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ezinne1212 (f)
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why is it so hard to let go of someone, even though you know that the relationship is disastrous?
seriously people! my house mate is in a mess, and personally I can't take the crying and the fights any longer. Her main fear is of being alone, because she is so used to having him with her 24/7. He has told her he doesn't want her, but when he wants to leave, she begs him to come back. He doesn't care, she does everything for him. Its not my place to tell her to be strong, but exam's are coming up and its the same drama everytime. The difference is that now its her final year and mine to.
my wise nairland members, abeg I need help!
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Pinky (f)
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baby girl.. i feel so sorry for your house mate. i have been there once & i know its hard to let go sometimes.. your house mates probs re many,...
--she doesnt want to imagine herself being alone
--she is savoring her wonderful moments with him\
but look if she fails her exam because of a guy, she's going to hate herself......
T. D Jakes once said... u should know when its time to let go & u should let go at that time...
so u see...as much as we re humans especially ladies, we always let vanities posed by men get into us......
but please tell your pal to get a good grip of herself...& pray for he because prayer helps alot.....she doesnt know what God is doing so she should just trust him & pray...(its not easy ) life goes on without this her boyfriend o!!
God will bring her someone much more wonderful than this guy......she needs to stop begging him also, so his ego doesnt keep rising..
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Ra (f)
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The logic is this: if you don't drop the smelly rat you're holding, how are you going to receive the rose held out to you?
We've all been there and done that... it looks like the sun will never shine again, the dumb guy knows it and as most guys will, capitalises on it. It's called the fear of the unknown.
Maybe if your girl realises that this has been happening since the days of the Apes and that the situation is not peculiar to her or there's no such thing as ‘you guys don't understand'', she'll drop him like hot embers. There's nothing so complex in a situation where some nitwit wants you out of his life for reasons best known to him and he has no morals to go about it the right way.
She's 10 times better off without him. Quote me to her!
If she badly needs someone to give her a verbal shaking, let me know and I'll be too happy to send her my number or e-mail address, whichever suits her better.
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Ka (m)
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I'm afraid there's not a lot you can do in the way of talking to her to get her to take action, especially as she already knows what she should do. Sometimes, it's up to Madam Experience to open people's eyes to the wisdom of previously offered advice.
As for you, well I guess you just have to detach yourself from the whole mess and practice tough love to preserve your sanity. If she goes on and on about how things are, etc. calmly and patiently repeat that you've discussed this issue to death and there's nothing left to say, then go about your own business.
The 'calm' and 'patient' bit is very important - you may not want to talk to your room mate on this matter, but you don't want to completely shut her out by shouting at her in frustration. If you don't think you can do this, then leave the room or don't say anything.
She'll may end up calling you callous, etc. but the reality is that being receptive to her talk about this issue is just validating her behaviour and encouraging her to keep on believing that she has a future with the man.
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Seun (m)
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Ka,
The conclusion that there's nothing Ezinne can do to help is premature. I don't not like your line of thought at all. I do not like callous friends, and I don't like those who encourage others to be callous. There are better ways to help a friend than abandonment.
I have experienced friends who follow the principles you seem to be promoting, and if I meet them tommorrow I will happily throw hot sand on their smug, all-knowing faces.
Seun.
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ezinne1212 (f)
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Thank you Ka, i really needed that perspective. In a recent episode where she claimed he hit her and she came in crying, I was left at a loss. I didn't do anything apart from listen to her sob. I hate to say it, but I'm glad i didn't do anything, they are back to being cozy like it never happened. Tell me seun, if i had reacted how would i have faced them now? I honestly believe i would have been the fool in the end.
As a woman, I'D like to think there are boundaries as to how low you will stoop. I've convinced myself that most desperate actions are not done in the name of "love" but rather self preservation. God help us all~
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Seun (m)
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Sincerely I think there is no such thing as "true love" per se. When our relationships are working we say "it is true love", but when they are not working we say "lust" or "addiction" or "stupidity". The truth is that they are all more or less various doses of the same basic ingredients. In other words, almost all of us really don't know what we're doing, but if we're lucky and everything turns out well we think we know!  Ezinne, I am happy that Ka gave you the answer you wanted to hear. Have a lovely exam. |
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hotpikin (f)
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This probably has to do with her low self-esteem. I think she should pull herself together and let the guy go. I'm sure the guy's feeling really good with himself right now  Just tell the chic that she'll find a better boy. She's more than the rubbish she's putting herself through. |
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Ka (m)
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Ka,
The conclusion that there's nothing Ezinne can do to help is premature. Well, you've heard the story - the roommate knows what to do, she's just in deep denial. Perhaps one day you'll realise that sometimes, the only person that can save a person is the person him/herself. What would you suggest? I don't not like your line of thought at all. Fair enough - you don't have to. I do not like callous friends, and I don't like those who encourage others to be callous. There are better ways to help a friend than abandonment. You call it being callous - I call it being realistic. Perhaps the difference is that I've experienced a few of these scenarios myself, and so I know when to not to expend my energy on a lost cause. Anyhow, Ezinne just said that the friend was a roommate and not a friend. If she was a friend, I would add that Ezinne should tell her that she will support her and help her get over her lost love when she decided to do so, but for now she was helpless as only the friend could make that all important decision. I have experienced friends who follow the principles you seem to be promoting, and if I meet them tommorrow I will happily throw hot sand on their smug, all-knowing faces. Why? Do you expect someone to continue to be there for you even though you aren't taking their advice? |
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sade (f)
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I think your roomate is not really sure of her feelings. Is it love or lust? Is it true love or infatuation? These are the questions she needs to ask herself or you need to ask her.
