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patsy782 (f)
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I find your responces really helpful  , and here's my story  .I have been married to this guy for the past 13 months and am telling you its been like a short trip to hell, my husband has a daughter with his x-wife,which is absolutely ok with me,i don't object it, but does this really mean that they can have long conversations on the phone,that i have to be seeing the woman almost three times a week in my house(not shortly i mean,for 1-2hrs);and sometimes seeing them driving around,just the two of them to accomplish some businesses, which i don't really know and i just don't know if i can trust them. Above all she attends all the family meetings and celebrations, i always feel really bad having to sit with this woman under the same roof, and as much as am jealous, the feeling of being disrespected surpasses it. I've talked to my husband concerning this but he is always like,"we are only doing it for the kid and furthermore i want us to be one family:you, her ,the daughter and me" For heavens sake,i've never dreamt of being a second wife,but i do feel that this is his plan. Am nolonger sexually attracted to him,my entire feelings towards him have changed,and each and every attempt of conversation ends up in arguments. He calls me names sometimes,He says he can't trust me since i look really nice,and that every time i go to work,school or sometimes just for a stroll or shopping in the city,i get fucked. I don't have my freedom at all,i can't visit my friends or even talk freely on the phone because he thinks am talking about him, May be the cultural differences plays a role here since he's white and am black, I've tried everything to make the marriage work but am slowly coming to the end, Guys,do you really think that there is a future in the marriage, kindly help |
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Seun (m)
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Was this a green card marriage? Because I don't understand why you married him in the first place. He was doing all these things before you got married, and now that you're married you expect him to change? Sorry, not possible.
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patsy782 (f)
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SEUN:::Was this a green card marriage? Because I don't understand why you married him in the first place. He was doing all these things before you got married, and now that you're married you expect him to change? Sorry, not possible.
It is a real marriage, he kept some distance from her befor before we got married, they useed to talk on the phone but not so often and longer as they do right now,and when they did it,then it was always in my absence, the thing is,they put the kid in the middle of all this as a scapegoat, and i just don't know if i can buy there story at all
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Seun (m)
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Do you mean real marriage as in you married him because the sex was good?
Or was it because you felt he was the right one for you? I seriously doubt that.
I don't think this relationship can be saved. Get out before you get pregnant!
Under no circumstances should you bring a child into the messy marriage, please.
If he loves his ex so much, maybe you should have urged him to go back to her.
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janami (f)
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seun is kind of right marriage is a serious thing, frankly i dnt think things will improve any as far as his ex wife and child are still there. i dnt think this marriage can work (sorry dt sounded harsh jst my honest opinion)
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patsy782 (f)
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SEUN:::ofcourse i felt that he was the right one,but i think its natural,not so many people can stand sharing the same person,and this is the biggest blow to our marriage,it just affects everything, you are right,and i wont get i child in it, at no cost
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Etin (f)
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I am really sorry to hear all you have been going through. I can imagine how difficult if would be. Marring into a family with a child means the mother would and can always have access to the guy using the kids as an excuse. What did you expect? did you think the child would just disappear? The direction you go is entirely up to you , your values, ability and strenght. This marriage is in the very early stage of marriage and it just might be the usual teeting problems of any young marriage. People are people no matter the colour they want the same thing, don't reduce your capacity for a successful marriage by thinking your colour has anything to do with it. If you married one of your own race with the same situation the same would happen. Ask yourself some important questions and be sincere with the answers you give yourself it might help you decide what next. - Why did I marry this man what do I expect from this marriage?
- Do I still love him, Can I find it in my heart to express to to him?
- Does he love me?
- Why did he leave the first wife, has he any unfinished (emotional) business with her ?
- Do you really stand a chance of being happy in the triangle any time in the future
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chuckdee4 (m)
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IMO i don't thik u should have married him knowing fully well that he had a child, unless of course u were happy with it. The honest truth is that even if his ex-wife was not there when u guys were courting, she was always going to be involved one way or the other because she's had a kid with him, plus it gives her an edge over u because his first kid is with her and not u. Thats why most people don't want excess baggage like an ex or a kid when going into a new relationship or marriage
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yewa-man (m)
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well if you ask me, why remain in a marriage you are not HAPPY, since
they seem to spend so much tyme together, anyway sha he has started
vabal abuse on you, very soon he will get physical with you.
