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foskybaby (f)
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I am going through a tough time in my relationship. I am a lady of 28 years old and I have known this boy for a long time I mean a very long time. I have a fantastic job;
I am beautiful ,from a well brought up background .This boy does not even treat me right in any way. And just about sometime ago he told me that I am not the type of girl he can marry that he needs a girl that will be his slave , a girl that will worship him and that whatever he says should be final that I have no right to express my
opinion.
Please give me your opinion am I being too proud by saying I can’t be his slave and he can’t have the last say but that we should both make decisions
together?
Is it me or is it him with a problem?
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Seun (m)
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You should have dumped him 5 years ago if you feel he's not treating you right. Why are you upset that someone who is not treating you right in any way doesn't want to marry you? That is Incompatibility 101. He doesn't feel comfortable with you, and you don't feel comfortable with him. You should have parted ways 5 year ago and avoided this break-up drama!
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foskybaby (f)
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i should have dumped him but i tell you it is hard i am so used to him i tried alot of times to dump him by dating other guys but he comes back begging like i killed his mother
and when he does that i pity him and go back to him okay i should have dumped him 5 years ago. i agree but 5 years ago is now in the past what do i do now ,
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reniks (f)
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He is doing u a huge favour by sayin u r not d kind of girl he can marry.U should b thankful dt he didnt fake being a nice guy only 2 show his true colours when u get married.U should b happy wit stayin single if he were d last guy on earth.Luckily,he isnt so i'm sure u'l meet a guy dt deserves u.He says u r proud?D fact dt u put up wit him n u r even considering whether 2 leave shows u r 2 tolerant n certainly not proud.
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Seun (m)
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In addition, I think it's better to be single than to be unhappily married. Good men tend to shy away from women in relationships. If you are single, you may be able to pick up a nice and honest bachelor. If you're in a relationship, you'll be approached only by players and cheaters who don't care about your being in a relationship. Which do you prefer?
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africanboy (m)
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a boy?.
If you still consider him to be a boy, then you should not be worried if he acts like one. Look for a MAN, who will treat you better
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foskybaby (f)
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He is 29 years old so i guess hes a man.
tell me, how do i move on
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Seun (m)
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You can just discontinue the relationship and try to get used to the single life again!
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africanboy (m)
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Do yo want to be a slave? If yes, stay with him, if not "why would any guy want a lady to be his slave?" Unless of coure, she is disadvantaged somehow and feels her survival depends on the guy. If not, lady, you are not too old to start a fresh relationship.
like I said before, age is not maturity. Tell him to find his way, if he begs you again, it should be on your own conditions.
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SamCharles (m)
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Aren't we all missing the point?
This lady said she has a fantastic job and she didn't tell us what the guy does.
Could it be his job aint so fantastic and he wouldn't want to take orders from
his wife who has a better paying job and is wont to give hime orders since she wears the "pants"? I mean why is she still dating the guy after they've broken up severally? Is it that she feels comfortable with him or in all their time together she didn't know the guy wants a slave for a wife?
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foskybaby (f)
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he also has a great job i mean he earns more thani do but he still sees me as a threat because he said i am too smart for him that he needs a girl he can order and she wont complain even if she is uncomfortable with his opinion
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foskybaby (f)
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he also has a great job i mean he earns more than i do but he still sees me as a threat because he said i am too smart for him that he needs a girl he can order and she wont complain even if she is uncomfortable with his opinion
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SamCharles (m)
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Sweetheart,
You've dated this guy for years and i'm sure issues have arisen that required your saying something or taking a position. So what position did you take? I mean if he refused your opinions and you still stayed in it (the relationship), it means you've acquiensced to it. So you can not be heard to be complaining now. Get the drift?
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Seun (m)
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Please terminate the relationship today. Terminate it amicably. There are many men who are ready to treat women with greater respect, but they don't remain single for long.  So get out of the relationship today. |
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hayo (m)
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Its not really easy giving advice in this kind of matter.
We can't hear from him to really know those things he saw before coming to the conclusion that you are too proud for him. We don't know his background too, because that is a very major factor. Why is he always coming back after you break up with him, is there something special you give him that he can't get anywhere else. Why is it that you also keep going back? U have a job and he has a job; you are even 28, has he asked you to marry you? What are the feelers from his parents, are they interested in you?
