Some people are only alive because its illegal to kill them.

I hate it when clothes look better on the hanger than they do on your body.

Your pretty, At night, Miles away, In a cave, Behind a wall, to a blind person.

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

People say I have a dirty mind, but then again, if THEY don't, how did they understand what I was saying.

I like to be in the background since everyone wants to stand out.

You are nothing but broken dreams and empty promises.

I wish Facebook had a "slap" button .

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

I see a fly following you so I automatically assume you smell like shit.

Abortion doesn't make u unpregnate. It makes u the mother of a dead baby.

Be very nice to a person that smokes, every cigarette might be their last.

Life would be so much easier if you could just Google someone, and see them naked, to know what you were getting into.


more,

I could eat my watch, but that would be time consuming.

Whoever said money dosen't grow on trees, never grew marijuana.

What mirror do some of these people look in when they call themselves pretty?

Love- a kind of amnesia that makes a woman forget that there's still 1.2 billion men left in the world.

A bank is a place that will loan you money if you can prove you don't need it.

Dude, I watch all the CSI's, Ncis and Criminal Minds. I can make your death look like an accident.

GUY: would u wear gloves if u didnt have hands? GIRL: no?? GUY: then why do u wear a bra?

Why when your wife gets pregnant, everyone rubs her belly & says "congrats!" But nobody rubs your d**k and says "Good Job"?

Ever notice how 99% of the time, your EX gets uglier after you break up?

When life shuts a door, just break in through the window.

When I was a kid, my mom told me I could be anybody I wanted to be. Turns out the cops call it identity theft.

I have an amazing ability! I find objects just before people lose them. The police, however, call it theft.

Never share your problems with anyone, cause 20% don't care and 80% are glad you have them.

You remind me of my Chinese friend, Ug Lee.

Your teeth are so messed up they look like Chinese letters.

A man traveling with six children, "all these kids are yours?" man replies "no, i work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints"

I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.

There's just no pleasing women, you give them an inch and they want eight.

Its funny how everybody who supports abortion has already been born.

I may look calm and I'm smiling but somewhere in my brain I'm holding a chainsaw.

Osama Binladen: World Champion of Hide and Seek since 2001.

Men are like commercials: sound good but you know its false advertisement.

Your constant online declarations that you have the 'greatest boyfriend ever' is making me really wish that he cheats on you.

I read my own palm today, it said i was going to slap you.

An elephant is talking to a camel. "why do you have 2 boobs om your back?" the camel replies "says the person with a dick in his face, "

Thought you were hit with the ugly stick, but u were gang raped by the entire forest.

When you catch a fish and release it, does go back and tell it's friends it was abducted by alien?

A friend is one who can see the truth and pain in you when you're fooling everyone else.

Does this dress make me look fat?, No, your fat makes you look fat

A wife says to her husband, " I feel fat and ugly, give me a compliment.", He says, "bitch u have perfect vision"

H.A.T.E.R.S= Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success.

You hold the key to my heart, too bad i changed the lock!

Never steal, the government hates competition.

I may look calm, but in my head ive killed you three times.

You're so broke, you can't even pay attention.

Why don't you go slip into something a little more relaxing, Like a coma.

Everyone has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privelege.

My key -- simple. I NEVER, ever give up. I simply out run failure in time. Fear is only a sprinter w/flash. I am a long distance runner.

If you didn't see it with ur own eyes or hear it with ur own ears, don't think it with ur small mind and spread it with ur big mouth!

I hate weddings cuz everytime an old person see's u they poke u and say "hey your next" so I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Ever look at your ex and think: "was i drunk our whole relationship!!!??!"

If I was a teacher, id make every answer on a test "A" just to see a bunch of kids panic.

Girls care about where their man is going in the future Guys care about where their girl has been in the past.

Ever Heard about the device that converts thoughts into speech, It's called Alcohol.

I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U has eight letters, but baby, so does B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.

Who puts LOL, ROFL or LMAO knowing damn well you're sittin there with a straight face

A long journey always begins with words: 'I think I know a shortcut'.

I hate when people put 'loool'. what are you? laughing out out out loud?

Your so fake, your birth certificate says 'Made in China'

Too bad I can't set my hopes too high, 'cause every hello ends with goodbye.

If practice makes perfect, and there is no such thing as perfect, why practice?

Always FORGIVE your enemies. Nothing annoys them more!

"To lead people, walk beside them, When the best leader's work is done the people say, 'We did it ourselves!'"

‎"If I can't have you, at least i was able to know I HAD you."

The difference between “like”, “love”, and “in love” is the same with “for now”, for a while”, and “forever.”

‎, If I don't have a purpose in my life, I will make YOUR life, a living hell.

when you wake up you are guaranteed death, taxes and problems. But life is 10% what happened to u, and 90% how u respond 2 it.

A relationship is like a plant needing the TRUTH to grow, you starve your relationship by lying, it'll eventually die.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Life is a question, nobody can answer it & Death is an answer, nobody can question.

My heart was taken by you, broken by you, and now it is in pieces because of you

Love is like falling down, in the end you're left hurt, scarred, and with a memory of it forever.

can't really tell if you are really flirting with me, or just being extra friendly.

when a girl says "its okay", "I'm fine", or "don't worry about it", you should know its not really okay,

An "EX" is called an "EX" because it's an Example of who you shouldn't date in the future.

Love me or hate me, both are in my favor. If u love me, I'll always be in your heart, if u hate me, I'll always be in your mind.

