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talk2ahmed (m)
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, I had to post the first dozen, cos i got a heartwarming from a Nlander wu wants his identity anonymous for clear reasons , Now critique the following
1. Ladies’ HIDEOUT
In school then we were in SS2. We usually go into the toilet at closing hour,
lock–up and apply our facials (mascara, lip-gloss, powder and stuffs). There was
this day my friend Teju wanted to deal with the ladies. They numbered 6 in the
toilet doing their thing when Teju locked them up with a padlock and jeez! On
empty stomachs they savoured the urine laden stench for hours. They were all
mute for some time thinking the stern-small-bodied vice Principal who patrols
the whole blocks would have done that. Patiently waiting and believing that he
will soon be gone. But no! It was Teju.
What sort of feelings didn’t they experience? Cold, ennui, shame, lust, pity,
boredom, confusion, and nausea…deprivation as though a gang locked up
behind bars after a conviction of felony. And another munite, numbness arising
from the barrage of different moods that harassed them impenitently.
You won’t believe that it was around 10:40pm at night that they got reprieve
from a security staff that came to their rescue. Sergeant Dominic-that’s his
name; he was a 5 ft 8’ tall man with broad shoulders, distinct bump on the right
cheek and piercing pairs of eyes. He unlocked the padlock and looked at every
one of them, speechless and transfixed in astonishment.
And what happened to Teju? Nothing, they were neither bold to report him nor
were they sure of the next trick he had up sleeves if they went ahead to report.
In anyway, they had no sure evidence against him. It was a fierce experience.
Also at about 12:15 am one day while in SS1, Teju had taken a permanent
marker and he scribbled the devil’s number on everyone’s left hand…so adept
that none woke up, although some had their sleep a little disturbed. I ensured
Teju slept before I dozed-off and as everyone woke up, there was serious panic
in Prince Kaka Hall(our hostel then)….even Teju had it on, of course he wrote it
on himself and myself too. “666…!”. I didn’t panic because I knew it was Teju’s
blueprint, but I enjoyed watching almost everyone confused to their bone
marrows.
2. Senior PANGOLO
Back then in school our senior colleagues were brutish; they did all sort of
things to prove their superiority. There was this generally lanky guy; lousy in
speech and notorious for ridiculing lecturers. He punished me one day he sent
me out of school to get some contra(items that were disallowed for use within
the college) which I declined because it was against school regulations. He took
it hard at me and does just anything to spite me to press home his irritation. I
was in JSS2 Gold, we had Gold, Silver, Diamond and Platinum Classes then.
So what could I do to this ruffian? I thought, we finished our exams and were
preparing to leave school. This senior student stays by the window side directly
facing M-Wing (where he can get a good glimpse of entry and exit of junior
students). A night before our departure for the term, I got a big MILO tin and
stuffed it with excrement …. What for! One dastard action that would remain in
the minds of many of us then at Cosmos Academy, Agodi for a very long time.
This was how the acronym ‘Senior Pangolo’ gained usage in the speech of
students up till this day.
While everyone was asleep, I dropped it at the senior’s window side which was
positioned directly above his head, I made sure no one saw me. At 20 minutes
past midnight I leaped, tiptoed and got to the wing. A day before that night
which was a Wednesday I had gone to puncture the unit supplying electricity to
that block.
After dropping the stocked tin carefully at the window, I used a stick to drop its
content over and hey! Pangolo must have received a baptism of shit.
I leaped back avoiding the light and shielding my shadow. I slipped into my
coverlet and zoom… I slept off. The confusion that rented the hostel air was
unimaginable and it took close to an hour before this Pangolo guy and his
friends came to the reality of a heavy joke played on them. I laughed last.
Ther is this other case of one guy whose name is a little hazy now. He told his
friends that he could do "Touch and Follow" after collecting money, he gave him
something like a Key-holder ring glued to a cowrie. "Touch and Follow" was
some sort of talismanic devise in which its user gives a command and the mark
simply follows. That he should slap the girl’s ass with it.
