Nigerian Men & African-American Women

@Akinagirl
I hope I understand your question -- when a person comes to the US they sometimes, sometimes, have the option of picking their birthdate and/or birth year for a variety of reasons. I don't know that this is common now but I know people who did it in the the '80s. Your dude might've told you the age on his papers rather than get into a long potentially embarrassing explanation. It might not be the type of thing someone says to strangers etc. Like CatCat said sometimes details are important, sometimes not. Lies are never good though. Why not look at his ID to see his b-day. If it makes him 27 then no matter how he looks I think you should take his word for it until you know him well enough to bring up the issue (unless that is now). If it makes him not 27 for any reason. . .

How to see his ID? Just ask. When ya'll are out to eat, driving, at a grocery store say look at my goofy pic, where's yours? You're his girlfriend so it shouldn't be too hard to see the ID IMO.

Best Wishes~

Since men started liking whips & handcuffs . . .like you don't know. . .

You know, I've dated a few African American men (about 3) -- I'm Nigerian.  None of these men have been anything to write home about -- they've all lied, cheated, and had absolutely no concept of a male's responsibility and a man's duty to provide -- i mean zero. 

I was once in a car with an African American guy, we had been dating for about five weeks.  On the way to the restaurant (about five minutes from his apt.), he stated that he had forgotten his wallet at home.  But he kept on driving to the restaurant.  I looked at him and asked where the hell he thought he ws going, and that he needed to turn around, go back home and collect his wallet before we continued for the restaurant.  Can you imagine??? 

In any case, just becuse the three I dated turned out to irresponsible does not mean every African American guy out there is irresponsible or that irresposibility is part of African American culture (yes, I know many nigerians really do think African Americans are, as a group, irresponsible).  So to all the American women who are wondering whether it is Nigerian culture to have a man give you a kiss at your doorstep(huh??)-- please don't extend your negative experiences to the entire Nigerian community.  Nigerian men are hardworking, good providers, and are loving.  Some are chauvinist and cheaters -- just like some white american men and some black american men. 

Can you imagine if people thought that just because Scott Peterson killed his wife and cheated on her, that it is American culture to use, abuse and kill women?  Or if people thought that just becuse Hugh Heffner has hundreds of intellectually challenged women at his beck and call all at the same time, that American culture embraces treating women like pieces of commodities to be bought by fancy things, because women are only good for looking pretty?  So why would anyone assume that ugly traits in an individual mean ugly traits for all men in the comunity?

For all those who think West African women are lorded over by their men -- please take a trip to west africa and see the amount of control west african women wield over their families.  African women have always been strong and able to command and demand respect.  This is not to say African women won't submit to their husband.  But submitting to their husbands does not mean that their husbands treat them like dirt.

I consistently date Nigerian men and am yet to date one that had Lorded or menaced over me.  Maybe you women need to check the men you are attracting.

In any case, Nigerian or no Nigerian, whenever a man starts treating you in a way that is uncomfortable for you and you have told him about it and he has not changed -- it's time to relocate yourself.

Mamaput,

Come now.  We are both grown women, each entitled to her opinion.  I stand by my statement.

Off-topic but,

Embassy officers tend to be averse to giving younger people visas in the belief that they have fewer ties and are less likely to return home. It is sometimes in the applicants interest to appear older hence the reason to boost your age. Wouldn't apply in this case since you feel he's done the reverse.

Wow. I just finished reading this thread and I have mixed emotions about what I just read. To the African Americans on here, for every horror story you have about Nigerian men, there are horror stories for Nigerian women dating AA men.

I have to say, to Big Sis, get over it. Just because you made an error in judgement about who you got involved with doesn't mean that you should start blaming your issues on Nigerians. Its one thing to have been hurt by a Nigerian but when you start bringing up crap about don't take advice from Nigerian women that is when I get annoyed. Do you know how many backstabbing AA girls I've met?

Trust me, if I were to make a thread about how AA men treat WOMEN in general there'd be a 40 page thread going on here.

Fact of life : a large majority of MEN cheat, steal, lie etc,  If you continue to notice this in men that you date its time for you to look in the mirror and figure out what the hell is wrong with YOU.

I've dated a tanzanian, nigerian and black american guy and they were all good people. its all about who you choose. If a guy is selling you a story that doesn't add up and you still go along with things, then that is your freakin fault.

