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cooljade (f)
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hello dear, i never thought i would be in such a dilemma, finding myself between the devil and the deep blue sea.
here is my plight and i would appreciate any honest advice.
I'm married to a loving husband and have 3 wonderful sons. life has being OK for us until recently when we developed some financial problems. my husband and i know and believe that soon, everything will turn out right and would not have to worry about living.
I'm a lawyer but have not worked a day in my life and suddenly i got this great job as a legal counsel in an oil company in Lagos.
this should be a very happy moment in my life but I'm sad and torn.
you see, i live in Abuja with my family and taking this job offer means moving to Lagos. my husband is happy about the job but has got concerns with the office being in Lagos. I'm to resume early next month and its causing me sleepless nights even though i know I'll be shuttling Abuja every weekend.
i love my family more than my life and it makes me cry thinking that my kids will feel i choose my job over them, all i want is to sacrifice my happiness to provide a better life and future for them. what do i do?
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wales7479 (m)
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CoolJade, I really feel you and understand your predicament, but nonetheless talk it out with your husband and let him feel what your feeling. You are happily married and live as one for all this while, so let him know what is in your mind. You said it that the financial problem is just for a short while, so why not support him now that u can by taking the job. Am sure your oil & gas job can afford weekend trip (Friday -Sunday) to Abuja to see you family. Another important thing here is communication, you have to go extra mile by communicating to your family regularly. For me, I don't see a problem with that. I think the problem is your changing from what u use to do to something more challenging. Take the challenge and do what is expected. You are a good Mum and wife!!!  |
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cooljade (f)
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@wales7479, thanks for being so positive. I'll see that my discussion with my hubby clears most fears he's got. its a wonderful feeling knowing someone somewhere hopes and has faith in me. thank you.
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hulala (m)
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@cooljade,
I feel you. I know what you will pass through being in Lagos while your husband and children are in far awaya Abuja. It is one of the most difficult situations any person that knows the value of having a family will go through. It is more difficult when you have always spent most of your time with them. However, circumstances make this situation arise in families.
I was a victim of this. I got married to my wife while she was still in the University and after our first son she went back to school with our child. I thought it would be easy for my to carry on with my life like a bachelor, but it was impossible. My own house became a strange house to me. I was ton apart. I spend most of my night calling my wife on the phone. I missed them so much. It was hell of a situation.
Cooljade, please you need to go but just make up your mind to move your family to Lagos at the shortest time. That is the only way you can have you family back. Dont forget that if you get used to staying in Lagos without them they will get used to staying in Abuja without you too.
Please relocate them at the shortest possible time.
I FEEL YOU
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Ijay07
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Hi cooljade. I feel you ooo my sister.
I can imagine what you are going through. I am a mother of 2 (a boy and girl) and i work too.
Sometimes i feel soooo guilty coming home at night to meet them sleeping.
I'll suggest you analsye the merits/demerits of the 2 choices. Also take into consideration the inherent risks involved; try and come up with mitigants for these risks. Discuss all these with your husband (and if the kids are not too young, discuss with them too. Make them understand he implications of all the actions). I'd suggest that you make it a family decision, so everyone will be in the know of why mummy had to go and work in Lagos.
Ultimately, i pray God gives you the wisdom and grace to pull through.
Cheers
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nikinash (f)
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Its never easy making decisions when it comes to family and work. I understand how you feel. I work have a baby. It was excrutiating pain when i had to leave her at two months to go back to work. But i had to. So girl, do what you must do, however do ensure that a very open line of communication is maintained at all times and pray a lot! When your finances improve you might even have grown to love your work, however like someone has said it might help if you guys plan to move to lagos so that the stress of travelling up and down and communication do not become unbearable. also you need to pray real hard that your husband regains his earning power because a man's pride becomes deflated when he can no longer provide for his family. But with God on your side, things will definitely work out, you'll see.
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cooljade (f)
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a big thank you to everyone who has contributed an advice. I'm tuning my mind day and night to welcoming Lagos. my eldest boy is 8 and youngest is 1yr and 2 months.
to those who advised relocating to Lagos, thanks for the thought but, my dream has being to live in the sane, peaceful Abuja and my husband can't stand the rough Lagos life.
i know it would be difficult, closing from work with no one waiting for your return, completing a meal with no kid wanting a piece of meat before dinner is served. at least, I'll put my all into my job.
thanks everyone and wish me endless luck and i pray God will bless you all.
