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Seun (m)
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FUNKY PATIENT - A SHORT SCREENPLAY
WRITTEN BY: SEUN OSEWA
EMAIL ADDRESS: SEUN AT NAIRALAND.COM
Copyright © 2006, Oluwaseun Osewa.
All Rights Reserved. Draft 1.1a
INT. - HOSPITAL WARD - DAY
IRISI, a sweaty, sickly looking young man of about
18 is helped into a bed by SISI, a very attractive
25 year old female doctor. She takes her seat
beside him.
IRISI
Doctor Sisi, do you love me?
SISI
(surprised, shaken)
What?
She quickly regains her composure.
SISI
Of course, Irisi. As a doctor, I have
to love all my patients.
IRISI
I mean, do you love me more than you
love your other patients?
Pregnant pause.
SISI
Yes, I love you more than I love other
patients. You've been here for several
weeks, so I think I can confidently tell
you that I love you as a RESIDENT
patient.
IRISI
Ok. Do you know what is wrong with my
body?
SISI
To be honest with you, I'm not so sure.
You've tested negative to all the
ailments I've suspected so far. I'd
like to test you for HIV, so we can also
rule that out.
Irisi breaks into a grin.
SISI
Hope no problem?
Irisi's grin grows wider as he looks towards her.
SISI
Irisi!
IRISI
I'm sorry.
SISI
What's so funny?
IRISI
I was just wondering how I could have
AIDS when I've never even kissed a girl
in my life!
SISI
(leaning closer)
Really? You've never ever kissed a
woman in your life?
IRISI
(breathing hard)
No. Not even once.
Patience, a female nurse, rushes into ward.
Immediately, the doctor pulls back and looks up.
NURSE
Doctor, there's an emergency in hall
49. A patient collapsed on his way to
the bathroom. We don't know why?
Sisi jumps up from her seat.
SISI
Is he stable?
NURSE
I don't know. He was rushed to the
emergency room minutes ago.
SISI
Alright, let's go.
SISI
(to Irisi as she leaves)
Irisi, you're taking the HIV test this
evening. Sex is not the only way people
get infected.
IRISI
(still amused)
Alright ma.
Sisi rushes out with the nurse.
Irisi lies back in bed and dozes off after a few
seconds.
INT. - HOSPITAL WARD - DAY
Irisi is lying on the same bed from the last
scene, but sitting up. He appears weak, but
perhaps not as sick as he was last night. Doctor
Sisi walks into the room with Patience the nurse,
who is carrying a file. As they enter, Patience
hands over a test result sheet to the doctor.
SISI
Irisi.
IRISI
Good morning Doctor Sisi, Sister
Patience.
PATIENCE
Good morning Irisi.
SISI
How are you feeling today?
IRISI
Not too bad, not too good.
SISI
According to this report, you're HIV
negative. That's good news.
IRISI
The bad news is that I'm still sick.
SISI
Right. And we can't find anything
physically wrong with you. I think your
problem is psychosomatic.
Irisi struggles to say something. Sisi waits
patiently for him to talk, but he says nothing.
SISI
A psychosomatic illness is an illness of
the mind. You feel pain and weakness all
over your body, but the feeling
originates from your mind. Your brain.
SISI
(touching her head)
Right here.
Irisi nods.
SISI
How are you doing, generally? How is
school?
IRISI
I'm awaiting my results.
SISI
SSCE results?
Irisi nods.
SISI
What grades were you expecting.
IRISI
Five credits and 2 passes. I think I'm
going to fail Yoruba.
SISI
Is that what's making you unhappy?
IRISI
I'm not unhappy.
SISI
I see (not convinced).
What about that your girlfriend
situation. Does it worry you?
Irisi blushes and gestures towards sister
Patience. Doctor Sisi understands and is amused.
SISI
Oh, you're shy.
Let's go to my office for the rest of
this consultation.
Sister Patience storms out with his file.
SISI
Haba, Patience!
Patience stops in her tracks.
SISI
Can I please have Irisi's file?
The nurse returns and hands the file to the
Doctor, who hesitates briefly to say
SISI
And you call yourself patience!
