Memoirs Of An Ex Corper.

This did not go down well wit her as she started lamenting all over again, i just switched my mind off her frequency, when she realised that she was becoming a nuisance she took her leave. Jessy didnt give up easily as i expected she started hanging around a particular guy i knew very well wit d intention 2 make me feel jealous and then fight 4 her.( that is d last thing i would do in my LIFE) The dramatic irony of d issue is that prior 2 this time d so called guy in question had come 2 me and asked if there was anything serious between jessy and i as he wldnt want 2 offend me by overstepping his boundary. My reply would sure suprise u guys.

I told d guy that she was just a friend and was nothing serious so he was free 2 sow his wild oats. When she realised that tactics wasnt making any effect on me and that d smart alec had played a fast one on her, she was then looking 4 a way 2 sweet talk me knowing fully well that i must have heard d stories flying about (what is my business,am even happy that she would leave me in peace) she started narrating d story which i listened 2 half heartedly and was happy when it came 2 an end. As she was about pushing d conversation forward i checked my wrist watch and told her i had 2 go as it was time 4 my platoons dance and drama group presentation. that am really sorry 2 put an end to the conversation. I guess she figured out i was bored and wanted 2 discharge her,she left and i was off 2 meet my new catch who at least wasnt d nagging type.    

The so much awaited match that we put so much hope in 2 win finally came and as usual in high spirit our boys were fully prepared. We held on 2 our opponent 2 a zero-zero score line till d end of d match. Due 2 time constraint we had 2 go into penalities, d penalties favoured us until our player lost d fourth penalty and we were hoping that our keeper would save d day 4 us but unfortunately 4 us we lost out and were out of d competition. Not allowing our loss 2 dull my spirit off i went 2 cheer our girls  who were also having their volley ball match simultaneously. D girls  unlike d guys were able 2 record another win again. I will definately be wit d girls wit 2 all d neccessary instrument 2 cheer them 2 victory in d next match.  

Which was standing erect like 2 soldiers at alert waiting 4 orders. I can't remember how  i removed all d obstructions before me and gunned 4 d t*ts sucking all available nutrients like a starved baby. Her soundtrack was a booster which gave me an inner satisfaction. I was caught off guard as she started hitting below a resultant effect of what was happening up. She took d bolder step and was planning 2 annoit my me. 2 ensure maximum satisfaction i brought out my Durex (strawberry flavour) so that she cld feel d strawberry tatse when d annoiting process goes on. When Mimi started i lost my mind, i cldnt control myself my body was vibrating. Am certainly sure i havent had it this good, Mimi is a b**w job expert, i hope she attaches this 2 her resume when we are through wit youth service. She didnt let go until i exploded and  after which urs sincerely tried 2 complete d next task which was d KOKO.        Signning out!!! Keep u updated if by 2morow am a still a member of nairaland.  

The morning exercise took a new dimension d next day, we were allowed 2 jog outside d camp which was a welcome relief  as it would give us d oppournity of seeing d outside world after been kept within d camp in d last 2 weeks, as we were jogging we were singing at thesame time which our way of catching our fun. D speed at which some korpershun were carring out this task one wldnt doubt that there was some 'shepe' in their system. As interesting as jogging it was as if we will never reach where we would make d U-turn and head back to the camp, urs sincerely was already wornout as an aje-butter that didnt like unneccessary stress. Luckly 4 me my eagle eye sighted what looks like a plank market and i decided 2 rest there wit other aje butter like me. We waited 4 them until they must have made d U-turn in God knows where and were on their way back. Since d arrangement was on platoon basis i waited until d platoon before mine arrived then i joined them at the back after which i delibrately reduced my speed so that i would be able 2 blend wit my platoon which were coming at my back. before u know it i was among d top six in d front (wit mago mago d last don become d first) wit my morale so high i was among d first twenty by d time we got back to the Cage sorry Camp.  