If a guy says he's no more intrested in you then you should let go. It's only when you don't believe in yourself that you will start begging a guy not to go, or having a sense of insecurity. All she is doing is out of it because God forbid if anything shlould happen to her right now the guy will cope.
And for you, the friend, you can only do little because we are diferent people with different backgrounds and opinion. You are the one living with her and you know her better than us. So if she's the type that listens to instruction then you can talk to her but if she is the opposite then try to keep everything to yourself so she wont conclude you're just being jealous. Watch the way you approach her concerning it because it seems her love is blind meanwhile true love is never blind!
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bolasho (m)
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It's a pity that this happens to almost everybody.
It has happened to me too. I was almost killing myself because she left me for no reason - no fight, no argument, she didn't catch me with any other girl - so when it happened I was so shocked and I did everything to make her stay because I was so much addicted to her. But after like five (5) months I pull myself together and moved on and now here I am living a good life and enjoying myself.
I believe the problem really is we are most of the time addicted to the other sex and we can't imagine ourselves living withour her/him.
I will suggest you try talking to your housemate to try to face her exams for now. If she really wants the guy out of her life (that is, if she truly wants to do that) she should try leave the town after her exam. For example, she can go on a vacation. I believe this should work for her because it worked for me too (though I am a guy). It's easier for her because she's a lady and she will get admirers everyday.
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mosiate (f)
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it's happened to me before,then i really hate myself,i thought i could neevr be happy without him ,but most of the sad days i recall are when i was with him.
Tell your friend though it's not easy, but if she does not want to encounter more of what is encountering now she should give up.and please mind the way you approach this her issue else........
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Ka (m)
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OK, I mostly take back what I said.
While I still believe that there is a limit beyond which there is nothing that a person can do for another person, I believe that in this case there is possibly more that could be done to try to get the room mate in this instance to let go of the man, including really listening to the room mate to try and determine the emotional issues at play here, and offer suggestions that address these issues.[1]
[1] Copyright, Seun Osewa
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tayotina (f)
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Those of us who have been there know how it feels like to be in such a situation. It is hurting but then there is no need crying over spilt milk.
Ezinne1212, tell your house mate to pull herself together, draw closer to her God and try as much as possible to mingle with friends. Funny enough there is nothing you (ezinne1212) can do about it. She just have to let go.
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love4ever (f)
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because you love the person and the person loves you that is it
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Allenpowered (m)
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humans resist change...they cleave to the known...rather than the dark unknown, that is one of the reasons it is so hard to let go
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Pinky (f)
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humans resist change...they cleave to the known...rather than the dark unknown, that is one of the reasons it is so hard to let go
allen i couldnt agree less with u.. u are so right |
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Angelgal (f)
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There's no way I can last where I am not wanted....haba!  No use clinging to the guy when he wants to be free. Please Ezinne tell your friend to pull herself togther and study for her exams! She is in her final year (according to you) If she ends up having an extra year for this dude who may be well on his way to charting a better future for himself, she will hate herself for it. Enough said biko! |
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mosiate (f)
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humans resist change...they cleave to the known...rather than the dark unknown, that is one of the reasons it is so hard to let go
oro agba(words of wisdom),allen, fist time you sound so serious,keep it up it's good. |
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Greatpeter (m)
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It's cracy experiencing this type of thing. I don't believe it.
Tell your room mate someone is here for her who will make her happy. Abi I lie?
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Seun (m)
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Greatpeter, you are getting close to what me and Ka are saying. When she lets the guy go and she's feeling lonely, will you be there for her? When she is terribly lonely missing his company, will you be around for her, or will you be in the company of your beau?
So if you're ready to be a really good friend to her she can be convinced to let him go. But it is possible that all you care about is that they should stop disturbing you. You need to care more than that to be able to make a difference!
The reason why letting go is so hard is that the devil you know appears better than the angel you don't. What is there to assure her that the next guy won't be worse?
