whatelse do you call a blacksheep

yeah. i'd be back. I am good. Carrot-stick came back, i'd gist you later. I am enjoying this endless strike this week. i would be back with gist. bye

back to the girl i used to be. no much use to whine here again. but i would be back to just gist. i miss you dear dear lovely diary. seriously!

Okay, here is the full gist.
Carrot-stick called. Somehow somehow, we managed to continue in our rot
Until last night, I thought I could no longer take it. So I summoned all the courage and said
‘I don’t understand what this is, we are doing, but whatever it is, I am really tired’
Gosh, it sounded like a movie. And he started all the why’s, and the please’s
Can you seriously be enjoying this relationship’ I asked him
He said he was enjoying it, obviously to my own detriment. I told him I couldn’t continue to suffer for him to enjoy himself
He begged and begged. My fault, I should have used the ‘no reason’ approach.
He then said, I should give him one week, for him to make me enjoy it
‘How can you give up so easily after everything’ he asked
‘Every thing has been work, all work, no fun, if that is what a relationship is, I don’t want to be in it’
And he said. ‘suggest ways I can make it fun, and give me one week’
Then I was helpless again. Anyway, one week is no big deal. So I gave in, with new conditions. I gave him six conditions, I would tell you about it in the next post.
Anyway, if he broke any of the conditions in a week, then I can go without him begging again. Sounds okay right?
Carrot-stick is a nice guy really, but maybe the niceness is just buried deep inside him. And he pushes me at a ridiculously fast pace. I can’t remember when we were just friends. As in just friends, all I remember is him always always squashing me to death

i actually suprised myself today calling me a stupid girl, but fact is, i did something very silly today
promised Damon i was coming to see him in his house
then i told God, 'if you really dont want me seeing him again, just make it impossible'
and God did.
Demon spends hours everyday pleading with me to come and visit his house
today i finally told him i was coming
and he was so thrilled
yet he was so busy through out the day, and we couldn't see
he called to make it tomorrow, but i refused
God made it possible for me not to see him today, why tomorrow

anyway, remember that guy i told you at the beginning
who took me out on a date and never called again
that cute guy? yeah remember
i saw him again, last friday
i have been praying to see him all through that time
cuz i couldn't just believe after having a date with a guy he could just not call
so we bumped into each other
and he said 'i lost my phone'
i never considered that option
i was sooooooooooo glad to hear that.
but i didn't give him back my number anyways
i want him to sweat for it this time
maybe if he sweats, he wouldn't misplace it that easily
so i have been going to the cafe everyday since then, hoping i bump into him
that guy is cute mehn
and i am looking for a cute guy to kiss
that's the stupid me talking now!

I have issues. Plenty of them. when I began this journal I stated I was here to talk about nothing else but my issues. I just like to talk about them. believe me they don’t bother me as much as it looks like they do. Someone who knows me, will know I just like to talk, so here is some more issues.
Lastweek thursday was unfortunately Nigeria’s 49th birthday. It makes me want to spit. Anyway, I appreciate the fact that unlike me who just sits on her lazy behind and discriminate Nigeria, there are people who prefer to work, make money from Nigeria’s independence day.
So yesterday, there was this fat for nothing guy at the café, who with all his fat, was a yahoo boy. He called one oyibo like that and was psyching her with stories of how poor we are in Nigeria. No wait, the oyibo called him. Oyibo girl. You should hear him. ‘yes today is our independence day celebration, we are poor, it is so bad…’ you should hear how he pronounced bad, like bed. I was so irritated, and this oyibo girl was there wasting her credit(if they actually buy credit) to listen to and believe all his trash. How could she believe him. It was just appaling to know that there is someone in the world still that vulnerable to yahoo-yahoo. And more appaling was the fact that the guy was going to play on her trust get all her money and walk away without looking bad. I felt bad for the poor girl, I pray God give her enough sense to sense his deceit, and I felt like screaming…’everyone beware of these guys who paint Nigeria black even on independence day’… this coupled with ASUU strike, I had a bad independence day celebration. And I was forced to imagine whether our education sector would have been this bad if we were still colonized.

I have figured I am one of those people who like all romance and no work. In relationships, I like the beginning, where we are both bent on showing our partner just how romantic we are. When that fizzles out, I never take the next step. I just break up. It is a pattern. I keep doing it. Is this ever going to stop. When am I going to really be in a relationship. Guys I was madly in love with years ago, now I see them and no matter how we try we can’t just bring back the spark, and I would just wonder. ‘what did I see in him in the first place’? what am I supposed to do.

Cyber café guy has stopped updating cuz there seems to be ASUU strike at the cyber café. And the girl next door who posts pictures and deletes previous posts is nowhere to be found to. And the other girl, at the other next door, who posts a lot of useful tips and also deletes previous posts comes in once in a while. Whose updates am I supposed to read now. Honestly!, there is a new ‘journalist’(new diary just started, I hope she!/he) sounds like a she updates. Me myself, I am becoming rare in these parts. Even most bloggers are abandoning their blogs. What is going on sef. Now you see how jobless I am? I’d just do blogs then!

