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Migines (m)
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The Confession
Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.
"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"
"I'd rather not say who it was."
"Was it with Betty Smith?"
"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While
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Migines (m)
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Personals
« #450 on: December 12, 2007, 11:32 AM » |
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Personals
A man was unemployed and bored, so he decided to sunbathe in the nude. His privates got badly burned, due to the fact it had never before seen the sun.
His wife came home that night and they had sex. While his wife slept, he looked for relief from the sting. He went to the refrigerator to find something cold to put on his body and only found milk. He poured some in a glass and dipped his privates into it.
His wife came in, slapped the side of her head and marveled, "So that's how you load the thing!"
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Migines (m)
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Lawyers
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Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.
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Q. Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A. Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and night crawlers.
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Q. What's the definition of a lawyer?
A. A mouth with a life support system.
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Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new car.
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Q. Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A. No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
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Q. What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A. The caterer.
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Q. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A. Other lawyers look interested.
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Q. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
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Q. What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.
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Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
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Q. If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A. Who cares?
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Q. What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A. You always hear about them, but you never see them.
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Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.
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Q. What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A. Jewelry.
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Migines (m)
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@bagoma
here ed'is.
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kronkykay (m)
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miggy don come again oh
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Migines (m)
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Lol
ha hn, not yet.
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Migines (m)
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Airline Announcements
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Here are some humorous statements made by airline flight crews,
"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane, "
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all want to go there I really don't know."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land, it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
Pilot - "Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination day. If you get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you can't get to it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush. Have a nice day."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched asthey leave the aircraft.
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA, !"
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry, Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"
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clemcykul
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lol dearie this one rocks for sure! got really grining and smiling all through  one love! |
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Migines (m)
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Ne thing to make u happy dear.
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ituen (m)
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O boy, fire down
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Migines (m)
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37 Pick-up Lines
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
2. Nice legs, what time do they open?
3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell out of me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
15. Are those real?
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
2
2. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?
23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
24. My name is (name), remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
32. want to come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?
33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover, you shouldn't go home without me.
34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
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Migines (m)
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You are over 21
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the
cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber
saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He
told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because
I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still
refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the
robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he
put the scotch in the bag.The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The
cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber
that he got off the license.They arrested the robber two hours later.
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Migines (m)
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WARNING: These are RUDE.
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.
Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A. You know she'll swallow.
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie,"only you do it yourself.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.
Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"
Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
A. "Honey, I'm home!"
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went,
Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Q. How can you tell a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hair balls.
Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?
A: Crust.
Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.
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Migines (m)
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Rules of the Modern World
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to If at first you don't
succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their
level of incompetence.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary is:
You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project
Management at its best).
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Migines (m)
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Teaching Math in,
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his
profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What
is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M"
of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each
element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots
representing the elements of the set "M". The set
"C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points
than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set
"M" and answer the following question: What is the
cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your
assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger
makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a
living? Topic for class participation after answering
the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels
feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no
wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves
its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital
gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his
stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no
longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on
benefits and when demand for their product is down the
logging work force can easily be cut back. The average
logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3
weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and
medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50
an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 1998:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to
its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the
corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid
half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the
rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its
remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the
spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable
trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the
Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the
company from all federal regulation. What is the
return on investment of the lobbying costs?
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Migines (m)
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Little Johnny the Conductor
Little Johnny was in the kitchen playing with his toy train as his father cooked dinner.
Little Johnny stopped the train and said, ''All you damn assholes who want to get off, get the hell off. All those who want to get on, get the hell on!''
''Little Johnny!'' exclaimed his father. ''I can't believe you are using that language! You should be ashamed of yourself! I want you to go to your room and don't come back until you have thought about what you've done!''
So Little Johnny goes to his room and comes back an hour or so later.
He resumes playing with his train, only this time when he stops it he says, ''All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off, you may now get off, and those who want to get on, you may now also get on. And as for those of you who have a problem with the hour delay, talk to the asshole in the kitchen!''
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Migines (m)
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Bubba
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my privates on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his privates and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"
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Migines (m)
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Bubba
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my privates on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his privates and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"
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Migines (m)
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LITTLE JOHNNY CRIES
On the way home from the christening of his baby brother in church, Little Johnny sat in the back seat, unusually quiet and sad.
His father noticed him crying and asked,
"What's wrong, little Johnny?"
Between sniffles little Johnny replied, "That priest said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want
to stay with you!!"
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Migines (m)
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LITTLE JOHNNY'S ESSAY
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
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Migines (m)
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LITTLE JOHNNY GRADES ON MY NERVES
Little Johnny was getting bad grades in school. One day
he stepped up to the teacher's desk, and announced, "I don't want to scare you Miss Finch, but daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."
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Migines (m)
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LITTLE JOHNNY TELLS A STORY
Little Johnny sees his father's car passing the playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees his father and his aunt Jane "hugging" in the parked vehicle.
Johnny finds this very exciting and can barely contain himself so he runs home and starts to tell his mother,
"I was at the playground and I saw daddy's car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I went to look for them and I saw daddy giving aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then aunt Jane lay down on the seat, then daddy, "
At this point, Johnny's mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Johnny's mother asks him to tell his story, so Johnny starts to talk, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and,
", then daddy and aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and uncle Richard used to do when daddy was in the army."
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Migines (m)
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LITTLE J-J-J-JOHNNY
Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, when his teacher states the fact that only humans stutter, and no other animal in the world does.
Johnny raises his hand and says. "You're wrong, Miss Finch!"
"Really, would you mind telling us why that is Johnny?," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss Finch, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch. The neighbors' Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went "fffff! fffff! fffff!", and before he could say "mess!", the dog ate him!"
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kronkykay (m)
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little' johnny don surfer for miggz hand
keep making my day son.
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Migines (m)
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MISSING HUSBAND
Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday.
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Migines (m)
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MISSING HUSBAND
Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday.
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Migines (m)
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END OF THE WORLD
When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
USA Today: WE’RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria’s Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: BYE
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW
IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady’s Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS. BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW
“ARMAGEDDON” DIET!
America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15
MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft’s Web Site: IF YOU DIDN’T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD
SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.
Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!
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Migines (m)
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WHY THE CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against
us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by
unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled
habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the
wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting
a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there
is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road
syndrome. Can you believe this?!? How much more of this can real
Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars.
And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the
government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going.
I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.
No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a
serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream
of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road,
or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE
I invented the chicken!
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken
THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the
road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
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Migines (m)
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an
electron." The other says, "Are you
sure?" The first says, 'Yes, I'm
positive."
if you don't know science, don't comment.
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Migines (m)
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A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its
mind which way it wants to go.
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