Bottomline, quit making generalizations, 

From what I have observed been here, I think the Naija guy tend to treat the AA ladies better than they would the nigerian lady. I have this guy, let's go get something outside, he will say, i don't have money, the fact that i love cooking, very rarely ate out, and he loves home food which am really good at, just once let's go out there and eat, i don't have money, we would go shopping, and he would say, I don't have money. We went for foodstuff sometime ago, I had it in mind to pick what I needed and pay for them. So i told him am going to get his favorite drink, he was saying i don't have money i thot u came for just 2 things,  he added oh this things you got is up to 40 bucks, i was like well, it's for the week common, and even they aren't up to 40, i ended up paying 25 bucks for the stuffs. Funny enough, all the stuffs i got he ended up wacking them, lol, it's funny to me, if it were like an AA girl, am sure he wouldn't say ''i don't have money oo'' 

All the same, naija guys tend to treat AA ladies well. So sisters, keep this in mind and try to be outspoken!

@ethioangel:

SORRY HUN, BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE ETHIOPIAN DOES NOT MAKE YOU BETTER OR SMARTER. I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT ETHIOPIANS DONT CONSIDER THEMSELVES AFRICAN BUT THEY/YOU ARE SO MY ADVISE TO YOU IS TO GET OVEr IT, HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU AND IF HE'S GETTING  SOME TYPE OF NEGATIVE VIBE FROM YOU THAT YOURE SO SUPERIOR HE WILL LEAVE YOU FOR GOOD!!!

CatCat,

Everybody is just giving their opinion.  I have lived and socialized with Nigerians, particularly men, in Nigeria.  So I have a host of experiences and observations.     When I am in Nigeria I am isolated from my own people.  I don't know any Black Americans to socialized with.  Therefore, I am completely immersed in that socieity.  I know what I am talkin' about.  There are alot of bizarre cultural practices that are abusive and exploitative.  So don't buy the hype.

Nigerians have this code of silence among them.  YOu could be heading to bush where the hyneas and lions are in wait, most of them want even warn you to take another route.  Why ?They don't want outsiders to know their dirt.  I am outside. I know the dirt.

You have the wrong one. He isn't going to get better.  Now you make luck up on a good one.  But this man is not a keeper, unless you want to abused and disregarded.  He doesn't take you seriously.  But I know you know that by now.

I don't care if any of y'all like what I say.  I am going to school any woman who wants to know.

They are known for that , that they rather classify themselves as Arabs.
If you listen very well the way they talk (even if they call them selves Africans) you will hear an under tone of _{you people and we people}.
Generally they do not inter marry their family will disown them .And even if not, the community will .

OIC now. Says 27, looks older. Yea don't know what more to tell ya. Best wishes though.

Bytheway, Chinina,  thanks for sticking up for me,  and the fellow Eri/Ethios that do consider themselves Africans.

For the one that wrote the essay on generalizations,  You GO GIRL!

No way you can speak for a community as a whole,  there are all ways exceptions,

I never knew Ethiopians considered themselves as Arab non africans!  I lived with several ethiopians at university and they would get consistently offended when I and my other African friends would consider ourselves "more african" than they.  Besides, aren't Ethiopians the posterboard for one of the most stereotypical African problems -- i.e., starvation??

Anyway, back to the issue at hand.  To BigSis who categorically states that there are a lot of abusive and exploitive nigerian practices -- nobody disagress with you.  But at the same time, please show me a culture that does not have abusive and exploitive practices?  

What about American culture?  What about the imposition of a one standard fits all ideal for American women that consistently marginalizes, opresses, and creates psychological issues for women who don't and could never fit the ideal -- i.e, African American women.  HAs anyone seen a more damaged and self-hating people than Black Americans?  Yet, Black Americans are the product of an American culture complete with the most brainwashing agent ever known to the entire humanity -- the American media.  If you've ever wondered how it is possible to keep 280 plus million people completely brainwashed and lacking any ability to properly critique themselves --- ask the American media.

Can you tell me it isn't expolitve and oppressive to have a culture that drives young women into eating disorders just so they can be 100 pounds?  Or that drives women to undergo all manners of incissions in order to pump foreign substances  (i.e, silicone) in their breast just so they can fit an abnormal breast ideal?  If you want to talk about oppressive practices -- please begin with your own.

