Don't Read This

Ahh, Monday March 6th, 2006.  Nice morning, good sunshine outside, seems like a great day to be out and about.  The sun is shining through the blinds on my window, daring me to get up, get ready, go outside, enjoy the day.

And so, I stretch out. . . and go back to sleep.  No point in getting up.  See, for most people, this is a nice start to the day.  However, for me, I know the truth, its just another twisted plot to make me think there is something worthwhile about my life.  Worthless .  . worthless. . worthless.  . I try to remind myself of it everyday.

However, some days are special.  Yesvery special.  In fact, they are so special, they do the job of telling me just how worthless I am.  Today, is one of those days.  It is doubly special, because today, I will keep a record of these special days. . and the non special ones too.

You probably wonder what is so special about this day. . . and initially, I didn't think there was anything that great about it either.  I shut my eyes and put my lazy self back to sleep.  Eventually, I got to the point where I couldn't really sleep any longer, but I just lay there in bed, doing nothing.  Sure, I've got plenty of things to doprobably enough things where I shouldn't spend any minute wasting time (such as writing this), but heythats normal right. . . kill time kill time kill time. . until I die. . afterall, what else is this life useful for anyway. . .

But, at some point I decided to get up and actually get readytook a shower, got dressed. . probably should wash all these clothes at some point. . . Anyway, hmm, lets see what grades I got this term. . . . Hmmthe usualthe usual. . . ahh. . . a grade even more horrible than the usual!  An "F".  That's right, I failed a damn class.

Well, what's wrong with an idiot failing a classI mean. . I've done it before. ,   Well, now we start getting into why this day is  special.  See, this time, I failed a class I'D retaken!  That's rightSECOND time through, and I failed again!  Hahahahaha. . . of course, only I will see this outside of my schoolI get all the mailings now. . . though perhaps I should mail it homelet my parents see just how much of an idiot their child really isperhaps I shouldhehehethis is great. . . an F. . .

No need to remind myself just how stupid i amthis says it all.  Obviously, I still actually care.  Wish Pharoh was still aliveI need more help hardening my heart.

So,

I thought I had scholarship money coming in which would pay for my tuition, housing, food, etc for this term. . . turns out I was wrong.  Because I'm not a "full-time" student this term, I currently don't qualify for this money. . .  Now I must start selling my books and other salable items one by one. . . or starve.  Perhaps I should just starvewhy do I continue to struggle in this hard life?  Who do I think I am? . ,  some idiot. . that's who.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. . .

Moneywhat can I do to get it. ,  I've barely got a soul left to sell.

Hell and Damnation!

I look around me, what do I have worth anything?  What here could be pawned for a few more dollars. . enough to buy food for the week.  I'm too proud to ask relatives for help.  DAMNATION, I will NOT do it.  I have gone this far as an independent man and will continue on.  I will not fall prey to their pity, scorn, money, and dissapointment.  I will not.

I will show them all. . .

I take a haitus from nairaland for a few weeks and return to . . ,  the same stuff

I swear, I obviously stole this screen name from more deserving people!

I could tell as I sat there, my finger hovering over that button, my mouse's cursor sitting above the send key, that this would be a defining moment.  Once I hit 'Send', there was no going back.  What I'D struggled to build up and maintain for exactly four years, had come to an end.

This has been the year of rash decisions. . . well scratch that - the rash decision was made in December of 2005.  I only started paying for it January of 2006 and so far, have found myself deeper and deeper within the hole.  It is not that I wasn't already in a hole prior to that fateful day, its just at the time, it was possible to keep myself from sinking further.  However, by March, all hope was lost.  By May, the hole had become an abyss.  Now, September, and I'm forced to resign my control, my life.

Oh sure, I could pretend it never happened.  In all likelyhood, within three months, not only would I be able to recompense the aid I seek, but I would have transformed the abyss into a small hole with my arms already grasping the handholds ready to pull myself out.  However, those lifestrings which may or may not support me as a result of the click a few moments ago will still be attached.  No matter what the reversal of fortune, it will be another few years before I can recover myself to the state I was but in yesterday (albeit without a particularily irratating albatross).

However, even then, this die has already been thrown.  Everything must be meticulously planned out and the roadmap rigorously followed.  No longer can I afford a slight deviation - heck, I stopped affording that a couple years ago.  Four years. . four damn years, four fu*cking years. . . I'm such a worthless idiot.  The game was already spy vs spy.  Now it must become spy vs (spy vs spy).  Yes, though I attempt to wrest myself out of one mess, another had just become deeper.  Perhaps I never truely understood that which I so worked hard for.  Perhaps if I did, I would not have been so rash.  Perhaps if I were smarter, I could enjoy this downturn.  Perhaps if I worked harder, none of this would have happened in the first place.

