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nalijah07 (f)
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I am involved with a man who says that he is traditionally married in Nigeria. He says that he only had the ceremony because the woman was pregnant and he wanted to join the families together because of the child. He claims to be madly in love with me, and tells me that his marriage is not legally recognized anywhere. He lives in one country and she lives in another, however the child lives in Nigeria with the granparents. He has shown me his papers (he is a US citizen) and has told me that he would like to eventually marry me, but i can't help but wonder what is going on between he and the "traditiona wife". He says nothing, but they always coordinate their travel schedules so that they can be in Nigeria together in order to spend time with the child. Should I be concerned?
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Idera .N (f)
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Hi,
I'm new here and I'm from nigeria, I'm also a female like you and i understand you perfectly, it's a real love triangle. well i will suggest you study him patiently and don't jump into quick conclusions. he might be a Us citizen but that does not mean he cannot go back to nigerian to meet that woman or did he impregnate her in US? I DOUBT.
But if you really love him geniuely, you can as well throw caution to the wind but it won't pay you at all, pray to God about so he lead you.
take good care of yourself.
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nalijah07 (f)
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Idera, thank you for your reply. Actually she delivered the baby here in the US.
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mdsocks (m)
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Your story is self explanatory,
What if you married him and he also does same to you,(i mean dump you)
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Joey82 (m)
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@poster,
Take time 2 study and analyse the situation b/for you'll b putting assunder on what is joined 2gether.
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nalijah07 (f)
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Well he says that since they were only traditionally married, there is no such thing as divorce. He claims they are no longer together, only that their families are joined. I want to believe him, because what kind of marriage could this possibly be if they live in two different countries and only see each other 2 times a year for the sake of the child.
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mdsocks (m)
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Well he says that since they were only traditionally married, there is no such thing as divorce. He claims they are no longer together, only that their families are joined. I want to believe him, because what kind of marriage could this possibly be if they live in two different countries and only see each other 2 times a year for the sake of the child. and do you believe that It's not about trad. marriage or not, if he can divorce a woman who had a son for him what then do we say about you, |
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Joey82 (m)
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@poster,
aint trying 2 discourage u but fact remains that he's still married traditionally or other wise, in any case, b sure he's telling u d truth.
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nalijah07 (f)
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mdsocks - couldn't the point be that since they live so far apart, they just aren't able to maintain the relationship as well as someone who is in the states with him? i think it would be hard to maintain a relationship with someone you only see twice a year.
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nalijah07 (f)
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@mdsocks. True - Love does not know distance or time. Actually, I've known him for years, during which time he persued me endlessly. i didn't think it would work because of our cultural differences, so i never gave him a chance. I ended up meeting him again by chance, and he told me that he had given up on waiting for me and that he had needed to start a family, which is what brought him to the other woman. He says that he never stopped loving me and that this was the woman who was able to provide him with a family at the time. He always talks of taking me home with him, but i don't think i would feel comfortable knowing that her family may be in the picture. I think this may cause problems for him, although he doesn't seem to be concerned with it.
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mdsocks (m)
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@nalijah07
I understand what you saying
What i would advice that you don't rush into it,
I wish you all the best
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omega25red (m)
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people with their crap answers
@ poster
Nigerian traditional marriages is only recognised by the people who were present during the ceremony it is not recognised by the govt because no marriage licenses were applied for or obtained. Also just because a man has a child with a woman doesnt mean he can't get along with her for the child's sake. he lives in the US and she the wife lives some where else what more do you want. At least he was forthright with you some people wouldn't even mention it.
my opinion although you still want to take it slow due to potential baby mama drama but i think you have a good man there he told you all that was going on and he is a citizen so he don't need you for papers.
if you really want to find out if there is a problem with this wife of his ask to go on vacation with him and make sure the wife comes too.
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Idera .N (f)
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omega25red- i like your statement because you viewed all these from a different perspective and you contributed but i tell you that because he said the truth about his life does not mean he really meant what he said.
Nalijah- you will know he is truthful if he can boldly take you to Nigeria and introduce you to his parent as his wife then i will be assured that he is really serious.
it can also be a case of a long-lost love btwn him and the lady in nigeria whereby they made promises before he left for US which resulted into pregnancy. now who is to blame here?
