|
Migines (m)
|
He he he.
C this young man o.
|
|
|
|
|
|
ituen (m)
|
guy,
i use 9yrs senior you
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
to stop racism, kill everyone
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
saucekid (m)
|
i dey well well dearie
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
Q: What do bungee jumping and a hooker have in
common?
A: They both cost a hundred bucks and if the
rubber breaks, you're screwed.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
Golfers might want to 'brush up' on the rules:
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment
for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on course must be approved by the owner
of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get
the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should
have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted
to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict
club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. Object of the game is to take as many
strokes as necessary. When the owner is
satisfied the play is complete. Failure to
do so may result in being denied permission
to play again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing
the hole immediately upon arrival.
Experienced players will normally take time to
admire the entire course, paying special
attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other
courses they have played or are currently
playing to the owner of the course being played.
Upset owners have been known to damage players
equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain
gear, just in case.
10. Players should not assume that the course
is in shape to play at all times. Players may be
embarrassed if they find the course temporarily
under repair. Players are advised to be extremely
tactful in this situation. More advanced players
will find alternate means of play when this is
the case.
11. Players should assume their match has been
properly scheduled particularly when playing a
new course for the 1st time. Previous players
have been known to become irate if they discover
someone else is playing what they considered a
private course.
12. The owner of the course is responsible for
the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the
visibility of the hole.
13. Players are strongly advised to get the
owners permission before attempting to play the
backside.
14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players
should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace
at the owners request.
15. It is considered an outstanding performance,
if time permitting, to play the same hole several
times in one match.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out
in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are
watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull
to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull
reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs,
& comments, "See! That was more than 5 times
a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine
specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last
year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's
some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this
comparison.
The third bull is up for sale:
"And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365
times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
"That's once a day, every day of the year!
How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells
back, "Sure, once a day!, But ask the auctioneer
if they were all with the same cow!!!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
A man and his wife got into bed for the night.
The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the
husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to
his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did
this only for a very short while then stopped and
went back to reading his book.
The wife got up and started stripping in front of
him. The husband was confused and asked, "What
the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?"
The wife replied, "You were playing with my
pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a
bit heavier".
The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my
fingers so I could turn
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
saucekid (m)
|
uhm. . . . .
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his
job; it's a depression when you lose your own.
Harry S. Truman
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide
your sources
Albert Einstein
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
Nixon: WaterGate
Clinton: ZipperGate
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
A priest is in the middle of confession when a
man bursts in yelling, "Father, Father! There's
been a terrible accident out front and we need
you to help console the people." Father replies,
"But son I'm in the middle of confession, if you
can take over for me I'll go." Reluctantly the
man agrees after getting a list of sins and their
corresponding pennance. The first person he
encounters says, "Forgive me father for I have
sinned it has been 3 months since my last
confession, and I have stolen." After finding
stealing on the list the young man instructs him
to say three hail marys and light 2 candles. A
woman enters next and says, "forgive me father
for I have sinned it has been 6 months since my
last confession, and I have commited oral sex."
After a slight chuckle the man checks the list
and tells her to say 1 hail mary, 3 our fathers
and light 4 candles. Another man enters and says,
"forgive me father for I have sinned it has been
1 month since my last confession, and I have had
anal sex." The man starts looking over the list,
page 1, page 2, page 3, but nowhere does it
mention anal sex. So he sticks his head out of
the booth and asks the nearsest altar boy,
"Whats the Father give for anal sex?" The altar
boy replies, "Two cookies and a glass of milk."
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
A teenage boy and his girlfriend were making out
in his car. He says, "Please darling, I can't
take it anymore without some relief."
She replies, "You know I am saving myself until
we are married!"
He begs her, "How about I just put the head in
for a while, just let me marinate the head a
little?"
She reluctantly agrees if it's only the head.
So he proceeds to put the head in and that’s
all he does, for about 30 seconds, but he gets
carried away and before you know it he’s put it
in entirely and is pumping with deep thrusts with
all he's got.
