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sugarplum! (f)
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@NaJaHaJe
thank you so much.
im trying my best but he`s so short tempered and does not like to dwell on conversations that are not favourable to him.
he knows am nothing like any of his ex`s cos av tried showing him and also telling him.
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nana (f)
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Hmmm. . .it seems as if u both didnt get to know each other v.well before saying I DO.
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mellow (m)
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Such men who over protect their wives are dangerouse.
Watch out he doesn't keep chains of girl friends, married ones
invlusive.Hence he cannot trust you.
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sugarplum! (f)
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@ nana
we did. we dated for almost two years before tying the knot
and that is why i find it strange and am concerned that he is now exihbiting this attitude
atleast then, i could still go hang out with friends and go places on my own.
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igbonla (m)
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@sugarplum!
You've only been married for some months and things have started happening! It is not about any of his exes, it is his state of mind. Why was he not like this before the marriage?
Let me give you more gist about my sister so you can wake up and squash this attitude before it grows into a monster.
She got into using antidepressant to keep herself stable when her husband started the nonsense, the husband asked one of my brothers not to visit them because he claimed that a woman should be left alone with her husband once married (I never visited), the guy even borrowed money from us to buy a car and later started abusing every one of us for no reason but all in an attempt to separate us from her. Eventually we left them alone to build their family but it was a grave mistake. The guy went into serious psycho mode with my sister till she became sick, even then, she was still doing my husband, my life!
My sister summoned courage to call my dad that she was packing the marriage up, my dad called us and I led the assault. I told her she wont leave except if we can't resolve it. I only worked on her to build up her courage and she finally confronted the man. The man knew my sister has gotten her support back and didn't have any choice but to slow down.
You surely need help to handle this but it is too early to face this kind of challenge.
La vie est belle!
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junegirl (f)
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@funmeme:
Pls don't do it! Don't for once think he'll change when you both get married, he only get worse. Just read Igbonla's post about his sister and ask yourself if that's the kind of marriage you want. It's not love o, my sister don't be decieved. It's pyschotic obsession.
@sugarplum:
Really? He became this possesive after marriage? Does he have a complex? I mean, are you from a more comfortable background than him, do you have a better job etc? Anyway, what's done is done done, the issue now is how do you handle the situation? First of all, don't let him cut you off from your friends and family. They are the greatest support system in the world. You need them. Number two, are you willing to become a recluse for his sake? Will you be happy if you live your life the way he's trying to make you? If not, don't heed his jealous demands. Only a happy woman makes a good wife and mother to her kids. In as much as marriage is give and take, individual happiness is paramount. Make it clear to him that a reasonable amount of freedom is part of what makes you happy. You love him, you want to be with him but you want your friends in your life as well. If he can't reconcile with that, it means he can't stand you being happy. And that's a major problem.
For all the girls in the house: please note that true love is not possession. That you love a guy doesn't mean you possess him (or vice versa).If you love someone then you should want that person's happiness even if it means his/her being with someone other than you. You only love someone, you can't own him/her. Even a mother does not own her child.
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NaJa HaJe (f)
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@sugarplum
u need to know that quantity is not the same as quality!!!!! you might need to be tough with him if you're going to make your marriage work. He's exhibiting signs of selfishness and your letting him. There is something called tough love. Because a kid does not want to take a bath does not mean you're going to allow that! if there is going to be a fight then let there be. After that he will have to listen.
if you're waiting till he cools down then you'll be waiting for a very very long time
Grow some skin Darling and deal with it!!!!
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Bolarge (m)
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@sugarplum!
Sorry girl but there definitely were tell-tale signs of this kind of attitude while u were
courting that u refused to take cognisance of. This kind of attitude don't show up
overnight. Damage control measures however will include your putting your foot down
now that it's still early in your marriage b'cs whether u admit it or not you're sitting on
a time bomb dearie n' it's only a matter of time before this turns into a viciously abusive
relationship as some earlier posters have highlighted without the help n' support of
family n' friends. Do not hesitate to walk out on him for a few months if u have to. Only
drastic measures like this can sink the message into most twisted guys like this.
Once he realises he's 'bout to lose what matters most in his life to his unfounded insecurity,
he'll have a rethink.
This however should be a last resort. Wish u the very best sweetie.
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sugarplum! (f)
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thank you so much you guys.
i really really appreciate your help.
ive come to realise from your views that in as much as i love him, i do need to also have a life outside my home
i will try my best to make him realise that, no matter how ugly it gets.
thank you all so much for your help and may you find favour in your time of need too.
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NaJa HaJe (f)
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U guys need to understand that they are already married. saying things like they neva knew each other before they got married is not helping Sugarplum and is making things worse for her. That is the talk of divorce.
YOU GUYS NEED TO UNDERSTAND THIS!!!!!
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Bolarge (m)
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You guys need to understand that they are already married. saying things like they never knew each other before they got married is not helping Sugarplum and is making things worse for her. That is the talk of divorce.
YOU GUYS NEED TO UNDERSTAND THIS!!!!! No please don't get me wrong. Let me at least speak for myself though I believe I'd be airing the minds of several earlier posters too. It's not 'bout divorce. It's 'bout taking drastic but necessary measures to prevent an outrightly abusive relationship, tell-tale signs of which are already glaring. Do you know how many women have lost their lives to such simply b'cs they kept quiet instead of seekng help both for themselves n' the disturbed husband? Do we advise her to wait until her husband has shot her like twice before putting meaningful distance between them? Our dear sugarplum! does not need to allow things go too far before she takes meaningful measures and yes, putting some distance between them temporarily is not exactly ruled out. But like I said. . last resort. |
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junegirl (f)
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@ Bolarge:
I second your views completely!