By the way, just because you find a practice disagreeable does not mean it is in fact exploitive or oppressive.  Nigerians may have a way of conducting male/female relationships that is different from what Americans or ethiopians are used to.  Just like ethiopians and Americans may have ways of doing things that is different from what Nigerians are used to.  

As far as men lying and cheating -- All you need to do is pick up an American newspaper and you will read the horrible things American men do on a consistent basis to American women/ and others.  But the fact is that everybody has good enough sense not to extend their behavior to the entire American male population.

Finally, if you are having issues with Nigerian men and have concluded that the issues are a product of their culture, then be a bit more discriminating in choosing a mate.  Simply ignore the Nigerians that come your way and find someone whose culture is consistent with yours.  But don't sit in the relationship and accept what you consider as abuse and then come running to message boards to spill silly and oversensationalized nonsense about Nigerian men, women and their cultures.  

If you are not pleased, leave the relationship alone.

Sorry for the essay ooo.  I just had a lot to say.

@vostel

HOW DARE YOU GENERALIZE AND CRITICIZE A SOCIETY THAT YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT. WHAT ABOUT YOUR SOCIETY WHERE THE WOMEN CAN NOT ENJOY SEXUAL PLEASURE EVEN SOME DYING BECAUSE THEIR GENITALS ARE BEING CUT OFF/MUTILATED. YES CUT OFF WITH NO ANESTHESIA BEING ADMINISTERED TO THEM. THEY SPEND THE REST OF THEIR LIVES IN PAIN, UNABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN, DYING,  OH WHAT A INFAMY!!!!!!

WHAT COUNTRY HAS THE HIGHEST RATE OF THE AIDS EPIDEMIC? AFRICA
WHAT COUNTRY HAS THE HIGHEST NUMBER OF ORPHANS BECAUSE THEIR PARENTS DIED FROM AIDS?AFRICA.
WHERE DO MEN HAVE SEX WITH INFANTS AND THINK THEY'LL BE CURED OF AIDS? AFRICA

TRUTH IS, ALL SOCIETIES HAVE THEIR DRAWBACKS.

NOUGH SAID,
JESSILINA

Jessilina,

I have lived in the United States for over 13 years now, and know very much about American culture.  I participate in and in many ways associate with African Americans here -- that's in response to your gyrating yell about "how dare I" say anythign about American culture.  Also, notice the irony in your statement.  i should let you citicize my people because you know about us, but God forbid that I criticize you because I could not possibly know about you correct?  How did you come to know so much about Nigeria?  

In any case, your response is a typical American response -- no logical cohesion in your response, lack of any ability to look inwardly at your own cultures and issues; lack of any ability to comprehend, let alone take some useful criticisim.  I never said African countries were perfect or that there weren't cultural deficiencies.  There are, we all agree.  But American -- in fact African Americans- specifically have many many many many cultural problems as well.  Before you point fingers at us across the atlantic, please remove the speck in your eyes.  And yes, many Americans -- in fact, almost all that I have met --don' know how to think for themselves or critically look at issues.  They jump on bandwagons and follow the lead of the media -- who by the way is often wrong.

Your response also betrays a very common American steretype -- you know nothing about geography, yet you want to dictate to everybody else what their standards should be, when in fact you don't know the first things about the peple you are dictating to.  Just another form cultural imperialism.  

My dear, Africa is a continent comprised of fifty something plus countries.  Not a country.    So which country has the highest Aids rate?  Botstwana.  Not Africa -- Africa is not a country, and certainly not Nigeria.  Many countries in Africa are also amongst the lowest Aids rates in the world.  Look up the AIDS rate for Senegal, Mali, Liberia.

There was a recent article in the washington post on April 6, 2006 about  how the UNAIDS is refiguring the AIDS rate in African countries because (as we Africans always knew) they had overstated it for decades.  They used the rate for pregant and sexually active women as a proxy for women in villages etc.  it turns out that the aids rate for the rest of the continent, besides five southern African countries is only in the single digits, not the double digits.  Under the old rate, Nigeria was 5% Aids rate -- it is going to be lower under the new rate.  

