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yomola (m)
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let me get this straight, you are married only 13 months, he spends a lot of his time with his ex-wife, fights with you, says he doesn't trust you, direspects you(says you can get fucked-- calling you a hooker?) and you thing you have a marriage?  and you are here making posts on nairaland? instead of filling a divorce?,  Honestyly[font=Lucida Sans Unicode][/font]
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D-reloaded (f)
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[color=#550000]let me get this straight, you are married only 13 months, he spends a lot of his time with his ex-wife, fights with you, says he doesn't trust you, direspects you(says you can get fucked-- calling you a hooker?) and you thing you have a marriage? and you are here making posts on nairaland? instead of filling a divorce?, Seriously. |
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angel101 (f)
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i think u need 2 take some time out to re evaluate your situation. and by taking time out i mean go away 4 a while. u will definitely come 2 your own conclusion
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pmdaboh (f)
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@Poster
Talking to the child's mother is not going to work, for she knows what she is doing when she comes around. It is not her, but your husband, that is allowing her, or who knows inviting her, to be an active member of your family in the first place.
Some comments were made about that is why it is best not to get in a relationship when there is an ex and a step child. Well in America, where a 23 year old can be on his/her second marriage already, it is hard to avoid that. Evidentally, they do not divorce as quickly or as much in Africa as they do there. And 23 is NOT to young to be married if that person is mature, financially stable, and is ready for such a committment.
Most American woman would NOT allow another woman to just come into her house (ex or no ex) and stay for a few hours. If your husband was SO OVERLY CONCERNED about having his child see that they (which I guess includes you too) are ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY, he should have stayed married to his ex. You do not have to allow or take that treatement--unless you knew in advance that you would be sharing your husband (for I understand men actually have two wives over there at the same time) and you agreed to it.
Life is too short to allow someone to hurt you like that. Move on with your life. Your husband has disrespected you, placed your feelings and YOUR position BEHIND his ex-wife, and I, for one, would NOT take that position. When you discover YOUR OWN WORTH AS A HUMAN BEING (for you seem to have allowed someone to tell you your value), you will be ready to move on.
If he does not understand or want to cater to your feelings as his present wife, then he does not LOVE you the way that he proclaims he does. His actions are SHOWING YOU who he really values more --his ex-wife and her feelings and his child. You are definitely LAST on his list.
I will pray for you, for I know how rejection feels as well (IT IS VERY PAINFUL).
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D-reloaded (f)
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[color=#000099][b
Some comments were made about that is why it is best not to get in a relationship when there is an ex and a step child. Well in America, where a 23 year old can be on his/her second marriage already, it is hard to avoid that. Not that hard if you avoid divorcees all together or at least the ones with children |
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pmdaboh (f)
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@D-reloaded
Can you tell your heart and emotions, "Do not love this person or that person for they are divorced?" Or is that the first thing you ask when you meet someone that interests you--" Have you been married before?" "Do you have any children? " That is a great conversation starter  . As if the person is not intelligent enough to know that you are placing them in the "Ok to date category" or "forget it category". You may just fall in love with a person that is divorced and has a child. Perhaps they were wonderful in the marriage and just married a person who was horrible.
Tell me how that works out. 
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Sweet T (m)
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@Patsy782
This is exactly why i oppose dating or marrying someone with kids, Baby mama drama ! Our people will see wahala with a rope in his hand and they start to put head for his armpit. Look here sister, i'll be frank with you. You are 23 and you have a lifetime ahead of you, get away from this man as quickly as your leg can take you. This is the sort of things white people do, i deal with them on a daily basis. sooner or later, him or his ex will be looking for away to take you out of the picture. Hopefully he has not taken out a life insurance policy out on you. If you have gotten your green card yet, good. Leave him and run like Carl Lewis. If not, you can write a letter to immigration and ask for a waiver for speedy process, i'm sure they should have something like that. This what happens to our women when they indulge in this white men, get used and dumped. When will our women realize that white men are not strong enough to handle stress ! They look for a quick way which is usually homicides !
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ireke (m)
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@poster.
I'm sorry if you already clarified these but I want to confirm 2 things.