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NaJa HaJe (f)
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@Bolarge & junegirl You guys have got the wrong end of the stick , what am picking on is that your saying 'there were signs of his behaviour before they got married' it sounds like your saying 'u should have known', 'i told you so'. that kind of talk is pointless. thats like crying over split milk. they are married. the deed is done now. the next step is trying to solve this issue. Do u understand me now?  ? |
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GTay (m)
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@ SugarPlum Rather than get depressed, here are two tips for you! Since he's "insecure" according to you. First of all thats not a cause for worrry, you should be more worried if he was nonchalant! N please dont blame your hubby, sometimes the way guys stare and make advances these days i'm even scared of getting married,  1)Have him take you out more often, when an event comes up make it sound like it's gonna be boring without him, in other words make him feel special 2)When u guys go out in public, especially around male company, cling onto him(act like he's the last male on earth) and show him affection, i believe if u do this more often, he will loosen up a little n have more trust in you best of luck! |
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ariblaze (m)
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@joey
i think you probably mean well but seem not to know squat about this issue
same goes to
Bolarge & junegirl
@poster/sugarplum
never ever ever call your husband's bluff
you are guaranteed heartbreak or worse still divorce
the best approach is patience and wisdom as someone rightly said
you need to sit your husband down and make him realise how much his lack of trust is killing you without losing your patience
you might never know , someone he knows might have suffered from an episode
that wants to avoid
do you realise even him(because you sound reasonable thus i expect he is too)
will feel less of a man doing this, but probably figures out that you are more important than his ego
sit him down and explain,
it might be difficult
but its a start, drop your phone around so he senses you have nuthing to hide.
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sugarplum! (f)
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@ Gtay
thank you.will do just that.
@ ariblaze
thank you too.
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junegirl (f)
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@Bolarge & junegirl
You guys have got the wrong end of the stick , what am picking on is that your saying 'there were signs of his behaviour before they got married' it sounds like your saying 'u should have known', 'i told you so'. that kind of talk is pointless.
thats like crying over split milk. they are married. the deed is done now. the next step is trying to solve this issue.
You must have missed my earlier posts. Perhaps you should read them first before passing judgement on me. never ever ever call your husband's bluff
you might never know , someone he knows might have suffered from an episode
that wants to avoid
do you realise even him(because you sound reasonable thus i expect he is too)
will feel less of a man doing this, but probably figures out that you are more important than his ego
but its a start, drop your phone around so he senses you have nuthing to hide.
Sounds like you will do exactly the same thing to your wife! |
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NaJa HaJe (f)
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@junegirl
if you read my comment properly u would have understood that i was not referring to your previous comments but rather to your seconding bolarge's reply.
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Bolarge (m)
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@NaJa HaJe @junegirl Hey! No point gettin upset over this. We're all entitled to our opinions innit? Lighten up y'all. Who knows? Maybe I've been exposed to too many abused women by virtue of my profession. Do you know a man would assault his wife to the point of causing intracranial hemorrhage and the woman would still try to protect him and lie that it was a fall on the staircase in order to protect her marriage?   It took the house-help to actually let us in on what was really going down and even then. . what cld we do?  Eventually it's the woman's choice. . . . . . . . and life. |
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ariblaze (m)
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Sounds like you will do exactly the same thing to your wife! i dont have to be a genuis to understand certain mind dispositions for the record am not married |
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Joey82 (m)
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@ariblaze @joey
i think you probably mean well but seem not to know squat about this issue
same goes to
Bolarge & junegirl
the best approach is patience and wisdom as someone rightly said
you need to sit your husband down and make him realise how much his lack of trust is killing you without losing your patience
If u follwed this thread from d on set, u'll discover @poster has alredy done all this things u're asking her to do now. She's left with no option than 2 b firm and stand for herself. Its nt just 4 now but 4 d future, its better 2 call d bluff and later reconcile or suffer forever, if u were @poster, which will u choose? |
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NaJa HaJe (f)
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@Bolarge
i didnt know anyone was getting upset. when did that happen?
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Bolarge (m)
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My bad. T's d direction it seemed to be heading. Neways we cool?  |
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igbonla (m)
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@sugarplum!
I know you've read all the posts here and will decide how to handle your situation. Whatever the outcome, please let us in on it and don't be ashamed to share your experience. This is the only way we can help each other.
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NaJa HaJe (f)
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@borlage
of course we're cool. nothings wrong with some healthy banter every once in a while,
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Bolarge (m)
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nothings wrong with some healthy banter every once in a while,
Word!  |
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junegirl (f)
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@Bolarge: thank you for clearing the air for me with NaJa HaJe. I was also beginning to wonder o!
@NaJa Haje:
sister, don't misunderstand me. I seconded Bolarge's views on the fact that the woman shouldn't condone an abusive relationship by keeping quiet. And that giving the husband space temporarily should be used as a last measure. I definitely was saying she should've seen it in the man before marrying him. I already asked and she told me he wasn't like that before they got married (and I certainly have no reason not to believe her!) That's why I referred you to my earlier posts.
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junegirl (f)
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correction: I definitely was NOT saying she should've seen it in the man b4 marrying him
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