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Kenya (f)
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I am not exactly sure what I believe a strong woman is anymore.
All of my ideas of being a strong black woman has been challenged in ways that has caused me to look at myself and challenge my beliefs.
Some of my ideas were
She stands her grounds.
She keeps her man in line.
She makes demands and ultimatums.
She set's the tone for everything.
She doesn't let her man walk over her.
She doesn't show any weakness in her position.
She can be alone without a man.
She can handle things on her own.
She takes care of herself.
She stops the drama before it starts.
She will fight to her grave.
She will not be insulted or have her intelligence disrespected.
She does not compromise.
She has to be on top of everything.
She's brilliant, organized, ambitious and successful.
She's powerful.
She has great stride.
I have had to truly reflect on myself and my past relationships in a very open and honest way to be able to see that some of these beliefs has been the cause of allot of this-stress in my relationships with men and just friendships with people.
I have had to throw these beliefs out of the window and start over. Most of these beliefs are defense magnetisms that came from negative or bad experiences with people and relationships with men. These beliefs gave me a false security in my womanhood that actually left me feeling very vulnerable later in life when they were being challenged.
I must say that I am glad that my ideas were challenged because it has helped me feel more relieved of the burdens of upholding the images of a strong black woman. Now my ideas are different and more realistic.
Any thoughts on this?
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IAH (f)
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You left this one out...
She is beautiful.
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Ka (m)
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Kenya, First up, good on you for having the courage to re-evaluate your long held beliefs. This is something that many people run away from doing, but I think it's essential to do because it helps you find out what truly makes you happy, and you end up correctly aligning your actions with your desires. OK, now to those beliefs on what a 'strong woman' is: 1. She stands her grounds. This depends on the situation. If she's dealing with someone whose motives she is unsure of, and she has thought through her position carefully, then yes - this could be wise. Otherwise, she just ends up being thought of as being inflexible and having a closed mind. 2. She keeps her man in line. This is an absolutely terrible thing for anyone to want to do. This sounds like someone who needs to control everything around her, and who doesn't understand that a person's happiness is proportional to the amount of freedom they have. I would run a mile from this kind of person. 3. She makes demands and ultimatums. There are occasions when it's right to make ultimatums, but these should only be used as an extreme measure. If this person routinely makes demands and ultimatums, then it looks like (a) they are used to getting their way; (b) they don't understand the concept of compromise. No relationship can survive if one person is always having their way. 4. She set's the tone for everything. This isn't really necessary - sounds like control-freakery to me. 5. She doesn't let her man walk over her. I agree. 6. l She doesn't show any weakness in her position. See my answer to 1. above. 7. She can be alone without a man. Again, I agree. I believe that it's very important for everyone to aspire to as much material and emotional independence as possible. Having said that, I don't think it's possible to be completely independent, though. 8. She can handle things on her own. As above. 9. She takes care of herself. As above. 10. She stops the drama before it starts. I agree - prevention is better than a cure, although how she stops the drama is another matter altogether. 11. She will fight to her grave. See my answers to 1. and 3. 12. She will not be insulted or have her intelligence disrespected. Agree. 13. She does not compromise. See my answer to 3. 14. She has to be on top of everything. See my answer to 4. 15. She's brilliant, organized, ambitious and successful. These are good things to aspire to... however, for me it depends how narrow your definition of success is, and how do-or-die you become about the whole thing. For example, if you define 'success' as becoming the CEO of a Fortune 500 company and in your quest to achieve this ambition you neglect personal relationships, what happens when you finally get to the top? 16. She's powerful... She has great stride. See my answer to 4. |
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Kenya (f)
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You are well received and I thank you for your responses.
I later realized that most of these things were the same, just in different forms of control and mis information. I just really believe that many of our family systems are destroyed, especially here in America.
My belief is that it starts with the woman. The woman is the first teacher that a child knows, she's the nurse and almost everything that a child knows and strongly depends on to grow health within.
I am seeking to correct myself as much as possible before i produce children, the rest i will have to grow into as i grow into my womanhood more.
Outside of your response to me, I'm interested to know what your idea of a strong woman is?
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Seun (m)
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Strength is not everything that matters, you know. What about kindness, sweetness, understanding, love, intelligence, and maybe ambition? I have met a handful of women that are indeed strong, but use this strength in the wrong way, and I find that I don't like them at all!
The kind of strength I think I'll appreciate in a woman is the ability to maintain a clear mind when she's in a bad situation, and work her way out of such a situation.
I don't think I care whether such a strong (and sweet) woman is white, black, or purple. It's hard enough finding a perfect match that I think it would be silly to rule out any race or ethnic group.