The Guy just went to one pretty big girl that had boyfriends in senior class. He
slapped the girl twice on the ass. Thereafter, the girl turned and beat him up
with reckless abandon. Grin! Grin! Grin!
She also went to report to a female teacher after beating the guy seriously for
several minutes, the guy confessed that he was testing “Touch and follow”. The
case worsened as it became the sensation in school then, reported to the
disciplinary unit, the school catechist…everyone especially female teachers took
serious interest in the case.
The girl’s boyfriend and his friends beat up the guy and the "medicine man"
seriously, tying both of them back-to-back and asking them to run….It was
simply inconceivable.
In the hostel they were asked to fill the gutter with water or draw a car and
push it to start. They got really sore after the bad show.
3. The Evil that MEN do….
“Hey! Which class?”. Three! I said with some deadpan audacity while shielding
my real status and displeasure of being sent on unnecessary errands as SS3
boys are wont to. But the guy figured it out. “You are a nincompoop!” he cursed
so you are in JSS3 and you are saying Three as though we were mates! “But I
said three-I actually meant JSS3, you misconstrued me”. I defended.
“…I say you be buffoon and na malu be your oldman. Go and get me water to
drink!” I smiled wryly and dashed quickly for the water as if wanting to be
obedient.
I collected some water from the Tap behind the dome and on seeing a trace of
urine path coming from the rear of the leaky walls of female toilet, I scooped
some and dropped like 3 drops of jaundiced urine (yellow urine; the sight of
which nauseates). “Here is it” I said with some humility. The wonk thanked me
and said I should take some first because he hardly trusts any junior student. I
told him it was needless and that I got it from the dome tap which was the
healthiest then as it was recently installed. Many pipes in the school were
diseased conduits as rust and fractures characterized it…water flowing is hardly
clear let alone clean.
That was in 1994 and the school was just six (6) months to its 49th year
anniversary, most of its structures needed salvaging repairs and maintenance.
With a ferocious voice he yelled “I say drink first!” As I attempted to pick the
cup, he rushed at me as if he knew the content of my mind. I had wanted to
throw the cup’s content away to feign my interpretation of what he requested.
By his command I was interpreting it as “Go get the water again”. Of course
because I wasn’t mad enough to drink the coloured water.
And before I could hear ‘jack’ he forced the mixture into my mouth. The only
thing I could recall now is that I was admitted for days in the school clinic
before I was transferred to OXFORD CLINIC near the state gulf club due to
dysentery, purging and a convoluted appalling condition which I find hard to
describe medically. I missed my 3rd term exams and I almost repeat that
class. The evil that men do no longer lives after them, if lives with them.
And what about smuggling Laboratory equipments, Chemicals, reagents, and
test tubes just because I wanted to become another Boyle's, Charles, Isaac
Newton!
4. SINS of desire
Desire and passion are feelings that can hardly go once initiated. Desire can
make a man continue to crave for that which is his object of lust for decades or
so long as he breathes. In my fourth year in secondary school one funny
incident occurred. Once students get to the fourth year they are separated into
four classes viz ; Sciences, Art, Technical, Management. In each of these classes
there is mixing of sexes. We were paired because of the general belief that
pairing makes students more attentive, more studious and generally composed.
I was in management class (business related courses, accounting, economics
etc where taught). Kame Danielson was my sit mate, he was an average
student and I liked him because he had a fine accent. On row three column
seven was seated Betty (a brief, chubby and light-skinned lady) and Dave
Fredrick a chubby but tall son of a renowned bishop and he is kru by tribe. My
college, Quintessence High school, in Zwedru was one of the leading institutions
in Liberia.
One day while in Commerce Class, the teacher was going round the class as he
explained some rudiments of international trade and the GDP evaluation of
different nations.
