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lara2
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Our 4 yr old son has just been diagnosed with ADHD (Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). I have suspected it myself for a few years that he may have had it but ever since he started school it has become more obvious, i.e not paying attention in class, no interest in learning etc. Ever since we found out, my husband is finding it difficult to accept. He is always calling our son stupid and beating him. I am really upset by this. He is also very grumpy with me ever since and is blaming me for it. He says that he is ashamed of me and my son and that there is no stupid people in his family. He also says that in his country (Nigeria) that is a disgrace to have a child with a dissability.
He's also threatening to have a child with another woman since I didn't give him a bright child.
He is a very bright and clever child but in alot of other ways.
Is it such a bad thing in Nigerian culture to have an issue such as this?
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vanitty
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Your husband is just being a jerk. He is not handling it well, he probably doesn't mean half of what he says, try marriage counselling for a while and if that doesn't work a trial separation will be good betwen you and your hubby.
If all fails, you have to do what is best for your kid and protect him from illiterates.
You can contact disability services where you live and advice from family and friends should keep you going.
Dealing with a ADHD child is hard enough with a supportive husband not to talk of one that is being harsh
T.care
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chaircover (f)
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This is the exact thing that is happening to a family friend of ours.
In situations like this, “the blame culture” does sometimes rear its ugly head. And this is your husband’s way of dealing with this. I will say please don’t take it personal. Men are not always very good at communicating their fears, troubles etc so they take it out on their closest and dearest.
Some men see their sons as an extension of themselves and their prowess & manliness so they see a disabled child as a blow to their ego.
Right now your son needs you more than ever before; please be there for him and reassure him. Let him know that you and daddy both love him very much.
If you can, please arrange some counselling for both you and your husband and if possible join support groups where you will meet other families struggling through this problem.
Please be positive and strong; your husband (believe it or not) and your son both need you.
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WackyJ1 (m)
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1) Watch Desperate housewives season 1 the very first time i heard of such a disorder.
2) i Think the disorder is not permanent, that it usually fades with time and there is a medication for it.
3) As for your husband i'm ashamed, so he still brings his culture into this when he should be very supportive and handle the situation like the man he claims to be instead of passing the buck
4) After your husband is through with beating your son and shouting at you. Meet your son and reassure him, not in a sad hopefull way but in strong and proud way as if you bet a million bucks that he was smart, you can decide to do a little home school for him to supplement his school work or get a hometeacher for him as long as the teacher understands his problem and does not make fun of him or gets frustrated easily.
I believe you wil get through this. GOOD LUCK
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Eaglebabe
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Do u call that a dissability?Anyway l don't know what to say to your husband.If the other woman has a child with the same challenge,what will he do?Will he now marry all the women in this world.
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okeey (m)
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well dont worry if he refuse to accept your son,put him in God hand coz u are not God who created him to dis world.
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lara2
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Well its more of a disorder than a dissability, but my husband reacts as if it is a dissability.
BTW thank you all for your comments.
Hopefully he will grow out of it as he gets older.
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sexyLeamon (f)
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Our 4 yr old son has just been diagnosed with ADHD (Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). I have suspected it myself for a few years that he may have had it but ever since he started school it has become more obvious, i.e not paying attention in class, no interest in learning etc. Ever since we found out, my husband is finding it difficult to accept. He is always calling our son stupid and beating him. I am really upset by this. He is also very grumpy with me ever since and is blaming me for it. He says that he is ashamed of me and my son and that there is no stupid people in his family. He also says that in his country (Nigeria) that is a disgrace to have a child with a dissability.
He's also threatening to have a child with another woman since I didn't give him a bright child.
He is a very bright and clever child but in alot of other ways.
Is it such a bad thing in Nigerian culture to have an issue such as this?
now I know why my mother always say "my daughter may God give you good husband" now I know why now back to the topic, Pull out your thickest frying pan and tell him the next time he degrades your son again hes gonna know what it taste like! No no hitting I was getting carried away! Sorry! but how can a man be so cruel to his own child?? His flesh and blood, believe me, kids are smart, He may never say those exact words to this child, but I am sure the child can feel his negative attitude, kids like this usually grow up to be successful trust me, am speaking from experience. your Hubby will be sorry one day, when he is old sick and forgotten, by the people that are suppose to love him, Your hubby is a jerk, Love your child and be supportive to him, too, Good Luck, |
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cassytoons
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He says that he is ashamed of me and my son and that there is no stupid people in his family.