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hot-angel (f)
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There's nothing you can really do to your friend than to go meet the asshole she's going with and tell him to stop messing with her. Tell him to either treat her right or GO FOREVER. IF the guy says she doesn't want him arround her, then she will come back to her senses. I understand you said the guy said that before, but there's a better way he can say it. He should kick HER OUT IN PUBLIC!!!!!!! Her sense will be back before she remembers her name. The guy is just using her and she is not using her life. Final year ain't no godamn joke. Pray for her, and talk to her.
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legry (m)
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Love is pain experience it and you would understand LOVE IS PAIN i feel so sorry for her but i think i can feel her emotions , The guy is using her and loving the attention and she is aspiring for something only she knows so she sticks there. People stop throwing things at her you have no idea whats she gong through, i think she needs a true friend a real and trully good friend who gradually would show the way. Thats my thought
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drbigdaddyg (m)
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[color=#006600]Ra (f)
Posts: 347
Offline
Re: Why is it so hard to let go?
« Reply #2 on: June 06, 2005, 06:01 PM »
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The logic is this: if you don't drop the smelly rat you're holding, how are you going to receive the rose held out to you?
We've all been there and done that... it looks like the sun will never shine again, the dumb guy knows it and as most guys will, capitalises on it. It's called the fear of the unknown.
Maybe if your girl realises that this has been happening since the days of the Apes and that the situation is not peculiar to her or there's no such thing as ‘you guys don't understand'', she'll drop him like hot embers. There's nothing so complex in a situation where some nitwit wants you out of his life for reasons best known to him and he has no morals to go about it the right way.
She's 10 times better off without him. Quote me to her!
If she badly needs someone to give her a verbal shaking, let me know and I'll be too happy to send her my number or e-mail address, whichever suits her better."
Please Ra, how can someone leave her without creating any pain in her, I mean, leaving her in the most mannered way? I still believe the guy must have good reasons for such act, maybe catching her with another guy which had caused her bluffs on him.
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tcherokee (m)
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there's really no excuse for a guy to put a girl through hell due to the fact that you know the girl loves you, unfortunately everybody exploits this knowledge over their partner, whether girl or guy especially if the person doesn't feel the same way. If you r tired then let the other person go, it may seem harsh at the moment but it is definately better than keeping the person in hell.
Unfortunately as regards your friend. She'll come to the realization that the guy is no good for her by herself. some people just like learning things the hard way.
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pkrix (m)
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Ezinne1212,
You might fret more if you were in your friends shoes and if you have attained the level of love she has with this guy.
A lost love is likened to a dead love. When somebody u love dies, u see them no more; also when someone you love goes away, you c them no more. It's painful. Agree with her that it's painful, then after she had may be cried for a prolonged time, console her and tell her it is inevitable. Tell her better things lie ahead.
She feels her lover, whom I believe she cheerished his company more than her most loved relative, is non-existent. By not seeing him no more.
If you think she shouldn't be sad and weep if it needs be, then you will also think that if she loses someone, I mean a loved one, she should jump up and touch the ceiling and then complement the jubilation with a break dance.
It is inevitable for everybody to feel pain at such happenings but all you need to let her know is this:
God has blessed her that it happened when she still has the opportunity to get another fella much more better.
So, she has the right to be sad and moody. But I pray she forgets about him because the guy is not worth the whole stress after all.
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Rhodalyn (f)
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that is sad it's obvious your friend is hurting al da best  |
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cheekee (f)
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love,love,love,love *shakes head and walks away*
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Rhodalyn (f)
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unshake your head n come back [i][/i] |
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GLORY 2007 (f)
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i guess time is a great healer of sorts.
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Bblak (f)
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you will never understand how aching it is to lose love until it happens.
quite understand what your housemate is going true but like so many people in the house had given their candid advice, i suggest u try and talk things out with her and encourage her to move on.
i know it's not easy but she got to forget about the nincompoop that is just using her and move on with her life.let her know that getting so depressed at d time of her final exams will only make her cry out blood when she eventually fail the exams all because of a nobody.
A word they say is enough for the wise.
move on girl and be happy.gdluck
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Macutie (f)
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Dont get tired of helping her girl,
she needs u,
women with low self esteem usually hang on to no good men because they feel they cannot find anyone that would show that little bit of love
In their desperation to stick to the closest form of love they can find, they end up making mistakes and winding up with the wrong fellas
Dont say u cannot tell her to be strong!
of cause u can! Tell her stories that would make her think!
Make her see his faults
He doesnt love her, he wont marry her!
he is just there out of duty or obligation!
He'l probably just shut down one day and leave her!
He's probably holding on right now out of pity or maybe he's getting something off her
and you know how dangerous that is don't u?
If you care bout her half as much as i think u do, you wont let her keep killing herself like this
If she fails, he probably wont be bothered!
You are all she's got aside herself!
What are u going to do?
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