Choosing a female representative 4 d MISS NYSC BEAUTY PAGEANT almost caused a serious problem in my platoon, after much delibration we finally settled 4 one slim looking beauty who had experience in d beauty pagent stuff, although there some people ( mostly female) in d platoon that disagreed wit her been d best choice 4 d competition and this is premised on d fact that what does she have that we don't have so why not us instead of her. (that is ladies for you they always feel jealous anytime another of their specie is chosen over them 4 whatever reason)  Was it two or three days to the pagent,our representative had 2 leave d camp ground 2 attend 2 a very important matter in d neighbouring state after obtaining d mandatory permission from d Camp Director. During her absence some ladies in d platoon planned a palace coup and replaced her with another slim looking but saucy girl,this did not come to the knowledge of everybody until our representative came back from her trip and had 2 attend the meeting meant for d intending contestants, it came as a shock 2 her when she was shown d way out and told that our platoon was already represented by someone. Few guys in d platoon who felt she was a better choice 4 d platoon including urs sincerely took up d matter desipte stiff opposition from those in support of that saucy thing with toothpick legs (that am yabbing isnt because i have asked her and she turned me down, its just that she is lucky 2 be 'somehow pretty' i guess this has gone straight into her small head and she talks 2 anybody wit disrespect which i can't stand) d war wasnt easy and 4 d first time d normal law that applies didnt work this time around as it was minority that carried d day while d majority had no choice but 2 allow us 2 be. When d particular day finally came u would be suprise at d number people that were around 2 help out, 2 be precise there was just a girl and 3guys. Just 4 of us were d people responsible 4 her makeup, choice and change of attire as she had 2 appear in 3 or 4 different outfits, carrying her mobile wardrobe  

On my way to the hostel  after d pagent, though i was wit a friend and were gisting about d outcome of d competition. There was some that was at a walking distance away from us even though we cldnt figure out if it was a he or she because it was dark, suddenly d person slumped, reacting quickly we rushed 2 where d person was and my friend had 2 pick her up like a baby and despite her weight he started running towards d Clinic, i ran after them panting heavily as if i was d one carrying d girl. When we got to the Clinic there were only 2 doctors around and they didnt look like they knew what 2 do afterall they were baby doctors (doctors that were just through wit medical school)  so we shouldnt expect much. D girl started struggling seriously and some people in d clinic had 2 come 2 our help as it was a 2 men task. Instead of d doctors swinging into action they started asking us her medical history as if we knew her from Adam. They eventually did something reasonable by applying d gun like inhaler that asthmatic patient uses, on her and this calmed her down 4 d main time. When we thought she was at least calming down she started struggling and wanted 2 stretch her body at full stretch and i had 2 tell d guys around that we have 2 bend her legs even if it breaks in d process as our failure 2 do this will lead 2 us having a dead body on our hands in d next minutes. You might be wondering how i knew this, am not a medical doctor, i have no medical experience infact i read a course in d humanities which rules me out, but something happened  when i was just eleven years old, it was a sunday and precisely in d afternoon, i still don't remember till date what i was looking 4 in my aunt's room particular day, i saw lifting her legs up and was planning 2 stretch her body in an horizontal position, intially i was confused  but as little as i was i knew something wasnt right so i ran to the sitting room 2 alert those that where there.

As every journey begins wit just a step so was my days in d orientation camp wast fast coming 2 an end. 2days before we were 2 leave d camp we had what was called Camp Fire night every platoon were expected 2 cook different delicacies which would be presented before d judges who would select d platoon who prepared d best meal and each platoon would have a once in a life time oppournity of dancing around d camp fire, in a nutshell it more of a sendoff party 4 d corpers. Most platoons utilised d early part of d day in preparing 4 d night and ours wasnt left out. We occupied a piece of land and turned into a makeshift kitchen. although d NYSC Authority provided some foodstuffs and cooking ingredients but we had 2 supplement it, putting into consideration d number of people in my platoon. The guys had 2 slaughter d goat, skin it and cut it into small pieces. They were also responsible 4 d movement of all cooking utensils viz Big cooking pot, turning stick, frying pot etc  from d general kitchen 2 our side of d makeshift kitchen. While we were through wit this we then expected this girls 2 take over, that was when drama started as they were appearing & disappearing at intervals each having one excuse or d other 2 leave. After much persuasion & pleading some agreed to do the cooking (thank God ! O) their initial refusal 2 cook can't be farfetched and one does not need a Dibia (native doctor) 2 know that it was either this girls lack d basic knowledge of cooking with firewood or they were probably scared of making a plunder by cooking 4 a large number of people since they were used 2 cooking d meal of an average family of six.

