24 Things We've Learnt From Nollywood

1. Every problem you have is spiritual.

2. In every romance movie, someone must die.

3. It is possible to hit a person without actually touching them!

4. Anyone who gets hit by a car dies immediately.

5. Poisoned food always tastes better.

6. The best way to make money is by visiting a 'Babalawo' / joining a cult / sleeping with rich men.

7. One of a pair of twins (identical or not) is born evil.

8. There is never an end to your suffering, except death!

9. With a pastor ,  all things are possible.

10. A movie can be titled anything,  such as:

*The boy is mine,

* Face me, I face you

*Two rats,

*Spanner,

*Calculator,

*Igala,

*Ijele,

*Igodo,

*Igudu

*Shigidi

11. A movie has not been made if at least one actor/actress has not-'shelled', twisted his/her lips to speak wrong phonetics'.

12. You are in love,  you want to take your girl out, the best place you take her to is,

*Mr. Biggs/Tantalizers: where you'll most probably see an ex while feeding each other.

*The beach: where it is imperative that you ride a donkey and carry her playfully.

*Or the best: take her to buy some new ugly clothes.

13. An Igbo movie has been made if ,

* You visit a 'Babalawo'

* A fleet of cars is shown off at regular intervals for a total of half of the movie time.

* Kanayo 'O' Kanayo is in the movie. Pete Udochie is also there too!

* To get rich it is mandatory you join a cult

14. Gun shots and knock-outs sound the same!

15. Sometimes the title has absolutely nothing to do with the movie and other times, once you read the title and see the poster you know it all!!!

(Also the soundtrack gives you a headache because it just narrates the whole story repeatedly - so much for suspense and intrigue!)

16. A love story has not been produced if it does not have one or two of the following actresses-

* Stella Damascus

* Stephanie Okereke

* Genevieve Nnaji

* Omotola Jalade

* Rita Dominic

17. The police are extremely 'efficient' unlike their counterparts in real life.

18. An actress can wear the same hairdo for more than a year and even in longer flashbacks.

19. It is permissible to wear very dark shades at night!

20. When you are shot in the chest, it really doesn't matter; your head will be bandaged! Same for your legs!

21. When advertising a movie, you really should shout because,  people are deaf?

22. When you are extremely poor, you will still be able to afford- very good furniture, T.V., but you won't be able to send your kids to school.

23. Most especially in Yoruba movies, your gateman must be inefficient and comical. He MUST dress like a freak, be rude to all your visitors and never mind his business.

24. My personal favourite- the bad guy always dies or gets caught by none other than the police- LOL!!!!!

very true indeed

"The 25th thing and some, we learnt from Nollywood"

25. Any photographer/video-recorder hustling by the roadside or Onitsha can be the next Director of Photography of any of these Nollywood movies

26. We've learnt in essence that Nollywood movies are nothing but a pile of trash and vomit, spewed forth at a prolific rate and daily basis.

27. A comedy is never complete without those irritating, talentess dwarves by the pseudonym of "aki na ukwa"

28. That for every stupid movie those short mofos act, one fat actor with a pot belly the size of a cauldron, must always play as their father.

29. We've learnt from Nollywood, that any Nigerian with his sanity and sense of beauty in art intact, would know that watching a Nollywood movie for 2 hours is inhuman torture at its best, and a near-death experience.

30. We've also learnt that 6 hours of Teletubbies is much better and gratifying than 30 minutes of Nollywood movies.

I've been watching nollywood movies the past week for the first time in years and i must say i'm really amazed at how far they've come!

Please go watch "games men play" Gbade.x, i spent over 3 hrs laughing my head off. I nearly cried at some point and i'm supposed to be a guy!

Believe me, 60 hrs of Teletubbies is better than 2 hours of nollywood movies.

I once spent an agonising 2 hrs watching "Mr Ibru in london" just to please my aunt. 30 minutes into the movie, i started gasping for breath. Another 30 minutes, and i ran out under pretext that i wanted receive a phone call!

Aight, would try them out.