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LekanAjayi
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Thank God I found this site to talk about this. I could not open up to seek advice from anybody I know because I’m ashamed.
My wife has refused to let me touch her for 5 months now. I’m frustrated, this is what happened. In August last year, my wife’s elder sister was kicked out of her home by her husband. He rejected her and her 4 kids. She needed a place to stay and all her family members did not want to take her in because that woman is a she-devil. My wife then came to meet me that we should take her in but I refused and made her see reasons with me. I told her that No 1 reason is that she is a very troublesome woman, that’s why her husband kicked her out and that’s why nobody in their family wants to take her in. Everybody knows that she can’t stay in a place without causing war and I want peace in my home.
No 2 reason is financial issues. I’m a struggling graduate trying very hard to cater for my wife and son. It will be very difficult for me to financially support a woman and 4 kids. Moreso, she does not have any source of income, she has been dependent on her husband until she was kicked out. I explained these things to my wife and she told me that I’ve turned her down at the time she needed me most. Then I asked where they were staying at that time but she said I don’t need to bother since I’ve refused to lend a helping hand to her closest family. Then she said some terrible words that I’ve thrown her out in the rain, etc and walked out. Since then communication between the two of us have broken down and she has refused to let me touch her.
When I could not bear it any longer, I told her to go and bring her sister, she said it won’t be necessary again because God has opened his door when I closed mine. And she continued keeping to herself, refusing to talk and laugh like we used to and also refusing me sex. Please what can I do? Was I wrong to have refused her sister? I need your advice.
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lullaby (f)
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Hi
Your story is a sad one. I believe you did the right thing protecting your home. As the head of your home, it's your duty to guard your home. I understand that your wife may have felt bad and slighted about u not allowing her sister to come stay with you but at the end, she should have respected your decision as the her husband. Her behavior is not right at all and she needs to ask for your forgiveness. As for you, I will encourage you to pray and ask God to change her heart and please don't give in to temptation to cheat or leave your marriage. Maybe you both can try church counseling? That may work...
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Seun (m)
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You can't expect her to be happy when her blood sister doesn't have anywhere to stay with her four children. I think all you need in this case is to give in a little bit and take in one or two of the four kids into your home so your wife will be able to say, "at least we tried". Isn't it ironic that in the bid to "maintain the peace" in your home by not accepting your wife's sister you no longer have that peace?  Compromise is the answer, my brother. Give your wife a reason to be a little bit happy with you. You don't have to take in the troublesome woman, but you can accept some of her kids. Your darling wife would most likely be the one to take care of them. |
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rikkyjen (m)
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I disagree with seun!!!!did you say compromise???look lekan you are in charge,are they paying your rents for you,you don't have to lower your guards and compromise your stands because of some kind of emotional blackmail...Look,in this life ,you can't afford to displease yourself to please people,not dancing to the whims and caprices of your wife makes you a man!!! learn to be in charge.Afterall you are a struggling graduate in this austere and bitching period...What? 4 kids and a woman!!!,are you dangote or folawiyo banker???.
About sex abi??Look in as much as i wont recommend extra marital nonsense!!! just try and hold yourself,but i bet, you must punish her for this singular action and you can punish her in differnt ways not battering oooooooooo!!!. Denying you your conjugal rights tantamounts to an affront on your authority in the house
Lastly,Never i mean Never,fall for the blackmail of a woman unless she will continuing doing d same thing to get at you,even at the slightest disagreement in the house!!!!!
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chrisd (m)
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You acting like a sissy. Stand up and act like a man and do not let her use sexual weapons against you to get her way. The next time she tries for sex, refuse.
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Seun (m)
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If you are interested in a good marriage, follow my advice. If your main concern is your pride, usse their advice. But if you ask them you will discover that if they are married they may not be happily married. Sometimes in life you have to choose between your happiness and stupid pride. I prefer happiness.