A real man doesn't love a million girls. He loves one girl in a million ways.

nyc!

.

People say nothing is impossible, I disagree, try describing a color to a blind person.

I'm actually not funny, I'm just really mean and people think I'm kidding.

I am the author of my life, unfortunately I'm writing in pen and I'm unable to erase my mistakes

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

I had a wet dream about you last night. I dreamt you got hit by a bus and pissed myself laughin.

A best friend is someone who is totally aware of how retarded u are but still manages to be seen in public with u.

We all have slow moments yours is just longer than others.

You have one advantage over me: you can kiss my ass and I can't.

Laughter is a Smile with the volume turned up

Congratulations, you are officially proof that murder should be legalized. Support the legalization of exterminating idiots!

People like you are the reason why people like me take medication.

A strong person knws how 2 keep their life in order, even with tears in their eyes, they still manage 2 say "i'm ok" with a smile.



, share those your have seen or come across

Spell "saggin" backwards, just noticed that mess.

Life would be perfect if sum girls had mute button, guys had edit button, bad times had a fast fward button, & good times had a pause button

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

Has anyone noticed that "studying" is like "student" and "dying" put together.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian says; "Bleep off, you won't bring it back!"

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

And if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord will clear my browsing history!!!

Never, go to sleep angry. Stay awake and plot ur revenge!

nice one boy, keep it up

gidson12:

nice one boy, keep it up

thanks

Wow.These are cool.
Did I say cool,so sorry, very very cool.
I just couldn't stop laughing.
There's this one "And if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord will clear my browsing history!!!"
So typical.

I wish i could record my dreams and watch them later.

Everyone keeps telling me the right person will come around, but I think mine got hit by a bus.

Being broke - temporary economic situation. Being poor, disabling frame of mind, depressed condition of your spirit. Never be poor again.

Never tell your problems to anyone! 50% don't care. 10% don't even hear it. And the other 40% are glad you have them.

When guys get jealous, its actualy kinda cute. When girls get jealous, World War III is about to start.

Men are generally more careful of the breed of their horses and dogs than of their children.

The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up.

Alarm Clocks assure our mornings start with a heart attack.

I hate the words Dont & Stop, But put them two words together and its the best phrase in the world.

You know your'e fat when you drop something and think, "do i really need that"

Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

If you're one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.

girls should try eating some of their makeup, maybe it would make their insides pretty.

Why do girls live longer than boys? Because shopping never cause heart attacks. But paying the bill does.

People say nothing is impossible, I disagree, try describing a color to a blind person.

I'm so going to have fun with this.

Thanks bro, really good one

9ice ones.
u almost kill me with the 1 that has
condom and its result.
welldone

If my life was a movie, it would be rated 18.

Good friends are those who care w/o hesitation, who remembers w/o limitation, & who remains d same even if facebook is their only communication!

People say I'm sorry with no intentions of changing their ways, these are the apologies that hold no value.

Treat your life like a vehicle. Keep your eyes dead ahead instead of the rear view mirror, that's how accidents happen.

Preparing to LOVE is preparing to be hurt as well. Sometimes the one's we love, hurt us the most.

LOVE is a box filled with emotion, surrounded by great expectations.

"I hate it when you can't stop thinking about that one person & deep down inside you know they probably haven't thought about you once."

No women No pain. Know women Know pain.

i hate when people call themselves "ugly" & they're freaking BEAUTIFUL

When a woman is speaking to you, listen to what she says with her eyes.

The girls that are always easy on the eyes are never easy on the heart.

A Man doesn't come with an instructional Manual to show you how he Works, get a pretty gal she knws how to make it work

Women are deadly artists who paints the futures of great men.

Nice one bro, u jxt lifted ma spirit.

nice stuff

fantastic. Nice one.

Too many jokes at once

@Poster - u 'spose give us time to read, digest and comment on 1 joke b/4 u post another

wetin u wan digest nw? na yam? abeg poster, send more sharply.

^^ Na information overload be this jor!

make u activate processor for ur brain na?

too much at once

take it or leave it

Ok now. Try take am easy.

Efemena_xy:

Too many jokes at once

@Poster - u 'spose give us time to read, digest and comment on 1 joke b/4 u post another

noted,

here we go again.

When uve come to the end of your rope,, tie a knot & hang on!!

Ever noticed? Our parents spend 1st 18 months tryin to make us " STAND UP & TALK " & rest of the life trying to make us "SIT DOWN & LISTEN"

If ur relationship status says, “It’s complicated” on Facebook that u should stop kidding urself & change it to “Single”

Got a problem with me? Solve it. Think i’m trippin? Tie my shoes. Can’t stand me? Sit back down. Can’t face me? Turn around.

Life is very complicated. Don't try to find answers, because when you find answers life changes questions.


digest and lemme know.

who are you to tell me how to conduct myself? why don't you practice safe sex, and go Bleep yourself

"I hate when people say I look miserable when I'm just sitting there. Do I need to paint a smile on all the time?"

Don't worry, if you can't laugh at yourself I'll do it for you

Dance like no ones watching, cause, no one is.

Be optimistic, all the people you hate are going to eventually die =).

Of course you have the right to have your own opinion, and I have the right to think you're stupid.

Don't sleep to much! Enjoy your life. Enjoy being alive. There's lots of time to be dead and actually sleep forever.

Love at first sight can usually be cured by a second look.

The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.