I always tell people, I've made all the mistakes possible, that's why I know the best way to help different people with the same problem.  I used to think this was a good thing, that somehow, despite it all, there was some good to my idiocy.  Now, all I can say is, well, I am still alive.  Maybe that is something I've taken for granted too much.  Now that it may be possible for that to come under threat - perhaps that is what this is - a taking away of everything, everything that i've been proud ofscratch thatwhat fuc*ing thing do I have to be proud of?  Not a damn thing.

No. . I know why the pain doesn't end.  Its not because i'm an idiot.  Its because I'm a coward.

I find myself in an interesting situation, a dilemma if you will, one whose resolution will definitely put me on the ethical or moral chopping block.

Hmm, ethical or moral. Hard to decide. I think ethics in general should be able to stand apart from religion or cultural mores while morals tend to be perscribed by one's religion, culture, or really some mix of the two. In many cases, what we take to be ethics and morals coincide. However, if I am able to separate my decisions into ones with purely ethical or moral ramifications, can I allow myself to slip by telling myself that morals are ultimately more important than ethics? Or vice versa? Likely, for such self-delusion to be valid in the future, I'D have to be consistent in my interpretation. However, by virtue of consistently making decisions based on some (or unbased on some) code, aren't I in essence creating my own set of behavioral rules, my own code? If so, then shouldn't I just dispense with the ethics or morals I've inherited, learned, or assimilated and create my own instead. A set of rules that allows me to live my life without having to deal with voices that cry out against the pleasure of an act they deem wicked.

In recent weeks, I've been hanging out with a new set of friends - a set that contains a particular individual we'll call E. E in many ways is the archetype of the ideal person for the set I more or less belong to. Smart, funny, fit, understands our lingo while maintaining a sense of self, own friends, own life. We've hit a couple bars and dance clubs where we lightly flirt in the presence of our friends, just enough so that it seems like friendly teasing. Then, once we've managed to send our buddies on errands to go chat up other people, our interaction is a lot more intense. I can understand the dynamic with our intersecting sets of friends and there is definitely attraction there, however, it seems like we're looking for two things to push us further - time when it's just us and nobody else + an excuse for things to just happen.

There is the individual that I've been chatting with, innocently enough at first, but quickly escalating. I know this one is likely looking for something deeper, yet I have physical desires that want to be sated. Returning home alone after a night out with E and the gang does not make things any better. This individual's dorm room being in a Christian college also triggers my code. In this case, we have an interesting conflict that involves both ethics and morals. Morals to a lesser degree, or ethics regarding morals. Is it ethical for me to compromise someone else's morals? Should I care - after all, I'm not forcing this individual to do anything and I'm presuming certain things based on their residence.

Finally, there's the individual we'll call T. With E, there has been some mental component to the interaction. E definitely challenges me in that regard. However, and perhaps this is because we acknowledge the compatibility on that level and both desire physical manifestations of this, the intensity in our interaction can almost be characterized as being mostly physical. With T on the other hand, there is definitely attraction based on looks, but our interaction has been mostly on a cerebral level. So much so that I worry about being trapped and not being able to move further. However, I know that I'm going to be in my current city (barring me just falling apart) for another few years. While T is considering circumstances that will result in remaining here, T's current goal involves a transfer to another city. Is there any point in us pursuing this further? Should I invest my time in transforming our current relationship?

Barring a couple other factors, from the outside, focusing on E excluding everyone else would be the best direction to take. However, there is a reason why investors are told to diversify. And . . . so I diversify - yes, that's what this is. Perhaps it's just because I'm newly in a position in my life where I can pursue these things that I currently deal with these issues. Maybe I'm just too jaded by failure and wracked with loneliness, that I don't want to go through the agony of failed single pursuit after failed single pursuit.

Is there any hope for me - if we heed prior life experience, the answer is no.

There is a calvin and hobbes cartoon. Calvin ponders whether or not there is any benefit to doing the right thing. He rightly posits that giving one's best and failing feels just as good as cheating one's way and succeeding. If the right and wrong path yield the same sense of satisfaction - isn't the logical choice to choose the path that maximizes some other criterion (in this case, success)?