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alheri (f)
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My husband says I've changed from the person I was when we first got married. It's not like I love him any less - infact I love him more now.
It's just that well, we're married and so life goes on. There are so many things to do and think about. Sometimes lovey dovey can get so technical. The kids, the job, church, I get tired.
Please how do I balance?
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Seun (m)
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When your husband says you're not the person he married, it simply means that you have 6 months to 2 years (depending on the character of your husband) before he starts seeing another woman whose character is more like what he used to admire in you when he married you. It will start as emotional infidelity and end up as sexual infidelity.
Left to me, you should take a sabbatical from your church activities, and devote the extra time your husband. Use that time to do all those things you used to do. God will understand because he is not a destroyer of homes. Do you know that, even from the bible, your responsibility to your husband is a higher priority than your responsibility in church?
Please do not let your job and your church rob you of your home and your happiness. If your husband leaves you, your pastor will not marry you. I have said my own o, because there is fire on the mountain! Married Nairalanders, am I lying?
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fabian (f)
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You Lie SEUN! He doesn't mean ...........that you have 6 months to 2 years (depending on the character of your husband) before he starts seeing another woman whose character is more like what he used to admire in you when he married you. It will start as emotional infidelity and end up as sexual infidelity.
Are you kidding me Seun? alheri, your husband may very well be the one who has changed, so don't let him blackmail you emotionally! some guys use that line as an escuse when they want to blackmail their wives emotionally. See here, you have to be truthful to your self. Have you changed? Think about the things you used to do and how you do them now. Mind you, the only one thing constant in life is Change itself. That very sin you have been told you are guilty of. Even dead things do change! Question is, have you changed for the better or for worse? As your marriage evolves, you will definitely change. Your situation will make you different from the person you were when you first got married. That is a given. When you become pregnant, you have less time for your husband and more time for yourself. You begin to watch what you eat, what you do, and all what not. Your hormones have a part to play in all this. When you get a job. you pay a little less attention to your home and turn some of your energies to your job, until you create a balance between the two. When the children come, you definitely will have a paradigm shift, a lot of your attention will shift to the children. My dear, you are a woman and that's how life is, all these things are normal.You have to sit with your husband and let him know that change is very normal. He has to adapt as you change, mind you, he too will change. As long as your change is progressive and in line with the normal changes in your situation, he has to learn to be more accepting.
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alheri (f)
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WOW, seun that was pretty harsh. No offence taken though. i had actually decided to take it easy on da church thing sha, My pastor already has a wife!hahahaha.
And thanks fabian,I think i should actually do the reality check on myself,u know, see if am changing for good or for bad. Truthfully,my husband hasnt really changed,He is still his romantic self but He gets so critical of me sumtimes.
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Seun (m)
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alheri, thanks for not taking offence at my reply. I knew it was not balanced, but that was the only way I could express what I felt at the time! Thanks fabian, for sharing the other side of the coin. I hope that other experienced people will be motivated to share.
Yes, you really do need to slow down on the church aspect since it's the more flexible option. About your husband being critical, well that sort of thing can only be changed by him. It may simply be out of frustration since he desires more of your time. Maybe it will stop when he gets to interact with you more often when you're not tired. Wishing you the very best!
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fabian (f)
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Now that's the Seun I know!  |
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alheri (f)
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Thanks guys. You guys are just great. Fabian are you sure we shouldnt open a thread for you to be giving out marital councelling? And one more thing,guys,please i nid to attend my women meeting for the last time today,i just want to tell them that i'll be indisposed for awhile. am not trying to be strong headed,please.
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fabian (f)
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I wish! Gee, thanks for the compliment, but I'm still new in wedlock, my marriage will be three in January 2006!
