secret, they go about raping them.
Anyway, Tamar’s story really was touching. Innocent girl who went to cook for her sick brother.
And notice the way she pleaded with him when he wanted to rape her, all the reasonable things she said
And how he did not seem to notice, it was as if he was bent on punishing her for being beautiful
Another thing about the story is the servants. He sent them out before he started, did they go so far they could not hear her screams.
The world of today is not so much different from that of bible days. Brother still rapes sister, people still pretend as if these things do not exist.
Absalom, Tamar’s brother from the same mother, later killed Annon for raping his sister.
I read another story, from Genesis chapter 34
When Diana, the daughter of Jacob was raped, they say too that her brothers killed all the men in that city
But after the revenge, the bible fails to talk about the girls in question
Did they recover from the rape, did the revenge add or remove anything from their sorrows
The bible says Tamar lived the rest of her life in desolation in her brother’s house
Does that mean she never got married, she never got over it? That’s what I want to talk about
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breathing (f)
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episode
« #53 on: May 21, 2009, 07:46 PM » |
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Yes really, I know there is no one that could help me, or any other person at that, except I decide I want to help myself.
And I know the days when I did not want to do anything but cry, lament and feel bad
And I know also that those days sometimes come back today
I know also that there are days I wanted help, though I knew I was not going to get it
And there are days I was just comfortable to cry and cry and cry and not act
And there were days I thought that if I cried hard enough, I would cry away my past
And there were days I thought I had realized that I would never overcome anything, that I was a permanent failure
And there were days I thought I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel
And there were days I thought I had just been deceiving myself
And there were days I made myself feel like the world’s biggest failure
And there were days, my friends made me feel like the world’s biggest failure
And through it all, I just want to sing a song. Here it is
There are days, when I feel, the best of me, is ready to begin
And there are days, when I feel, I’ve let it go, I’m soaring on the wind
But I’ve learnt in laughter and in pain
How to survive
I get on my knees. I get on my knees
And there I am before the lord, that changes me
See I don’t know how but there is power when I am on my knees
There are some songs I think the singers knew me. I cannot explain the power that comes through prayer
I don’t mean the prayer where you break down and cry in self-pity
I mean the prayer where you declare every good thing God has said about you
So much power comes to you then. You would think you can’t make it, but just somehow you see power bringing you through. You would find yourself constantly thinking of drugs, but not doing drugs, constantly thinking of the wrist and knife but not doing it. Later when you look back you would wonder how you got through it. You would look at those bleak nights and just wonder
‘God, how, how, how, just how on earth did I get through all that’
That is the difference between the sinner and the righteous man. Though the righteous falls seven times he still stands. The sinner goes through the fire and comes out screaming ‘there is no God’. The righteous man goes through and screams ‘though he slay me, yet still I trust him’.
After everything, I am left to wonder. How come everything seems to make me more sure of the existence of God. Seems all these is pointing me towards the real person I am
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breathing (f)
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In this episode, I want to talk about some personalities I admire. I love all of them for one thing they have in common. They are people who have dared to step out from the traditional ways of doing things. People who dared to be original
Robert Fulghum: though I have never seen or spoken to him, or even read anything from him apart from his book entitled ‘it was on fire when I lay down on it’. That book really impressed me, and for now he is my most respected role model. I like the originality of his works. He seems to try to discover meaning in the things which most people have discarded and written off as nothing. And his dry sense of humor so makes me laugh. He keeps reminding me of myself. The way he takes things easy and sees meaning in strange things
Kirk Franklin: all his songs sound like they were sang for me. Most of my friends criticize his songs as too noisy and unreligous, if only they could sit down a minute and listen to the lyrics, it could change their life forever. But then, people never seem to want to leave the traditional way of doing things
Bishop T.D. Jakes: I discovered him not too long ago, and he has been a really strong force in developing me. I think he is a gift. Pastor Chris Oyakhilome: I love his messages. People say he preaches prosperity, if only they could sit down and listen to him, it could change their lives forever. I love him for being original, for daring to step out and challenge tradition which has eaten so deep into the church
Asa: I love this babe. The originality of her music just drives me positively crazy. And her words make sense. Great sense I mean. Right now, subway, is my best track. Before it was jailer. She is just cool, and original
Charles Dicken: my favorite book is his ‘great expectations’. I love how he told a whole good story like that infusing humor through it all. Until I am able to achieve that, I won’t publish.
I think these are all for now. One good thing I like about these people is the originality in their works. The way they dared to step out and ignore the usual way of doing things. That is one thing I really want to be, original. I would rather not do anything, than copy anyone
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breathing (f)
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Here is a nairaland conversation I imagined long ago. It is fiction, but you can call it non-fiction if it has ever happened to you, because it has never happened to me too.
Hello, ‘he said, he sat before his laptop, hands still typing away at the keyboard.
