Twice Unfaithful And Lazy Husband: Should I End This Marriage?

@ POSTER
FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS
PLEASE KEEP THE FAMILY TOGETHER
at least do all in your powers, except if circumstances is beyond your control

SEE MADAM, WHY ARE YOU ASKING WHEN YOU HAVE MADE UP YOUR MIND, COS FROM WHAT I CAN DEDUCE FROM WHAT YOU SENT IS THE GUY PICKED YOU WHEN YOU ARE NOTHING AND MADE YOU SOME BODY, NOW YOU KNOW YOU ARE MORE EDUCATED THAN HE IS, AFTER SACRIFICING TO MAKE You SOMEONE ALL YOU DO IS SAY ALL THESE NONSENSE. DIDNT YOU SEE THAT HE IS LAZY BEFORE YOU MARRIED HIM, NOW THE ONLY IMPORTANT THINGS ARE YOUR CHILDREN.
YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU HAVE SOMEONE ELSE YOU WANT TO RUN TO, SO, DONT BOTHER US.
YOU ARE NOT ASHAMED OF YOURSELF, AFTER 11 YRS OF MARRIAGE THIS IS THE THANK YOU, YOU WILL GIVE HIM.
YOU SAID HE CHEATED TWICE, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU CHEATED ON HIM? YOU DIDNT TELL US,GO AND SIT DOWN AND FOLLOW YOUR NEW FRIEND.
YOU ARE A DISGRACE

qThat is usually how it goes.

I wonder if any of the imbceiles syaing "oh just pray about it. beg your husband" would allow THEIR daughters or sisters to tolerate such rubbish from any man. Hypocritical jackasses.




Thank you ,Please tell them.

Any man that beats up a woman is nothing but a fucking coward and a weakning of the highest order.Posters imagine if this poor lady in question was your sister,dauther,or a loved one.Let us be realistic and objective.As far as am concerned the guy had no reason to beat a woman,whatever reason he had,has been overshadowed by his cowardice act,he had the guts to beat her to pulp after been caught in the greatest and most shameful offence of a married couple.And woman you still need someone to tell you to RUN RUN RUN while you still breath at least if not for any other reason but for the sake of your beautiful and intelligent daugther,they deserve much better.

Some says stay, because of your daughters, because your husband is going through issues, some pray. I  still say do whatever pleases you. You can stay for your daughters and not live long enough to tell them the examples or they might not be seeing the examples you are showing. You can stay for your husband or whatever but i will say stay for yourself but note if you are staying you better breed a boy fast you know men want replica, if not. If you decide to go as well go for yourself as well, its your life live it. At the end we will all go to the same place, married, single, divorce, seperated all die so enjoy the only chance and GOD gave you, your right to decide let nobody deprive you of that.

@Almondjoy
Sincerely, am of the school of thought that believes that any man that raises his hands against his wife/mother/sister/girlfriend surely needs to see a Shrink. So i condemn the man's action in it's entirety.

But if u read the post asides your prejudice, u'll discover the man had not been beating her these 11 years as u presume. The relationship was once blossoming untill something snapped. So, the issue is how do they get their groove back, knowing they got 2 kids to look after.

Most times it looks too simple for single ladies to advice married ones with difficulties to just run away from their matrimonial homes, and that's why most men loathe the idea of their wives maintaining friendship with their single friends.
What if all they need is to see a good marriage counsellor who will help them look at their situation and fashion a way of putting things back the way they were? Life's challenges are meant to be overcome inorder to be stronger. The one u run away from will go and wait for u at some other point, that's why most divorcees go into 2nd, 3rd,  marriages and fail again because all they do is run, when the going gets tough.

Do u think it's that easy to walk away from someone u've shared a good part of your life with just like that? when u look at the statistics of kids raised under broken homes, u'll agree with me that the society at large bears the brunt at the end of the day as most of them turn out to be delinquents.

i only wish the lady will throw more light on how things got awry so that we will know how the once prince charming turned out to become an ogre.

Whatever your name is, I suggest you carry that dirty ass of yours out of this thread right now.

You dey mad? You dey craze? or you mad craze before?

Just because some mumu give you computer, you think you can spread your foolishness all over the place.

Thunder go fire the fingers you use take post this absurd and useless comment of yours.

i mean what was the reason he beat her in the first place? not aggravation on her part, but in defense of his own crime of infidelity. it has gone beyond counselling. she needs to let it breathe

My first hunch will be to tell the woman to walk away with her kids. She is in a position to look after herself. After taking time out and assessed situation from all angles, one can say let there be counselling and mediation between the couple to see if they can work things out. If only and if both want to. You cannot force anyone to be with you.

If ever that happens, what needs to precede that is that, the woman needs to leave the famiy home and be by herself with her kids. Without that you can never take yourself out of the scenario and be objective. The mere sight of your husband irritates you. How are you supposed to be affectionate and be his 'soulmate'?

You don't try and be someone's soulmate. You either are or are not.