ASUU is killing me softly with it’s love for me. ASUU wants me to have the best education yet ASUU is killing me. everyone is saying that we would soon be going back to school, I wish I could be as optimistic as they are. I rarely get optimistic cuz I do not like disappointments. I really want a miracle. I am so bored, I am becoming boring. My diary is bored. Nothing but stupid boys, that’s all I talk about these days.

Anyway
Am I self destructive? I have been wondering. Do I just purposely do things to get myself hurt? I have been wondering about this, and I have realized that, yes I am. I don’t gain anything from getting hurt yet I keep doing it. It is almost like I am punishing myself. When would it stop. Till I kill myself? But I am dead already. Emotionally dead. I would tell you everything about this in a later post I am gonna title ‘fatal attraction’
I have become sooooooooooo pessimistic. I have not been to church in a loooooooooong time now. I have not read or attempted to read the bible in long weeks. Everyone I meet these days is an atheist, and when I hear them talk I feel like standing up for God, but I just feel weak. God can stand up for himself. Check out this blog and the nonsense they spew. www.eche-crates.blogspot.com.  I want to tell you something regarding such things in the next post


okay back to the point. I am bored. Really bored!. I need novels. Real good African novels. Though they are cheap, I cannot afford them. ASUU strike is dealing with my wallet, as my only source of income(my parents) wont give me pocket money unless I am in school. Anyway, I am waiting for my birthday in 19days so my dad could give me money as my birthday gift so I can buy real good African novels. I have read ‘unbridled’ but I want to own a copy. I want to read Uwen Akpan, especially the oprah’s  ‘say you are one of them’. I have never read ‘half of a yellow sun’ can you believe that? I want to buy it too, and I want to buy ‘the thing around your neck’ among others. Novels are cheap, I would be able to buy many with the birthday money. see me counting my eggs before they are hatched. Maybe on my birthday, he would just tell me ‘Bright! Things, are hard…so you have to manage this nail cutter as a gift of love or better still find a boyfriend’


my dad can say that. And that reminds me. I have never spent my birthday with a serious boyfriend. Just these sex-driven, poverty-stricken things I have around me. it sucks!
It just occurred to me, that if people that know me read this diary, I would have little or no friends left. I just called all my boyfriends ‘sex-driven, poverty-stricken’, but what’s the difference, I call them to their face! stupid people. I would soon start doing girls. Ewwwwwwwwwwww!!!

i have fever. he said i like the way your voice sounds. it's sexy. even when you aint sick, you still sound like that. everyone says that. sexy voice. he is my neoghbour. let them call off this strike cuz i dont want anything to do with this boy.

i am ranting. i have malaria, malaria. it gives me nightmares, and makes me hear voices. i am feeling cold, my body is hot. i took expired drugs, it was too late to know. i am cold, i have to go.

This is really stupid and unnecessary information but just try to remember dear diary, that this is my diary, private and qualifying for stupid unnecessary information.

Taurus the bull: first guy i kissed was a Taurus. my first boyfriend. i won't say he was the first guy i kissed anyway, maybe the first guy who kissed me. cuz i would just let him kiss me, and won't kiss him back and while he is kissing me,i'd wonder 'why do people kiss, this whole saliva business is disgusting, and when he was true, i would keep wiping my lips for the rest of the day. but then why did i let him kiss me? he liked it, and i liked him, that's why. and i always read about kissing in mills and boon, and wanted to experience the delicious experience. i can't say if he was a good kisser cuz i never participated. the only thing he did was kiss me anyway. when it came to sex, he said 'you are not that kindof girl, you are too innocent for me to spoil you'. I really loved him. i still, though we are out of touch

Leo the lion: second guy i kissed was a leo. kissing him took me down to the world of mills and boon. he didn't have teach me. we just clicked,and we were so good at it, that we would just kiss for over two hours,  serious, not exaggerating. not only kissing sha oh, but no sex finally, and no fingering finally, mostly boobs and kissing. rotten girl!  after kssing him, i would keep smiling to myself the rest of the day. anyways, we kept kissing till one day he whispered these few  lovely words into my ears 'can i make love to you'. i knew it was time to run, i ran as fast as my legs could carry me. sex? i can't just bring myself to do it.

