Men And Their Families

Why do men put their family before their wives? I am new to all of this and all I get from the women around me is: he will change. One proudly told me it took her hubby 9 years to change. I am close to my siblings but I keep my boundaries clear. Sweetheart on the other hand will dole out our savings to his family members at the smallest whine and forget that I have been feeding us for months just so we can change the stupid jalopy he currently drives. honestly its not fair and I do now understand why women (my mom in particular) hide their finances from men. Of course I can't tell him about it because he already feels I am against his family (as if that were possible). So, what do I say or do to make him understand that this is a very wrong way to start a marriage? Has anyone out there done something that actually worked to change this pattern? I am truly open to suggestions.

is this money from a genaral purse or from you? If he has been used to helping his family before meeting u and before the marriage, it will speak no good if u make him stop doing that, moreso u don't want the family to label u a bad wife because he stopped fending for his family.

The way u sound is a bit funny, his car is a stupid jalopy - at least he has one - i will never downgeade anything my partner has, even at that things worst condition.

His family is his family - his wife is his wife - two different things - if tha makes him happy  - common let him do it, as long as he doesnt neglect his duty to his wife and his marriage.

I know its not easy to love your husband extended family, but if you really care and love your spouse then try to make friends with them too, about the financial part talk to him that  house problem solves first before outside people's problem.
Remember he was with the extended family before married to you, sonot east tojust forget them.
Goodluck to you.

I am trying to refrain from venting but to enlighten you, lets talk about the car. When I hear the screech the car makes my stomach turns because this car was supposed to have been changed a year ago. He was saving for the car about two years ago, while I took care of other regular expenses such as feeding and some of the bills and then one of his family members came up with an "emergency" and he gave the money away, (needless to say that family member has bought a brand new car today and tells us we have an awful car, and could have done better with the house). After this happened, I agreed to put up part of the money (while still catering to part of the expense of the car repairs). My half is complete, his has been distributed to the family and mind you, he earns a lot more than I do.

When you save a certain amount, it means you do what ou want with the left overs, I have no problem with that. But the same happens with all of his savings. I don't know what we would have done if I hadn't a decent job. We are both from humble backgrounds and I come from a larger family. I help my people as well with the understanding that my husband and kids will come first. His mom is not an issue but, his siblings? Something else.

You are obviously not married or else, you'D know that a spade is a spade whether you ride it or not. No matter how bad his car is I will say so but that doesn't mean we wont ride it together. Maybe now you understand why I hate the car so much. We fix it every week and why was I bearing all other expenses if we were only saving for his family?

One of the reasons I fell in love with my man is because he has a strong sense of responsibility which is much better than a man who spends his money in clubs on friends and strange women. Problem is, his family knows this as well and are taking him for a ride. I really want to maintain the financial transparency that we have but, if he's not going to use this money wisely, why should I continue to deprive myself for the sake of our dreams which he refuses to commit to? Afterall, I hardly spend for myself and I can as well go on "strike" and refuse to contribute to the home.

I have sat him down, I have argued about it, I have nagged, all to no avail. I am close to the end of my rope here and think maybe we did better before we were married when each held their own. But alas, I can't un-marry him now can i? I am really not a complainer by nature and look at what this man has turned me into.

What I need right now is a solution and I need something practical that will work. Any third party is out of it, my parents have been married for over thirty five years and have never had a go between. I take theirs as an example and want to solve this myself, in the confines of our home, without a third party, and without being labeled the witch.

i think it is rampant with most men

Hi Cenn,

Your husband is too generous. I would have told off that sibling mocking his car! It sounds like he doesn't know how to say no even if it means not meeting his own basic needs like fixing the car.

Anyway, I think at this point, it is time to look into going to counseling with your pastor or a licensed marriage counselor.

Also, it may work out better for the two of you to have one main account for household expenses and two separate accounts for discretionary stuff. All of my stuff with my hubby is joint, but I know women who enjoy having a joint account and a separate one too. They swear by that.