~Welcome To My World of Emotions~

Ever so often,i bump into an old friend who'd ask "how's your dad?" with an aching heart i'll ave to tell em "me dad passed away" there's always that shock initially then the "am so soory to hear that" Its fast approaching  the fifth year since me dad passed away yet every time i get to answer that question,the emotion that creeps up with it, is unbearable,i thought as the years pass by~the grief will be less~how wrong i was ! the thought of sensing that loss,endless tears i cry,doesnt ease the pain  i feel,i ave a bunch of mixed emotions dealin with this grief,i honestly think i never did give meslef time to grief when dad passed away,i'd just had a baby ~ he never did get to meet ~his first grandchild ~i cried for days on end,but i had a newborn baby to look after so i gave my all to my baby selflessly~my dad's death was the first of two more visits from death! i didnt realise how much of a wreck i was emotionally till me baby neice died last year,she was only four months,that devastated me,i cudnt get off me bed to do anything at all,i slipped into a depressed state of mind,my insomnia got worse,i just cudnt sleep,it all hit home how i hadnt really dealt with the death of my dad,i carried the world on my shoulders for weeks without end~i was like a zombie~i did what i had to do physically but my mind had dangling threads of grief,pain,crying didnt help,i still felt rotten,the pain didnt go away,i think my mistake was not to talk to anyone about how much me dad's death affected me,so when my neice died,i had what my GP called "delayed reaction of grief"i didnt want people feelin soory for me,i thought i was dealin with grief the only way i knw how,numb the pain with a smile~a laff ~ i had slowly come to the realisation expressing how i felt was very relevant with me dealin with death,me cousin commitin suicide didnt help either~it however snapped me out of a state of misery,somehow misery has become my best friend and i was letting the memories that make these people so so special gloomy with wuts evitable in life ~DEATH~!!!

Am never goona stop missin me dad~me neice ~me cousin but i ave realised there are days when i'd cry and days when i'll think of them as they were on earth happy,i'd appreciate hearing a song that triggers off a memory~nevertheless its a process i know only with God's guidance, will i get to understand the essence of life and death~am however very grateful i had a dad like mine~a neice i adored and a cousin who are all irreplaceable! i feel blessed to ave had them in my life and all the life's of other people they touched ~ i can only pray as the years roll by,i'll learn to celebrate their lives! Every breath i take is a constant reminder to me to appreciate the people in my life~ to live my life  MY WAY ~i feel its important for me to know regardless of what life throws at me,i can always look for the good in it,chances are i will find it,i read somewhere"Nuthin in the world created our misery~its was our response~our own state of consciousness that created the ugliness" I love you with a heart that never dies dad and i know your grandchild is w/you~i miss you guys~this is my ode to you as i break my silence grief~love you lots xoxo

~Reading over my posts,i realise just how down N out i was a year ago,Noow a year on,i can only say how thankful i am first of all to God for giving me the strength to pull through all my depressed emotions!!

~I suppose this journal makes me reflect on how far ave come from where i was mentally,am very much at peace w/ myself!!

~Going back home on my Father's 5th Anniversary since he passed lifted a ton off my shoulders,it really did feel like i was carryin the world around my shoulders!!!

~It was quite an emotional experience,I had no idea where my Dada's grave was,i cud feel my heart beat louder in my ears as i approached the cemetry,there were already a couple of helpful workers @ the cemetry who were willing to help me locate where the grave was,as i followed them through endless headstones N graves,it seemed the walk will never end,after more questions/enquries of who my dada was,we finally found the grave,full brush of flowers,weeds covered it completely,in a blur of tears already gushing through my big ole sunglasses i watched as the workers rooted out the brush,i was shaking w/ mixed emotions,it was finally a reality,i knew beneath that grave lay a great man,terribly missed!!!

~I crouched at the foot of the grave,my palm outstretched on top of his grave,as i run my fingers through his name,almost willing him to come back to life if even for just one sec.i was oblivious to the group of people now gathered behind me,they'd prolly figured am a "JC" ie "Just Cam" a local term given to peeps who go back home,people wont even give you a chance to grief if they know they can make a buck off you!!

~I was aware of mumbles of encouragement as i cried N someone mentioned i should say a prayer,you'd think saying a prayer is free right,NOT!!! i wasnt too surprised that there was already a man ready N available to say Al fatiha,But i must first give him some money to do so,don't know if thats the custom,my father was a prominent memeber of his mosque N A Practicing Moslem so i thought it only fair i'd overlook the eagerness / prompt for me to do so mainly because of the money N had it done,after which i asked them if i cud be left alone for a while!!

~Regardless of religious beliefs,i just spoke to my father,told him how much ave missed him N wanted to come home to see him N hoped now i can be at peace knowing i ave fullfilled my promise,i ave no idea how long i sat crouched at that grave,i felt like a butterfly fully grown but cudnt fly,i cried some,smiled some as i recalled memories,i  was only too aware i ave a group of people waiting on me like,it was inevitable these people were expecting some money of me,so they let me be till i well n ready to leave!!

~I asked the cemetry workers/keepers to tidy up the grave,made enquires about things i wanted done before the Anniversary,they were only to eager to comply,aaah the smell of money

~Soo it was the 2 June,On a Saturday,exactly Five years to the day,ave had some flour N sugar mixture {Fooraa}made w/ kolanut according to the tradition to take w/ me to the gravesite,On Friday i'd gone to my Dada local mosque as they offered special prayers for him N his family,it was another somber moment for me as well as i remebered going to pray w/ my dad on Eid,i never practiced the religion,but it always made my dada so proud i showed interest N followed him,he'd always buy me the most beautiful attires on the occassion too,that was fun!!

~Ave finally laid to rest my unsettled emotions about my father's death,i feel soOoo much at peace N i know he's Resting In Peace too!!!