Patience drops the file on Irisi's bed, then
marches right out. Sisi supports Irisi as he gets
up and helps him towards her office.
SISI
Don't mind her. I think she likes you.
IRISI
Really?
SISI
I was just joking.
Irisi, disappointed, hangs his head low.
INT. - OFFICE OF THE DOCTOR - DAY
Sisi enters with Irisi and helps him into his
seat. Then she takes her seat next to his, and
moves her chair closer.
SISI
So, this your girlfriend situation ,
does it make you unhappy?
IRISI
Maybe.
Sisi sighs deeply
SISI
(to herself)
What can we do to get you a girlfriend?
IRISI
There's a particular girl I have in
mind.
SISI
Tell me about her.
IRISI
She's a mature, well educated, smart,
responsible and caring lady.
SISI
Have you told her how you feel?
IRISI
No.
Do you think my weakness will be cured if
I tell her how I feel?
SISI
Maybe, maybe not. You won't know unless
you try.
IRISI
What if she rejects me?
Sisi reaches out to touch Irisi's hand (a motherly
gesture)
SISI
Darling, you have a handsome baby face,
soft skin, a gentle demeanor, and a rich
family. Once you snap out of this
sickness you'll be a hot potato. Many
girls will jump at the opportunity to go
out with you.
IRISI
I don't want "many" girls, just this
one. It's this one I want.
SISI
Why are you so particular about this
girl?
IRISI
(looking around)
Do you promise not to tell anyone?
SISI
Yes.
IRISI
Any time I close my eyes, I see her. I am
tormented by visions of her. Visions
that never stop.
SISI
So, you want her because dream about her
all the time?
IRISI
No.
A dream is something that you see when you're
sleeping, right?
Sis nods "yes".
IRISI
I do not dream about her. I have
VISIONS about her. Powerful visions that
visit me in my sleep and flash before me
during every moment of my day. Visions
that fill my soul with this forbidden
passion for an unavailable woman. I
want to extinguish this passion before
it takes over my soul, but alas, I think
it's too late.
I'm a prisoner of love. My heart belongs
to her.
SISI
Hey, poet, come back to the real world.
Do you mean to tell me that you are
having a vision of this girl right now?
IRISI
(staring into space)
Right now?
Sisi nods affirmatively.
IRISI
Yes. In fact, , [inaudible]
SISI
This is serious o. Can you tell me how
the two of you met? Her name and
where she lives?
IRISI
Her identity is confidential.
SISI
How confidential? Come on, tell me!
IRISI
No.
Sisi's voice suddenly turns professional.
SISI
Irisi, if you love this girl as much as
you say, you should tell her how you
feel. If she rejects you, it's no big
deal.
Whatever you do, don't tell her about
these visions of yours. She may not
understand. You don't want her to think
you are crazy.
And don't keep pestering her if she says
no. No means no. Ok?
Irisi frowns.
SISI
Look, there are many fishes in the
ocean. There are many nice and beautiful
girls all over the place. You shouldn't
fixate your mind on one girl.
Your dreams, or whatever you call them
IRISI
Visions
SISI
(continues)
visions, are just a product of your
obsession to this girl.
Irisi's frown deepens in response.
SISI
I'm not saying you should not ask her
out or try to act upon your visions.
Ask her out. If she says yes, good for
you.
If she says no, move on. Life is live
and let live.
Irisi tries to get up in annoyance, but he fails
because he's too weak. Instead of helping him up,
Sisi reaches under her office desk and pulls out a walking
stick.
SISI
Here's a gift I bought for you. Take
it.
He takes it and uses it to get up on his own.
Then she writes him a prescription and hands the
slip to him.
SISI
Take this to John in the pharmacy. The
drugs I've prescribed will help you with
your visions. Make sure you don't miss
any dose o.
Irisi stumbles out of the office on his new
walking stick. When he finally shuts the door,
Sisi just shakes her head and after doing some
work, lays down her head for a quick nap. Someone
knocks, waking her up.
SISI
Come in.
Patience enters the room with a basket of flowers
with an envelope in it. As she enters, she reads
the label
PATIENCE
Someone dropped this in front of your
office. It says, "with love from a
secret admirer."