He's also threatening to have a child with another woman since I didn't give him a bright child.
Just to ask wetin d man dey do sef (I mean his occupation). Cos like begets like , sorry for that |
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PAININASS
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Your age will determine and if you are cute,You better find another man, Your husband is not the best for you and such a man could poison you if you don't allow him to do his wishes,at this point,the kid is not the problem, he just want another woman,
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madam L
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My dear, it is a temporary thing and if you handle it well it will soon blow over. Kids like yours often have great artistic talents but bloom late in terms of formal academic work. Whe they start blooming they move very fast and cover lost ground. Try and protect him from the father and give good reports of him so the beatings will reduce.
Try getting another kid who will partially get your husband off your back and get your kid to watch and compete with another kid. Believe me, I might be writing from experience.
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funken
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My dear, read Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison and in more contemporary time Ben Carson's stories. They all had one form of learning disorders at one time or the other. Ben Carson especially said in his books that it was his mother that believed in him and today he is a successful neurosurgeon. The first in the world that successfully separated co-joined twins at the head, and that from a man that had learning disabilities when he was young, See Thomas Edison, he has more patents to inventions than any other inventor in the world as at today. Please read his story here on Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Edison#Early_lifeHe specifically said 'My mother was the making of me'. People thought he was a dull and stupid child, but his mum believed in him. To your hubby, he is just being the dull one here, but he will definitely come around. Please don't by any means stop supporting your boy, He is another Einstein, Edison or Carson in the making!!!!!   |
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rubi (f)
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Tell your hubby that you don't like the way he beats and disrespects his son he might not know that gradually he is killing that boys self esteem. You as a mother try and continue to re-assure the boy that he is born to be great.
Engage him with other kids so that he can interact with them that will help too. If you are a xtain lay your hands on the boy and prophesy good things on him. The bible says no good thing will he withhold for them that walk
uprightly. All hope is not lost have faith in God. It is well
When a child is not doing well your son. When a child is doing well our son. some men are boys
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Pittbaby (f)
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Your husband is angry and lashing out , be patient and explain to him first that ADHD is not a disability. See a specialist , I have an extrememly intelligent colleague with ADHD , he can be very annoying but he is a very bright chap
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marissa
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Darling,
Its your husband who has a disability and needs examination. ADHD has been known to reduce with specific actions:
1) keep your son away from TV and video games, the flashing lights aggravate his system;
2) take him off sugar - it aggravates him as well; 3
) dont yell at him - keep him close to you and ask him lots of questions. dont get mad when he doesn't make sense, ask more basic questions. Also when he gives stupid or silly answers ask him why, try to understand where he's coming from, it'll help him undrstand you;
3) be very very patient with him, and dont expose him to cantankerous noise and people.
4) pray with him often, even when he cant be still;
5) Smile at him a lot;
6) Give him lots of loving attention - keep him near you, dont ignore him A lot of his misbehaviour is aggravated by a subconscious idea that you dont want him in addition to an overdose of sugars and processed chemicals in his diet;
7) Get him to drink more water - it'll flush his system, and keep him off all fizzy and carbonated drinks, particularyly, no cafeeine at all!!
7) Instead of trying to stop his actions when he's misbehaving, e.g banging away at something, try to substitute the object or activity - bottomline, let him know you are with him, he'll cooperate more often. Dont yell NO or STOP IT, you'll only worsen it.
8. Do extensive reading on any medications recommended for him, his condition is quickly worsened by ingesting chemicals.
9) Join a support group of mothers whose kids have similar conditions, its a BIG relief. They'll also give you tips on coping.
Doing the above can be very hard and frustrating especially when you're a working woman who is also keeping a home. Just incorporate him into your hectic home time activities. If you're loading the washer, let him be nearby doing his thing and be talking to him, believe me he'll get better and even normalise. I've seen it happen, and it wasn't solved by Doctors.
Most of all, dont forget to pray, for your son, husband and happy home. This may be your one marital trial but the good Lord who gives out our portions also gave us the strength within. You probably dont realise it but you have two abnormalities on your hands, son AND husband, and believe me, its your son who probably has a special gift you need to nurture in a special way, who knows whats hiding under all of that. Goodluck, and may God give you strength.
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floriana (m)
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ADHD is not a disability but a disorder which can be corrected in the long run. You husband should understand that and give his son all the support needed. However, if he fails to do that, I know a doctor who can make him suffer temporary ADHD so that he knows how it is with your son. I hope it wont come to that.