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rikkyjen (m)
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@seun.. Does Accepting that woman guarantee his happiness?Seun, you have to read lekans post again!!!..he said he is a struggling man,how do you want him to feed his own personal household and a woman with 4 kids!!! that is misplaced priority...You don't have to shoot yourself in the leg under the auspices of being a good samaritan.
Even if he was trying to help before ,the action of his wife has nullified everythin totally!!!Does she have to resort to blackmailing her husband to drive home her demands???Abi na which kind happiness are you talkin about???is it sucummbing to threat and blackmail in a home that brings happiness???
Ogbeni lekan,don't succumb to blackmails from your spouse,explain to her the more why you took such rational decision and if she sleeps at the other side of the bed,Ignore her actions,but my friend one day she will kneel to have it ,and then you can have the last laugh!!!....Lastly,never displease yourself to please someone else!!!!
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Seun (m)
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No compromise, no relationship. I have already learnt that one.
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viviansam (f)
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On this issue I will accept the position of the Moderator (Site Owner) Seun. I think outrightly refusing to give in is not right for the marriage. Issues like this cause unneccessary rancour in the home. A union is of both parties and for such to work there must be compromise. For instance, How would the man feel if this issue is vice versa, i.e his wife refusing any of his relation who is in such condition a shelter on the basis that the person is troublesome. Marriage this days is different from those days where authority rules. Understanding and ability to compromise and de-emphasise individual egoism/pride brings better solutions to marital problems like this.
The woman on her own part was wrong and negated her womanly role in her reaction. Starving your husband of sex for over 5 months as a result is most upsetting maritally and emotionally. The issue is not of who pays the rent or who is the active financial partner to now dictate the tune. And if you decide to take contrary advice, that is bluffing your wife, soon you will turn to a terror and the peace and happiness you want in your home will be destroyed. For now since the matter has gone this long, try and hold a frank discussion with ur wife and restore your union positively. Apologise where necessary for your earlier stand . Am sure the sister would have got an alternative by now. don't allow your home to break because of this.
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Skidoc (m)
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She deserves to be kicked out too. Let her go and join her sister since she loves her more than you.
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viviansam (f)
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I think if for every disagreement, a man kicks out his wife, then where is the spirit of tolerance and understanding we preach in marriage
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Skidoc (m)
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Hello viviansam, this is more than just 'disagreement'. As someone rightly said, this is emotional blackmail. That means she can kill her husband if her sister asks her to do so. May God not let us fall into the hands of such evil daughters of Eve. (note the rhyme between 'Eve' and 'evil') I advocate that the woman be taught a lesson.
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ABIMBOLA77 (f)
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ahhhhhhahh, please don't mind all these people that are saying u should kick her out and show her pepper.. will they come and marry u.. see their heads!!!  , ehen jare my brother, please, take it to God in prayer, becasue it is a serious issue, she as a wife has a duty by God not to deny u of ur rights to her body for to do so is sin, and you as a man, must seek ways to ensure that u remain the head of the household.. only God can help u in this matter... ill pray for u, in the mean time, hold ur graggs!! |
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camara (f)
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some of u here talk of compromise but did u read that he's a struglin grad and even 4 somepeople who graduated years ago life'S not a bed of roses 4 them.how's he supposed to feed his family when he adds 5 more mouths.not just food education,clothin,he has to do all that on his income and i'm not sure his wife works.if he did take the woman in after a month they'll all be livin under the bridge.there could have been other ways to compromise
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truthhurts (f)
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@ lekanajayi i share ur pains and i understand how u feel right now, everyone has posted their opinion but truthfully u know ur wife best and u know her weakness but sincerely in as much as we all know what she has done is wrong i still feel u shld talk 2 her and make her see reasons and if she doesnt budge try her parents because they would be able 2 talk 2 their daughter and if she still acts this way maybe u shld try ignoring her she would feel slighted and she would retrace her steps(i hope) i think u shld take it 2 God in prayer 2 tkia
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olat (m)
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Mr. Lekan Ajayi, I feel u. I pray God be with u.
I appreciate one thing, U took a stand like a man. Thats good. Maitain it.