SISI
Secret admirer? Let me see it.
Patience hands her the envelope. As she opens the
card inside it, Patience leans over to spy on the
contents. Sisi notices this and quickly closes
the card.
SISI
Em, Patience, thank you very much. Can
I have some privacy, please?
Patience drops the flowers on her desk and marches
out.
PATIENCE
(barely inaudible)
Always hiding things from me ,
Sisi waits for her to slam the door, then reads
the contents of the card. She smiles, then
shouts:
SISI
Patience!
Patience, I know you're standing behind
that door. Please come in!
Patience opens the door and steps in.
SISI
Can you help me deliver a message to the
pharmacy desk? Tell John to dispense
Paracetamol instead of the tablets I
prescribed for Irisi.
PATIENCE
Alright ma.
After Patience leaves, Sisi, still smiling,
arranges her desk to create some space for the
bouquet of flowers. Then she preens her hair and
applies some makeup after fetching a mirror from
her purse. She cradles the card on her chest like
a baby for a while, and lays it face up on her
table.
Finally, she gets up, still smiling. With both
hands in the pockets of her overalls, she marches
out of her office and locks the door after
herself. Still smiling.
The message on the card sent by Doctor Sisi's
secret admirer, left open on her able, reads,
"Doctor, YOU are the girl in my visions.
How about that?"
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zPixel (m)
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Wow, nice script. If i predict right, SISI will fall for IRISI; besides, the age difference is not much. And what's the lesson  |
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toy boy
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Seun hey, what happens next?
hope a part two is coming soon because it mustn't end this way.
awaiting the final part before i comment fully.
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Seun (m)
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Seun hey, what happens next?
Hope a part two is coming soon because it mustn't end this way. Alas, that's the end of the story. It's a very short story. I'm writing a longer story that owes a lot to this one. Wow, nice script.
If i predict right, SISI will fall for IRISI; besides, the age difference is not much. Thanks! Yes, Sisi and Irisi are going to have an affair, but no one knows whether the relationship will last. And what's the lesson The major lesson in this story is that certain illnesses - psychosomatic illnesses - originate from the mind. When I get my production equipment, I'll probably produce and direct this script and put the movie on Youtube! |
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Genial (m)
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Wow, nice script. If i predict right, SISI will fall for IRISI; besides, the age difference is not much. And what's the lesson If you predict right, the story is not worth reading, because that would be so improbable that it would take a world without gravity and flying pigs to make it happen. Thanks! Yes, Sisi and Irisi are going to have an affair, but no one knows whether the relationship will last.The major lesson in this story is that certain illnesses - psychosomatic illnesses - originate from the mind. When I get my production equipment, I'll probably produce and direct this script and put the movie on Youtube! I see that pigs actually do fly. I stand corrected. |
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Seun (m)
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If you predict right, the story is not worth reading, because that would be so improbable that it would take a world without gravity and flying pigs to make it happen. Interesting stories are based on unlikely events. Normal events are boring because they happen around us all the time. A story about pigs flying, if properly delivered, is far more interesting than a story about pigs that don't fly!! The burden is on me to convince you that such an unlikely event could happen under the circumstances of my story. |
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zPixel (m)
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@ seun I hope you'll post the rest of the story, i really want to see how they we both end up. You can even start a series from here. You're correct, unlikely events are more interesting than stuffs that we're use to. Check out this short clip about flying penguins http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnlCz1P95WM |
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Genial (m)
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Interesting stories are based on unlikely events. Normal events are boring because they happen around us all the time. A story about pigs flying, if properly delivered, is far more interesting than a story about pigs that don't fly!! The burden is on me to convince you that such an unlikely event could happen under the circumstances of my story. Fair enough. 1. My intention is not to bash your effort, but rather to contribute constructively towards your attempt to develop a good script. 2. Rewind: Your story is quite interesting, well-written and intriguing so far. 3. In my opinion, for the doctor to fall for the patient would be too predictable. From the story line, this is something you would expect to see in a Nollywood script or a children's play. It is immediately obvious who the giver and recipient of the attention are, respectively. One actually dares to hope for a different outcome than the expected man + woman = romance. 4. If the pigs must fly, at least you could try to make it believable. Pigs may fly in space and on the moon, but not on earth. Unless, of course, they are special pigs that have wings, etc. What I'm saying is, how probable is it that a successful young, attractive, female medical doctor will go weak at the knees from the attentions of an 18-year old male patient, as suggested in this story? After Patience leaves, Sisi, still smiling,
arranges her desk to create some space for the
bouquet of flowers. Then she preens her hair and
applies some makeup after fetching a mirror from
her purse. She cradles the card on her chest like
a baby for a while, and lays it face up on her
table.