GET OUT NOW. ALL THE BEST
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zheroes (m)
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hello party 787,
its really pathetic because you ve got a lot to worry about, i fear for you since you said you have discussed with him, if he loved the mother of the child so much he should have married her, besides you are his wife and you both have become one flesh but in this case its not so, i guess i can understand how you feel, sometimes you want to kill, it can get that bad.
my advice: have a talk with him and the childs mother, that closeness is very dangerous, she possibly could have another child for him. if it doesnt come out positive, please make a decision you know you can very well cope with because as it stands he is enjoying his marriage big time while you are dying in silence, no, for me, thats unacceptable.
take care and pray really hard.
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benedo (m)
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My dear etin,
Plsssssssssssssssssss get out of this sham that you are still dignyfying by calling a marriage, apparently you are very very sad and unhappy and with the littlle you have said, iv tried to project into the immediate and long term future with this man , ummmm it looks preetty baaaaaaaaaaaad.
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patsy782 (f)
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Yeah, his first kid is with her,but things should be balanced here,and not exaggerated
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Yinkwamo (m)
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I wonder why people are having problems with their marriages these days is it that they don't look before leaping? this is a great lesson for we nairaland members that we should LOOK BEFORE LEAPING. LET HE THAT HAS EAR LISTEN TO WHAT THE SPIRIT IS SAYING. Madam don't even contemplate divorce FOR WITH GOD NOTHING SHALL BE IMPOSSIBLE. I really feel for you.  |
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yewa-man (m)
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By the way just checked your profile what is a 23yr old doing in marriage, you should still be enjoying your life or was it an arranged marriage (sorry to say), I have said my own get out, before before he starts pounding (physical) you.  |
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obyann (f)
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Be very careful. I think its better to give them chance for now (leave the house). the more you see them together the more you hurt yourself.
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obyann (f)
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By the way just checked your profile what is a 23yr old doing in marriage, you should still be enjoying your life or was it an arranged marriage (sorry to say), I have said my own get out, before before he starts pounding (physical) you. at 23, shes matured to get married. a lot of girls got married at that age and it turns out to be a successful one |
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amaikama (m)
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Going by your post, i say, "NO" it not worth it and i advice you to get out while you still can.
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Nannu (f)
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Hello Patsy
Sorry to hear about your situation, I'll give you some thoughts of mine here, but hope you'll be able to come with a good solution to this all.
First, even there are kids from a previous marriage, it doesn't mean that the ex-wife is part of the family. It's good that the man and his exwife has good relation when considering the kid, but there must be some boundaries. Apparantly your husband doesn't realise this. I'd say try to talk to him still about it, without accusing him, but explain how it makes you feel, and tell him that you refuse to feel like a "second wife". If he doesn't care about your feelings over to the ex wife, then I think you should really consider a divorce.
The second thing that makes Me worried at least, is his jealousy for you. A little jealomatteusy is normal, but when the husband starts limiting your life, it's usually a matter of that he doesn't trust you, and he doesn't trust himself or have good self esteem, and also, he might be cheating on you himself, because he is so afraid that you will, (if you get my logic behind this one, )
However, I do not know your husband, so better is that you talk to him yourself. If he doesn't understand your points and if the marriage seriously starts seeming like living in hell, then splitting up might be actually the option, But try other things first.
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EKENEA (m)
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is it separation or divorce because once married can never be satisfied with another marrage.
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femi4love (m)
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is it separation or divorce because once married can never be satisfied with another marrage.
Where is your source for the above, sir? |
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oje (m)
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If you ever get a second chance in life, always Look, think, consider, analyze and accept before you leap. People get married for different reasons, even if they don't accept it.
My question is: why did you accept to marry him? check your response to my question with what you are getting and make a decision on what to do.
shikenna!
All the best dear.
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Stardust (f)
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Dear poster, Just a few things I would like to say. Firstly, this man had a family before you met him. You accepted to marry him knowing this, and I hope you thought about what you were getting into before agreeing to marry him. His child and ex-wife are always going to be part of his life. My advice is that you accept this and look at ways by which you can get more involved. Don't let your jealousy of the ex and child drive a wedge between you and your husband. If you accept his ex-wife and tried to get on with her, things might just start brightening up.  Secondly, you say he is over protective everytime you go out. Well, you can't really blame him because, - You look good whenever you go out. It would only be natural for him to be jealous as other men will see you and find you attractive
- Could it be that he is treating you the same way as you treat him (accusing him of carrying on with his ex)? Think about it He could just be mirroring your own behaviour towards him.