If we don't have answers to these questions, it will be hard to judge.
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foskybaby (f)
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Okay I will give you a brief summary I have had my own mistakes too just as everyone makes mistakes. like some years back whenever I kind of catch him with another girl I knew him seeing me with men made him jealous so I go on and invite a boy to my place then he gets angry and starts begging because he thinks I may
go with the boy. Then we settle , 2 weeks ( max) after I catch him again with some one and then I do my boy thing again but like 2 years ago I got fed up of going
round that circle , though he has assumed I did stuff with this boys …, till today he still talks about those things he still talks about why on one occasion I invited a boy
from Nigeria to come and see me. Now boys don’t get me wrong all the while I was doing this I wanted to move on too but all the boys I have tried to move on with
this boy has driven them all by fighting them I guess I have given you a summary of what the relationship has been like and in my own terms I would say it has been
messy. I have tried to do most of all he wants but he takes me back to things that have happened years ago
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gospelman (m)
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Seun,I am surprised at your advice to a young lady who needs honest advice.
The point is that some Ladies that have a good job,etc think they are equal to the man they want to marry or are married to.I am against any man treating his wife or fiance improperly,so do not misunderstand me.
Foskybaby,let me give you an honest advice:
It is evident that you love this man ( calling him this boy is rude and does not show that you are talking about the one you love and intend to marry).From what you said,I can tell why the man is saying you are not the type he wants to marry:No man would want a woman that is rude;that challenges him to is face and all that.
The truth is that,if you want to get married,the best time to practise submission is now that you are dating.I do not believe the guy would want to treat you like a slave.He said that because of your attitude(thinking he cannot have the final say and stuff).I am not saying the man should not consult with you when he is making decisions.But there is a way to let him know that you have an opinion.
When you get married,he would be your boss.No two ways about it.Now don't tell me that your boss's decision in the office is not final.It is!
But a good boss will always ask for you input and can even take your input to come up with the final decision.But you cannot tell your boss that he cannot have his way in the office.If you do,that means you got yourself another job!A good boss won;t treat a good staff like a slave.
Just go back to the guy,apologize to him if you had ever used a hurtful or rude word.Respect him unconditionally(no because you are a fool but because you are wise).Refuse to listen to people who say negative words about him.(ou two can make it happen if you want and if he is the kind of man I think he should be.I f you had complained of some other thing then, I would have taken him up.But from your complaint,I know where the problem is).
Do this for a month and if he treats you the same,then he has got a problem.
I perceive you are a nice person,so be careful the kind of advice you heed!
I pray God to direct your thinking!
Gospelman.
Oh Oh!
While I was writing your mail came in.
Well,I have got this to say about that:both of you should sit down and ask yourselves if you really want to get along.If he loves you, and you love him,the search should end.But do not forget to do what I said above.
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Seun (m)
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So you think that a woman is not equal to her husband; that the man is the "boss" and the woman is merely a subordinate. I think it's better to be single than to be married to someone who still holds on to 17th century ideas of male superiority. If I have daughters or sisters, that is the advice I will give them.
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foskybaby (f)
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Gospel man i feel you I appreciate everything you said there I will tell you something i am not rude to this guy in any way I used to be very angry and I will do all sorts like tear is shirt or destroy something when he cheats on me this was back then but now i don’t do all that anymore I changed my life because wanted him to see that I want to be with him but still he on Christmas day for no reason he did not come home for three days and he did not call me when he came back I didn’t say a word a week after that he travelled for the weekend no call till he came back the next weekend the same thing I didn’t say a word when he came back I am human too I think there’s a limit to what a woman can take the. I am not rude to this guy except when we have an argument he said he wants a woman that even when he leaves the house for a week with no call that the woman should stay in the house sleep and eat and not worry how is this possible
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desiree (f)
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@foskybaby, I can relate to you on this discussion because i was in the same situation myself, it lasted for one year before i finally decided that i can do better than that for myself. No man should ever think he is better than you (well paid job or not), if he cheats on you now, what makes you think that he wont do it again and again, if he said you are not the type of girl he wants to marry, i can imagine any miracle that will suddenly make him change his mind.