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kikelomo (f)
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Seun, please tell me how you can be strong and sweet at the same time. I think there is a bit of a contradiction here. Personally, i try to strike the appropriate balance in this aspect. HELP!!!!
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Seun (m)
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When you're dealing with a manipulative or abusive person, or a though circumstance in life, be strong!
When you're dealing with people who appreciate and respect you, people who love and care for you, people who want the best for you, be sweet! When people like you, like them back! Don't disqualify people who treat you well just because you think they are "below your standards".
When you have people that love you around, it is more important to be sweet. When you live among sharks, it is more important to be strong. If you find yourself in relationships with manipulative or abusive men, terminate those and construct relationships with people who will encourage you to show more of your sweet side!
Or what do you think?
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kikelomo (f)
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i think you hit the nail right on the head, yeah i do agree with you but what happens when you are dealing with a person who half of the time is sweet, but the other half, he is a manipulative shark?
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kikelomo (f)
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Em seun....................silence? Answer me now  |
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Seun (m)
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If you're not married yet:
1) First of all, try to address the reason why he feels the need to be manipulative, and in a non-threatening way let him know exactly how you feel about it. Just express the emotions and try not to put him on the defensive.
2) If that doesn't work, I guess you'll have to drop him, and let him know why so maybe he'll change before going into the next relationship.
It's a pity that woman have a shorter time window within which they must choose a partner, but that's more of a reason for you to quickly drop out of relationships that aren't going to lead to a hapy marriage, right? So that Mr. Wrong doesn't prevent you from meeting Mr. Right?
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kikelomo (f)
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Thanks seun, i really needed an unbiased opinion.
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Ka (m)
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Outside of your response to me, I'm interested to know what your idea of a strong woman is? Kenya, Sorry for my extremely late response - I was rifling around in the threads, and I saw I had completely neglected to answer this. Well, a strong woman is one who has what I'll call an 'internal locus of control'. This means that she is the primary determinant of what happens to her in her life, rather than letting external factors - such as other people or circumstances she finds herself in - control her actions. So it means that she is able to maintain whatever direction she has charted for herself in life no matter what is happening to her, because she isn't reactive, she's proactive. This is why I don't consider overly aggressive women as strong. It's almost as though they feel they need to overcompensate for some hidden insecurity. So they overreact to situations where they feel that they are challenged with unpleasant displays of emotion which simply tell the challenger that the aggressive woman isn't strong enough to keep her head. On the other hand, a strong woman will keep her emotions in check and deal with the issue raised rather than attacking the challenger, because she doesn't let other people determine how she acts. But for me, a strong woman is also someone who, while charting her course, recgonises that other people should have the freedom to chart theirs, and so she never rides roughshod over the feelings and wishes of others. If she wants something done, she will state her intentions clearly while doing so in a manner that shows she respects the feelings of others. Strangely enough, the definition of a strong woman would also (in my eyes) do for a strong man.  |
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conscience (m)
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Someone sent this to me and I felt like sharing it as a tribute to my ''black women'' all over the world and to other non-black women .
THE STRONG BLACK WOMAN
While struggling with the reality of being a human instead of a myth,
the strong black woman passed away.
Medical sources say she died of natural causes,
but those who knew her know she died from being silent when she should have been screaming, smiling when she should have been raging,
from being sick and not wanting anyone to know because her pain might inconvenience them.
She died from an overdose of other people clinging to her when she didn't even have energy for herself
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conscience (m)
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She died from loving men who didn't love themselves
and could only offer her a crippled reflection.
She died from raising children alone.
She died from the lies her grandmother told her mother
and her mother told her about life, men & racism.
She died from being sexually abused as a child
and having to take that truth everywhere she went every day of her life,
exchanging the humiliation for guilt and back again.
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Greatpeter (m)
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Huh! she has sacrificed herself then and became a hero!
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conscience (m)
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She died from asphyxiation,
from secrets she kept trying to burn away instead of allowing herself the kind of nervous breakdown she was entitled to,
but only white girls could afford.
She died from being responsible,
because she was the last rung on the ladder and there was no one under her she could dump on.
The strong black woman is dead
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conscience (m)
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She died from being dragged down and sat upon by un-evolved women posing as sisters and friends.
She died from tolerating Mr. Pitiful, just to have a man around the house.
She died from sacrificing herself for everybody and everything when what she really wanted to do was be a singer, a dancer, or some magnificent other.
She died from lies of omission because she didn't want to bring the black man down.
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conscience (m)
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She died from myths that would not allow her to show weakness without being chastised by the lazy and hazy.
She died from hiding her real feelings until they became hard and bitter enough to invade her womb and breasts like angry tumors.
She died from never being enough of what men wanted, or being too much for the men she wanted.