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lovelynk (f)
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No u are not,rather u are the best wife and mother on earth otherwise u wont be having sleepless night over this issue;u will just go to Lagos and make your money send it down to Abuja and that settles it.Just give everything to God in prayers so that his wisdom will guide you in your decision making and don't for get that providing for your children is part of being a good mother.
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Seun (m)
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i love my family more than my life and it makes me cry thinking that my kids will feel i choose my job over them You did. Accept it and move on. If you can't accept it, then don't do it. Stop sitting on the fence! all i want is to sacrifice my happiness to provide a better life and future for them. what do i do? Your children do not need you to "sacrifice" your happiness for them. They need you to be there for them. The truth is that you can find a good job as a legal counsel in Abuja. This Lagos opportunity isn't the only one. I understand that women should be free to pursue their careers, but children must also be free to enjoy the company of their parents. It's up to you both to look for good jobs that will not separate you from your children. |
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igbonla (m)
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@cooljade,
I feel your frustration but will offer my opinion, you still have to make your choice. You are an excellent woman that must be "worshipped" and I salute you.
Please don't do it! I agree with Seun that you can find a legal counsel job in Abuja, you don't need Lagos now.
Your kids are young and your husband will agree to handle them just to let you accept the Lagos job. The effect on the family will be unpredictable even if you fly every weekend; the salary job is not worth it. Your family is all you have, stay with them.
Otherwise have the whole family follow you!
May God continue to guide you.
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osaworld (m)
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Please do it jo!
I think some respondents here are trying to take the moral highground without any attempts at being pragmatic. Common, the lady mentioned her family is passing through some financial challenges. You don't need a soothsayer to paint a picture on how hard it is to get a worthwhile job in our environment. This is no jand or yankee where with the right qualifications, getting a job is relatively easier.
They say a bird in hand is worth more than a zillion in the bush. This might just be her opportunity to improve her family's financial condition. I'll suggest you take the job and still be on the lookout for job openings in abuja. Getting any job - irrespective of appellation - in an oil/gas company no be beans. Just keep your eyes peeled for openings in abuja. Who knows, you might even be able to work out a transfer to abuja if you play your balls right.
I'll say, if your husband is supportive of the move, do it. You can then leverage on that to get a job nearer home.
Just my 2 cents there.
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monkeyleg
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I think everyone has made very valuable contributions, but somehow I tend to agree with Igbonla.
Situations like yhis is were you have to make an extremely wise decision. It might be easy like some have suggested to take the job offer and shuttle over the weekend to see the family, but then again you really can not tell what sort of effect that would have on your family.
My suggestion would be to pray first for God to guide you and your husband to make the right decision what ever it is. Discuss the possibility of your husband moving to Lagos, that is if his job has that sort of flexibility.
I had the experience of being away from my family for 10months, and believe me it was not that easy. I had to give up job offers to return back to where they were. well but that is me. In the grand scheme of things, always remember that God matters most and family comes next.
All the best and may the Spirit lead you and your family to make the best choice ok.
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kaydee (m)
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@ cooljade
How old are your boys? How much do You trust your husband? Thank God you've got all boys.Take this job for the moment but know you can't continue with your family far away.
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trustboy
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Cooljade,
I was faced with a similar situation to yours in 2001 when i had to depart to the UK. It was a very difficult decision to make. I was torn between leaving my wife and 5 kids behind and making a decision to travel to UK.
I will personally advise you to take the job in Lagos in other to improve your families financial situation. From what you have posted above, you love your wife and kids, this love and trust will see you through. Not to take the job probably means throwing away a life changing opportunity. Nothing puts a strain on marital life like financial pressures, if you are able to solve this, all other things would fall in place.
You have to appreciate the fact that your family's separation is for a while, i do hope soon and very soon, your family would become united again. As for me, my entire family is now with me in UK. When i wanted to leave them behind however, lots of gossip were flying around with some saying i was hearthless. The question to ask is, how may of them would have provided for my family if i had chosen to stay behind. Goodluck and may God help you reach the right decision.
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Dis Guy
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Cooljade,
I was faced with a similar situation to yours in 2001 when i had to depart to the UK. It was a very difficult decision to make. I was torn between leaving my wife and 5 kids behind and making a decision to travel to UK.