As for your wife, please don't fight her. Kindly pray 4 her and admonish her constant. BE PATIENT.
As for compromise as suggested by Seun.Its good but, you could even take 1 or 2 of those kids and the rest will
come over to u, under the guise of visiting the ones with u. This is from xperience. It happens very well
esp here in Lagos.
If u had taken her in (since u said she's troublesome), worst things could happen.
Be very careful, God 'll be with u, my humble opinion.
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Rhodalyn (f)
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ur wifee isnt behavin fairly
as a married Manchester United're bound 2 try n protect ur family frm such stuffs
ur wifee should understand that marriage isnt sometin 2 play wit this lady cld av caused problems does ur wifee value her sis more da ur marriage
if u feel like havin sex n she's fooling why dnt u jst rape her den tell her u cldnt help yaself
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monie0078 (f)
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Lekan, I think you did the right thing, It might not seem like it right now, but what you did was for you and your family. Noone can tell you what's right for your family but you. You seem like you genuinely love your wife, and not one time in your entire post did you have anything rude, mean, or bitter to say about her. I'm of the opinion that you thought things over thoroughly before you made the decision you made. I know for a FACT that a lot times, outside family members bring nothing but trouble, strife, and tension to an otherwise warm, loving household. It might not be their intention to, but it's usually inevitable. Now regarding your wife, that too is unfortunate. She'll come around though, I'm sure of it. Her loyalty is to you and your son FIRST, before anyone else, it became so, the very day that she said her vows and took you as her husband. I have to admit that five months does seem like a while to hold a grudge, but she'll have to calm down soon, abi? Tell her that you're getting a little impatient with things, and that you might have to start taking some drastic measures soon, To the people who are being over dramatic, please stop. Two wrongs have never made a right, and him kicking her out will do NOTHING but make an already bad situation worse, Keep praying, and eventually assert yourself as the man of the house and get your home in order. As chauvanistic as this might sound, you should not allow her call the shots by witholding sex. It's not right, and it's not fair, I have to agree with Olat though, maybe you should offer to take one or two of the kids? Anyway, I'll stop now, good luck with the situation, and PLEASE think things over thoroughly, before you finally make a decision. None of us on this board will come to your home to set things right when things get screwed up, Take everything on here with a grain of salt, and make the final decision on your own, good luck,  |
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nikinash (f)
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lekan, i think you definitely have done the right thing, you sure must love your wife, kudos. but i also feel for your wife because she really must ahve felt helpless not being able to help her sister out (blood is thicker than water). so rather than boot her out or do all the other horrid stuff some of the guys have said, i think you should actually try to get your wife back. start with taking her out somewhere nice, if possiblemake sure the kids are not anywhere near, after dinner sit her down somewhere and talk to her, explaining to her why you felt you needed to do what you did, then listen to her thouroughly. i am almost sure you will end up rollin gin the hay that night. but be sure not to tell her you mentioned the issue on nairaland!
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JoyceAgim (f)
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hw will the marriage look like?gosh, terrible
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Arielle
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Who was it that said blood is thicker than water? The woman's family now is her husband and her son. They come first before her sister, let alone a troublesome one with her brood of 4 children. So the blood issue holds no water (pardon the pun). If blood is the utmost consideration, how come her own blood refused to take her in?
(DAMN, ANELKA JUST COST US THE CUP!!!!)
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RichyBlacK (m)
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If my wife withholds sex from me that long, the marriage would have been over far back! Utter nonsense!
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LadyT (f)
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5months and shes still angry HELLO her other family didnt take her in so what is your own?
Abeg make noise and call her and tell her that she is pushing you to go outside! So if it does happen she can't cry about it.
