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yemstar (f)
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I just want to know if i am going about this dating thing all wrong. I am really trying to uphold my christianity but it is proving more difficult especially in the US. I mean a guy likes you, you tell him your beliefs he is all for it one minute then you think he might actually be for real this time you start letting your guard down and then, it's the same story something's gotta give.
I Know that in God's time I will find someone but I am really scared that one of these days I will give in like my friends already have ,
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ikamefa (f)
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if you don't want to have sex in your relationships , look for and find like minded people!
unfortunately not everybody can be strong willed and be in control of their self when it comes to sex
you either abstain from looking for a boyfriend totally ,till you are ready for sex
or look for friends you can hang with, and have fun with but no strings attached
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dominobaby (f)
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Why
« #2 on: May 23, 2007, 07:14 AM » |
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Yemstar, i feel you girl. It's really not easy especially in these days of ours where majority of people have gone gaga with sex as if that's all life's about. I would encourage you to keep up your chastity, date only someone who's got same emotional with you. And i'm sure you'll find someone.
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thesilent1 (m)
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hello,
hang in there and keep searching. i have to say its not easy and WHEN you do find somone like-minded still does not mean you will not have to deal with your thought life about the issue as well but it is possible.
i wish you all the best in your search.
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zuluman (m)
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@ Yemstar I understand what you are saying. The same is also happening to me. I am a disciple (true follower of Jesus Christ) and I was in a relationship but the girl left me because she said she wants sex quick.  But I told her that it is after our marriage. She argued with me over this for over 5months then she told me she was leaving me for another guy. After about one year, she called my phone and said she was sorry that she wanted me back. But I am a simple guy so I accepted her - and of course, I asked her if she slept with other guys and she said "no". Just last month, she brought up this issue again and is threatening to leave me, but I'm not succumbing. I told her to wait till next year when we marry each other. She has agreed to marry me several times. SO Yemstar, there is definately a guy out there for you that you would like but I can assure you that they are not many. Many of my female friends get angry whenever I accept my girl back. |
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thesilent1 (m)
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maybe you two should hook up?!?!?! I am serious! you both have the same views on this issue so PM eachother and see if you like what you hear!
people, i might just have done my cilla black impression for the day!!!!
now the sad thing is that some people will think i am making fun but i am very serious.
well, just the silent 1's opinion as always.
Peace!
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TV01 (m)
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@Yemstar,
Be encouraged, be very encouraged.
I both empathise and sympathise, with all who are encountering this problem.
Sometimes I have cause to question if I am the only one who see's it as God honouring to abstain from physical intimacy before marriage.
The longer I wait the more out of touch I appear to become. I have girls who tell me ho ha, and on the first date, that they expect full blown intimacy to determine "sexual compatibility". And may I add for the sake of anyone listening - or who may want to discuss in a seperate thread - sexual compatibility is a myth (a lie from the father of them).
It's a stance that is so against the grain that I sometimes wonder "is it me?" I've been told I live in Biblical times, asked if I'm gay, just becuase I want to remain faithful to the lover of my soul.
Please, I beseech you by the sure mercies of God, do not grow weary. In due time He will show forth His faithfulness
God truly bless and keep all who love Him in truth.
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Telly B (m)
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Sometimes I have cause to question if I am the only one who see's it as God honouring to abstain from physical intimacy before marriage. Nope, you're not the only one. I count among them who wait patiently, and God has been proving His sure mercies and faithfulness to me. Be very. . . very encouraged! Blessings.  |
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mrmayor (m)
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I'm for respecting other people's believes no matter a quaky it may be but there a real issue involved here and am writing from experience,its called Sexual Compatability.
For a happy married life its important for couple to work out if they are Emotionally,Religiously,Physically,etc compatable.It will save a lot of wahala in the future.Personally I will find it had to have a long lasting relationship with woman who believes in Witches and Men Of God,hey thats just me.