After a few minutes she moans and says, "I know
we have this deal that you are only putting the
head in, but, this feels really good, so go
ahead and give it all to me!"
Thinking quickly he responds, "No, a deals a
deal."
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
The history teacher announced that the students
who could tell her the source of the following
famous quotes would be allowed to go home early.
"The first quote is: 'Four score and seven years
ago, '"
Cathy raised her and and answered "Abe Lincoln".
"Very good Cathy, you may go home," said the
teacher. "The next quote is 'Give me liberty or
give me, "
Jane raised her hand and blurted out
"Patrick Henry."
"Very good Jane, you may also leave."
Meanwhile a boy had his hand up in the back of the
room the whole time and the teacher never
acknowledged him and she said that would be all
for the day. She proceeded to write something on
the board when the boy said "Stupid Bitches
(women) if it weren't for them none of this ever
would've happened" The teacher turned around and
said "Who said that!" The boy blurts out "Bill
Clinton now can i go home!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
A guy moves into an apartment complex. He's
putting his name on his mailbox when he hears a
door open in the hall. He glances towards the
door and sees a gorgeous woman dressed only in
a bathrobe come out. He tries not to look at her
as she gets her mail, but she engages him in
conversation.
As they talk she turns to look down the hall and
her robe opens slightly and he notices she is
wearing only the robe. They talk a little more,
and she says, "Shhh, I think I hear somebody
coming. Could we continue this conversation in
my apartment?" He agrees to this. As they talk in
her apartment, she moves and her robe falls to
the floor and he gets a good eyeful.
She then says, "Now that you've had a good look,
what do you think is the best part of my body?"
He says, "Your ears."
She replies, "My ears? Look at these breasts,
look at this butt, look at my pussy. How can
you say my ears?"
He replied, "Remember in the hall when you said
you heard somebody coming? That was me!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
This couple hit the nearest motel for some
frolicking. They get into the room and the woman
goes immediately to the bathroom to primp. The man
takes his clothes off and sits on the bed to
remove his socks. "Damn," he says, "my feet stink
terribly." He takes his socks off and throws them
on the floor near the bathroom door. "When she
comes in from the bathroom, I'll grab her real
quick and give her a big kiss and maybe she won't
notice how bad my feet smell."
The lady meanwhile discovers that her breath
smells terrible so she retrieves her toothbrush
and toothpaste from her purse. She brushed her
teeth but that didn't help. She brushes her teeth
5 times more to no avail. Finally she says, "I'll
just turn out the lights, run over to the bed,
jump in, and tell him I have a big surprise for
him. Maybe then he won't notice my bad breath."
She leaves the bath, hits the lights, jumps into
bed and says, "Hey, have I got a surprise for
you."
He says, "Let me guess, you ate my socks!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
A Union worker had the need of the services of a
little female companionship. While he had no
problems with going to a house of ill-repute, he
did insist that the house be a union house.
His search was long, with no luck in finding a
union operated establishment. Finally, as he was
near giving up, at last he walks into this very
nicely kept and well appointed place. "Is this a
union house?", he asked the madam. "Yes sir", she
said. "Well then, I would like to buy a date."
He scans the room, as he comes to a corner chair
he spies a beautiful, young women. She is his
every fantasy come true. "I'll take her", he
states boldly.
"I just bet you would", the madam tells him as she
pushes a button to open a hidden door. From the
door emerges an old, foul smelling, teeth missing
and nasty of all nasties woman. Pointing to the
emerging troll woman the madam looks the union man
staight in the eye and says, "But this one has
seniority!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
saucekid (m)
|
uhm . . .iyeme!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
Police Quotes
These are actual police officer quotes collected from numerous people stopped for moving traffic violations.
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
Self Evaluation
The following psychological test was developed by a think tank of top US. and European psychologists. The results are incredibly accurate in describing your personality with one simple question:
Which is your favourite Teletubbie,
A. Yellow
B. Purple
C. Green
D. Red
(DECIDE BEFORE SCROLLING DOWN)
Profile for women,
A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are bubbly and cheerful. People come to you when troubled because you always make them feel better about themselves. You are apt to clash with Red Teletubbie people!