By the way, that 5% rate  that is now attributed to Nigeria is lower than the AIDS rate for African Americans.  Aids is the number one killer of African American women between the ages of 25 and 44 --  the AIDS rate in African Americans between that age group is closer to what you see in Botswana and South Africa.   Again, please correct the speck in your eye before pointing to the speck in another person's eyes -- especially since you have no conception of the facts.  If you think I am lying about AIDS in black america -- google the issue and then come tell us what you find.

As for female circumcision -- I think it is a bad practice and may even be oppresive.  I also think women who become anorexic in western culture do so out of societal pressures as well and that it is equally bad if not worse than female circumcision.  I also think the way women are portrayed like pieces of meat in black american music videos is oppressive and backwards.  
As for your accusations that in my society (I'm assuming you mean Nigeria and not Africa, a continent of over 800 million people) women suffer in pain becuase of female circumcision -- please tell me how you know that.  I have never ever heard of a woman in Nigeria suffering in pain and unable to enjoy sex because of female circumcision. Also provide me with the rate of circumcised women in Nigeria -- you seem to be an expert on this issue -- and the rate of how many are dying from circumcision as you claim.  Again, only what is happening in Nigeria -- not in other African countries.  Or are you still unable to distinguish between geographical boundaries in Africa?

You should read a little more about Africa before you run to message boards to post nonsense that only reinforces your ignorance.

for irritation factor, let me play the same game you were teaching me in your earlier post:

Which country has the highest rate of unmarried teenages with babies by different fathers?  United States (notice i didn't say North America???)
Which country has rate of people suffering from depression (at least that is something we do not suffer of in Nigeria) -- United States of America.  Why should people suffer from depression in the wealthiest country in the world?

I work in downtown Los Angeles, and everyday, I go to work I am greeted by a swarm of homeless black Americans begging for food, looking like they just came out of a pit -- talk about societal inequalities right?

So should I tell you that I already know what your response will be?  'Well if you don't like it, why don't you leave?"  Prove me wrong.

Whoa, I see temperatures are running high. In defense of Vostel let me say that she was pointing out how insane it is to condemn a society/country b/c of "exploitations". Her point was that "exploitations" and misdeeds occur in every country on Earth. She was not throwing America under the bus folks.

Take a breather. Have some chai tea. All is well. _{Or still unwell in the world. . .}

Africa is a continent. Do not make that mistake in public. People will laugh at you _{a la Adam Sandler.}

Whenever people want to showcase their ignorance about Africa they cry AIDS, not b/c they are reformers or sympathizers but as an attempt to assert their superiority & cleanliness beside the filthy Africans. In such dialogues, "African" is a pejorative. Also, HIV/AIDS needn't be contracted in an "abusive" way, nor is its presence proof of "abuse". You mean to making a superiority claim in your latter post that I can't quite grasp. Jessilina I am not calling you ignorant only saying that such comments are usually (95%) made by ignorant people.

Funny thing is this exchange is indicative of the problem between American (black or white) & African (Naija or not) relationships (sexual or not). The problem is that each party tries not to discriminate but the moment one party thinks an offense as been committed -- he/she may be wrong -- it suddenly becomes ok to shit on each other.

Jessilina, would it be ok for a white person to call you [insert the racial slur of choice] if you offended him/her? Then why is ok for you to yell AIDS?

Abeg, so we are filthy, but you are clean?

@CatCat
Vostel said:
Vostel clearly acknowledged that there were "abusive and exploitive Nigerian practices". She went on to state that this is seen in every county & then used America as an example.

Also when women were still lobbying for voting rights in Europe & America (1920s), some women had voting rights, power, and agency in Nigeria. It may not be like the American system but try and see it from a non-ethnocentric p.o.v. (Not trying to talk down to you, I promise!) Look up the Aba Women's Riot (also called The Women's War) and you'll see what I'm talking about.

I had to go to a graduate students' thesis presentation once. One young lady presented a paper about colonialism in South Asia. She pointed out that t/out the "colonized" world (specifically South Asia & Africa), the power of women was used as evidence of inferior masculinity & intellectual capabilities of the "colonized" male population. So it can be argued that the presence of what-are-now Western ideals/forces is congruent w/ the loss of women's rights/power seen in the later 20th c. in these places.

In conclusion, we women are on the march for equal rights, not just in America or Naija but in the world. Let's not bring ourselves down or shame each other by debating who has the better Massa. Feel me?