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jkemzy (m)
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The truth is that some men do not really know how to handle difficult situations like this. For for your husband, instead of getting cross with him for his actions/inactions,show him empathy,he will definetly change. For your son all he needs is love from both of you. Above all be PRAYERFUL.God is able to do exceedingly above all that we can ever think or imagine.IT IS WELL
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shesi (m)
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ADHD is no diasability. it's a farce.
Think of it this way, if your son is not paying attention in cooking class, does it necessarily mean he has a problem? i think not. It only means he's not interested in cooking. What is the disability in that?
at best ADHD is a temporary loss of interest in something. What your husband should be focused on is making sure your son doesn't fall too far behind in his academic development during this temporary disinterest in academics.
maybe he's not paying attention because he already knows what the teacher is teaching? what do they teach 4 yr olds anyway? seriously, take him to a class on how to become a power ranger or his favorite super hero and see if he has attention problems.
don't let the western, pharmaceutical-company-powered mantra of every-small-thing-is-big-problem stress you out.
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omar22 (m)
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I guess the squeeze you need to grow in knowledge and wisdom, in reality things happen to us but we sit down waiting for the solution to come to us, no no no! my dear friend Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us, you have to be there for your son in everyway like someone said earlier on, it’s a temporary illness. Your husband is fool, but a bigger fool to look for someone to blame for God’s gift to both of you, or is it because God’s gift didn’t come in the package he wanted. Look, do not let your husband’s action shape your child’s future, just protect him/her and show your love to your child in every way.
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Ujujoan (f)
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ADHD is no diasability. it's a farce.
Think of it this way, if your son is not paying attention in cooking class, does it necessarily mean he has a problem? i think not. It only means he's not interested in cooking. What is the disability in that?
at best ADHD is a temporary loss of interest in something. What your husband should be focused on is making sure your son doesn't fall too far behind in his academic development during this temporary disinterest in academics.
maybe he's not paying attention because he already knows what the teacher is teaching? what do they teach 4 yr olds anyway? seriously, take him to a class on how to become a power ranger or his favorite super hero and see if he has attention problems.
don't let the western, pharmaceutical-company-powered mantra of every-small-thing-is-big-problem stress you out.
ADD's a disability. What you should say is that maybe the Son was not properly diagnosed. . . He could just be really slow! But Some peopel find it impossible to maintain interst in anything. I dont know what else that is if not a disability!! |
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Basildon1
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You need to have a deep talk with him about him changing his attitude. If this fails, then let him know that while he is free to think whatever he wants, beating your son for no sensible reason will not be TOLERATED!
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sweetpie23
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your husband is an ass-hole am sorry
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Fhemmmy
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I am so sorry to hear this.
Stuff like this is easier for a woman to handle than for a man, cos the woman has bonded with that child for 9 months in the womb, you have been a great mother.
But i think you just need to sat your husband down and talk to him, make him to realize that you never asked for it, but it has happened, and it is time for him to accept it and be grateful, it is only a man that is a live that cld be a father to such kids.
Good luck
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lara2
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Thank you all for your comments.
I know my child is not stupid. He is very advanced in many ways than alot of children his age.
He just dosen't seem to pay attention to a few things and can be a handful to deal with.
For example he knows all numbers and shapes and is very interested but when it comes to colours and letters he just refuses to show an interest.
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Fhemmmy
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Thank you all for your comments.
I know my child is not stupid. He is very advanced in many ways than alot of children his age.
He just dosen't seem to pay attention to a few things and can be a handful to deal with.
For example he knows all numbers and shapes and is very interested but when it comes to colours and letters he just refuses to show an interest.
These are some of the things you need to tell your husband. |
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oge4real (f)
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Oops, what kind of man is he? Anyway, just pray for God to heal your boys ( your hubby and son).
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waooo
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I feel u my sister, God is in control.
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diehard1
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i wonder why your husband would be harsh on a 4 yr old kid. i think he is the person that needs a doctor. Most nigerians that have disabled kids take care of them as much as they could, so your husband should not use that as an excuse. It is not in our culture. Maybe he wants to use that as an excuse to marry another person. wonder what will happen if he marries another woman and that one gives birth to a child with one genetic defect or the other. Forget what he is doing and take care of your son. Don't let it bother you a bit.
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cheries
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God is really in control, my dear sister.
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