Well, my ex said the same to me because he feels i don't give him enough respect because i don't depend on him financial and he thinks because of my affluent background i won’t be submissive, don’t get me wrong, I tried to be all he wanted me to be but that didn't changed the fact the he was feeling insecure and men will always use the reverse psychology to make you look like the bad one.
My advice to you is to walk out of this relationship before it is too late, he doesn't love you, if he did, he should see you as an equal regardless, A real man should be proud to walk shoulder to shoulder with his woman, A relationship should be a partnership where both parties support each other and not a constant battle for leadership.
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foskybaby (f)
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Desiree I am glad you responded to this mail I am glad someone was once in my shoes because sometimes I feel like I am the only one experiencing this in the whole world. You have said exactly what is wrong with me I am also from an affluent background and i do everything this guy wants I don’t rely on him for anything I mean nothing at all. All I want from him is love and affection the feeling that someone cares that’s all I ask for. I don’t need his money whatsoever but the continuous strife for leadership has taken up the time he would have used to care about me.He goes on about there cannot be two bosses in the house there’s nothing he does in that house other than eat and watch TV and iron his shirts which sometimes I do for him. When I ask him what he does for me he tells me I have to satisfy him in every angle first before he can do anything for me
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desiree (f)
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When I ask him what he does for me he tells me I have to satisfy him in every angle first before he can do anything for me
I'm glad to know i can be of help, it is strange because those were my ex's exact words when i asked him what was wrong with us, i think they must be related in a weird way, he is also 29 years old!!!. Breaking up with him should be done in a firm but non-aggressive way, i know his type will always come back crying but be strong and don't give in. I'm sure he will find a girl that fit those criteria in his dreams and you deserve a good man that is just happy being with you and loves you in return. Good luck!!! |
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disney (f)
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Let me help u answer ur question in 17 phrases.  The boy is mad, please dump him, plenty fishes are in the river, you better go fishing.  |
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tipsy289 (m)
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Do u like a master-slave relationship? marriage aint bout that,u prob think because u old and u've known this guy 4 a long time,u shld still b wit me.Its time 2 move on.Forget the guy.
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idiot-boop (f)
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@Foskybaby
I really feel for you and as a woman totally know what you are going through, we reach a stage and age when we feel we can't do much better and settle for the familiar even if it is the very thing you should be running away from. I think you have had a long time to really know what your fella is like and maybe blind love, or just being used to a situation you feel you have no other choice. Well you do and from what you say i feel you two a so wrong for each other. He wants a totally submissive wife and i don't think its a bad thing if that is what he wants but if that is what you can't be then you two should not waste each other's time any longer. Your relationship seem to have too much against it. You mention trust and you two clearly don't have it by playing tit for tat games with your trust. Tell you what i did some time ago in a bad relationship, take time out, think of the things you love and hate about him and the relationship , if you have more minuses than pluses, babes just bite the bullet and part ways.Its not easy to do but you have to think of the long term, don't get married thinking you can conform to his idea of what a wife should be and then find you are unhappy, you may love some things about him but you might not be right for each other.
Why should the relationship always be on his terms? this is an indication of how selfish and uncompromising he could be in a marriage. people forget that when two people come together they bring a whole load of history, baggage, uprbringing and personality into it and to sometimes impose unrealistic expectations on another is selfish . He is who he is and you are who you are at the end of the day, if you don't compliment each other, buzz off each other,work in tandem then you are a bad match. Your scenerio requires someone to change character and that is wrong.
Take care and i hope you come to some sort of peace about this, there is no right or wrong time for marriage, many succumb to pressures and oh what will people say after such a long relationship no marriage. Well leave people to their thoughts, its you who decides if you will be happy or unhappy.
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4real (m)
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you are an african queen and if he can't treat you like that, dump his ass real quick oh my God did i just say that,  where is all my sex manner, am sorry guys need to see a doctor to screw mt head very well  |
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nawah (f)
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You need to know that men do not forgive being unfaithful quite the same way women do.
There might just have been too much water under the bridge and if both or either party is not ready to forgive and forget it will always be a shadow in the relationship.
As for being his slave, my dear i can tell you now.