Betty and Dave were lost in lust as the devoured the pages of an X-rated 418
hard-paper back book. Catastrophe struck when the teacher sighted both of
them non-attentive, carried away and engrossed in something else. As he went
round, he dipped his hand into it and eureka! A text book of anomie was found.
Confusion gripped the entire 37 students in class because the penalty culture
then was to deal with the whole class.
So what is this book which we later code-named ‘K-book’? Was it more
important than the commerce class or was it an encyclopaedic business manual?
Both students were asked by the Admission Officer to come along with their
parents the next day or forfeit their admission. They had brought shame to
themselves, they had ridiculed my class, they had ridiculed the school as this
news spread like wildfire through other colleges, and they had humiliated their
parents who were both respected entrepreneurs and religious figures. Betty’s
father was a senior member of the Divine Fire ministries in Monrovia.
This became the subject of talk for months to come. A female trader once asked
me “Are you from kuntishens” that was how best she could pronounce it. I
answered in the affirmative and she said again “Commerce class?” I felt so
embarrassed that I scampered away. If she had asked this question before the
incident, I will proudly answer her questions and give her guidelines if her kids
were to apply for studies at Quintessence. I felt really bad as I later realized
that these censored materials were mostly from neighbouring francophone
countries moral values were on the down.
5. ESCAPE FROM EYADEMA
Gnasingbe Eyadema was an autocratic president of Togo whose stubbornness
and crudity saw him stay in power for 38 years with a his ability to suppress
revolt and a mythic invulnerability being the only survivor of a 1974 plane
crash,His tenure ended recently as death accosted him.
There was this slim teacher we had who was as old as the foundation of my
school. Mr Olu Adefolalu Michael. We derided him with the Eyadema thing when
after two attempts to get him out of school failed. Two teachers had framed-up
issues around him. He takes us fine-art/craft and usually ask us to come atimes
with materials for batik, buy ink for banners, and special pastels, lycra and
other Art materials. A case against him in which he defended himself twice at
the PTA meeting (in one of those meetings two parents were said to be putting
on kampala made by their wards) and finally at the Mr. Henry led disciplinary
committee. He also scaled through.
Another case was one in which he was said to have beaten a girl to coma as
punishment for her not doing her assignment. In truth she didn’t do her
assignment. She fainted after two horsewhips. News filtered round school that
Eyadema had punished a student to death for not doing an assignment in arts
not mathematics or English language! Investigations proved later the girl was a
sickle-patient just recovering from high fever and that she neither took drugs
nor ate food on the said day. Uchena Onuoha was given just two when 3 other
defaulters had taken 5 each. So if others did not faint why Uchena? I kept my
Uniform up till today, for I cherish my days in TKS Idaoni.
6. STAND STILL
Mr Standstill was notorious for his authoritarian ways. He scares the hell out the
day of every student by his questions, looks, and demeanor. Even within the
school we hardly crossed his path. He had a way of creating decorum. ‘Standstill
and stay as you are!’ he will yell from the front door every time he comes in. A
couple of times he catches students standing on the reading desk and ‘still’ they
must stand. This was where he derived his name from. He is actually an efik by
tribe. He wears a thick saddamic moustache and a black fez cap.
It happened one afternoon while I was in my mum’s shop. My mum is a trader
in Minna main market, she sells building materials (nails, asbestos, and
corrugated iron sheets).I sometimes join her during the weekends to give
assisting hands.
