What A Wife

husband and wife on newyear eve promise eachother not to cheat again but if they ve to they would represent each time with a grain of rice and bring to the table the next newyear eve, and they both agreed
next new year eve, on the table: husband really looking sober with his can of rice seeing his wife an empty can
Husband: as he counts the grains 1 2 3 4 ,,  , 78  honey am really sorry i tried but u know, n the wife interupted.
Wife : honey its alright actually we re having mine for dinner
husband:

Just try to imagine the number of cans of rice the wife has cooked so there would be one can left.

I am sure they'll have enough rice for 10 years!

can u count the amount of rice u eat!

 

lol. funny joke!

I do get it now. She should have compose it better

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the  woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her,  "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The  woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention  that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your  husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For  her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the  world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make  your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock  to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most  beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the  most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be  the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your  husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than  you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's  his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The  frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild  heart attack."





Moral of the story: Women are clever.  Don't mess with them.

  READ THE CONVERSATION: Hello? Hi, this is Raheema calling from Hollywood Hereafter Resources. I just wanted to let you know that your phone number was randomly selected in a drawing and we have reserved a free burial space for you at the New Island Cemetery in Bridge- WHAT?! If you would just give me your name and address. I want to send you a letter to confirm the free burial space we have reserved for you - You reserved what for me, A grave? A free burial space. What's the difference? Well, the word "grave" can be scary sir. You can disregard the letter if you don't want it. This is just a courtesy call to -  How interesting. So, as a Telemarketer, you pick up the phone and cold call people to pitch them with offers? Well, yes sir. We always make sure it is something of potential interest to them - Of course. Who wouldn't be interested in dying? I am definitely interested in a grave. I am. That is a very important decision to make before you die, right? I agree with you sir. You're so open-minded about this. A lot of people don't understand why it is so important to hand-pick your final resting place before you pass on. It ensures you get the kind of burial you want for yourself. I see say na you them send come. I'm sorry? Send, come? Oh, they don't use the witchdoctor in the village anymore, right? They have gone nuclear and now are using Americans. Na you them send come! I'm sorry sir, but I don't know what you're talking about. I get fillage too o! I be proper bush boy and my mama still dey kampe for waterside. Na one phone call e go take and she go run go fillage go get me Gold Circle condom protection, you hear. Una no dey here say e better for somebody? Why na so-so make una dey spoil person own una dey like? I don't understand what you're saying - You go understand by force. Na airmail I go take send winch to you, you hear. Una think say una know winch just because una dey do halloween. You think winch na that abracadabra una dey do for America? You think na to chant poetry and cook soup with lizard yansh and frog tongue be winch? I go show you where we dey use snake leg do ogbonge juju. Black winch, red winch, multi-color winch,  For my fillage, na your eyes I go take flavor the juju. You go know betta winch when my own army land. I do apologize to you if my phone call has offended you in any way -  You have not offended me. I am not offended. Do I sound offended? Why would I be offended because you - kind-hearted telemarketer that you are - reserved a grave for me? Do you know how old I am? 32. In my country, people don't die at 32. When they die so young, it is a major tragedy! My mother and father are still alive. You want me to die before them? I didn't mean anything - You people never mean anything when you make these stupid phone calls. How dare you wish me death -  No, that's not what - I DON'T CARE! Do you know how many years I worked on getting a visa to come to America? 10 years. 10! Do you know how many laws I broke in so many countries before I found my way here? I have been here only 2 years. All the people who gave me loans to buy ticket and visa have not been paid. My mother and father are still waiting for me to perform the magic of Dollars for them in Nigeria. This telephone was just connected 2 months ago because I am just now able to afford a telephone because I cannot make good money due to my illegal alien status. And now, you want me to die before I can even begin to enjoy a little, Ah, your own don spoil o. I swear, e no go betta for you. E no, what? Na hand ya mama and papa go take bury you. And na there eyes them go take cry for you for that yeye grave wey you don reserve for yaself. Are you cussing me sir? Cuss you? Why should I? Why would I want to cuss someone who is offering me a grave? I am only reacting in my local English. That is how we behave when we are overwhelmed with joy in my country. I just had a distinct feeling that you were not saying nice things about me. See this wowo wey craw-craw don chop him yansh finish,  Look, just as an aside, are all the members of your family reserved space in your graveyard? Some of them do have - No, don't stop there. You should get everybody a plot. I go help you use juju finish all of them make una dey go do whassup my dog for Hollywood, abi na where you dey call from. I have to hang up now sir. Before you hang up, would you by any chance know anything about a scam where telemarketers call people on the phone to assure them they have a free burial space, then try to get them to buy expensive mausoleums and crypts? What is it called? Bait and switch, right? I don't know what you're talking about. You get pickin? Get picking? Picking what? You get pickin? You don born bomboy? Mai you dash your pickin the grave now. Dash picking, You' re dissing me? Diss? Dis one pass diss, agaracha. Dis one na K.I.S.S., kiss - serious kiss of death. I have to hang up now sir. No, please wait. Let me reserve the whole cemetery for your unborn children. I will also reserve a full page in the Daily Times obituary section -  That's mean! You can't talk to me like that just because I'm a telemarketer. We are people too. Yes, bad people, People who call me at all kinds of hours to trick me into buying what I don't need. I'm going to report you to the INS! You will be deported! My juju go don finish you before you reach the place! Winch pass winch! You no go die betta, I tell you. I go make sure say them give you craze first, make you waka enter K-Mart abi wetin una dey call market for this side - before them finish you! She reserve grave, Why you no take knife come kill me yaself? E no go betta for - Hello? You hang up? Why you no wait make I finish? Why you no wait? Oloshi! Na dead dog wey get rabies go chop the mouth you take talk to me.     

that wife must be an harlot

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought, 
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids, 
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day, 
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy
Birthday.

And I just sat there, 

On the couch, 



Naked.

Really hope you're not the wfe! . Wonder if you made that up yourself. You should be on stage if you did.

nice jokes

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success
as a millionaire? "
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "Billionaire

Lol

 

 


Mimiko! You rock girl! definitely more funny than phenomenon (no offence meant)


Nice ones