Yes, I Believe In The Holy Coconut

In the beginning, the Holy Coconut created the big bang.  And he spoke unto the big bang and said "expand!"  And the big bang expanded and formed the galaxy with all it's stars, moons, and planetary systems including of course the planet earth.  And he spoke unto the oh-so-important planet earth and said "grow!"  And the planet was covered with plants, microorganisms, and all non-conscious living things including spiritual clay.  Finally he spoke unto the spiritual clay and said "awake!"  And the spiritual clay was moulded to form higher animals, human beings, and the devil. 

After those three moments of creation, the Holy Coconut went to sleep for a fourth moment, saying, "I have created a holy universe with equal measures of good and evil.  Praise be unto Me!"

This same Coconut has sent his revelations unto his chosen ones - those who instinctively understand that the universe in all its complexity could only sprung into existence without the manipulations of an Intelligent Coconut.  He has set aside these ones to be kings and priests in the next universe, while those who refuse to believe and confess that the entire Universe is under the control of an Almighty and Holy Coconut will be dismembered tortured in hideous and unimaginable ways for ever and ever.  Do the unbelievers deserve never-ending suffering for their inability to comprehend the idea of a Coconut Deity?  Absolutely!

I was 12 years old when my mother served me with a tasty coconut for dessert.  After the meal, I fell asleep and had a vivid dream: a revelation.  In the revelation, I was being chased by a translucent army of ghosts.  As I ran for my dear life, I stumbled upon a coconut and threw it blindly at them.  Would you believe that when I opened my eyes, Holy Coconut be praised, the murderous ghosts had all disappeared?  The dream was so vivid that I know without a doubt that I would have died if the Coconut had not intervened.  Bad dreams are dangerous like that.  The Holy Coconut mercifully revealed himself to me by saving me from certain death!

After the near death experience, the Spirit of the Holy Coconut started whispering to my heart.  He became my best friend, because I had no friends in real life.  He said unto me, "You shall be called coconut, for I have chosen you to teach the world the Way Of The Coconut."  Being an obstinate kid, I did not immediately drop all my rational pursuits to pursue this Way.  I did not even bother to bug my acquaintances and family about their urgent need to accept the Holy Coconut as Lord.  However, when I was told about how a blog can bring me lots of attention and money, I reluctantly decided to open up and tell the people of the world about my faith.  For their own good.

So please keep reading this blog.  As surely as the Holy Coconut lives, you shall not be disappointed.  Your life will remain meaningless without the dubious and unprovable ideas and opinions that I am eager to start cramming down your throat.

It's for a new blog titled "Holy Coconut".  That's the introduction.  Was it ok?

Lol. I think Seun is trying to create his own Religion.

Hehe.  It's satire stuff just like Naijarita but I want to give it it's own independent blog for endless rambling about the Holy Coconut.

Thanks a million, nferyn!  I am excited about the opportunity to comment about world politics and society from the point of view of someone who is guided by his faith in the Holy Coconut.

The third eye of the Holy Coconut spake unto me and said "whither thou goest" and i said "unto thee oh lamb",  And it shed its clear white blood for the remission of evil. Conn2:4

Believe in my speculation, or perish!  Your maidens and babies shall partake in your just punishment!

This is serious.

Seun u r sick oo. I can't stop laughing.

seun dear when do i finish readn this ur project of a joke?


someone plz summarise

tufe,

if them sumarise give you, break am down fr me oh

because his he is hammer head of horror

Seun i don't know how tu read

he get money?

but he's not a native

go in peace my son

go and sin no more