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Migines (m)
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overdose
little johnny's mum and her and her husband's sex
life wasn't doing that great. So she went to the
doctor and the doctor gave her a bottle of pills
and ordered her to put one pill into her husbands
coffee every morning. So the first morning she
does as the doctor said and that night the sex
was great, so the next day she decides to put two
pills in and instantly the husband is horny.
Finally, on the thrid day she puts the whole
bottle in and it's CRAZY, all day they just had
sex. A couple of days later the doctor called to
see how everything was going and johnny
answered the phone. The doctor asked, "How's your
daddy been?" johnny answered, "Well, let's put
it this way, my mom's dead, my sister's
preganent, my ass hurts, and my dad's on the
front porch saying Here Kitty Kitty Kitty"!!!
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Migines (m)
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There was a man who really took care of his body.
He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.
One morning he looked into the mirror admiring
his body and noticed that he was sun-tanned all
over, with the exception of his privates. So he
decided to do something about that. He went to
the beach, completely undressed himself, and
buried himself in the sand, except for his privates,
which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling
along the beach, one using a cane to help her get
along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the
sand, the lady with the cane began to move the
privates around with her cane.
Remarking to the other little old lady, she said,
"There really is no justice in the world." The
other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by
that?"
The first little old lady replied, "Look at
that."
When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was
30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I
prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing
wild, and I'm too old to squat."
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Migines (m)
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A guy walks into a bar and says to bartender give
four shots of your best scotch right now. The
bartender pours them up and sets them in front of
the man. The man slams back all four of them one
right after the other.
Bartender says "man you must be in a hurry"
The man says "you would be to if you had only
twenty-five cents."
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Migines (m)
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Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.
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Migines (m)
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A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to
each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each
morning would look in his garden and pick up one
of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he
looked into his garden and saw that the hen had
laid an egg in the Englishman's garden.
He was about to go next door when he saw the
Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up
to the Englishman and told him that the egg
belonged to him because he owned the hen. The
Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid
on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the
Scotsman said, 'In my family we normaly solve
disputes by the following actions: I kick you in
the groin and time how long it takes you to get
back up, then you kick me in the groin and time
how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets
up quicker wins the egg.'
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman
found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on,
he took a few steps back, then ran toward the
Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the
balls.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his
nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually
the Englishman stood up and said, 'Now it's my
turn to kick you.'
The Scotsman said, 'Keep the damn egg.'
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Migines (m)
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The Dictionary: what engineers say and what they mean by it
Major Technological Breakthrough
Back to the drawing board.
Developed after years of intensive research
It was discovered by accident.
The designs are well within allowable limits
We just made it, stretching a point or two.
Test results were extremely gratifying
It works, and are we surprised!
Customer satisfaction is believed assured
We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all.
Close project coordination
We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.
Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties
We are working on something else.
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period
We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
A number of different approaches are being tried
We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem
We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
The entire concept will have to be abandoned
The only guy who understood the thing quit.
Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties
We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.
Essentially complete.
Half done.
We predict,
We hope to God!
Drawing release is lagging.
Not a single drawing exists.
Risk is high, but acceptable.
100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we may
have a 50/50 chance.
Serious, but not insurmountables, problems.
It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager.
Not well defined.
Nobody has thought about it.
Requires further analysis and management attention.
Totally out of control.
The project is designed for high availability.
Malfunctions will be blamed on the operators mistakes.
This project has low maintenance requirements.
We wouldn't let the technicians change a light bulb, much less fool around with our baby.
The software is being developed without excessive process overhead.
The documentation will be written in clear and lucid Chinese.
The delivery is scheduled for the last quater of next year.
This leaves us plenty of time to decide who to blame for it being late
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Migines (m)
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A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a
drink. "Get out" says the bartender. "I don't
serve drunks here".
The drunk staggers out the front door, only to
come back in through the side door. He sits at the
bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink. "I just
told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!".
The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the
side door and, comes back inside through the back
door.
Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for
a drink. The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at
the drunk and yells "I told you, no drunks
allowed, now get out!!!". The drunk looks up at
the bartender and slurs "How many fuckin' bars
do you work at, anyway?"
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Migines (m)
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A man entered a tattoo parlor on the lower west
side and wanted to get a tattoo.
'What can I do for you?' asked the tattoo artist.
'Well,' the man replied, 'I want a $100 dollar
bill tattooed on my donger.'