On realizing that Mr. Standstill (honestly I cant recall his real name any longer)
comes for shopping with his wife at weekends, I informed my colleagues in
class; about 18 of us staying very close to the market. We all agreed to
converge close to mainasara Street where we can shield ourselves from his
sight. We were all gathered there and we waited about the time he comes for
his purchases. 10:28 am he passed by and we all screamed in our loudest
voices “Mr Standstill”. We took off immediately. You won’t believe what
happened. Standstill pursued us and attempted get hold of at least one of us…in
a busy market like minna central market. God! Mr Standstill could not catch up
with our childish pace and tricky navigation through a market we knew like the
back of our hands. We all escaped and hid away from him. His wife watched
shamefully as he panted returning to her. On Monday, 13th of July 1992 during
the Assembly he made an announcement that if anyone knows who screamed a
derisive name against him. They should come to him and kindly apologize and
that he was not going to do anything to hurt or punish them. Alas, he was
setting a trap. Terundu-that Tiv boy was the sellout. I have never met a dummy
like him in my entire existence. Terundu was 4 years older than most of us who
averaged 8 years, Terundu was 12 years old. We had always expected him to
be the wiser and smarter but God! Forgive me for saying his senses was in the
reciprocal.
He opened up and we were all in trouble. I and two others agreed to take
revenge. While in primary 6, we set thorns and spikes under his car and the rest
is now history. We took our pound of flesh.
7. FORTY WINKS of VIJAY
21st August is the birth-date I share with a guy during my college years. The
funny incidence that has come to be etched permanently in my subconscious
mind is the episode that happened on this date to the boy Olumide Vijay (he
was of mixed parenthood). He was generally humourous and witty; he had a
good knowledge of geography and the location of any city was on his fingertip.
Just name a city, island, or country and he will tell you the very point where it
was located….it made us think of him as someone who had toured round these
places due to his accurate knowledge of places. Although a half-caste, he spoke
better Yoruba and urhobo.
Vijay had a large appetite for nunu(unpasteurized cow milk) which he buys from
a nomadic lady who speaks hesitant ungrammatical English.
He sleeps off after consuming this milk. It had a special tranquilizing effect on
him.
He had a grouse with a set of boys over who should lead the school debate
group. The boys then promised to ‘show him pepper’. From his size there was
hardly anything they could do even as a group to hurt him. Showing him pepper
was therefore the only option for them.
But it took them four terms to nurse hatred, hatch and perfect plan of how to
teach Vijay a lesson.
On this said day, Vijay had consumed some nunu and therefore heavily asleep
when boys numbering five carefully suspended him from the upper bonk of our
double-bunked beds. He was dropped outside in the open air. The atmosphere
was cooperative neither cold nor stormy…what he got in full dosage was tablets
from mosquitoes…their hymn woke him up around 5am and he concluded it was
a dream. On screaming he realized he was all alone in the open field. That was
one rib-aching thing we recall with nostalgia and giggle. Pure teenage folly!
8. SCALERS
If by chance, providence or sheer luck I catch anyone of you or group of
persons scaling over the fence, in daytime or at the wee hours of the
night…then there shall be fire in soweto.
Those were the common words of Mr Mensah Boateng. He conduct weekly
assemblies with so much intellectual proficiency that in him we saw an orator-so
much persuasive skills, a preacher-as he laments our misdemeanours, a
statesman-as he whines about patriotism, a father-as his pleas insinuates, a
tutor-as he reminds us of the many students that have succeeded after drinking
from his pot of tutelage.
‘Your punishment is 20 frog-jumps through the field and one week of hard
labour in the school farm’, he roared at the five of them; Kingsley, Bright,
Kevin, Eunice and Nehemiah Nanwanhyet (the petite boy with the long name).
These set of students were caught combing the streets on a weekend making
frantic purchases from this part of the market to that part of the market.
Unknown to them, the school game-master had been tailing them everywhere
until they entered boulevard Supermarket. He got inside after they did and
feigned ignorance of their presence. As they ended their purchases it was
obvious that a ‘big party’ was in the offing. He moved to the pay-counter and
the ten eyes crossed his directly…tension mounted. The type of tension in the
mind of two cars about to collide in a ghastly accident. He moved closer
recognizing Eunice and asking in a standoffish manner ‘whose birthday is it?’
As if giving us an answer to our panic. But no, this was no birthday and we are
bound to court more trouble if we resign to his excuse. And that was how he
requested our names which he submitted to the iron-man of Soweto.