Though very people would admit it a lot relationships break down because of Bedroom Politics,when an individual fails to find fulfillment in the bedroom they look for satisfaction out.
@Yemster,
How would you handle a husband you never had any sex with before marriage if he fails you in bed;would ask the holy spirit to give him more power in bed or talk to prayer warriors or seek medical help.I think you need to have an idea what you getting yourself into
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Wa_do_moi (f)
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@Yemstar
Date someone in the Church who shares the same beleif system with you. simple.
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TV01 (m)
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I'm for respecting other people's believes no matter a quaky it may be but there a real issue involved here and am writing from experience,its called Sexual Compatability. ~ Please define "Sexual Compatibility" (SC) ~ What is it's absolute measure if any? ~ If SC is relative, how will one know the best fit unless one literally samples everyone? ~ How exactly does engaging in sexual activity dertermine if a couple are sexually copmpatible? ~ Could one party decide there was SC while the other disagreed? Or is it always mutual? ~ Once decided/agreed, does it ever change? Is it permanent? ~ Presumably virgins (or those with limited sexual experience) should not be allowed to marry? ~ Is "Physical Compatibility" (PC), the same , similar or related to (SC)? And on and on. Let me say straight up, I believe SC is a myth and a misnomer. But I'd appreciate if you could show me that I misunderstand and disabuse me of my ignorance. How would you handle a husband you never had any sex with before marriage if he fails you in bed; ~ Could you also outline how a husband (or wife for that matter), may "fail one in bed"? Thanks & regards God bless |
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thesilent1 (m)
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How would you handle a husband you never had any sex with before marriage if he fails you in bed;would ask the holy spirit to give him more power in bed or talk to prayer warriors or seek medical help.I think you need to have an idea what you getting yourself into no, you make sure that these are things you talk about BEFORE getting married. I have been married for 8 years now and we NEVER had sex prior to marriage. Now, do not get me wrong, i am a freak when it comes to sex so its not taken lightly. (i say that so some of you do not think sex its not important to me) and we STILL have one amazing heaven-of-a-sex-life!!! why??? because we discussed things before to make sure that we are "compatible". no subject was taboo (how it should be!!) and we covered EVERY aspect of sex and what we liked, disliked, would try, would NEVER try, etc. i think you get the gist of it. yes, you should have both eyes open before such a commitment BUT that should not be an excuse to simply having sex prior to marriage. infact, i would rather you just had sex, acknowledge it and decide to marry when you are both ready. Peace! |
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TV01 (m)
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no, you make sure that these are things you talk about BEFORE getting married. I have been married for 8 years now and we NEVER had sex prior to marriage. Now, do not get me wrong, i am a freak when it comes to sex so its not taken lightly. (i say that so some of you do not think sex its not important to me) and we STILL have one amazing heaven-of-a-sex-life!!! why??? because we discussed things before to make sure that we are "compatible". no subject was taboo (how it should be!!) and we covered EVERY aspect of sex and what we liked, disliked, would try, would NEVER try, etc. i think you get the gist of it. Thank you sir. People will come up with all sorts of bunkum in order to justify pre-marital sex. If a couple are physically (as well as in other ways) attracted to one another, develop a relationship, grow in affection and thouroughly and truthfully discuss expectations prior to marrige, and work on physical intimacy post marriage (or does Sc come in totality after one act), there will be no failure. Need I point out that in a sefless (sacrificial even), relationship, it will be an honour, a joy and a pleasure to be keenly aware and fulfil the sexual needs of your spouse. yes, you should have both eyes open before such a commitment BUT that should not be an excuse to simply having sex prior to marriage. infact, i would rather you just had sex, acknowledge it and decide to marry when you are both ready. I disagree here, although I see your point (I think). God bless |
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Seun (m)
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Actually, premarital sex is nice if your partner doesn't have STDs. If you don't believe in it, go ahead and get married!
