Help: I'm Married But In Love With Another Woman

Hi there,

I know I am in the minority and will get flamed for my comments, but I do think it's possible to marry someone too young, have kids, realize the marriage was a mistake and years later after a loveless marriage find yourself attracted and/or fall in love with another person.

JD, I'm not saying this is you.  You sound like you have been married only for a short time.  You need to examine what is missing in your marriage that you need to go outside it to find that emotional support.  Because that is what most extramaritial affairs are about believe it or not, not about the sex as much as the emotional support you get from the other person. 

But be fair to everyone involved, don't lead this other girl on and don't do this to your wife.  Examine your life.  Do you really think you will be happier with this other girl? If so, then you need to decide what you want to do with your marriage.  I don't know if you believe in divorce or not, because many people don't.  Do you want to be in a loveless marriage (if you are that is).   Don't lead a double life though, it's not fair to anyone.  Make up your mind what you want to do.  If it's be with the other girl, that take steps to do so.  Leave her alone though until you are certain of what you want.  If your decision is to work on your marriage, then end things nicely with the other girl and work on your marriage with your wife.   I know most people have the conception that the other women are these awful sex fiends that purposely go after other men's marriage.  This is not always the case.  Alot of the time, the married man needs the companionship because it's missing in their lives and alot of the times the married man is the one that ardently pursues the other woman with promises of getting a divorce in the near future. 

Good luck!

 8)To love outside is one of the easiest thing to do but it carries a destructive blow to everyone involved no matter how secret it is kept.One,try to re-affirm continuosly in your mind that you love your family and you want to be agood role model for your son.Two,make it necessary with a firm hand to say NO MORE to your new LOVER(IT IS POSSIBLE_BELEIVE IT IS POSSIBLE).Three,reconcile with your wife.

@JWdayise
didnt you know when you said "I do". I believe that "I do" is only to one person at a time, 

Boy oh Boy, you are in trouble. All you need is decision. Make up your mind and settle down to your wife. Just say no and keep to it and nothing will happen. That girl will not die. try to fall in love with your wife

I Can speak to you as the other woman. It is not a pleasurable p[lace to be the person that a married man is in love with. I have very very happy days and extremely sad days.  I really want the man in my life to make a decision. Either we are together or he is staying with his wife. Our story got more complicated by pregnancy, his wives.  So now I am not even in the race.  He still calls, comes by, and spends time with me. When we are together, not sexually necessarily, it feels amazing but I have to remember that I am not really a part of his life.  If you are going to be with her give her all of you not just a taste of you, that goes for staying or leaving because right now no one has all of you and that is not fair to anyone especially yourself.

Search yourself once more. Are u a true christian ( christ like) ? Sorry to say, bro u werent in love with your wife in the first place. You and your christian sister needs to repent before i send u guys to hell

Hey Guys,

I have to admit that most of these posts are an afront to humanity.  I forgot how fake Christians can be MOST of the time.  But there are a few posts that are worth the read.

From a Christian Therapy perspective I would say that as God is Love we too experience Love in many ways.  And YES we can fall in love with more than one person at a time (male or female).  There is a big difference between love and sex.  This has not been made clear by anyone at this point.  If you read Confessions, Saint Augustine writes about a love for his male friend that is stronger and deeper than most men experience in their marriages and NO he was not gay nor was lust involved.  Claiming LUST when someone feels love towards another woman is a cop out in a major way.  The big problem is that both the Church and Secular society have not taught men or women how to properly experience and live out their emotions or what expectations to have about life and/or marriage.  The church has foolishly over simplified answers that only work if you can keep yourself deluded and  Secular society wants a free for all.

The bottom line is that Love is much more complicated than we can imagine.  This makes sense since "God Is Love" and God is really beyond our understanding (that is why we have oversimplified answers). 

If you want to experience the emotional connection you once had with your wife you will have to go to counselling and work through the stuff that has build distance between you guys in your relationship.  You may truely love this other woman but she is not your wife.  I would say that you can continue to love her but differentiate between sexual impulse and love.  They could both be happening at once.  Hold onto the love because it fuels friendship but work against the sexual tensions.  You only have them because of screwed up Christian and Secular messages about wholeness.  And like I said, go to counselling.  In the meantime start placing coin back into your marriage.  Talk to your wife about how you are feeling with regards to her and the marriage, don't mention the othe woman.  Just talk about your present situation with your wife and brainstorm with her ways that you guys can work together to breath new life into your relationship.