B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are active and erratic. You have many ideas and set high standards for yourselves and others. Stay away from Green Teletubbie people, they tend to bring you down.
C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are calm and reliable. Family plays a major role in your life and you often sacrifice your needs to please others. Yellow Teletubbie people are a good match for you.
D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are bold and emotional. You are fierce in your opinions and quick to anger, but stick by your friends through thick and thin. Purple and Red Teletubbie people are an explosive combination.
Profile for men,
A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are gay.
B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are gay.
C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are gay.
D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are gay.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she
has been in a coma for several years. On this
visit he decided to rub her left breast instead
of just talking to her. On doing this she let
out a sigh.
The man ran out and told the doctor
who said that was a good sign and suggested he
should try rubbing her right breast to see if
there is any reaction. The husband went in and
rubbed her right breast. This produced another
moan from his wife. He rushed out and told the
doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a
real breakthrough.
The doctor then suggested the man should go in
and try oral sex, saying he would wait outside
as it is a personal act, but this might be just
the thing to get her out of the comma. The man
goes in, then came out about five minutes later,
white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife
is dead. The doctor asked what happen to which
the man replied, "She choked."
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
Three words to ruin a man's ego:
"Is it in?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty
new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying
had a stay-over in another city, so upon their
arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the
best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and
stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the
crew for the day's route, he noticed the new
stewardess was missing. He knew which room she
was in at the hotel and called her up wondering
what happened to her. She answered the phone,
sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her
room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captaind
asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three
doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom,
one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that
says "Do Not Disturb"!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
A young man, in the course of his college life,
came to terms with his homosexuality and decided
to 'come out of the closet'. His plan was to
tell his mother first; so on his next home
visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother
was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden
spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that
he had realized he was gay.
Without looking up from her stew, his mother
said, 'You mean, homosexual?'
'Well, yes.'
Still without looking up: 'Does that mean you
suck men's penises?'
Caught off guard, the young man eventually
managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative;
whereupon his mother turned to him and,
brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under
his nose, snapped:
'Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!'
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks.
This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He
turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and
me, gettin it on. I've got two dollars and it
looks like you could use a little money."
She stands up and says, "What makes you think I
charge by the inch."
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
Three gay athletes, a baseball player, a
basketball player, and a football player were
sitting together in a hot tub discussing their
professions and everything they liked about the
sport that they play. The football player said,
"I just love football because I get hit and rub
up against all those big sweaty guy's and it just
turns me on. That’s what I like about football."
The gay basketball player said, " Oh, that's the
same thing with me, I just love all those big
sweaty guy's rubbing up against me too, that's
what I like about basketball."
The gay baseball player said, " Well I like it
when I'm in a game and it's the 9th inning,
there's 2 out's, the score is tied, and I'm up to
bat and the pitcher has a full count on me and
winds up and throws his best fast-ball at me and
I hit it hard and the crowd yells GOOOO! GOOOO!,
and I'm rounding 1st,the crowd yells GOOOO!
GOOOO!, and I'm rounding 2nd, the crowd yells
GOOOO! GOOOO!, and I'm rounding 3rd, the crowd
yells GOOOO! GOOOO!, but the 3rd base coach says
NO! NO!, but I go anyway all the way to home and
slide head first, and when the dust clears the
umpire yells "YOUR OUT!" Then the crowd yells,
"COCKSUCKERRRRR!" Then he says to his friends,
"It's that recognition that I like."
|
|
|
|
|
|
Migines (m)
|
Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton
on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne,
the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which
was brought and placed before him.
The attendant then asked the minister if he would
also like a drink. The minister replied in
disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a
brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said,"I'm sorry, I didn't know there
was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's
having."
|
|
|
|
|
|
![Nairaland [Nigerian Forum] Home](http://www.nairaland.com/Themes/default/images/english/home.gif)
Author
