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aisha2 (f)
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WHO SHOULD I MARRY?
I have a boyfriend i have been going out with since we were kids. Right now we are both working and he has started talking about marriage. The problem is that we are almost the same age and i feel that makes him behave the way he does. He cheats on me indiscriminately even though he has a lot of good attributes. But now i feel he is more mature and is sincerly rerady to settle down.
However, while were having our on and off relationship some years ago, i met a guy about four years ago who has really been a blessing to me. He has been so good to me that i can't imagine spending a day of my life without him. But the main problem is that we practice different religions. People who know this guy advice me to marry him because its so obvious that we love each other, some adviced me to overlook the religion issue but i know my parents would be opposed to our union.
Now both of them are talking about getting married, my first boyfriend has my family's consent and we practice the same faith, i have a lot of doubts about him but he seems to have changed or rather is trying hard to make the relationship work.The second guy i would marry today if only we are the same religion. I don't want to hurt anyone especially the second guy because he has really been good to me.
I have to make a decision very soon i need urgent help please.
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ThiefOfHearts (f)
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Should have left the first one long time ago when he was cheating when he was WITH you, he didnt respect you enough to stop then yet now he wants to have you go through the same in married life.
As for the 2nd, i don't know, religious differences is quite a big thing in my opinion. No one can really tell you what you should do concerning that, it's all about what you can take on. .more than likely the 2nd dude's people will try to make you convert to his religion, two of my aunts had to do the same.
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Bigjay (m)
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Abeg don't mind any of them, marry me instead.
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earthrealm (m)
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marry neither, give them more time,
religion is too big an issue to overlook in marriage!!!
take ur time, the right guy will come!!
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laudate
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WHO SHOULD I MARRY
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Now both of them are talking about getting married, my first boyfriend has my family's consent and we practice the same faith, i have a lot of doubts about him but he seems to have changed or rather is trying hard to make the relationship work.The second guy i would marry today if only we are the same religion. I don't want to hurt anyone especially the second guy because he has really been good to me.
I have to make a decision very soon i need urgent help please.
Hmmn, tough question. First, send the 1st guy packing. A leopard does not change its spots. Secondly, who do you love most? The 2nd guy, right? Are you comfortable with his religion? Are you willing to change your own religion, to adopt his own? What really is it about him that you love? The reason is that, your religion is expected to affect your lifestyle, your perspective, your values, thoughts & actions. It governs them. Sit down & think really hard. Will you still love him in the next five, ten or twenty years, the way you love him now? You need to open up. Search your heart & think it through. If all you love about him, is the fact that he has been so helpful, then you need to think again. Another guy might come who would probably be more helpful to you, so how would you react then? Is your love based on the help he has rendered so far? Does he feel exactly the same way about you, that you feel about him? Can he withstand pressure, if you both decide to press ahead to get married? Storms will come, but it is only a relationship based on a solid foundation of love, trust, respect, sincerity etc. that will last. |
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Seun (m)
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Get to know the second guy more, then school yourself in religious tolerance. If that works, marry him. If you are not a religious 'bigot' or fundamentalist, you will be happy with the second guy. Otherwise, you won't. The first guy is out of the question because, as someone has said, a leopard never changes its spots. If you cannot accept your partner the way he is, marriage won't work. If he works uncharacteristically hard on the relationship just to get a ring on your finger, then of course he'll relax after you are married. Try to break up amicably.  |
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davidylan (m)
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Marry neither.
First guy - He cheated on you, that is enough reason to wonder why he is even still in the equation if you are serious about getting married. It is very difficult to break a relationship that started when you both were very young but sometimes its the right thing to do. Leave him alone, marrying him because you both are of the same religion makes no sense. You wont be worshipping every minute of married life.
Second guy - Religion never matters now when the brain is not engaged, the heart is in over drive and we are "blinded" by love. When the clouds clear then you'D be faced with a lifetime of religious differences you never bargained for. Think of your children.
My sincere advice. Find another guy to marry.