1. Are they married or did they just have children together?
2. If they were married, were they FINALLY separated when you met him? as in were they through with the divorce proceedings?
If you can not answer the 2 questions emphatically, I'm sorry but you have taken yourself on a ride. Also, if you did not answer the second one in the affirmative, you are deceiving yourself. You are already a second wife.
You are aware of his child and th mother before you got married. Did you 2 sit down to talk about how the matter will affect your life? What was your position/agreement on the issue. I think you should reevaluate your position (where do you fall in the family setting? Are you happy with it?) and restrategize (walk out, sit still, have children etc.).
The matter will only get worse (at least from your point of view) and it will be nobody's fault but yours. people may not even sympathize with you as you (not the other woman first wife) will be seen as the home breaker.
As a matter of fact, ladies should run from men that tell them that they have a terrible wife and they are already planning to divorce the wife. Wait, Stay clear and let him sort himself out before you move into his life. According to Fela Anikulapo-Kuti, "if you follow follow, make you open eye,,,". There will always be single parents that are in need of true love but women (and men) need to open eye when they are talking about marriage. This applies to people dating single parents as well as "free" adults.
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D-reloaded (f)
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@D-reloaded
Can you tell your heart and emotions, "Do not love this person or that person for they are divorced?" Or is that the first thing you ask when you meet someone that interests you--" Have you been married before?" "Do you have any children? " That is a great conversation starter . As if the person is not intelligent enough to know that you are placing them in the "Ok to date category" or "forget it category". You may just fall in love with a person that is divorced and has a child. Perhaps they were wonderful in the marriage and just married a person who was horrible.
Tell me how that works out. Yes, such questions are important to me. I've learned that it's best to think with your head first before the heart. Only foolish women do otherwise. Instead of thinking of the future they rather think of "omg im so in love", give me a break. Why put yourself in a ridiculous situation where you are placed 2nd to a guy's first child all in the name of "love". I'll pass. Btw a decent man would tell you if he has a child or not from the beginning thus giving the woman the the choice to see whether or not she can deal with such a situation. Only a deceptive bastard would try to hide such information and why would anyone want to be with someone who's deceptive? |
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ifyalways (f)
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don't let yourself be used both as a fool and an instrumebt of reconcilation by both of them what is she still coming to the family meetings and gatherings for? dear me get out of the marriage fast . take heart and do learn too.  |
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Frankies (m)
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'@ Poster
I don't want to deceive you but before I tell you my mind .Can you think about these two questions
1. For how long did you know him before the marriage?
2. Did you not notice all these before the marriage?
So do you think that nothing is involved between the two sexually as you are made to believe by your hubby?
Please, don't deceive yourself, there is no real future in the marriage with the way things are going unless the man changes and leaves the other lady COMPLETELY.
I advise you talk to him and let him understand your faithfulness and predicament in the marriage at the same time.
For the mean time, do not allow any conception as of now until he changes for good. If all these did not work, your guess is as good as mine. No need of you deceiving your self in the name of marriage.
Whatever happens, remember that GOD IS NOT FOR GOD BUT FOR US. remember him altime.
Think about this critically
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patsy782 (f)
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@Ireke
They were never married before,they just have a kid together, am officially his first wife according to the goverment and church records,and of course we talked about the whole issue before we got married and he made it clear that he has nothing to do with the woman, it was just a big lie, i later realised
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D-reloaded (f)
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Just thank God you don't have kids with him yet. Please just leave and find someone without baggage.
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nalijah07 (f)
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@pmdaboh.
I really wish someone had given me this same advice when I was going through the EXACT SAME SITUATION as the poster. This ended up being a disaster for me because I stayed and tried to make it work (which it didn't). The more I tried, the more he took me for granted.
The funny thing is that I gave up the love of my life to be with this man, only to be totally disrespected throughout the whole relationship. Yes, life is definitely too short to stay in this situation. From my experience it will only get worse.
Do not even think of having a child with this man. This will only confuse your situation more. You are still young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Run for your life oh!
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wham (m)
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Embrace your challenges.
What attracted u to this marriage in the first place?
You chose your destiny.
