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windywendy (f)
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Wendy I know what you mean  The issue of walking out immediately still doesn't go down well  This issue is so sensitive. Well, I guess that's where we differ. The moment I can confirm beyond any doubt that he cheated, I'm out of there fast. I won't even waste my time having any further discussion and trying to find out the reason(s) he cheated. I personally don't believe there's any reason whatsoever for a spouse to cheat and I can never give myself an excuse to do so either. If there were problems, then problems have different solutions, but in my opinion, cheating is NOT one of those solutions. It's just wrong and I absolutely can't stand it. I can take anything, go through any trials and still stand by him, I can even still continue to stick with him if say he gets in a position where he can no longer provide for me and the kids or even becomes impotent or something terrible like that -- I'll buckle up and stand solidly with him. But cheating is where my loyalties will instantly evaporate. |
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TerraCotta (m)
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terra, don't make me hurt you   Threat or promise? Regarding the topic--few people plan to cheat on their spouses, unless they're incorrigible assholes who never intended on being faithful in the first place. There are lots of guys like that--all marriage means to them is a steady meal, regular laundry schedule, and grandkids for their parents. More often than not, it's an opportunistic thing--flirting, drinking too much, etc. I'm sure all the guys and girls in this thread are saints who have never--I mean never--done anything that could be construed as unfaithful, right fellas ?  With the exception of the evil Donzman, of course |
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mamaput (f)
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Well those of us not in Nigeria can afford to say i will not forgive.
In Nigeria not even your Family will support you if you pack out of your husbands house because he cheated. They will ask you to go back if that is your only problem that is not a problem.
Even here in Europe if your marrage is an all Nigerian Marrage no Nigerian will support you.
One needs a real I don't care attitude to pull it through
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mamaput (f)
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Here in Germany i have a friend the husband beat her up they were fighting the police came.
And because the man was drunk and misbehaving the police took him along.
The woman landed in the hospital.
The out come they ask the man he said the wife was a lazy dirty money spender.
They ask the wife, she says the husband had no right to beat her.
All the blame fell on the wife, she was the disgrace for letting it come so far.
I was supporting her the others were pounding me .
With lots of she shouldf have behaved or told the police bla bla bla.
Alu and Tabu she had to beg the husband for giveness.
Thats the true face of Nigeria.
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windywendy (f)
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I think it's a matter of one's mentality, self-esteem and what one truly believes. I'm nigerian through and through, yet not even my family can force me to stay with a cheating spouse -- and I bet you there are many nigerians like that too. Plus I guess it becomes more difficult if the woman is totally dependent on the man for her sustenance -- that way he may take advantage of her, do what he likes and still get away with it. And that's totally wrong, but then shit happens
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jaybaby (f)
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Terragutta --- I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
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TerraCotta (m)
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Terragutta --- I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
LOL @ this. You should probably also mention how badly I stink, or how much of a poo-poo head my daddy is, or something along those lines. Get creative with it  |
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mamaput (f)
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windywendy as a nigerian living in Nigeria not even your boss will support you.
Nigeria is not yet ready for that.
Only very strong women do that And they are not many.
I am not talking of bringing second wife were you may say am a christian.
Am talking about cheating
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jaybaby (f)
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LOL @ this. You should probably also mention how badly I stink, or how much of a poo-poo head my daddy is, or something along those lines. Get creative with it BuHa---Jus stop diz SUCK CAMP shyt it will only bring U trouble But I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet. Did'nt they tell U--I dnt talk shyt!  :- |
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ghengis (m)
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@wendy and busta!
I believe a serious relationship is a lot about communication, being able to reach the deeepest parts of ur partner both the dreams and fears all together, shutting me out means no matter how hard i try, she just aint letting me into those things. Clear?!!!
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windywendy (f)
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windywendy as a nigerian living in Nigeria not even your boss will support you.
Nigeria is not yet ready for that.
Only very strong women do that And they are not many.
I am not talking of bringing second wife were you may say am a christian.
Am talking about cheating
Mama put, I completely agree with you. This does not only apply to Nigerians, it happens here even among white families in the US. And you're right, it's only the strong that can do that. IMO, support is not the issue. I personally am someone who will do what I strongly believe, whether or not there is support from any quarter. Afterall, no one can force anyone to stay with and love another. When I was working in Nigeria, I had a colleague who did the same with her cheating husband. Of course, no one supports divorce and everyone (including me, out of shock because I knew the couple very well) tried to convince her that she should slow down and rethink leaving the guy. But ultimately, no one could convince her to go back. Up till today she's no longer with him and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Ultimately, I think it boils down to one's convictions and resolve and if people know you're resolute about something, they'll generally just leave you alone after a while. Afterall, we each have our own lives to live. So somehow, I guess we're in agreement. |
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windywendy (f)
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@wendy and busta!
I believe a serious relationship is a lot about communication, being able to reach the deeepest parts of your partner both the dreams and fears all together, shutting me out means no matter how hard i try, she just aint letting me into those things. Clear?!!!