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zignorr (m)
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My dear, marriage is marriage . . .trade with care 
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$ammy (m)
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Are you desperate or something?The guy is married for Gods sake.Let him even get a divorce first before you should even start to consider him.I hope you guys have not stated, (you know what)
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onyeka_ng (f)
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Are you desperate or something?The guy is married for Gods sake.Let him even get a divorce first before you should even start to consider him.I hope you guys have not stated, (you know what)
WORD @ poster besides, the last time i checked,the holy book says,THOU SHALL NOT CONVERT YOUR NEIGHBOUR'S WIFE/HUSBAND (as the case mayb)/ GOODS.for crying out loud,d guy is still marrieddddddddddddddddddddddddd HABA! dnt be deceived by all those SWEET NUSERY RHYMES he tends 2 feed u with, because all that glitters is not GOLD.whatever decision you make, i wish u all d best  |
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nalijah07 (f)
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@$ammy - how would he get a divorce wih a traditional marriage?
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chychy (f)
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Matters of the heart are so delicate yet complicated.
I want to believe for your sake that he's being truthful and while no licenses are issued at traditional weddings, marriage is still marriage.
It's easy for me to tell you to follow your heart but my dear, you have to use your head. Do you think he is worth all the drama? While it is not a crime for him and his "so called ex" to be on good terms because of the kid, how do we know there isn't more to it than meets the eye?
Snoop around, ask questions, conduct research, find out as much as you can about him and the "ex". And please can someone answer why a guy would marry for the sole purpose of child rearing?
All i can say is that you should tread carefully. I admire the fact that he told you some part of the truth though.
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Idera .N (f)
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@nalijah traditonal marriage is done in a TRADITONAL WAY. Its an agreement between both parties to get married. the guy has paid her Dowry. he has brought money, yam, palm oil and other necessary things to show that he is interested in taking their daughter home WITH HIM. he is married traditionally not legally you are thinking, POINTBLANK  |
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nalijah07 (f)
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Thanks to everyone for their comments. I now have a general question. Why do people opt for the traditional marriage if the legal marriage carries more weight?
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sidje005 (m)
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firstly, traditional marriage is part of the cultural bedrock of the people, they cherish it a lot. legal marriage is more of a formalistic form of marriage meant to formally announce the marriage in case of sociopolitical matters. it will be imperative if you note that even after most traditional marriages, the couple still head for the court. so it is always two-in-one. but before i can profer further answers to your question i'D like to say, u are not yet in the triangle, its just an apparent triangle that will be formed only if you wish to be a new vertice. your own personal disposition matters in the situation but like an important adage amongst the yorubas, "oja ti omo ba ti wo okuta ti wo", a marriage that has a child in between, is very delicate. but see check it out this way, if you love him "madly" like he loves you and you are so willing to get him, bear it in mind that you are automatically a second wife. because no matter hw mad he is he will still kip it in mind that he has a son and i dnt think it he would like to jeopardize that. and then if he wants to jeopardize that because he said he madly loves you? girl thats a better indication that the stick we use in chatising the first wife is in stock for the second wife, traditional marriages are accepted in the laws of the land and hence it is quite formal/ look before you leap
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sidje005 (m)
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just think about yourself first and know if u can really dig it or not
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Joey82 (m)
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Thanks to everyone for their comments. I now have a general question. Why do people opt for the traditional marriage if the legal marriage carries more weight?
because african customs only recongnise traditional marriage as d only means of tying d nuptial knot. after which u can go do which ever kind of wedding u choose. |
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ksmiles
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I guess your mind is already made up because you keep on taking his sides just to justify yourself, Its not done that way my dear,
In nigeria, Traditional Marriage has it all, Both families get to know each other and there is a kind of bond formed,
I really wont tell you what to do, but just think before taking any step, because one dangerous step can disrupt your life,
But Remember that "When you meet that special someone you'll understand why it didn't work out with anyone else."
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bebe2007 (m)
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Traditional marriage is recognised in Nigeria. Its recognised in our courts. It allows polygamy!!! so he can stay married to his baby mama and marry you aswell. Divorce here would be to go to the ladies family and request for his bride price back. He would have to take her home, tell her people he is no longer interested and ask for his money and goodies back. I know you love him and all but is he the only guy in the US?  ? babes try other blokes ok, do not get involved with this polygamist. You would get hurt. YOu could follow him down to Nigeria and meet his people. Thats the only way you will know the truth for sure. But like i earlier said, its not a good idea to get involved. |
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nalijah07 (f)
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@sidje005. How would I be known as the "second wife"? Here in the US I would be considered the only wife, because legally traditional marriage is not recognized here.
Also, if this is a polygamist situation, how would the "first wife" receive me. He tells me that she has been informed of our relationship.
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