Finally, she gets up, still smiling. With both
hands in the pockets of her overalls, she marches
out of her office and locks the door after
herself. Still smiling.
The message on the card sent by Doctor Sisi's
secret admirer, left open on her able, reads,
"Doctor, YOU are the girl in my visions.
How about that?" So, for this particular pig to fly, it must have wings or be specially endowed to do so. Why should there be a romance between the two of them, and HOW can the doctor be so easily influenced by him - it's not as though she's never seen a man before, is it? Perhaps the latter instalments of the story will try to answer these questions. Regards, G. |
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LoverBwoy (m)
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Very good, hope it comes out good on screen
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jammin (m)
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Without vision a people perish. I suppose the same can be said of a man or individual.
I am sure that in the recent past there was a "love" affair(heavily covered by the media) of a young boy 14yrs i believe, and a grown attractive woman who happened to be the boy's teacher.
I am no intellectual quack, so i do recognize that ANYTHING conceivable, is not outside the scope of reality. So my suggestion is to continue to pursue the storyline, who knows, it might be the next Nollywood blockbuster.
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Genial (m)
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LOL. . . I hear you, Jammin. You dey quote bible?  |
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jammin (m)
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That particular SQUEAL was delightful to my ears  now how do i get my target to now sprout wings? |
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Genial (m)
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Create the wings, simple! The problem is when your target is not a bird, a plane or a flying saucer - or indeed any known flying animal, and then you tell us that it flies without wings!  What's with the squeal? Is your target a SOW? |
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jammin (m)
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ha! a man of impeccable insight. that is why i like people of acute perception. They know when they are being STUCK |
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Genial (m)
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The feeling is MUTUAL.  |
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jammin (m)
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I was wondering about the Inspiration for this Screenplay. Still not seeing the relation. however am not averse to being Directed.
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Genial (m)
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The Director is in a better position to respond to your enquiry, sir.  |
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jammin (m)
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Am sorry i cannot continue  . My constant companion have been this massive headache  . However i reserve the right to engage at time when am less taxed mentally. |
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Genial (m)
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My sympathies to you, Monsieur. I wish both of you a speedy recovery. Have a good evening! |
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Seun (m)
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Actors Wanted:
Male actor who looks 18 to play the role of Irisi.
Strikingly attractive female actress to pay the role of the doctor.
Another female actress to play the role of sister Patience.
Payment: Refreshments and the opportunity for a mutually beneficial professional relaionship
Location: A hospital at Sango Ota, Ogun State.
email address: seun@nairaland.comSo, for this particular pig to fly, it must have wings or be specially endowed to do so. Why should there be a romance between the two of them, and HOW can the doctor be so easily influenced by him - it's not as though she's never seen a man before, is it? Perhaps the latter instalments of the story will try to answer these questions. You are right; it's a major plot hole. I was wondering about the Inspiration for this Screenplay. Still not seeing the relation. however am not averse to being Directed. This was meant to be the first act of a 70 page story, but I changed my mind and decided to release this as a short story instead of just throwing it away. I could use it to practice the art of movie production. |
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Damsal (f)
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I actually found your story quite interesting, i just think it has some loose ends. This dude is said to be sick and the cause of hs sickness is the doctor, did he know her before he was admitted into the hospital or was he admited into the hospital and then he started to have the visions. Or did he have visions of her, develop an illness and then on being admitted into the hospital realise that the woman in his vsions is the doctor.