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Xiomarra
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The thread is 2 years old but still has relevance to most relationships today. Please, my anger is not that serious to withold sex from my husband for 5 months. Especially when I know say the dude no dey take the thing play oooooooooooooooh. Some women are stupidly brave I must say. Thank God I do not consider myself in that category. We can attend to business and continue the quarrelling later. Besides, I know what a wonderful deek he has and cannot dream of not using it as much as possible since I don't know where and if I will get another one that scratches ALL areas like his. Also, I have noticed that sex is awesome after a good "fight". The residual anger is used to propagate sadistic pleasures in the bedroom and boy, I love it.  @Poster,I hope you have resolved these problems by now. Please come back if you have not. I have a lot of advice for you. You were not wrong for what you did but you were insensitive. If you know what pleases your wife, you should do it without much machoism. I would not like any extended relative to live with me in my house with my family. But under the circumstances, you had no choice but to let the woman and the 4 kids into your home even if only temporarily. If I were you, I would let the woman and her 4 kids in for some time but make it clear to your wife that it is only like for a month or so. Then as a man, I would leave the house as much as possible for them only coming home for brief periods of time. So the wife and her sister would understand that I can only tolerate the situation for so long. Next time talk less and let your actions tell others how you feel. Calling your wife's sister a trouble maker was a little off the mark. You only added insult to injury here. One day it may be your turn to look for shelter when your marriage is about to hit the rocks. Looks like you just gave your wife an opportunity to hate your guts. Please come back and give us updates. |
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jennykadry (f)
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You acting like a sissy. Stand up and act like a man and do not let her use sexual weapons against you to get her way. The next time she tries for sex, refuse exactly some of u here talk of compromise but did u read that he's a struglin grad and even 4 somepeople who graduated years ago life'S not a bed of roses 4 them.how's he supposed to feed his family when he adds 5 more mouths.not just food education,clothin,he has to do all that on his income and i'm not sure his wife works.if he did take the woman in after a month they'll all be livin under the bridge.there could have been other ways to compromise tell thm your wifee isnt behavin fairly
as a married Manchester United're bound 2 try n protect your family frm such stuffs
your wifee should understand that marriage isnt sometin 2 play wit this lady cld av caused problems does your wifee value her sis more da your marriage
if u feel like havin sex n she's fooling why dnt u jst rape her den tell her u cldnt help yaself may God bless u rhodalyn 5months and shes still angry HELLO her other family didnt take her in so what is your own?
Abeg make noise and call her and tell her that she is pushing you to go outside! So if it does happen she can't cry about it. abi oooo |
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jennykadry (f)
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@poster
I'm sure u've resolved ur problem by now,but incase u find yourself in such a situation again ,follow this my advise:
let me advise u,d easiest way to make her give u d attention u want,start keeping late night,if possible don't come back home for 2 days (but make sure you're not wt a girl)go to your friends place and stay,when u come back home act like u did nothing wrong by spending d night outside your home
if she cooks don't eat,tell her u've eaten or u aint hungry,pay her little attention,go out more often,try to make her work her brains out,let her suspect u wt another girl ,no big deal
Make sure u dress up in d toilet everyday wt d door locked,since she does not want your body,there is no need advertising it or showing it to her,and if she finally ask's u for sex,don't give it to her,suffer her small ,because if u just give her d minute she asked for it,she wont learn her lessons,if you're on heat,go and masturbate(which I'm sure u would have done countless of times),if she touches u ,push her hands away,or better still leave d room and sleep in d parlour
weneva you're going out don't tell her where you're going to(like i said before avoid getting into any relationship wt another girl),weneva she comes to d parlour to sit,leave d place for her,and if she comes to d room,leave d room and go outside,if she comes outside VACATE THE PREMISES
try all this and see if she wont bend,how can a woman be so hard hearted and starve her hussy for 5 months?how can a woman put her extended family first before her own husband?may God have mercy upon her
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lysaa (f)
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err, please o, where is the Lekan now? He should come and tell us what has been happening so far with his marriage. I don't know why some folks come by here starting a thread anytime they are in a mess and when the mess gets treated, they don't show up anymore. They should learn to come back and share how it worked or didnt work so we learn. (DAMN, ANELKA JUST COST US THE CUP!!!!)
Mahn, e pain me o. |
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