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thesilent1 (m)
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bobo yi tun dey! LOL
@ TV01
true, i am in NO way advocating pre-marital sex but at least people should be honest as to why they do it and not hide behind the lie of "compatability"
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I-man (m)
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If I had erectile dysfunction or was completely impotent,I would find one of these girls who don't want sex outside marriage.By the time we are married,it will be too late.
Most men want to have sex and they can have a sexless relationship with a girl while meeting their sexual needs with other girls.
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TV01 (m)
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If I had erectile dysfunction or was completely impotent,I would find one of these girls who don't want sex outside marriage.By the time we are married,it will be too late. If a couple are physically (as well as in other ways) attracted to one another, develop a relationship, grow in affection and thouroughly and truthfully discuss expectations prior to marriage, and work on physical intimacy post marriage (or does Sc come in totality after one act), there will be no failure. Most men want to have sex So do I, but I agree with Gods word that it's best kept within the confines of marriage, and by His grace and power demonstrate the spiritual fruit of self-control. Most men want to have sex and they can have a sexless relationship with a girl while meeting their sexual needs with other girls. I don't believe Sis' Yemstar or anyone with similar beliefs/values is looking for most men! true, i am in NO way advocating pre-marital sex but at least people should be honest as to why they do it and not hide behind the lie of "compatability" I didn't think you were, and I saw your point. Honesty over hypocrisy or self-deceit. But personally, I would rather they simply refrained. God bless |
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yemstar (f)
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Thanks to all those with encouraging words and to those who had other things to say, well at least i read your posts but i have been hearing those cons almost all my life and i am not going to keep defending my beliefs.
I had a brief weak spell the night i posted this topic and i needed encouraging words from other christians in the house and i got it, Once again THANKS!
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thesilent1 (m)
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its like hebrews says, whatever it is, you aint the only one!!! (par)
Keep your head up!!!
Peace!
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mrmayor (m)
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What is Sexual Compatibility? Its indeed subjective but experience would also suggest that there are Lovers are not born but Made.Years ago I thought I knew a lot about sex and how to make a woman come but alas I met a woman who taught me a lot and I knew that women I have been with previously were all faking.
"Angie" taught how to kiss,I used to almost swallow the woman's tongue with a lot of spit action but she told me that was wrong,if I didn't meet her I would still continue my old kissing technique
I now know more about foreplay from the different women I have been with,you can learn foreplay without experimenting with a more experienced partner,being with different partners get to know what Generally works and what doesn't work with women.
Until the advent of Viagra men never admitted they have problem in the bedroom,but now a lot of men take it compensate for sexual impotents.
@Yemster,
Again sister,am not telling you to have sex just for its sake but the fact is you might be disappointed on your wedding night.I hope not.
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Telly B (m)
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Again sister,am not telling you to have sex just for its sake but the fact is you might be disappointed on your wedding night.I hope not. She won't be disappointed.  |
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ThiefOfHearts (f)
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If I had erectile dysfunction or was completely impotent,I would find one of these girls who don't want sex outside marriage.By the time we are married,it will be too late.