We had wanted to lie that we took excuse. But from who? We also thought we
could say that we passed through the gate, again no such records with Ali, the
gatemen’s register. Dilemma courting anxiety in a precarious fashion. Because
even if we have to return to Technical college, gboko we must mark the register
before gaining entrance. Therefore it was not only obvious that we didn’t pass
through the school main gate, it was clear that we couldn’t lie about it. Our
voyage was as illegal as the things we went to buy to throw a mini-party for a
friend of ours marking his birthday; cakes, specially designed cards, flowers,
perfumes, sweets and biscuits were the things that got us into deep shit. Our
Birthday celebration turned into glum as we were made to leap like frogs
…causing unforgivable backache and nerve-strains.
[b]9. NUTTY BY NATURE [/b]
Some persons are created with every comic imprint on their nature and
disposition. Such was the nature of salisu-too simple. He was codenamed ‘toosimple’
because of his appearance. At first glance, he looks so simple that you’ll
never take him for a wacky guy. He is in fact a study in comedy, he was nutty
by nature.
It was his innate skill that he tried to put to the fore as he exploited the timid
character of ladies in our 5th year in secondary school.
He was in Art class. One day he came into our class to borrow mathematical
sets, promising Stephanie that he was going to return it in a matter of munites.
Once he was through with class work he will make sure she gets it.
Stephanie chatted with about a dozen ladies, they called it ladies’ alliance (a
meeting of gossips, trivial issues and rumours garnished by rumourists).
In about fifteen minutes he returned and thankfully gave it to her. She said to
him “wait! I don’t trust you; I want to ensure my set is complete”
Whaaaat! Everyone jumped in confused directionless motion; confusing steps
and colliding inadvertently. Please! Please! They pleaded. Gloria hurt her toes as
she attempted escaping horror. While Alice collided with Johnson Inalegwu
head-to-head, Linda’s skirt was caught by a nail and made an impression.
When the confusion gained ground, the boys decided to come in to rescue the
situation. Too-simple was off, he jumped out of the window like a thief.
And what did we see? A matured lifeless 15-inch long Agama lizard. Their hearts
almost jumped out of their mouths in fright and trepidation. Most ladies
detested lizards, and here was a complete meal of LIZARD.
They reported the issue and too-simple got the fag end; trashing!
10. PLEASE DON’T EXPEL IT!
Mrs Aderemi Oladosun was the wife of a business mogul in ikire. Like every
Yoruba family they held education and learning in high value. That was the case
of a mother in agony for her child’s reprehensible misconduct. She had come to
plead for Isaac Aderemi for an offense unheard of in the precinct of ikire.
Isaac was a master signature; he forges everything forgeable, he had good
artistic skills…what he lacked in mathematics, he compensated for in con and
debauchery. Isaac’s father was wealthy enough to afford just anything he
needed, yet he never spoilt his kids with money or materials. He wanted them
to be well behaved, disciplined and to know the value of hardwork. While some
parents drop their wards in school, Mr. Aderemi would rather allow Isaac and his
two daughters to trek down to school which was just few kilometers away from
home.
One fateful day, Ugo Ebube came to school with his father’s passbook. What
for? We wondered aloud. Ugo had sought the help of the master signature the
king of forgery-Isaac to debit his father’s account by N3000. This is good money
considering the Naira-Dollar exchange rate and market value it had sixteen
years ago.
So Isaac went to work, like one used to bank transactions; carefully writing to
request payment in the name of Mr. Ebube Emecheta C. Everything worked
perfectly. At Equitorial Trust bank, Ikire they were attended to by middle aged
man who assumed they had come on behalf of their father-the owner of the
account. He also assumed the sums payable to them was likely to be their
school fees. Both friends were putting on plastic wrist bands.
And in seconds, it flashed through his mind. This was neither beginning of term
nor midway into the term, when school fees are being paid.