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mazaje (m)
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Marry neither.
First guy - He cheated on you, that is enough reason to wonder why he is even still in the equation if you are serious about getting married. It is very difficult to break a relationship that started when you both were very young but sometimes its the right thing to do. Leave him alone, marrying him because you both are of the same religion makes no sense. You wont be worshipping every minute of married life.
Second guy - Religion never matters now when the brain is not engaged, the heart is in over drive and we are "blinded" by love. When the clouds clear then you'D be faced with a lifetime of religious differences you never bargained for. Think of your children.
My sincere advice. Find another guy to marry You have said it all. |
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Seun (m)
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@davidylan: are you saying that an atheist like me would have to import a wife, since all Nigerian women are either Christians or Muslims? If so, shame on Nigeria. What if your spouse changes his/her religion after marriage?
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Radiant (f)
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Umm. . Religion matters a lot! Even among Christians, it could be a problem let alone other religion. An Anglican will find it difficult to marry a catholic and vice versa. A pentecostal will not marry a catholic and so on. . If you're talking about a Christain marrying a Muslim, ermmthat sounds even more scary these days with all the madness around the world.(No hard feelings to anyone, please  ) Seriously, being that I'm a strong Christian, if I were in your shoes, I won't marry outside my religion. I value my GOD and I'll prefer to worship my GOD and not another! Prevention has always been better than cure and obedience, better than sacrifice!As for the first guy, he's not to be discussed at all. He's a lost case. I hope you make the right decision.Take care |
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Radiant (f)
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@davidylan: are you saying that an atheist like me would have to import a wife, since all Nigerian women are either Christians or Muslims? If so, shame on Nigeria. What if your spouse changes his/her religion after marriage?
Seun, what if your ideal wife is a Hindu? And you're an "atheist"? |
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LadyT (f)
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If the second guy is a strict muslim or Christain forget it. Even if he says your religion is ok. His family may not like it and start causing drama. When you have kids there may be an issuse of what religion will they follow.
As for the first loser fool you once shame on him fool you twice shame on you.
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Seun (m)
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@Radiant: exactly. we need to be allowed to marry people whose religions are not the same as ours!  |
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breeolan (f)
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@davidylan: are you saying that an atheist like me would have to import a wife, since all Nigerian women are either Christians or Muslims? If so, shame on Nigeria. What if your spouse changes his/her religion after marriage?
well, religion is too wide to be over looked by what WE call love, i knw a couple that got married some years back and dey are having issues now concerning der difference in religion, its not advisable to marry some one of a different religion or be prepared to fight war from d day1 of the marriage to the end, |
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Roscodaddy (m)
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Women,una nor go stop this una work,only you and two guys,na wah,well on a more serious note, give the first one a chance, because he cheated should not be enough reason for you to throw him out.Go back and reason it out, this is you wrote about the first guy, I have a boyfriend i have been going out with since we were kids. Right now we are both working and he has started talking about marriage. The problem is that we are almost the same age and i feel that makes him behave the way he does. He cheats on me indiscriminately even though he has a lot of good attributes. But now i feel he is more mature and is sincerly rerady to settle down. |
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ThiefOfHearts (f)
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^ a chance for what? It didnt happen once, happened many times. He should be eradicated from the damn equation
Seun, Radiant would like for you to check your email
Thanks.
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white`Nkem (f)
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Now girl, as 90% of the posters above have already told you, the first guy is a no-no if you love yourself and you have self-respect (which I am sure you do). Once a cheater, always a cheater! Don't deceive yourself and don't feel that having spent all your youth next to him ties you for life (not yet dearie!).
The second guy: here comes the tough part. How important is religion to you? How close are you to your family? because no matter the guy, the blood will not turn into water and if your family is totally against this guy, you'll have endless fights that'll cause you so much sorrow! Then how big are the religion differences? (because if catholic-protestant then it's not such a big deal; but if muslim-hindu, then you got an issue!). Is there any slight chance for him to convert to your religion (depending on how much emphasis he puts on the religion too)? Now are you 100% you love this guy to the bone?