Lol how can she not be when there are actually guys who think like this? Imani was probably joking but there are guys who do such things |
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Joeish
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It`s so lady because most folks misunderstand the whole thing but please whom ever you are always it is better not giving in than doing so and regretin later.stick to your believe i have and can tell you how much it has helped me
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TV01 (m)
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Hi Everyone, What is Sexual Compatibility? Its indeed subjective but experience would also suggest that there are Lovers are not born but Made. Thank you, my point exactly. I now know more about foreplay from the different women I have been with,you can learn foreplay without experimenting with a more experienced partner, Exactly. With mutual love and the desire to please each other and experiment, a couple can learn together regardless of their level of experience (and in fact will have to no matter how experieced they are). Is it so hard to imagine open, honest discussions - even research and being advised by the more mature or experienced - between a married couple? being with different partners get to know what Generally works and what doesn't work with women. Here is where your argument is somewhat incomplete. It doesn't have to be with multiple partners for numerous reasons, some being. ~ It takes time to settle into a relationship, how may times will you form a relationship and go through the turmoil of breaking up , healing and starting again, just to increase your sexual experience? Oft times experience comes with baggage! ~ If you approach it mechanically, with the sole intent of learning about sex, that can't be anything less than soul destroying for any half decent person. ~ Everyone is different, so you could have hundreds of partners (and the more you have the more devoid of real love the relationships are likely to be) and still not know how to satisfy your spouse. ~ Even if you learnt the A-Z of sex backwards, you would still have to learn and be sensitive to the unique, needs , desires, maturity, experience, hang-ups, problems (and work through' them) of your spouse. ~ If you've hitherto treated sex mechanically as per above, it could take a lot of the tenderness and sensitivity out of the relationship, like a pro, it becomes a chore, rather than something to cherish. Sexual Compatibility in as much as anyone can lay a hold on it is a journey to a point or place, not an immediate state that ensues after the first intimate contact. As you yourself have said. For ages you were shit and actually thought you were shit-hot. In fact, as it's relative, you may yet be, maybe the ones who taught you, did'nt know all there was to teach (sorry, just joshin'  ). But seriously, while I understand it's importance, and intend to mutate into a rabbit when I get married, don't lets over-emphasise the importance of sex or SC. @Yemster,
Again sister,am not telling you to have sex just for its sake but the fact is you might be disappointed on your wedding night.I hope not. Again, you miss the point. Truth is, many wedding nights for those who wait may be so-so at best. And in purely mechanical/performance terms, may not be that great. But the joy of coming together, the thrill of first intimacy and the knowledge that they are each others desire in a covenanted relationship will totally outweigh that. It's the starting point of a journey of discovery, delight, joy, mutual edification comfort and bonding. Sister Yemster, pray be encouraged and don't feel in any way compelled to live by (or be conformed to) the worlds expectations. God bless |
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thesilent1 (m)
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let me tell you guys a story about my wedding night. after waiting a whole year and keeping our "mutable rabbit parts", we were really looking forward to that night and after the church thing, reception, Naija party, we finally got back to our hotel room and did we do anything?!?!?!? HELL NO!!!!!!!! too tired and knackered from shaking ou backsides at the traditional party! LOL
was it an issue, no! was better because we were not desperate and after waiting 1 whole year, another day was not even an issue.
what i am trying to say is that even though we both see the importance of sex as part of our relationship, we were able to see it as just that; A PART!!!!!
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dominobaby (f)
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Why
« #25 on: May 25, 2007, 07:44 PM » |
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@ thesilent1 and Tv, God bless you guys real GOOD! Just when one thinks there aint people like you guys out there anymore.