I will personally advise you to take the job in Lagos in other to improve your families financial situation. From what you have posted above, you love your wife and kids, this love and trust will see you through. Not to take the job probably means throwing away a life changing opportunity. Nothing puts a strain on marital life like financial pressures, if you are able to solve this, all other things would fall in place.
You have to appreciate the fact that your family's separation is for a while, i do hope soon and very soon, your family would become united again. As for me, my entire family is now with me in UK. When i wanted to leave them behind however, lots of gossip were flying around with some saying i was hearthless. The question to ask is, how may of them would have provided for my family if i had chosen to stay behind. Goodluck and may God help you reach the right decision.
she is the wife |
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trustboy
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Am sorry for the error. Makes no difference to my point of view.
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cooljade (f)
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@ seun. thanks for your view, read please,
on my way home last week, i stopped at grand square for a loaf of bread. "mummy, please buy ice cream for me" my oldest son said. "and me too" cried my second son. i checked my wallet for more money as i had just 300 naira at hand and the loaf costs 220. i found a 10 naira note and two 5 naira notes. 100 naira in all. i told my boys I'll buy ice cream the next time we visit grand square.
"oh no mummy, that's all you ever say. next time, tomorrow, later, you never fulfill your promises" i went cold inside as it is true, I've made this promise continuously for 4 months, but still put up a face that showed i was in control. OK, i said, lets go to the ice cream corner.
the corner as usual was full of people waiting on queues. when it was my turn, i leaned forward to the sales girl and in a whisper-like voice asked her if she could sell a 100 naira worth of ice cream to me. "no, madam, our smallest cone goes for 200 naira .sorry, next please".
i briskly walked out and my sons hurried behind me. i avoided their faces and couldn't say a word because i was swallowing hard the tears that were building up out of the disappointment, the shame of another broken promise, the anger of failing my kids. we drove home quietly, silently, i could see their sad faces on the rear-view mirror, that silence was just on the outside because in my heart and mind was a loud war of thoughts.
This, seun, is just one of the many moments I've failed my kids this year. it might just be a tale of ice cream but its a test of faithfulness from a mother to her child. you said i should be there for them. yes, i want to be more than anything. but i want to be there to put smile on their faces, clothes on their body, food on their table and books in their school bag's want to be a mother my children would be proud of, and i know the love I've shown all these years and now will make them see me in a good light.
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Dis Guy
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would it be okay if i ask: is your husband employed or has his own business?
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salsera (f)
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@cooljade
I am not a mother so I can't say I know how you feel
Do what you have to do okay
Keep in mind that you'll call all the time, and travel to abuja as often as possible
God who sees the sincerity of you heart will make a way
Keep you eyes open for opportunites in Abuja and hang in there
When you husband's business picks up in a short while you'll be able to take other opportunites close to home
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Ajodabile
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Cooljade,
Is it possible for the kids to follow you to Lagos, and your husband do the shuttling instead? I assure you, the absence of a mother is a more terrible thing to kids than the absence of a father (some may disagree, buts thats my humble opinion).
I feel your pain, especially with the Icecream story, but your husband should really consider relocating to Lagos. It would solve the entire problem.
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igbonla (m)
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@cooljade,
The ice cream story is pathetic but I am just not moved. Ice cream is no food and we should learn to always tell our kids the truth about our situation. Let's start talking to kids about money so they know it does not grow on trees; it will also be helpful in building them for the future.
That you have a car to move around tells me you are not desperate just that you are not where you would like to be yet.
But your mind seemed made up; so do what you gotta do!
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cooljade (f)
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@ this guy, my husband owns his own business.
please please please readers, the scenario i painted is not for pity sake. its just to share one sad moment.
@igbonla, do you have children? have you ever lived, day after day, calculating on tight budget? a budget that even a kobo spent else where is fatal. my husband and i had 4 cars but have sold 3. the one left is what we use to run around school, market, offices etc. its cheaper maintaining a stress free car in Abuja than using a taxi.
I'll do as some advice, take the Lagos job (i'm resuming on the 2nd of next month) and be on the look out for any job in Abuja since my work place has got no branch in abuja. I'm sure it will be much easier getting a job in Mobil or total after working in Chevron.
thanks again to everyone. love you all.