As a woman you are always a slave, to your husband, your children - not because you are sold into bondage but because you sacrifice everything out of love.
You can have your opinion but it all depends how you get it across - always in the right tone and at the proper time. ALways with respect.
There was a time in my marriage, when I was the sole breadwinner in the family. That was when I had to repect my husband the more and left the financial aspect to him. I even asked him when i needed a little money for myself. I never demanded he did any housework and I always thanked him extra if he did . Today I can boast of a husband that treats me the way most women would be dreamed of being treated.
Let me also give you one good advice as a woman -
You see all these women advising you to drop him- most of them swollow alot more crap in their relationships but pretend to the outside world that all is okay.
Never heed a womans advise when it comes to breaking up- follow your heart and your mind.
There is no garantee for a good marriage but bringing God into the home helps a great deal. - get more religious with your partner and you will notice a great change.
PRay together with him regularly and you will notice a change
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africanboy (m)
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baby, r u still in d relationship? Thank God u aint my sister!
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chinani (f)
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well i am not here to pretend that i've never taken crap from a man. i think most women have or do take crap sometime in their lifetimes. but a person, man or woman, must know when to say enough. he has cheated on you. from what you wrote, you have forgiven him. he has tried to bring you down (by pointing out what you lack as far as a wife) instead of celebrating your good points. it is one thing to sacrifice one's self for a husband or child, it is another thing to do it for a boyfriend. maya angelou once said "when a person tells you who they are, LISTEN!" this man has told you that he does not want you to be his wife. my dear, have mercy on yourself & believe him! i feel for you as a sister. i am not married. i am not older or wiser than you. but i encourage you to leave him! it will be hard. yes, but many things in life are hard. i have a great love for GOD. i know HE does not mean for you to be belittled!
you asked "how" to leave the relationship. here is my advice: be firm, VERY POLITE, direct & serious when speaking to him. no insults or accusations. do you live together? if not then, please change your phone number. that way, he can not call you to beg/harrass. also, do you have any family in the area that you are close to? if so, when you break up, confide in a sibling or cousin and tell them that you are going t/o a hard time and would appreciate spending more time w/ them. you do not have to tell them WHY you broke up only that you did. that way you can talk, eat, hang out with, & basically be companions w/ your relative. so if/when he comes to beg you back, you are not alone in your home. or if you are alone, DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR. go to your bedroom, shut the door, and talk on the phone to your relative (about anything). he will eventually go away.
after you break up, there are many questions you will ask yourself & loneliness, but it will be worth it! please, have faith.
also you can take more of an interest in church, a hobby, reading, family, charity work, your job or whatever. will this make you stop missing him? NO! from what i've read, you are a very nice woman. you love him so the feelings may linger. but i think the feelings may be pain & familiarity not love.
when you are single, it may a take sometime to meet someone new. why? because, from what i've read, you have been wounded. your pride, self respect, self esteem, etc. before a person can connect and love someone else they must love themselves. also, all the men may seem odd, rude, unpolished, "ugly", boring, etc. it takes people awhile to get used to new people when they perfer the old. that's okay too. by dating different people you will eventually know what compliments you better. so do not be afraid to say "yes" to a date. so take that time to pamper yourself a little & learn a salsa dance or whatever you're into. don't distress!
many men are looking for women who are smart, employed, well-bred, polite & young.you are all of these things! do you stay w/ this man b/c you are afraid that no one else will want you? if so write out all your fears & you will see that they are nothing. good luck!
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Rhodalyn (f)
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what g u y would actually say he wants his wife to be his slave, God!! that sucks!!
girl, you're better off without him
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SweetnSour (f)
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I know u r probably thinking "where so I start from if I break up with him?" , "How old will I be before I get married?" , n so on. The truth is you don't have to deal with that crap. If he doesn't want you, leave him.
It's not your age that matters
It's not his looks or yours
It's about your emotions
you deserve to be HAPPY
why would u want to be with someone that wants you to be his slave?
Why would u want to be stuck in a jungle
rather than live in a free world, although there's constant struggle.
The last thing u need is to adora the ground a man walks on
U need to stand up 4 yourself and let him know
he can leave if he can't accept you the way u r.
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