When you talk marriage, you don't think twice, you think a thousand times!! But the real thing now is that you shouldn't be asking us which man you should pick to spend the rest of your life with!! When coming to such things, you should have NO hesitation. If the second one is really the love of your life then why this thread in the 1st place? And see, you are the only person to answer all these questions.
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davidylan (m)
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@davidylan: are you saying that an atheist like me would have to import a wife, since all Nigerian women are either Christians or Muslims? If so, shame on Nigeria. What if your spouse changes his/her religion after marriage?
Seun, there are atheist women like you too. Infact i know one who is a good friend. She has everything i would want in a woman save for one thing. . . she does not see any use for a man like Jesus. I carry my leg commot kia kia! If your spouse will change her religion after marriage you should have read the signs long ago. |
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cute-ass (f)
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@ aisha2/threadyou've gotten some very good responses so far. I kind of go with what davidylan said, it does seem as if your prince-chariming hasn't landed from his horse yet, he might still be on his way second guylike most people have said, religion is a very important thing and not something to be thrown aside just like that because it might later come back to haunt you and it kindof seems as if what you can't live without is his generousity and kindness towards you do you love him?? enough to stand thick and thin, because believe me they'll come. And it is a survival of the fittest one of my best friends turned down a proposal from a guy who would give up his life for her because of religious differences 
her thought were, how does this affect our social lives?, he respects sturdays and she sundays, what will be of their kids?, there will always be a split in the family as long as religion is concerned, and what will it feel like doing those things she knew his religion didn't appreciate like wearing earrings, drinking alcohol?
will the family they create be strong/united enough to tackle it??there is an option of changing religion, but at the long run is the person still happy with the decision, who amongst you will be the one to call up his/her religion?
my grandmum told the guy that came to marry my aunt he had to change from [i]catholic to anglican before she could/would give him her daughter's hand in marriage. yea in the beginning the love is so intense so he changed belief. now both of them are christians, but did it work out?? no "my uncle" left my aunt for a catholic lady some years later and even changed back to his former belief but everybody has a different destiny? it might work out for you??first guyi don't actually totally agree with some people here, i do believe someone can change, because we all are born with some bad in us and just like a good person could suddenly change for the worse, is the same way a bad person can change for the betterits rare, yes, but it does happen and who knows who it would be?? your boyfriend?? noone knows for surebut like white'nkem said, marriage shouldn't come with any hesitations, it just strikes you that "this is th one"
my opinion is: give yourself some time, to think things over. maybe tomorrow you'll run into "him" (your prince-charming) either way; i wish you best of luck, and God's guidance in your decision 
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abdkabir (m)
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Good One @ White N'Kem . Little addition: There's still a , lets say (10%) probability Boy A might really be ready to be faithful, but its really tight. The issue is even if he were faithful , do u love him, if u do , i guess u being a lady should know ways of testing his faithfulness. As 4 Boy B, it could be freaking, stupidly, nackingly painful @ times when u love someone from the other faith. Pardon my use of word, i guess i took it personal End Story:If you are spiritual, why not Pray ,Ask for Gods Guidance, If you are a muslim as i suspect please explore Istikhara, its a means of asking for Gods Guidance on important personal Issues. Good Luck |
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babyosisi (f)
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End Story:If you are spiritual, why not Pray ,Ask for Gods Guidance, If you are a muslim as i suspect please explore [i]Istikhara[/i], its a means of asking for Gods Guidance on important personal Issues. Good Luck Hmm abeg no advice am make e go see babalawo!! The demons will be tough to cast out when time comes  |
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sweetchick (f)
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Drop the Guy No 1 like a hot potato. Don't even think twice
As for Guy No 2, religion is a very big issue. How far are both of you willing to compromise. Think about it long and hard before you jump into marriage.