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Forfavour (m)
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My dear sister,
My own piece of advice is to alway remember & uphold the sanctity of your marriage, every stage in life poses its own challenge(s). Beware of many 'guys' around you that may want to take undue & unholy advantage of you, they are wolves & prentenders all out to satisify their lust dsires @ detriment of others. please alway remember & not compromise the love you have for your husband & children. God will be with you & alway call your family always. Alway pray to God to sustain both you & your husband in a period like this
Accept my congratulation on your appointment.
Forfavour
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drkchoclit (f)
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@cooljade
I just want to say that I wish you well. I'm not with a husband or family, but I know what it is to struggle for everything; when even ice cream is a luxury. Yes, ice cream and treats can be a luxury item for a lot of Americans as well.
When I was younger, there were a lot of things my brothers and I just couldn't have. My parents simply couldn't afford it. It hurt at the time, but then like someone mentioned, parents do need to talk truthfully about the value of money.
You know, when I was a teenager, and I grew tired of "I can't, I can't afford it", I got myself a job. I was old enough to do so, and it taught me independence, and my parents were so proud of me.
When I became an adult living on my own, I had to do the adult things, like pay bills and such. It's not easy! It doesn't feel good to not be able to afford things. You may not be destitute, but you have a right to live at a certain standard.
Part of being an adult is making hard decisions. You have to be "okay" with your motives, and they seem to be in the right place. One day your children will understand, and love you all the more for it. Just talk to them about why you have to do this.
It's a great thing you have the love and support of your husband. But for the sake of your family and marriage (people do get lonely, and they need comforting) I would make a reunion plan as soon as humanly possible. God Bless.
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minniepoe (f)
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@ cooljade
I feel your plight and i fully understand your position. i am happy you have decided to take up the job in Lagos. But i will advice that you always pray to God regularly and with GOD on your side you can make it.
Like you said, your husband does not want to move to Lagos, i would suggest that if possible, after working for some few months say 6, you could opt for a transfer to Abuja that is if the company has a branch there. And if not, seek the face of God as per relocating your family and HE will make a way out.
Your family is very important, you need to be with your kids to take care of them,
Please hold onto God and HE will never fail you. I have this book called the power of a praying wife, power of a praying mother and power of a praying woman. It teaches a lot about the power of prayer and i tell you my sister there is power in praying.
Stay blessed
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Seun (m)
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There is no power in praying. If you don't use your brain to make good decisions, your family will suffer.
How you feel is very important, but feeling right about a decision doesn't make it right. It has to make sense.
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rowlandwhy
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Cooljade,
Go ahead and start your new assignment in Lagos.
Plan to relocate your family to Lagos as soon as you can.
Dont mind about Lagos life whatever, your hubby can cope, there are millions of gentlemen in Lagos too not only rough ones
Who knows if on his relocation to Lagos he might get something tangible doing. You don't know if God wants to use this opportunity to bless your family richly.
I think these suggestions will improve your family's life.
GOOD MUM AND WIFEY
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igbonla (m)
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@cooljade,
I feel you very well and understand all of this. My answer is yes to all of your questions and I have been in worse situation, waking up in the morning with no budget to work on. There was simply no money! But I learnt an important lesson from that situation - when you are down, the only place to go is up.
Chevron does have an Abuja office and I know somebody got relocated there to be with her husband. You can do same after 18months on the job.
All the best
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Aproko (f)
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@ cooljade,
congrats on your employment, its actually a big one. i don't think you have anything to worry about as long as you remain the caring wife and mother you have always been. try to support your husband as much as you can and try not to rub your fat salary in his face. you can always visit abuja from time to time and they can also visit you as well.
all the best and make sure you remain a caring wife and mother and things would turn out better than you expect.
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michelin89 (f)
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You have said your husband is enthusiastic about your job and is willing to give you all his support. Why don't you give a try? Afterall you can always resign from the job is you find it to be harmful to your family. Good luck!
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Olufidu (m)
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@ Seun, There is no power in praying. If you don't use your brain to make good decisions, your family will suffer.
How you feel is very important, but feeling right about a decision doesn't make it right. It has to make sense. Are you an atheist, oga admin?  |
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Seun (m)
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If I was in your position, and the job was very well-paying, i would take it. But I would not have 3 kids.  |
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