Just 13 months and u are already screaming "Ojoro"
I could tell the man was white from the beginning of the tale
(I hope this post is 4 real sha, and is not just story)
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Blackcat (f)
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'patsy782' I have read all the good,bad and ugly advices you have received and this is my advice.
1. If you still love him do not divorce him, don't let another woman make you become a divorcee already.
2. Reach a compromise with your husband by letting the girl go to her mothers place three times a week instead of her coming over to your home.
3. PRAY and FAST at least for some hours, there is no marriage that does not have it's own problems and temptations and this (his Ex-Girlfriend) my dear is yours. Mine was in the name of my mother-in-law(I am also married to a white man) but I have conquered the battle.
Further to all the advices given don't ever for one second forget that you are black and he is white, because he or his family or friends will always look at you that way. Always arrange things for you and him to do so he does not have time to meet her. E.g going to movies, hiking, visiting friends, spending time alone with him e.t.c. Make his time table. Don't ever let him go out alone with anybody. Enter the car and let us see if his girl friend will push you out. As they are planning to go out, dress up and tell him you feel bored sitting at home.
Girl, I had to face my temptation (mother - in - law) for a whole six months but right now I plan who he sees when he sees whoever and what time he sees them.
I wish you all the best my dear interracial marriage is not easy, talkless of when an ex + pikin is involved. Good luck.
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Etin (f)
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@benedo
My dear etin,
Plsssssssssssssssssss get out of this sham that you are still dignyfying by calling a marriage, apparently you are very very sad and unhappy and with the littlle you have said, iv tried to project into the immediate and long term future with this man , ummmm it looks preetty baaaaaaaaaaaad.
I think you got the wrong name if you don't mind could you modify your posting to reflect the name of the poster. Thanks |
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krisbobo (m)
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@ All
My I humbly share a piece of advice with us all? Thanks. NEVER ADVICE ANYONE TO LEAVE A MARRIAGE! In fact, never advice anyone on the action to take in any circumstance. Never tell people what to do. The best you can do is to say that, were you to be in his/her shoes, so, so and so is what YOU would have done, and please leave it at that. Let the person be the one to decide what to do and not run under the pretense of the fact that she was advised, even if we all know that invariably he/she decided to follow the advice.
I say this because, taking this case as example, we actually do not know the whole story. we know only what she has told us and, in my opinion, that is not enough for the conclusions that have been reached by most of the contributors so far. Please understand that I am not trying to sound like I know it all; I don't and I am willing to learn, but the little I know of life has taught me to be careful in giving advice.
Let me bore you a little with something that happened in secondary school, A friend reported that his stepmum was maltreating him, we told him that he was stupid for taking that kind of rubbish from a woman and that if it had happened to any of us we would have beaten the datlight out of such a stupid woman.
As you must have guessed, our friend beat the poor woman to a pulp during the next holiday. He took our advice in totality.
I agree that the situations are different but I think it shows what people can do when they take advice literaly.
I do not believe that we have the full picture of this jist. I do not believe in coincidences. Whatever this man has turned to did not start today; what exactly did she see that she decided to spend the rest of her life with him? I do agree that she may be young but, as it as been said by others here, a 23 yr old is nolonger a kid these days. Patsy782, I am not questioning your noble intensions here and I am in no position to judge you. But lets all just, for a second, imagine that it is actually the man in question that started this thread and he told the story from his our perspective, what would we have been saying to him? I can bet my last kobo that the story would have been remarkably different.
After all said and done, the ball is in your court girl. Our people say "When a snail finds splinters in its shell it changes house" But the snail must ask itself first, how did my shell become splintered in the fist place.
I do believe that the man you married is not the man you are dealing with now. What went wrong? where your expectations realistic? No one ever knows why one person marries the other, but, again, ask yourself: why exactly did I marry this man?
I pray that God grants you wisdom to deal with all of this; it is never easy to live unhappily. whatever decision you come to, remember to be true to your heart and the God that lives therein.
I wish you peace.
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sod4luv (m)
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@Ireke
They were never married before,they just have a kid together, am officially his first wife according to the goverment and church records,and of course we talked about the whole issue before we got married and he made it clear that he has nothing to do with the woman, it was just a big lie, i later realised
Oh really? means he's jst playing you then, try and stay away frm them. |
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ignorant
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Why should you get married? Find you some prostitute on the street and make yourself confortable fool. Married is hell to me, that's why I da hit only prostitute. Give it a trial and you won't regret fool.