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ugodaniel (m)
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White'NkemWhen did you turn into a professional psychologist Hope you make the wisest choice and don't forget, always plan for the future and not just for the present
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agnesoseka
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To me the heart is more important,besides, if the understandng is there, that is the most important thing,
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agnesoseka
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To me the heart is more important,besides, if the understandng is there, that is the most important thing, soI prefer the second guy, I can't stand being cheated on.
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junegirl (f)
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Well Aisha, it's clear that you are very much in love with this second guy. Quite alrite, especially since he's been around for four years. That to me is enough time for any guy to mess up if he will. I understand your family's stance because I'm also a muslim and I know how much muslim parents want their children to marry within the religion. Especially if your parents are respected elders within the muslim community, men, you should get ready for second world war.
But if the guy is worth the trouble, I will fight that war and damn the consequences. After all you are the one who will live within the marriage, not your family. Your happiness comes before any other consideration. The rule is love your neighbour (in this case, your family) as you love yourself, not more than you love yourself. So don't turn yourself into a victim of circumstance, go after your happiness. When Bianca fell in love with Ojukwu, her father practically disowned her. Today, has he not resigned himself to fate? Meanwhile has Biance not been happilymarried all these years? My dear forget sentiments. If for the sake of religion you go and get married to someone you don't love and live an unhappy life till you die, God will ask the angels to flog you for sacrificing the gift of love that he gave you.
If this will help you, I know an Ibo lady(catholic) who went to serve in Maiduguri and fell in love with a muslim guy from the sultanate family. They both insisted they would marry none else but themselves. You know; the Sultanate and Knighted Catholic family- you can imagine the fireworks. These young couple stood their ground. That was 20 years ago. Today, they are not only happily married with children schooling abroad, the guy hasn't married another wife- which you know is most unlike Hausa men. That's how far love can go,
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twinstaiye (m)
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Marry the one that love you most, how would you know, marry the third one. The third one? yeah, the 3rd one, who is non existence, the one that love you most out of the two will still come after you. You don't have anything to lose, since the two get 'k-leg'.
However, you have been with the two of them, you should be the best to determine whom you want. Are you a yoruba? Alatise lohun matise arare.
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white`Nkem (f)
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White'NkemWhen did you turn into a professional psychologist Since I got my lovely inspiration  @junegirl Nice post. Very good (as in complete and well argumented) advice. |
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abstarr (m)
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I understand your family's stance because I'm also a muslim and I know how much muslim parents want their children to marry within the religion.
Hi Junegirl, while i agree (somewhat) wit ur post, it's not only the parents' wish and hers that should be considered here. If she's a true muslim (which i hope she is), she will be concerned with the upbringing of her children. I personally hav seen alot of "cross-religion" marriages and their "products" (the children) are always sitting on the fence!! i.e niether here nor there, and not strong in any religion. Nobody that's strong in their faith would want to see their kids grow up otherwise. They (the kids) should also be a significant factor in the decision making. |
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smillie
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whatever u do,make sure you get your parents consent,very important o!
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diyobdw (f)
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@ topic Guy one: Not worth itGuy 2: Not worth it either!Am not try'g to be mean but for guys1- he cheats? so u don't ever need him Guy 2 - can't change his view about marry'g u except you are giving up your faith. basic truth is that you're not is ideal girl.  Instead of wast'g time on both. Assume you have stopped on the wrong shore and paddle your boat back in to the wonderful ocean of single and searching. They both lead to hurt no matter how much love involve. You can find love again the earlier you start search the better your chances. |
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aisha2 (f)
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I really want to say a big thank you for all of you who replied. Its nice to know that you can share your problems and get such wonderfull advice from young people. With such intelligent young people in nigeria i know nigeria is destined for greatness.
I broke up with the first guy at one point but due to my family intervention and i can see a willingness in him to change.Thats why i even considered getting back with him.
As for the second guy he is not a fanatic and his family is cool with me just that i do not want to change religion, i know i may have to loose him but it just hurts too much to think about it. I don't think i can bear it or if he will be able to take it.
Am relly greatfull for all the responses especially the humourous once, it lifted my spirit.
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