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adesodgi (m)
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fab happy married life!!!!hurray  |
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vexxy (f)
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Fabian, you took the words right out of my mouth, wonderfully put, sis! alheri, I stand in agreement with Fabian on this one! Everyone changes all of the time. We change to adjust to our environment and circumstances. Just as The Fabulous Fabian said, the concern is whether the change is for the better or for worse. Seun, the first was harsh! The second, more like you |
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fabian (f)
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Thanks Adesodgi and vexxy, wassup V? |
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vexxy (f)
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Working hard.....rather hardly working! Tomorrow is a holiday so I'll be relaxing at home. Because of that I can't stay focused today! I really do love what you said earlier in the post. Wise counsel, sis!  |
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fabian (f)
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Good for you! Thats nice! i will be at work as usual tomorrow. Thanks for your compliments, this is rather your turf (giving good advice)!
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vexxy (f)
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Hum, not so sure about that! But I'll be able to YIM you at work tomorrow! Yay!
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fabian (f)
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Coolie! That'd be nice!  |
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bell (m)
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Alheri,please do the needful, the way you sounded, its as if you know it yourself that things are not the same. I agree with Seun that there is fire on the Mountain O !
I think you should evaluate and talk to your husband. If there are ways in which he has changed also, tell him, try and know what things he misses in you, now that you are married, and make out time and effort to rekindle. It is important.
Marriage is a lifelong thing, there is the need for constant renewal so it does not get stale.
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Oracle (m)
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Girl we don't have to start speaking long grammar
if u know u'v changed for bad u better make it good
if and only if u love your marriage.
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alheri (f)
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the oracle,na wa for you sha! anyway, i have deciced to work on it. atleast yesterday i wrestled him on the sofa( u know what i mean!!)he was shocked but very delited though. it all ended VERY well-since da baby was fast asleep! please i need more advise on how to get this groove back some more.
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alheri (f)
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so u guys don't want to advise me abi?seun,fabian. na so?
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fabian (f)
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But I don give advice now? Abi?
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fabian (f)
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.........atleast yesterday i wrestled him on the sofa( u know what i mean!!)he was shocked but very delited though. it all ended VERY well-since da baby was fast asleep! please i need more advise on how to get this groove back some more.
I didn't see that part! yes, that's the way....................You don't need any more coaching, you be our coach! |
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Seun (m)
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We are happy that you're doing these things. We are happy to share in your joy. "Wrestling", heh? Ok, hmmm, you could suggest an recreational/social outing to a place he'll enjoy as a man, or you could volunteer to accompany him to such an outing. I'll think of some more today and get back to you tommorrow. |
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star (f)
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nice. i think both the guy and the lady do change a little bit after marriage.
fabian,
happy to hear about yur marriage. three years of marriage-- men its not easy. mine is only a year and am already getting tired.
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alheri (f)
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@star,may u not get tired in Jesus' name,AMEN! ABEG OH my sister. we shall not get tired. not wit all those moni's around.
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star (f)
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Amen Alheri,
About the advise you need? I think you should just be yourself. If you force it or try to impress, it won't flow.. it would show and he will know its not real. Pretend you are still dating-- only God will help. Amen
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alheri (f)
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that is tru. only God can help and may he help us!
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fabian (f)
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@ star, its well, just take it one day @ a time, maybe alheri can give you wrestlinghelpful tips??  |
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alheri (f)
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@fab. my sister na u know oh! i thot u were the expert? may God help us all!
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fabian (f)
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No way! I'm still a student!
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alheri (f)
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wats up guys, sorry u havnt heard from me. i had to take care of business on da home front this weekend. my weekend was greeeeeeeeat! i mean,absolutely wild. first of all friday night we went to the kareoki bar(hope i spelt that right) sang some love songs to each other,ended up getting drunk,went home and CRASHED! can u imagine?we were both too drunk to wrestle!!! saturday was cool too. our babygal is going to be 1 on da 18th so we thot it would be nice to have a party,so we stormed the market to get some stuff for the party. though it was very hot,sunny,sticky and tiring, it was fun shopping together. we later ate out,went home,had a bath together,watched some t.v. ,snuggled and made out on the sofa again had some tea and went to bed. my husband woke me up in the middle of the night to wrestle, i was so tired, but since i had promised u guys that no slacking i ............... MEEEN,guys y do u always do that midnite thing? haba,don't you know that a girl needs her beauty sleep!
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fabian (f)
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Hmmmmmmmm *I'm jobless*
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