'I've never that request before. Do you mind if I
ask why?'
'Well, I really like watch my money grow. I also
love to play with my money and, I'll tell you, My
wife can blow a hundred dollar's better than
anyone I've known!'
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Migines (m)
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Bill Clinton is in an elementary class and is
trying to teach the students what a tragedy is.
He asks if anyone knows. One kid stands up and
says, "I know. If I was in the street and got hit
by a car, that would be a tragedy."
Clinton says, "No son, that would be an
accident."
Another kid stands up and says, "I know. If we all
were on a field trip and the bus went flying over
a cliff, that would be a tragedy."
Again, Clinton says, "No son, that would be a
great loss."
The children are silent and then one kid stands
and says, "If you and Mrs. Clinton were on Air
Force One and it just all of a sudden blew up and
you both died, that would be a tragedy."
Clinton thinks and then asks, "Now why would you
think that is a tragedy?"
The kid replies, "Well, because it definately
wouldn't be an ACcident. and it sure as hell
wouldn't be a Great Loss!!!"
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Migines (m)
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MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T , ).
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
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Migines (m)
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A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman
shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,
"I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said,
"God, I wish I had your willpower."
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ayusman16 (m)
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nice jokes man!
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Migines (m)
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Little Johnny in tears
Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears.
"That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"
"I did!" sobbed Johnny.
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Migines (m)
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Down memory lane
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't el
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Migines (m)
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LITTLE JOHNNY UNDER THE BED
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed putting a condom onto his privates in preparation of sex with his wife.
Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously "Whatcha doin daddy?"
His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied
"Whatcha going to do, f*@#% him?"
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Migines (m)
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LITTLE JOHNNY'S 1st DAY
Little Johnny comes home from his first day of school. His mother asks, "What did you learn in school today?"
Little Johnny replies, "Not much. They want me back tomorrow.
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Migines (m)
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horse
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper
one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when
his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on
the back of his head with a huge frying pan. He
asks, 'What was that for?'
She replies, 'What was that piece of paper in
your pants pocket with the name Marylou written
on it?'
He says, 'Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when
I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name
of one of the horses I bet on.'
She is appeased and goes off to work around the
house. Three days later he is once again sitting
in his chair reading and she repeats the frying
pan swatting.
He says, 'What's that for this time?'
She answered, 'Your horse called.'
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Migines (m)
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There was this male engineer, on a cruise
ship in the Caribbean for the first time.
It was wonderful, the experience of his
life. But, it did not last. A hurricane
came up unexpectedly. The ship went down
almost instantly.
The man found himself, he knew not how,
swept up on the shore of an island. There
was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No
person, no supplies, nothing. The man
looked around. There were some bananas
and coconuts, but that was it. He was
desperate, and forlorn, but decided to
make the best of it. So for the next four
months he ate bananas, drank coconut
juice and mostly looked to the sea for a
ship to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beech
stroking his beard and looking for a ship,
he spotted movement out of the corner of
his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship?
No, from around the corner of the island
came this rowboat. In it was the most
gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at
least seen in 4 months. She was tall,
tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the
sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal
quality. She spotted him also as he was
waving and yelling and screaming to get
her attention. She rowed her boat towards
him.
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you
come from? How did you get here"? She
said, "I rowed from the other side of the
island. I landed on this island when my
cruise ship sank" "Amazing," he said, "I
didn't know anyone else had survived.
How many of you are there? Where, did you
get the rowboat? You must have been
really lucky to have a rowboat wash up
with you?"
"It is only me," she said, "and the
rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else
did." "Well then," said the man, "how did
you get the rowboat?" "I made the rowboat
out of raw material that I found on the
island," replied the woman. "The oars
were whittled from Gum tree branches, I
wove the bottom from Palm branches, and
the sides and stern came from a tree".
"But, but," asked the man, "what about
tools and hardware, how did you do that?"
"Oh, no problem," replied the woman,
"on the south side of the island there is
a very unusual strata of alluvial rock
exposed. I found that if I fired It to a
certain temperature in my kiln, it melted
into forgeable ductile iron. I used that
for tools, and used the tools to make the
hardware.
But, enough of that," she said. "Where
o you live?" At last the man was forced
to confess that he had been sleeping on
the beach.
"Well, let's row over to my place," she
said. So they both got into the rowboat
and left for her side of island. The
woman easily rowed them around to a wharf
that led to the approach to her place.