He peered into their eyes to retrieve answers “Are you sure, your dad asked you
to make this withdrawal?” “Yes Sir!” they answered. The bank guy asked them
to wait a little as he goes into a safer room he dialed Mr.Ebube for confirmation.
It rang endlessly without anyone picking it. Seeing the calmness on Isaac and
Ugo, he deduced that they could be sent by their parents-Boys in JSS3 were
not too small to handle that in today’s Nigeria.
It was after the money has been finally paid that a man moved into the banking
hall with some action movie swiftness-he arrested them and asked the bank
manager to come down …from the records his camera’s took, some facts were
accessed. This camera was bad! Bad enough to record the minutest whispers
that these boys made, their total eye-movement,gesticulation,facial expressions
all point at one thing-Thieves or fraudsters.
That was how the duo were caught and reprimanded in the school’s Bermuda
house (a single door, double windowed tall building where school rogues and
capital offenders were chastised). If their parents were not staying in Ikire I am
almost sure the Principal will ensure they are put in police custody at least for
some days.
You will never believe a prison exist in a secondary school, but ours was a
school with notorious elements , surrounded by more notorious ones like Scapel
Academy, Fahrenheit College, Command secondary school and New Scholars
International School.
Two days later Mrs. Aderemi Oladosun wept endlessly in the principal’s office.
She was thinly educated but whatever she couldn’t acquire in terms of
education, she deemed it necessary for her children. As she pleaded, the phrase
that gained much frequency was “Please sir! Don’t expel it!” “ Nitori olohun !
Please, his father will kill him! Don’t expel it”. “Please sir! Don’t expel it!” “ Nitori
olohun ! Don’t expel it. What! Expel it or him? Comedy I inferred.
Those of us bold enough to eavesdrop from the window at the eastern flank of
the principal’s office could not help but laugh discretely.
Her plea was accepted but Ugo who could not come with his parents was
withdrawn from school to become an apprentice. I heard he now sells
Automobile spare-parts in Nnewi, eastern Nigeria.
11. SMOKERS’ PARADISE
An Idle hand is the devil’s workhouse. That was the case with us in JSS1.
Take chances and you will be in trouble with the ‘young and the restless’
amongst us.
Whenever we were free in class either because a teacher wasn’t around or the
teacher busied us with some class-work to do and takes the risk of leaving us
in class while we do our sums, it turns into playtime.
There was nothing we didn’t do: from sticking chewed gums on the sits for
students to sit on, to pinning up a sticker behind unsuspecting students with
derisive titles like “BEAT ME! I AM A FOOL”, “I AM A DUMB ASS”, “MY BODY
STINKS, BEWARE”, “S.O.D” and many others.
The most interesting however is the smoking session. When we consider the
Health ministry’s warning on smoking, it makes the trick even more sarcastic.
Someone falls asleep and up we go… we get some white chalk grinded, neatly
rolled up in a paper and then attached to the slightly opened mouth of those
taking short naps. And the smoking continues, the whole class will be charged
with a cacophony of laughter and the sleeping guy wakes up without knowing
who did what to make him smoke.
We had a notice board where the record of ‘about-to-die’ smokers list was
kept. For almost two classes we were never caught or reported until we did for
Ijeoma. Cornelius jooked me with a pen cover signaling to me that someone
was asleep. I looked through the class then saw a sleeping queen with a pink
headband. Ijeoma was a noisemaker too but on this day she must be fagged
out from so much restlessness. She reported us and the trio got punished.
She was punished for sleeping in class and we (Steve and Cornelius) were
punished for juvenile misconduct. It didn’t stop there, we still did it like twice
in that same class and the class adjacent to ours. I recalled one day when I
misplaced my Mathematics Textbook, I had to take a classmates own (he kept
it carelessly) and I can’t go home without my books all in-tact. I changed the
cover, but had to return it at the end of the term when I recovered mine. It
was fun playing pranks in school.
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your r nt funny, fuckin dry guy. I don't no why some pple just can't be original. I tire o!