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mrmayor (m)
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,you can learn foreplay without experimenting with a more experienced partner,
Typographical error,what should read is You CAN'T Learn good foreplay without experimenting with a more experienced partner/ , Any man who is man enough would admit that their first time was a disaster,too much fumbling and shooting his load in a few minutes, many women have had affairs due to inexperience or incompetence of their man in bed. I have made my peace with Yemster,if she wants to remain celibate until her wedding night good for her but how would she that she is getting sexual fulfillment from her man if she doesn't know any better?As the Naija saying goes "Guy Man for Village Na Bush Man for Town". For me,Sex is very important, I want woman who knows her stuff,a woman who would take me to heaven and back everytime we make love,I don't want a woman who just lies there telling to finish quick.I want a woman who know how to enjoy herself and tells her man what makes her cu-m, over and over again. I have noticed that one thing problem most religious people would not admit to is sexual problems,being curious what do you religious guys do when Nepa fails in the bedroom,do you pray about it or look for your Viagra bottle. If after the wedding what Madam gets is a 3 minute wham-bam thank you man how can she possibly know them are men who will drill her for hours and she would be speaking in tongues.Few religious people would ever admit reading Good Sex Guides,the purpose of reading such books and films is to be better lovers, |
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feelgood (m)
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zuluman, tvo1, silent1 - ur posts make a good and God glorifying reading. I do admire your Christian stand. please hold on to the same. Mr mayor is obviously being sincere - but he is sincerely wrong. I have been married for 17 years now and I can tell you that a couple that is open with each other will have a rewarding and fulfilling sexual relationship - AND U don't NEED A PREVIOUS PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE TO DISCOVER HOW TO MAKE UR SPOUSE HAPPY. I indeed have come across folks, especially the sisters, who feel sex is a bore and a necessary nuisance in marriages as a result of ignorance and age long inhibitions, but right counsel changed all that. But ur attitude, dear tvO1 shows that wont be a problem with you. So hold on brother and keep yourself for that special sister God has for you. As for bro zuluman, I THINK the lady who left you because of ur stand is not for you since she is back to the old record. @ all, You may find www.themarriagebed.com an interesting/informative site God bless you. |
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mrmayor (m)
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@Feelgood,
Thanks for your post,I'll understand where you are coming from.Nice link,I have gone through the site and as you said its was informative.I think it would be considered a sin for a Christian to view that site unless they are married.I don't think that you can drive a car properly without a bit of practice with different cars,driving a manual is a totally different experience from an automatic model yet both would take you to your destination.
In Europe a lot of Naija women have lost their husbands to a more sexually experienced foreign women,there stories of women seeking sex outside the matrimonial home because Oga doesn't know what he is doing,maybe I'm wrong in my views but I won't bury my head in the sand and pretend that married couples Christians or not do not have sexual problems.
In Saudi Arabia and other Islamic countries the major cause of divorce by the women folk is their husband,s sexual impotency.Yes, these are societies were most people get into marriage as virgins,admitting that your partner doesn't do it for you in bed is one of the hardest thing to do because the knowledge would hurt the other party whom you probably love very much,thats the main reason why women fake it in bed.
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thesilent1 (m)
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i think sexual problems are common in any religion, country, creed but for us christians more because we some times fail to see the place of prayer, fasting. you might think whats the connection, but how many naija people do you know that turn to fastng and prayer no matter the problem!!! and this, as much as is in good faith (no pun) will be like praying for God to start your car for you when you have run out or petrol; GO AND BUY EKPO!!!!!! lol
i have to agree with mrmayor on the point about books and resources available (with out delving into top-shelf material) for me, i think the reason why i really NEEDED to knwo where i stood in the sex part of my marriage was that i genuinely want to make my marriage work and i sat myself down and thought about ALL the reasons possible that we could fight, disagree or argue about and we went through all the topics we could find.
does this mean we do not fight? what do you think!?!?!? LOL but this goes a long way to having sanity and peace in my home! i think the MOST important thing here is to remember that it is a LEARNING curve for both parties involved and so there will be a lot of "learning to crawl" mistakes and "trial and error" but then again, thats the fun part! lol
for me this topic stems from something fr greater and more important and that is TALKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
scenarios that call for a man OR WOMAN to have to look outside for their sexual needs is as a result of nothing being discussed OR nothing resolved from discussion. we have to remember that anything we do starts upstairs so before it gets to action / practical stage, we would have pondered things so if we start to talk about things early enough, we should be able to resolve a lot if not all your sexual issues.
i have to say, and i am not sure if other couples will agree but the sex sure gets better as the years go on! LOL
i am serious people! some of you already can tell i am a freak but i am comfortable in being a freak because its within the comfort of MY marriage bed, oh and sofa, and kitchen, etc hope you get the idea! LOL
the more you drive YOUR car (and not just any car or so many cars!), the more you know and can handle YOUR car! (par)
Peace!
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needeeg (m)
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Well, guess is aint that Hard u talking about, but it does sha!
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