Hi there’ came a girl’s voice at the other end
It’s me, guy from nairaland’ he was surprised at her voice, somewhat hoarse, he wondered what he was expecting.
‘Oh you’ she sounded excited. A hoarse voice with a high pitch. It was bad
So you recognize me’? he asked, he knew she did, but there was nothing else to say
Yeah, I know I gave you my number, on the forum’ she quipped, he decided she was a chatter box
She continued ‘you mentioned wanting to see me, I’m in lagos, would we see today’
That was too forthright’ the guy thought, he had expected the girl to wait for the invitation. Yet in a minute he decided, a hoarse voice did not necessarily mean an ugly face, he would take the chance.
Yeah, I was actually planning to invite you over’ he lied
Where do you stay’ the girl was quick to ask
Ejigbo’ he said hesitantly .
Oh ejigbo,’ the girl sighed ‘I don’t think I have enough money to come over there . . .’
There was an uncomfortable pause, where he felt she wanted him to say something, which he would not.
‘Could you send me some airtime, I could sell it for the T-fare’ she said boldly. He knew it was coming.
‘Why don’t you borrow from a friend, I would pay you when you get here’ he said smartly.
She did not hesitate before she said, ‘there is no friend to borrow from’
The guy took some time to think, about the girl. On the forum she was fun, she wrote wisdom and spurned out wit, on the phone, she was hoarse and too forward for his liking. He concluded that in person, she was going to be much like the person she was on the phone.
‘Babe, the problem is, I’m not in Lagos right now, I’d get to you as soon as I get into town’ he said hastily, terminating the call
Right there before his laptop, he decided, she was much more better on the forum
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breathing (f)
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To every broken person that may read this thing
To every boy or girl that feels the sun is gone
I know exactly how it feels, to lay in your bed all night
And cry . . . and cry
Don’t you worry God is faithful and he cares
For all the … and the pain you feel in there
Cuz when you are weak, that’s when he’s strong
Even though you don’t know how…
That’s a part of a Kirk Franklin’s song I love very much. I don’t really know all the lyrics but then I feel the words I know.
God has been so good to me, now I understand why people say God can take the pain away. He really can. And for your shame he gives you double. He has been so good to me
I once told you about a problem that seemed bigger than the red sea. God was so faithful to me in that problem. The lecturer was so nice. He is the kind I can bear to call daddy. He was so like a father, so cute, so fatherly as in. and every other thing is just working out together for good for me. My exams have been nothing short of great, no awesome is the word. And God provided money for me when I said I was broke. My testimonies are so great that I really cannot tell them one by one. I have two exams left. Rumour has it that we are on strike. Some say our exams have been post-poned. Gosh, I don’t want to wait again. I feel like leaving school. But surprisingly, for the first time I don’t feel like going home. I am scared of home. Home might make me remember things I forgot, maybe I won’t go home, I’d just stay for second semester.
I am submitting three short stories for a journal they want to publish in school. Wish me luck. I have to go. I have been so busy lately. Forgive me dear diary
i want to change my signature from blacksheep, lets see how it goes
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breathing (f)
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I have gotten so sick of this whole episode thing. I mean, it’s true that life is like episodes.
But then I keep losing track of what episode it should be, which makes me keep saying
Episode what’ episode whatever’ and that doesn’t sound good
So I’d go back to giving the posts a real heading.
Do you like ugly betty. (just felt like asking) cuz I do
I was watching something called “scrubs” the other day
And I watched the part of that 72 year old woman who wanted to die, and whom JD wanted not to die
That woman seemed so satisfied with her life that I said to myself
‘this is how real life should be, but it’s not’
At every point in our lives, we should feel fulfilled for that moment
This made me start imagining things I would like to do if I had two weeks to live
That would be the next post. Some things might sound absurd, but try to remember I’m mad, that sure would help
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breathing (f)
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IF I HAD TWO WEEKS TO LIVE
I would wish I had achieved the following
A boyfriend, who I really love and who really loves me, and doesn’t want sex from me (I know it’s impossible, it’s just a wish)
Me and that boyfriend would go for a long walk, in a place where the weather is nice and windy, no sun and there is neatly cut grass or even overgrown, who cares, just let there be grass, vegetation and no building, vehicles or humans in sight. (just a walk though)
I would wish I had spent a day alone in a windy place, neatly cut lawn, lots of things to eat, nobody in sight, no cars or buildings and no sun
I would wish I had given birth to a baby
I would wish I had published a book
I would wish I had asked 30 poor kids for their most bothering need and fulfilled it
I would wish I could tell my dad ‘I love you dad’ not with signs or actions but with words, not just ‘I love you’ other things, and I wish he could do the same
What else would I wish, I would wish I could see the grade I finally came out with from the university
I would wish I could see the man I finally married and what on earth had made me love a man so much as to marry him
I would wish I had travelled around all the states in Nigeria (that had always been my dream from secondary school, but school work doesn’t let me move around)
I would wish I had practiced journalism for atleast one day, written something that infuriated some bad government, gotten imprisoned for some few days, then my name would be continually mentioned in some first/second year mass communication classes as a bold journalist.
