Joker's Collections by ITUEN

lol this is a handful

I didn’t know it was my wife

Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord.  The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak.  "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.

The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'D just had sex with the woman in my car.  She's insatiable.  She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't."

"Where's your car?" the landlord asks.

"At the roadside," the guy gasps."

Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place."

"Be my guest," the guy says.

So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car.  It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man.  And they get right down to it, humping away. Five minutes later there's a knock on the window.  It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple.

"What's going on here?" he asks.

"It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife."

The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize she’s your wife

"Looking at the woman, the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."

Fall behind the line

One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"

To which the man replied, "Get in line."

Q: What should you give an elf who wants to be taller?
A: Elf raising flour.
* * *
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"
* * *
Q: What carries round a sack and bites people?
A: Santa Jaws
* * *
A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.
All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"
* * *
Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned troopers.
* * *
Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. "What's this?" asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."
* * *
Q: What's an Eskimo's favorite song?
A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!
* * *
Q: Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
A: At a Jungle Sale!
* * *
First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could.
* * *
Q: Why is perfume so obedient?
A: Because it's scent everywhere it goes.

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.

A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.

Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens,

"I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."

• THINGS NOT SAY WHEN PULLED OVER BY A COP

I only had one officer Mr. Keg.
• Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
• Want to race to the station, Sparky?
• I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
• On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
• You'll never get those cuffs on me, You Pussy!
• Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
• Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
• How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
• Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
• I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
• Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
• Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!
• Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
• I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
• Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
• You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
• "Bad Cop! No Donut!"
• I was trying to keep up with traffic.
• You're NOT going to check the trunk, are you?
• "Lets do it different this time,  I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"
• Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
• Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
• I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
• So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
• Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
• Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
• So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?
• Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
• When you smack the crap out of me, make sure you smile for the camcorder.
• Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
• Aren't you one of the Village People?
• Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife!

My brother na naija them born me oh. Check ma profile if u want to know about me.

its good to know that people out there enjoy the jokes

You dey craze oh. You wey bin dey drag notbook with Jesus

@ituen

u don totally kolo!
nice jokes

Ituen
you no dey sleep, since mornng 
What do you eat self, i

Accounting interview

Rick, fresh out of school, went for an interview in an accounting firm for a good paying job. The company boss asked him, “what is three times seven?”

“22,” Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview) and realized he wouldn’t get the job.

About 2 weeks later, he got a letter that he was hired for the job. He was happy but still curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job even though he failed such a simple question.

The boss shrugged and said, “well you were the closest to the answer”

Animal behaviour

They say that animal behaviour can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before last earthquake hit, our dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.

Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller ?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.

Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When he turns his cow to pasture.

Q: Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.

Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.

Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
A: He has got no beef.

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

"Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.

"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."

This guy's wife asks, "Honey if I died would you remarry?"

He replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would."

She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?"

He replies, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?"

and he says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid two thousand dollars for it, it's going to last a long time, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

and he says, "Oh no, she's left handed."

Yea Ituen, keep all 16 cylinders of yours firing