Not really. She shuts you out, you cheat. What does that get you? or how does that change anything? Don't you think that would totally eliminate any hopes (however slim) of her ever opening up to you again or just plain make things worse? Unless of course you're out to put an end to the relationship , |
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Donzman (m)
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For those of us who think leaving a marriage is a cakewalk. Imagine being with someone for 10+ years and building a life together, you're going to leave just because he/she cheated once?. . . That doesn't make sense to me!
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windywendy (f)
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Actually, I think what doesn't make sense is the one who is stupid enough to go cheating after being with someone for 10+ years and building a life together  Why risk a 10+ year relationship together with a whole life time for some flimsy fling that'll only last just a few minutes anyway? ? Now that's what shouldn't make sense to you!! |
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Donzman (m)
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Well the issue of why someone would cheat in the first place is another thing, I'm just trying to point out that it's unreasonable to end a 10+ year marriage just like that.
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Radiant (f)
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*Radiant applauds Wendy* Donzy, got that? The worst part of this whole issue is that before you catch your man cheating or have a true evidence, you either have contacted a terrible disease or you already have a rival somewhere without knowing it. So sad! |
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ThiefOfHearts (f)
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havent read anything yet but I wanted to say thanks to Wendy, rad and mamaput for bringing things back on track
quick question, why is good guy still whining? We've moved on, I suggest you do too.
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windywendy (f)
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Well the issue of why someone would cheat in the first place is another thing, I'm just trying to point out that it's unreasonable to end a 10+ year marriage just like that.
Well, all I can say is that actions definitely have consequencies. You don't go breaking the PILLAR of trust in a marriage and expect the marriage not to get seriously derailed. To me, saying it's unreasonable to end a 10+ year marriage on the basis of adultery is like saying it's unreasonable to sentence a 60yr old to jail (or death where applicable) for committing murder, eventhough he had not committed murder for 59+ years of his existence . The bottom line is: Actions have consequencies. And contrary to what most people will want you to believe, Adultery is NEVER a mistake. It's a deliberate action. PS: ToH, you're welcome. It's refreshing to see the topic back on track after that brief moment of "free-for-all" madness |
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Donzman (m)
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@windywendy
You do not crash a 10 year investment over 1 mistake, doesn't seem reasonable to me!
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lauryn (f)
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Bros, So this is where U is?.  |
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Radiant (f)
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Awww. . . Donz go and report to your Mistress  |
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lauryn (f)
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Will U sharrap dia |
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Donzman (m)
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@Lauryn
I'm still around, wondering where you were!
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windywendy (f)
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@windywendy
You do not crash a 10 year investment over 1 mistake, doesn't seem reasonable to me!
I guess we differ in our views on what we call the act of adultery. You call it a mistake, I call it a deliberate act. Now, here's the deal: What crashes the "10 year investment" is NOT the aggrieved spouse who decides to leave, it's the adultery itself. It breaks down trust completely, causes hurt and the marriage just simply ceases to exist even if the two people still stay together. So the one who causes the "crash" is the one who goes out to cheat. Do you get that? ? Why would anyone crash a 10 year investment by going to cheat??!! And yes you're right, it doesn't seem reasonable! |
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Donzman (m)
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Well, you need to first understand that adultery can sometimes be a mistake.
Once that is established, if the adulterer is sorry for his actions and wants to build the relationship back up, how can you throw away the 10 years you already put into the marriage just like that? . . . The adulterer here understands he has cracked the relationship but wants it patched up, I think the adulterer deserves a chance especially if he/she has been loyal for a while!
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windywendy (f)
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Adultery is NEVER a mistake. If it's a mistake when the adulterer is thinking about committing it, it definitely isn't a mistake when he or she is taking the pants down and even if it is at that point, it's absolutely not a mistake when he/she is doing all that foreplay leading up to the actual act of adultery. In my view, it is NEVER a mistake. The adulterer deserves a second chance if he/she has been loyal for a while??? Yeah, like the murderer deserves not to go to jail if he/she has committed the crime only once in the last 50+ years. Well, different strokes for different folks. But for me that relationship is over for good no matter how long it has lasted. Adultery is the ultimate betrayal. How can one even begin to trust a person like that again?? It's not a question of throwing away the 10years i've already put into the marriage, it's a question of cutting my losses and running. Who wants a future with an adulterer, even if it happened just once? ? That he/she has been loyal for a while does not earn any brownie points, IT IS EXPECTED and in fact REQUIRED!!!. There's no excuse for adultery and IMO, its the one blow that can deal instant death to a marriage relationship, no matter how long the marriage has been in existence. Now whether or not this makes sense to you is irrelevant. It's reality. Ask Donald Trump wrt Ivana or a host of others whose marriages suddenly hit the rocks because of adultery |
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Donzman (m)
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Where did this law come about that you should only have sex with one partner anyway?, |
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Radiant (f)
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Donz, are you actually a dunce or you just acting it? |
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windywendy (f)
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OK now I see where you're coming from. Actually it's no law that you should only have sex with one partner. But do yourself a favor when you're getting married by ensuring that your partner also believes in having multiple sex partners. That way, you'll have no troubles at all in that regard. Afterall, as long as you both are happy, who cares what the rest of the world thinks?? |
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ThiefOfHearts (f)
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I think the adulterer deserves a chance especially if he/she has been loyal for a while!
or that they havent been caught all those years until now |
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