Thirdly, if he is abusive, either verbally, mentally or physically. That is not acceptable. What I want to know is, what is your reaction when he is abusive? do you cuss him back or just stand there and take it? I would suggest that next time when he abusive, leave him to cool down, then talk to him. Explain how you feel about the whole situation and his relationship with his ex-wife. Tell him what your worries about their relationships are, and try to get more involved in their relationships. You are married to him, so you should share everything, he can't be having secret or private meetings with his ex-wife. With respect to the ex-wife being at every family gathering, you are just going to have to grind your teeth and bear it, because she is part of the family whether you like it or not. |
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FBS
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Hey Patsy, why don't you two have a heart to heart discussion, only there and then can you come up with a decision and believe in situations like this, ONLY GOD can help you. No amount of advises here can help, you are the one in that situation and ONLY YOU know exactly how you feel. Him being white is no excuse! But you must get on with your life, you should not be the second or third important person in his life, infact, you should be the first ( God supercedes though,). Remain blessed.
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toy boy
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Patsy,
what were your expectations when u married him?
where these expectations in tandem with the reality on ground?
if u actually knew all these before d marriage and u went along, then, you're not being truthful to your self about what you are experiencing now. Cos u can't just wish his son or ex wife away, they are part of his existence as well, but if u think theres so much attachment and leaning towards his ex? then u need to have a heart to heart talk with your hubby, then of course take d case to God.
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patsy782 (f)
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All attempts to discuss the matter with him yield nothing, no matter how heartfull,i do respect the fact that she is the mother of his daughter,which is something i don't object,and i have never accused him of having an affair with her, he is naturally so jealous,and about being verbally abusuve,he does thhat when he is drank and ends up apologizing the next day
I have just come to a conclusion that he doesnt have a clear vision about his future and that he's a bit confused, he says he loves me, but this is not my defination of love
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patsy782 (f)
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TOY BOY
Patsy,
what were your expectations when u married him?
where these expectations in tandem with the reality on ground?
if u actually knew all these before d marriage and u went along, then, you're not being truthful to your self about what you are experiencing now. Cos u can't just wish his son or ex wife away, they are part of his existence as well, but if u think theres so much attachment and leaning towards his ex? then u need to have a heart to heart talk with your hubby, then of course take d case to God.
I am not wishing his daughter and the woman away because i know they are part of his existance,when we got married he told me that the only relationship he has is with the daughter and not the woman, but it turned out to be the other way round, it still doesnt justify the long and often calls,the driving around and her camping at my place every three times in a week, you are right,the attachment and leaning towards his ex is my biggest problem
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FBS
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I have just come to a conclusion that he doesnt have a clear vision about his future and that he's a bit confused, he says he loves me, but this is not my defination of love 1. what is your definition of love??? 2. Do you love him? 3. If you 2 cannot find a compromise, then there is a huge fire on the mountain!!!! 4. It is very very very bad to be abusive, been drunk or not, personally, I see it as a lack of respect |
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chychy (f)
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My dear, hard as it is, n marriage being for better or worse, it is my honest opinion that both of u either go for counselling or a divorce. If you're ever going to have sanity of mind, body and spirit, u have to leave and i must add that i agree with those that say u should not give him child.[i][/i]
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BekinableG (m)
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who knows whether it is the childless situation that made him to reconcile with the ex-wife?
if u are a Christian remember your bible which state "what God has join together no man shall put asunder"
Biblically u don't have any right to put them apart. just like she too not having any upper hand on u. u both have equal right. except u go for devoice that is the only thing left. for u.
pray hard, and open your eyes there are some plans between the two of them.
remember somebody there love and cares for u.
chai!!!!!!.
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sheisnice (f)
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Pat, am so sorry u find yourself in this situation, but i want to tell u to trust God, wt Him all things are possible, He can make u to start loving your husband and hv a blissful marriage once again. Pray nd Trust God, your marriage will survive
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wakagirl
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From your post you are definitely not in a marriage if you have said the truth. I am suprised because the ex will never accept that if its the other way round, you need to part from that marriage with maturity, just talk to him and let him know you are no longer interested in the marriage but be careful you know how crazy they can behave, one just killed his ex wife, the kids and sister inlaw in London recently. God will see you through but you are definitely not in a marriage
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