Guys hell fire wldnt be easy, maybe we shld reconsider and try our best 2 make heaven because if d heat is like this when standing beside it I wonder how it would be inside it? Anyway that is a story 4 another day. I submited my foodflask (i hope u havent 4gotten my customised flask) 4 my share of d jollof rice, goat meat and salad. As u know it wasnt difficult 2 fish out among d large number of foodflask after d girls had served d refugee ration into all d flask.  I hanged around wit some friends and we sure had a swell time. Around 1am I left 4 my hostel 2 rest after d day's stress, it was at this point that i realised that i was hungry, i then decided 2 do justice 2 my food, d rice was managable though its easy passage was aided by d salad and d dissapointing part was that they gave me 2 bones that look like meat, Haba! after all d work i did in d kitchen 2day is it d way 2 compensate me. Anyway i leave am 4 God hand!

Because she would start asking questions about why i had to buy this? & who i was buying them for? As if it was any of her business. My intention was to pick some leather slippers & bags 4 my siblings and most especially Nina my girlfriend as her birthday was just 7days away i just hope am in Lagos before that day. I was assisted by a young lady called Blessing (she isnt a corper) who helped me 2 select what i wanted & i really appreciated her assistance. On second thought i decided 2 pick a sliver bead like chain with a love pendant for Kimberly ( i knw u might want 2 jump to conclusion that there must be something serious 4 me 2 buy that 4 her anyway am sorry 2 dissapoint u there is nothing of such) a good friend of mine right from my teenage days, although when i was sixteen we got fresh but we both realised it was more of infatuation than LOVE so we decided it was best we remained friends and i guess we have tried our best over d years so i think she deserves that it. Off i went to the parade ground 4 d passing out parade and after what seems like an eternity we were dismissed and it was time to know our fate. Receiving d positing letter would definately favour some people while some will cry, i only hope i wldnt fall into that category. Mimi received hers before me and i had 2 comfort her because my sweet girl is going straight to one remote Local Government, if only they cld send me 2 thesame place with her so that she would have my shoulders to cry on abi is my shoulder not wide enough 4 a beauty like Mimi 2 lean on. Anyway things didnt happen that way urs sincerely was posted 2 a school at d outskirt of d capital and a Corper that was a set before us who knew d so call school took d pains of telling me that there was no electricity,no network,no portable water and that i was about 2 loose one year of civilisation. I consoled myself and hope that God has a reason 4 positing me 2 that place. I went 2 retrieve my things from where it was kept and went to look for the bus that would take me 2 my destination.

Still lost in thought the bike man arrived at the school, the school building reminded me of the pre-colonial era even though I wasnt born then. The car park wa s filled with uncountable number of bicycles and a couple of motorcycle which I assume would be for the principal and few teachers who cld afford it. I got the direction to the Principal's office after much gesticulation and continous repitition of the word 'principal' much to my suprise the principal understands English perfectly,infact i was impressed and I guess I agree with the saying don't judge a book by its cover. The warm reception the principal gave me was as if he had been expecting me and I knew that convincing this man to reject me wldnt be an easy task. Not easily giving up i threw the first shot, i started complaining about the  environment most especially the dust which cld be a threat to my health and probably end up been asthmatic. The principal seems to be sympathetic to my intending plight but that didnt stop him from signing my acceptance letter and beaming 1000watt smile to me as if i was the best thing they ever sent to his school. At this point I knew there was no way out i was destined to be in this school. My host, the principal took me around the school and even took me to the staff quarters where he said I cld stay throughout my service year for free and that I was entitled to a 3 by 6 mattress, pillow, blanket, stove, bush lamp, mat and a clay pot for my drinking water. I think that was his way of saying welcome to the STONE AGE.