Whatelse, I would wish I had learnt how to swim. Or that there was a heavy storm and I had stood under it a whole day.
I would like to see what I got in my M.C 241, public relations and G.S 105: Natural science1. I hate that course.
This is all I remember now, no wait, there is a particular group of friends I would love to spend my last two weeks with, I would travel to them, then we would drink, laugh, and joke about what kind of death I am going to have. (weird I know) that’s why they are my best friends
Okay, I am not planning to die, the whole concept behind this was to find out the things I really wanted to do but haven’t done. I might even start thinking about doing some of them, like the 30 kids.
See ya, life is beautiful
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breathing (f)
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Has anybody ever felt like this or it’s just me
I feel like my former life is finally over
That so much has happened that I can no longer be the person I used to be
And these days, even if I try to be the person I used to be, it is not possible
Loving is not possible
Trusting is impossible
Even committing to everyday friends is impossible
Making normal light conversations is impossible
Caring about anything, not about people now, about things, like books, food, is impossible, everything tastes the same, nothing brings joy anymore
So you get when I say I feel the former life has expired
And I feel like I have left the former life, and it is impossible to go back
And now I am supposed to find a new way of life
New favorite food, new hobby, new friends, new life
But while I am looking for a new life, while I am between this old and new life
I feel I have no life at all now, I feel dead… DEAD
Previously when my life got this boring, I just prayed for something new to happen
But so many new things have happened, and nothing seems to get my interest, to pull me back to life, I feel like I’m dead and drifting along.
Sometimes I even wonder if I am dead. Am I dead?
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breathing (f)
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Hey diary, I have been away for so long.
I finished my exams, and travelled to my village. I didn’t want to go home
And internet service doesn’t like my village.
Anyway guess what? I am the most confused girl on earth right now.
I once said I was going to be dating someone now
I don’t even know
I worry about so many things, and if I keep this up I might soon develop high BP
Sometimes I get so angry I feel I’m going to have ulcer
Sometimes I worry about so many things, even stupid things, things so far away.
I have become a worrier, worrying for everything and everybody
Here are the things I worry about in my next post
I want to limit my posts to not more than 500 characters
I don’t like long post
And I am planning on reducing the emotions here, I beginning to sound so emotional that I do not even like to read myself. Lets see how that goes
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breathing (f)
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I told you guys I was dating someone. He is going to start featuring here a lot. So we better give him a name.
What would that be. Help me choose. He is quite handsome. What?should? i? call? Him?
I liked calling PBD that? I want a name like that too. Okay, let me choose three words to describe him, then I would know what to call him. Full of himself, insulting, and tactless. How is that? Bad I guess. Okay lets look at the good qualities.
He is quite, handsome, and caring. Can we then call him QHC. It doesn’t sound that nice but I think that’s what we would call him
But wait, would I be able to call him that when I am angry with him. No. lets change it.
He is kind of bitter sweet? Last semester we were taught the carrot-stick approach and the onion-doughnut approach. Both means bitter-sweet. I think I would call him my carrot-stick. How does that sound. Not so good, but definitely better than my onion doughnut.
Ok, I worry a lot about carrot-stick. I want to go out with him but I am scared, I don’t know why. Maybe I don’t know why I really want to go out. Anyway I decided to list the things I like about him and those I hate. Let’s see how it goes.
Things I hate first. Next post
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breathing (f)
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I hate that he wants to see me every day. It makes me want to avoid him. I love my space
I hate that he thinks he can jokingly use words like ‘blockhead’ for me, and believes I should be submissive by not also jokingly calling him blockhead. Because the bible says …
I hate that he drinks and smokes. Though he does not do so around me, or when he is coming to see me.
I hate that he lets me walk closest to the road and doesn’t even think anything is wrong with that. And if I walk inside he would say ‘you want me to be hit by a car?’ imagine that, as if I was supposed to protect him
I hate that he is tactless in his choice of words.
I think he is high tempered. But I have never seen a display of his temper. If you get him angry, he takes it out on himself.
I am scared that he trusts me so much. You know how I easily get tired of things and people. I don’t want to be a heart breaker
I think that this is all for now. I think I can bear all these for now. If he is insulting, that makes two of us and that might not be easy. I manage to stay away from him at times without provoking him. He doesn’t drink and smoke around me. I think I am willing to live with these. Lets talk about the good jare. Next post
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breathing (f)
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novels
« #63 on: July 04, 2009, 11:47 AM » |
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I AHD SO MUCH TO SAY. but now i can think of nothing but i have catarrh. this diary used to be everything. now i am beginning to loose interest in it too. i fell like it is time for something to happen. i have to make something to happen. i have been long dead. i have lost interest in everything. i need novels, yeah, real good novels. novels!
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