She died from being too black and died again for not being black enough.
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conscience (m)
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She died from being misinformed about her mind, her body & the extent of her royal capabilities.
She died from knees pressed too close together because respect was never part of the foreplay that was being shoved at her.
And sometimes when she refused to die, when she just refused to give in she was killed by the lethal images of blonde hair, blue eyes and flat butts, being rejected by the OJ.'s, the Quincy's, the Cuba's & the Kobe's.
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chrisd (m)
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If she finds a strong man, they would'nt survive.
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Kenya (f)
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Yeah I once had that same story sent to me. Beautiful story and very true and real.
It's amazing how we still survive out here. It's really challenging to find a brother who is at least committed to the process of building a relationship, not to mention being married and it's even harder for me because I practice Islam so I would have to have a Muslim man. I'm sure when the time comes, it will happen.
This is preparation grounds so thanks for all of the input, it's very helpful. I come back to read it allot, I take the things that I can apply to my life and it really helps me stay focused, really it does.
Again thanks everyone.
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victoria1 (f)
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those ten things you wrote are not a myth they are the truth about the strong black women & IAH is tight you forgot to include our beauty
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Thagodfada (m)
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it is not a myth. My mom is a living proof.
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Kenya (f)
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beauty in the sense of the physical? I didn't really associate that with being strong. there are many women who may be physically un attractive that may be very strong so I didn't see beauty as a strength in the context that i was thinking and writing in.
it doesn't mean that i don't think that women are not beautiful
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Aniomaman (m)
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A strong black woman need not be the most beautiful black woman out there, but she knows what her home needs and how to keep it as ONE
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sammyjl (f)
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 Most of your remarks are all about men.
A strong black woman is someone who is successful in her doings, home, work and or relationship with anyone, and also on top of all this, is independent.
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drkchoclit (f)
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I just found this, the poem brought tears  , I could relate to a lot of that. But the last verse brings me something else. Let's talk about the myth of the white woman. Why do Nigerian men have the impression that white women are angels on earth? I like white women as people and friends, but they have their issues too. My best friend right now is a white lady. But she's rebellious, mouthy, all the qualities Nigerian men hate and sterotype with "strong black women". Why do you men believe the myth (and it is a myth) that white, Asian, Latin, ANY WOMAN BUT BLACK are God's gift to man? As a woman who has befriended many other women, you know we all are the same at the end of the day. |
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Blackcat (f)
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Why do Nigerian men have the impression that white women are angels on earth? Why do you men believe the myth (and it is a myth) that white, Asian, Latin, ANY WOMAN BUT BLACK are God's gift to man? As a woman who has befriended many other women, you know we all are the same at the end of the day. no body ever appreciates what they have, |
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RichyBlacK (m)
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@Kenya,
I'm glad you realized the folly in the misguided phrase "strong black woman" or it's close cousin "strong independent black woman".
I see them "strong black women" as women who bring swords and machetes to a buffet requiring forks and knives. Their guards are always up even when it's unnecessary. Every move a brother makes is interpreted from a pride-control-power perspective. Perpetually angry, easily irritated, and constantly ruminating experiences with men of yesteryears. Confused by incoherent messages, they hate what they most desire, and push away what they most want. Trigger-happy, they're unable to comprehend peace; hiding their fears with a facade of strength. They indulge in mind games that outplay them. Control and manipulation is their forte. They chant "equality" but work against balance. Anger, selfishness and insecurity rule their days.
As long as "sweet Asian/Black/White/Latino women" still exist, no man wants to be with a "strong black woman".
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mazaje (m)
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@Kenya,
I'm glad you realized the folly in the misguided phrase "strong black woman" or it's close cousin "strong independent black woman".
I see them "strong black women" as women who bring swords and machetes to a buffet requiring forks and knives. Their guards are always up even when it's unnecessary. Every move a brother makes is interpreted from a pride-control-power perspective. Perpetually angry, easily irritated, and constantly ruminating experiences with men of yesteryears. Confused by incoherent messages, they hate what they most desire, and push away what they most want. Trigger-happy, they're unable to comprehend peace; hiding their fears with a facade of strength. They indulge in mind games that outplay them. Control and manipulation is their forte. They chant "equality" but work against balance. Anger, selfishness and insecurity rule their days.
As long as "sweet Asian/Black/White/Latino women" still exist, no man wants to be with a "strong black woman".
This about sums it up. i really like the way you put it all up in a very clear and elaborate manner with out resulting to insults. |
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RichyBlacK (m)
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This about sums it up. i really like the way you put it all up in a very clear and elaborate manner with out resulting to insults.
Thanx! Just telling the sisters how brothers feel. |
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