She tied up the rowboat with a
beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked
up a stone walk and around a palm tree,
there stood an exquisite bungalow painted
in blue and white. "It's not much," she
said, "but I call it home. Sit down
please, would you like to have a drink?"
"No," said the man, "one more coconut
juice and I will puke." "It won't be
coconut juice," the woman replied, "I
have a still, how about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement,
the man accepted, and they sat down on
her couch to talk.
After a while, and they had exchanged
their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me,
have you always had a beard?" "No," the
man replied, "I was clean shaven all of
my life, and even on the cruise ship."
"Well if you would like to shave, there
is a man's razor up stairs in the cabinet
in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer
questioning anything, went upstairs to
the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a
razor made from a bone handle, two shells
honed to a hollow ground edge were
fastened on to its end inside of a swivel
mechanism. The man shaved, showered and
went back down stairs
"You look great," said the woman, "I
think I will go up and slip into
something more comfortable." So she did.
And, the man continued to sip his Pina
Colada. After a short time, the woman
returned wearing fig leafs strategically
positioned and smelling faintly of
gardenia. "Tell me," she asked, "we have
both been out here for a very long time
with no companionship. You know what I
mean. Have you been lonely, is there
anything that you really miss? Something
that all men and woman need. Something
that it would be really nice to have
right now." "Yes there is," the man
replied, as he moved closer to the woman
while fixing a winsome gaze upon her.
"Tell me, Do you happen to have an
Internet connection?"
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Migines (m)
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A prostitute walks into H & R Block to do her
taxes and a consultant starts typing her info into
the computer. Name, address, date of birth and so
on then he asks her what her occupation is.
She boldly stated "I'm a whore". He tells her
"lady, I can't put that in the computer you will
have to come up with something else." Well she
said "I don't know what to tell you I'm a whore."
"Listen lady you really have to come up with
something else or we can't go on." She thought
for a minute and said "OK, I'm a chicken farmer."
He replies, "Chicken farmer? What makes you think
you're a chicken farmer?" "Well," she says, "last
year I raised over 1,000 cocks"
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Migines (m)
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Around lunchtime Sheryl left school and headed for home, crying because her first period had started and she had no idea what it was. The girl's teacher was reluctant to get involved, so she suggest Sheryl talk to her mum. She was walking home when she ran into little Johnny.
"Why are you crying?" asked little Johnny. "I'm crying because I'm bleeding," she replied. "Give me a look," said little Johnny. She lifted her skirt and showed him. "Fuckin' hell!" said little Johnny. "No wonder you're bleeding - some bastard's cut off your cock!"
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Migines (m)
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One day a man walked into a bar. He didn't have
any money so he asked the waitress, "Do you serve
free drinks?" The waitress replied, "No we don't,
but we haven't come up with a name for our bar
yet. If you can think of a name for our bar, I'll
give you a free drink." So the man went home and
started thinking of a name for the bar, and he
came up with 'Lucy's Legs'. The next day the man
gets up and goes to the bar. The bar wasn't open
yet so he sat down and waited for it to open. A
little while later, a Police Officer drove by
and asked, "What are you doing here this early?"
The man replied, "I'm waiting for Lucy's Legs to
open so I can get a free drink."
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Migines (m)
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Three daughters all get married on the same day.
After the wedding they all went back to the hotel.
That night the mother thought that she would go
and snoop around. At the door the girl was crying.
At the second door the girl was laughing. At the
third door there was no sound at all. The next
morning all four of the women were eating
breakfast. The mother said to the first one,
"Why were you crying last night?"
She replied, "It hurt."
She asked the second daughter "Why were you
laughing so hard last night?"
She said, "It tickled."
Then she asked the third daughter "Why it was so
quiet in her room last night?"
The daughter replied, "Well mom you always told me
not to talk with my mouth full."
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Migines (m)
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Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed
there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself
you can always write a book.
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Migines (m)
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An old geezer and his wife are out driving, when
a police officer pulls him over. "What seems to
be the trouble young man?" asks the geezer.
"Excuse me sir," says the officer, "but didn't
you notice that your wife fell out of the car
back there?"
"Why, naw, I didn't son, thanks for telling me.
I just thought I went deaf."
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ituen (m)
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Cool one Prof Miggy
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Migines (m)
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Lol. . . Tanx pal.
Or soothe yourself.
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Migines (m)
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He he he.
C this young man o.
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