Home, Sweet Home! There is no place like home, my family treated me so special that i began 2 feel have been for six months while its actually just three weeks three days. Anyway, i think it is just their way of saying they really miss me and they are glad to have the clown in their family back. Nina's birthday was taken care off eventhough it was just two of us, since thresome would ruin whatever we have planned, if u have got a dirty mind please don't go there it is off limit!!!  I couldnt believe the drilling in camp made me lose weight, though not much just 2 inches off my waist-line, don't worry my belt would hold my pants from falling off. I had abundance of what i was deprived off in camp 'SLEEP' If u care to know, i had sisesta for the next two weeks which was something i rarely do, this did not disturb me from hitting my bed 10pm everynight. The bottom line is that u can't cheat nature, no matter how long u would surely pay.

don't get me wrong there are some people that might just like you for been a nice person, that makes them good friends but am sure they would benefit from ur niceness. If i had decided to leave for the state i was posted to after the two wks break, i would have made a lousy mistake and would have missed quite a lot. To start with, meeting people from different part of my country cld be thrilling if u know what i mean. In LAG where i stay we are used to the yorubas, (comprising of all descendants of oduduwa even though the ijebu and egba don't like themselves) ibo ( assumed to comprise of all those that don't speak either yoruba or hausa language) and Hausa, the picture we have of them are the ones that sell potatoes at mile 12 and those that sell goat at Suru-Alaba at Ojoo. But we are looking at different picture here, meeting and knowing people from all the geo-political zones, knowning the difference between an Ishan and Urobo man even though they are both fond of ogogoro (local Gin) seeing the great difference between the polished Ibo guys and girls am used to in LAG and the raw ones i met during my service year. don't take this personal, you guys are safe my grandmother is from that area though she is late.   

If ur social studies teacher did teach you all this, i guess u are lucky, mine didnt maybe it was yanked off the syllabus during time. Anyway aside that i have learnt a lot about LIFE, that i didnt learn in more than two decades that have made planet earth my home. Man was and is still the greatest of creation of GOD. Man can be so kind, offering you and helping hand when u need it and when u don't. Ready to feed u when u are hungry and likewise when it is obvious u would throw-up. Pull u down for just one reason so that he can move up. Deny u just to save his face in-front of another homosapien. Criticise others while he isnt better than those he paints black. Much more subtle than the snake that deceived his grandparents at the Garden of Eden. Gives u a 1000watt smile whereas he just paid the marksman to eliminate you. Sees you the next Morning, says the best Good morning you have ever heard and there is no iota of suprise that u survived. He would definately pull down the marksman before he has anything damaging to tell you. However, that wldnt stop him from hiring another marksman!!!  I hope u live to tell the story!

I guess you must be a Celebrity (a local one of course) that what you do or don't becomes a thing of interest and subject of discussion. The interest starts from our nutritious your breakfast is, how extravagant ur life style is, why spend little or no time at home? Why someone who claims to be responsible comes home late at night? Who u might be dating presently and why can't you just do what everybody around you is doing? As if this dosent piss you off when you fall sick they want to know if its love related fever or penile related disease as malaria fever isnt a considered option.

I use to think girls were the best in gossiping until i knew guys were catching up. How can u explain this, after spending so much time, money and energy scoping a girl and just for things to click one four feet seven inches guy from nowhere who feels God has been unfair to him and has a running battle with low self esteem makes a mess everything. I sincerely know this guy dosent like me but at least he never fails to greet me on daily basis. Care to know what he did, he told the girl that am bi-sexual, honestly if he had said i am gay it would have been okay and i would have look for the grace no matter how hard to forgive him, simply because after much persuasion the girl would allow me to prove i wasnt gay and i would have done that hereby reaping the fruit of ur labour. This guy wasnt through with me like i had imgagined he also told another chick that i didnt know was secretly admiring me and would have allowed me to peruse her anatomy that i wasnt a man, that was an attack on my libido which i wldnt take slightly. Give me one good reason why I should forgive this guy, please just one reason apart from the fact that he sees me as a threat.