Scorpio the big lips, sorry the scorpion: now i am a scorpio,a passionate person. scorpios are supposed to be passionate people,or maybe this guy's parents didn't tell him his real birthday, cuz jeez, it was like my carrot-stick night mare experience. his lips was all over the place, and so much saliva. thinking about it i feel like doing exactly what Ace Venture did when he found out about Einhorn, brush my lips with a toilet brush. it was that bad

Scorpio the passionate: last guy i kissed. best guy i ever kissed. first guy who kissed me with tongue. first of all i hated the whole tongue things, cuz the only thing in my mind was 'how do you know he isn't one of those people who don't brush their tongue'. but after sometime i forgot about the brushing and just started enjoying the pleasure. kissing is an art.i think sex is over rated (my opinion: i am not an authority in that).

okay so my whole life, i have kissed just four guys, and three zodiac signs and my best friend thinks that's too much. i have friends whose had sex with like over twenty guys and still counting. i am not saying i am competing with them oh, but then a girl can atleast kiss can't she.

i might be kissing carrot-stick by the end of the year, that is if hausa people don't start one of their riots and kill him before he comes back from Nysc for xmas. but carrot stick strikes me like the kindof guy who might think everything should just wait until marriage. yes, he is like that. either he would think that,or he would kiss me, and turn out to be a bad kisser. i am pessimistic, you should be used to it by now. which ever way, if it turns out he doesn't kiss tillmarriage, i'd find a new kissing buddy, from a new zodiac cuz now taurus, leo, scorpio,  all out of question. gemini too is out of question cuz carrot stick is Gemini and i know i'd get to kiss him one day. So God please,keep the other zodiacs coming. as for now, i really want to kiss a virgo! i don't know why? virgo's available for kissing?

one of the first questions i ask every guy i just meet: what's your birthday?

guys, have you ever met a girl who asks you that after asking for your name. then you've met me.

i am going to be doing some serious deleting of old posts today. some memories are too old and useless to keep so goodbye. i watch movies where people are angry at loosing there memories, i wish i could loose mine. so delete, i must

goodnight. i do not sleep at all these days. nepa has learnt to give light only at night. since the hunters have learnt to shoot without missing, me have learnt to fly without perching,  goodnight

i have been ill. really ill. my mom thinks i have changed color. she thinks i am pregnant. if i was having sex she might have actually convinced me with her stupid questions. gosh my mom is annoying and really irritates me at times. but i still love her, that's why she's my mom. how can she even think i am pregnant. she dissappoints me, and pisses me off.

carrot stick asked me to give him money, can you imagine. i would gist you later sha.

okay, this is the real nailing the coffin post. my mom nailed the coffin when she gave me the perfume and apologized for her irritating questions. carrot stick nailed the coffin by asking me for money.

yah you heard me right. he asked me to send him money.

okay now, i want you to get this straight so i'd give you some tips

firstly, i have never asked him for money or recharge card or anything and he has never given me. (okay, though he takes me out on a lot of dates when he is around,  dates i do not even enjoy anyway)

secondly, this is a guy i told few weeks back that i do not love him, and he asked me to give him few weeks to try harder

thirdly, imagine how he asked me for the money

CS: swthrt, there's a favor i need to ask you

me: ask away

C.S: you knowthe government pays us onlyN9000 a month, and where i serve they don'tpay me, and i told you i have been borrowing a lot of money from my room mate, and i have called my dad and he said he doesn't have money, and i have to pay N120 to go to work everyday, how do you expect me to survive.

he actually asked me this: 'how do you expect me to survive'. and also this 'do you want me to die of hunger'

and i told him this 'you can die of hunger if other people who went for youth service died of hunger.

then he said 'can i send my account number'

and i told him 'i don't have money and even if i do, i wont give you'

i am too proud to ask a guy for money. i have had guys who asked me for money and guys whom i have given money.

i give money to guys whom are my friends, whom i know are broke at that moment and are too proud to ask. i find a way if giving them money, thay always really hesitate to take it, and they always pay back, those are the kind of guys i give money. my friends!!!

but for a guy to shamelessly come sooooooooo forward, and ask so shamelessly and rudely, even adding 'how do i expect him to survive'. i can't even say that to my dad 'dad, you have to send the money, how do you expect me to survive' that is rude, and shameless, cuz though i am only 20,i have agemates who make money for themselves. 'how do i expect him to survive' 'do i want him to die' 'but i said i loved him' he said that too 'but you told me you loved me'

carrot stick is sooooo stupid. the whole things stank of 'me and my friends have planned to get money from my rich girlfriend

at the cyber cafe again using a desktop. my laptop fell down on it's one year birthday and is really acting up. and i think i have lots of viruses and no anti virus.

i have gone back to school. so many lectures. mot being able to write here is frustrating. really really. so,ething has to happen soon. i have so much gist and nowhere to tell them. i can't sign in to blogger. these cyber cafes and their old systems and stupid servers. I miss this diary. i'd be back.

btw: my church people are going money crazy. pay for sanctuary, pay for partnership, pay for everything on earth. i have forgotten my atm pin, i left my withdrawal notes at home.the atm has seized my card. i'm just so disorganized right now. guess it would take some time to settle down in school. carrot stick hasnt called since, not that i care. i miss NL diary section, i miss blogsville and most especially i miss the internet. the semester is so short. my feet ache.

all these guys with their new semester lyrics just make me laugh. the bank doesn't have my atm, i wonder where it is now.

hehehe,  i am a blog addict, sounds like drug addict. i came back. i found a semi-decent cafe close to my hostel. i wont leave again. infact i have gist.

carrot stick called last night. mumu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he actually said 'do you have anything to tell me?'

real mumu. let him not go and find someone dying for him.