I would let the othe woman know that you care for her a great deal but that your intentions are for friendship.  And then let her know that you are going through a confusing time and may need a bit of distance.  There is no need for over reactions.  Love is a good thing.  It's the clutter and the mixed messages in your "Self Talk" that are causing the problems. 

God loves you just that way you are.  And hey - Loving is not sin so don't even pay attention to those posts that speak about how we should be easy on you cause we all sin.  You have NOT sinned.  Love is the nature of God himself and God knows no sin.

If your going to take any advice then take mine.  Through counselling, accepting yourself, and being real with your feeling you should be able to not just walk out of this but end up haveing grown from the experience.  Not to mention that it would greatly strengthen your marriage as well.

May God Bless You in the midst of your circumstances but may you also bless yourself by taking action.


Therapyman

O.K. so some of you are a little more foolish than others.  "God Knows No Sin" means two things from a theological viewpoint, of which I have a masters degree- also one in Christian Counselling.  First off it means that Sin is not a part of God's make up, Therefore if God is Love and God is not Sin - Love can not be Sin.  Secondly, it means that if you are in Christ Jesus God does not look at you as a sinner - He sees you clothed in the righteousness of Christ.  If you want to use shame and guilt tactics against this guy I guess that makes sense since that is something that misguided Christians are good at but when it comes to biblical truth they do not hold water.

Thanks for your 2 cents worth but maybe you should go back to school and keep your opinions to yourself until you know what you are talking about.

Of course I said to keep on loving the other woman.  Love is of the nature of God.  What I also said was NOT "to cut out sex" - as far as I understand it they have not had sex - what I said was to differentiate (big word there hope you have a dictionary) between Love and Sexual Impulse.  May be a "yea Right" issue for you but for those whom have some integrity, motivation, and perseverance - it really is not that difficult of a task.  More difficult is getting the junk - LIKE YOUR COMMENTS- out of ones head.  Either way I suggested counselling so that a trained professional, which you ARE NOT and I AM, can come along side them and help them journey through this time in their lives.


I hope that JWdayise is wise enough to know the difference between your deluded immature rantings and the truth.

Nikinash - All I can say is that it seems you need Therapy more than the guy who made the post in the first place.  You are one mixed up person.  Someday when you GROW UP you may realize that your legalistic rantings are a poor excuse for not having a real faith.  If you feel that "God is Love" and "You are clothed in the righteousness of Christ" are the work of the Pharisees you really need to give your head a shake and see if there is anything inside.  I feel very sorry for you. 

I also wonder at all the anger which comes out in your posts.  I can see how much the love of God flows through you.   

Therapyman

I,am in the similar situation I have wife and nooo kids deep down I,ve wanted children, I fell for another woman I she got married I tried but she married him already between them they have 4 children you have think look at the disaster it WILL cause my/your wife be hurt and distroy your life and the woman you are in love with ,you need to place it in God,s hands and repent,and ask him to help you with it i sounds like a baptist preacher [which i was raised a baptist ] but the only way ,yes you will think of her often [I do myself] but you must stay away from her with God,s help also get Christian counseling Ido each month and it helps .i hope it will help,you pray often.

undiluted infatuation

if you're a real christian like u said r u nt suppose to keep to your marriage vows? please try n let this other woman go n pray about it too if u can't do it alone talk to your pastors.

does that work these days, hmmmmm. i don't think so

Thank God that your a christian, so i am not going to give a soft answer,

CAST THAT DEMON OUT, IT WILL DESTROY You

I though you christians said you love Jesus christ and that tyou worship him? Why are you commiting adultery? Did Jesus commit Adultery?

Stop calling yourself a christian, as long as I know real christains  don't do what your doing

@Topic
If you are a "christain" like me and you do not "shag" this "christain sister" you will be miserable for a long time!  Just stay in your marriage, shag the babe with condom of course, then repent later!   It is well with your soul jare!  NO LONG TINGY! Warri no dey carry last!