You also do realise that doctors are not allowed to date their patients, right? I guess they could have a relationship but only on the basis that the doctors job is on the line especially when there's a possibility of sister Patience suspecting something.(by the way who calls nurse sister, it's so unprofessional)
And then i do think sisi falls a little to quickly(you do know that girls front a lot, it's expected) and then even worse he's 18 i think she should restrain herself a little (in the circumstances a nigerian woman would not even bother with him check the romance section a woman in her 20's who still 'got it going on would definitely not fall so easily'
I know the title Funky is supposed to be catchy, but it sounds crude, cause of two reasons Irisi's(strange name by the way)character does not sound so interesting (he's a patient forgoodness sake) and a man with such un pronouncable illness does not sound Funky.
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iice (f)
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Hmmmm, not really feeling this one. A bit too all over the place for me. Yeah from the word go i knew the two would end up together. Am not saying that such love affairs are not happening or cannot happen after all truth or maybe reality is stranger than fiction but what happened to the suspence (this is what most people have been saying, the doc falls too easily, u need to draw it out just a bit but not overdo it.)and what exactly happened to the patient? Was her diagnosis right? The end part seems to be like ok she feels that yeah his sickness is more in the head and finally as if she was more preoccupied with her budding relationship than with the illness of the person. Arghhhhh well who knows, it might be a nollywood blockbuster as someone mentioned.
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Seun (m)
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Wow, Damsal and Iice, I love the way you analyse stories. Keep it up, the industry needs insightful critics too!
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balash (m)
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seun come here u done start again shey no be wetin u do wey make them pursue u from actors guild be this stealing script and selling out na here u come dey post am mind u no magha here at all your format no go work?lol wait oo have u gotten a director for the film i might just help u for security reasons because one of my uncle a military man(uniformed gate man ) will be glad to help with arms and armunitions holla me okay
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Seun (m)
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seun come here u done start again shey no be wetin u do wey make them pursue u from actors guild be this stealing script and selling out na here u come dey post am mind u no magha here at all your format no go work? This is a joke, right? Some people won't understand the joke (I don't) so please spell it out. I can confidently boast that this script bears no similarity to those sent to me. It's a unique concept. wait oo have u gotten a director for the film i might just help u for security reasons because one of my uncle a military man(uniformed gate man ) will be glad to help with arms and armunitions holla me okay I appreciate the offer, although I don't like the idea of using real guns for a movie. What if a live bullet finds itself in one of the guns? An actor could end up dead, which is not ok at all. Therefore I really prefer toy guns for movies! |
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zPixel (m)
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@ seun, I appreciate the offer, although I don't like the idea of using real guns for a movie. What if a live bullet finds itself in one of the guns? An actor could end up dead, which is not ok at all. Therefore I really prefer toy guns for movies!
Using toy guns in movies is not a professional idea. it's a sign of how low budget the movie is (well depends on your budget). It's also a big distraction to your audience. I only suggest using toy guns when making movies for 3yr old kids. |
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Seun (m)
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Noted. But, by "toy gun" I really meant realistic-looking toy guns. You won't notice the difference on screen.
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Orikinla (m)
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Funky Patient is a serio-comic drama.
But not as good as the previous ones Seun has written.
Love makes strange bed fellows.
Here are pictures of a true love affair between a Nigerian man and a white woman.
Please, don't laugh.
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balash (m)
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guy u done high so u wan tell u say u no sabi say na joke i dey joke before guy u be real magha oo,as for the gun levels use real guns snhot anybody make we know haw many we remain for nigeria ciao
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queen2 (f)
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IRISI, SISI
confusing character names
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myro (m)
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I think the screenplay is good for what it is, by this I mean a few inconsistencies do not work particularly against it.
I also think it ended just right. No need to get into all the sorty details. The character names were indeed quite confusing but I get SISI for the doctor as a technique but IRISI???
Also, it may be my overexposure to movies and sort but I knew SISI was his love interest from the time he started talking about Visions and I think she should have known too so her reaction was a bit unrealistic. Maybe you want to kind of put it in there for the sake of believability.
I particularly enjoyed the opening conversation, very entertaining and original. Shows the characters have a great sense of humor.
I would definately watch this short film.
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Seun (m)
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Thanks. I'll shoot it once I can secure a hospital and costumes for the purpose (I'm so shy!)
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