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FBS
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My I humbly share a piece of advice with us all? Thanks. NEVER ADVICE ANYONE TO LEAVE A MARRIAGE! In fact, never advice anyone on the action to take in any circumstance. Never tell people what to do. The best you can do is to say that, were you to be in his/her shoes, so, so and so is what YOU would have done, and please leave it at that. seconded, good talk, and like I also noted earlier, no amount of talk here can really solve your problem, though a problem shared is a problem half solved, but the decision is yours to take, be strong girl, stay true to yourself and God will give you peace, remain blessed. |
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jandor (f)
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Dear poster,i am very sorry to hear your story but i think you didn't create enough time to study him or because you were thinking its going to be okay if you get married to him.Since he is still seeing his baby mother things could still work out well between them again you never know and for you to have gotten married at 23 is never a crime.in as much as i preach against divorce, i think that is going to be the best option because anything can happen if you're still in there.I pray God to provide you a husband like a father and best friend just like mine.
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autopilot
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i wish i could give you an advice that would make your problems fly away, but thats not possible.
the decision is yours. what ever you decide should favour your wellbeing and state of mind.
its easy to tell you to leave him, but marriage is not a boyfriend- girlfriend issue.
so i suggest you talk to someone. eg, your mother. and see what she has to say.
ultimately, what ever you decide, you're going to have to live with, so make it count.
all the best.
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Frankies (m)
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@ All
My I humbly share a piece of advice with us all? Thanks. NEVER ADVICE ANYONE TO LEAVE A MARRIAGE! In fact, never advice anyone on the action to take in any circumstance. Never tell people what to do. The best you can do is to say that, were you to be in his/her shoes, so, so and so is what YOU would have done, and please leave it at that. Let the person be the one to decide what to do and not run under the pretense of the fact that she was advised, even if we all know that invariably he/she decided to follow the advice.
Good point , deserves to be noted. |
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MasterUwem (m)
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I think you guys married because of passion, beauty, or u married through green card, Internet or match makers.
remember u have been married and it is for better or for worse, you can't devorce, and this should sound as a warning to others.
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slimes (m)
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Embrace your challenges.
What attracted u to this marriage in the first place?
You chose your destiny.
Just 13 months and u are already screaming "Ojoro"
I could tell the man was white from the beginning of the tale
(I hope this post is 4 real sha, and is not just story)
I hope so too |
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weebee (f)
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Baby in my own candid opinion
I think your so called hubby married you to get his ex-wife jelouse and come back to him.
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denony (m)
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What God has joined, let no man put assunder.
No comment
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fobendo
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For the first instance, you are the second wife, has he paid on the first head?,if yes. that is his right wife, second wife is unscriptural, you have to make restitution by praying for your rightful husband to come.ok
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Blackcat (f)
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For the first instance, you are the second wife, has he paid on the first head?,if yes. that is his right wife, second wife is unscriptural, you have to make restitution by praying for your rightful husband to come.ok
'fobendo' read the thread again, she said her husband was never married to the ex. She also said she is the legal wife(court+church) |
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Blackcat (f)
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Least I forget 'patsy782' whats happening??? Its been a while since you gave us updates.
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patsy782 (f)
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@Blackcat
hi black cat, here's the update, about organizing activities to do together,i think it can't work because he always says that,when he walks with me he'll end up fighting which is something he's trying to avoiding since he can't stand it when the other people look at me and may be when i respond to greetitns from my fellow african brothers and sisters, the daughter doesnt live with us but she comes every weekend-from friday to sunday, but somehow i still have to see the woman in the middle of the week, even when we don't expect her, and when the kid is here,she still has to call endlessly.he once told me that the only time he'll walk with me when we go to africa is when am taking him to my home, and the rest of the days,he'll be walking with my dad, he believes that all the black men have big tools and that this is what drives me crazy, he only thinks so,thats what he says . i have never talked or mentioned anything about this, but nevertheless,i have to listen to this song everyday
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