Why did I go this route? (This is just my opinion) I believe a lot of the African/Nigerian men feel it is their right to have as many women as possible and the women should remain pure.    They have the last word. Afterall their wives should submit themselves to the husbands and what not. You should be able to take what you dish out. I'm not advocating a free for all shag fest. Some men should realise that a woman might have had a past before you started dating her.

I'm not a very strong christian, but yes the Bible says the woman should submit themselves to the husbands. The Bible also says the husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church. If you want to decipher that properly, the husband shouldn't have been unfaithful and thereafter been violent towards his wife. It doesn't work like that.

In the spirit of forgiveness, the wife should forgive her husband and the husband so 'sin no more'. If not, then reconcilation is out of the question. The woman shouldn't have to suffer in this manner even if she's become more successful over the years and her husband resents her for it. She shouldn't have to suffer for her ambitiousness.

You can forgive but it takes a while to forget if you ever forget anyway.

Now to the guys who are flaying the woman because she is upset her husband cheated on her twice and said that is nothing. Answer these questions in all honesty. Would you be able to handle your wife cheating on you once? Would you be able to look her in the eye? Would society forgive her? Would you stay with her because you have kids.

Perhaps I'm too westernised but I believe you should dish only what you can take.

most of us do, understands what is mean by being cheated up, we women forgive because the last thing you want is having another kok stuffed up your azz or a new one rammed into your mouth. this ingrate of a man beat his wife down to a pulp, i rest my case most men are idiot.

THANKS EVERYONE,

I HAVE READ YOUR COMMENTS AND SOME ARE VERY UPLIFTING WHILE OTHERS ARE HURTFUL FOR THE RECORD:

A. MY HUSBAND HAS NEVER PAID A SINGLE CENT TOWARDS MY EDUCATION IN TERMS OF FEES, BOOK ALLOWANCE YOU NAME IT. I THANK GOD THAT I HAVE ALWAYS DONE VERY WELL IN MY EXAMS AND AS A RESULT I HAVE BEEN EDUCATED THROUGH VERY COMPETITIVE SCHOLARSHIPS BOTH INTERNATIONAL AND LOCALLY. I HAVE NEVER REDUCED MY WORTH IN COMPETING FOR THESE SCHOLARSHIPS. I AHVE ALWAYS APPLIED LIKE ANY OTHER INDIVIDUAL

B. I AM NOT A NIGERIAN BUT I AM AFRICAN AND I HAVE ALWAYS LIKED THIS FORUM AND I AM A FREQUENT VISITOR TO IT.

C. I EVEN WENT FURTHER TO PAY FOR MY OWN HUSBAND'S EDUCATION WHEN I GOT DONE WITH MY MASTERS AND HE SHOWED INTEREST IN FURTHERING HIS EDUCATION. I DID THE NECESSARY.  CURRENTLY I AM IN THE US FINISHING UP MY PHD. THE MOMENT I BOARDED THE PLANE HERE IS THE SAME DAY MY HUSBAND DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL.

D. WHEN I WENT BACK HOME I FOUND OUT THAT HE HAD BEEN TELLING HIS RELATIVES THAT HE IS JOINING ME IN THE US SO HE DID NOT SEE A NEED TO FINISH HIS EDUCATION. WE HAD NOT PLANNED TO COME TO THE US AT ALL AS A FAMILY SINCE WE HAD SO MANY ASSETS BACK HOME (FOR YOUR INFORMATION) HE SQUANDERED EVERY BIT OF IT WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND.

E. I HAVE TRIED TO BE HUMBLE FOR MY KIDS SAKE BUT I FEEL I AM THE ONE WHO IS SUFFERRING MORE THAN I CAN IMAGINE. IDECIDED TO BRING THE FAMILY TO THE US MAYBE FOR SOME TIME HE MIGHT CHANGE BUT ALAS HE IS BECOMING MORE OF A BURDEN THAN EVER.

I AM AT CROSSROADS,

I MA A DECNET AFRICAN WOMAN. FOR THOSE WHO THINK I AM DUMB AM SURE YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN MARRIED BEFORE BUT FOR THOSE WHO ARE MARRIED UNDERSTAND THE KIND OF STRENGTH IT TAKES JUST TO REMAIN SANE. PLEASE LET YOUR COMMENTS KEEP FLOWING. I FEEL HEALING. FOR THOSE WHO SENT ME THEIR EMAILS I WILL WRITE SOON.

THANKS AGAIN

@ poster

this case is serious but i feel there are still a lot of tins u did not tell us in u pathetic but short story, i feel for you so mucgh because i have seen guys brutalise their wife's and at times vice versa,  it is not palatable at all,

i want u to do the following

1, seek counselling from trusted and tried people,  not just those who will pity u but that will tell u the truth
2. i don't blve divorce is the solution
3. cconsider your lovely kids
4. the romance was sweet before now,  both of u contributed to it becoming now sour and bitter. chck inside u first ,  u playd a part to make it this worse after all it did not start int h first or seecond yr
5. did u really know him and his xter, attributes before marriyng him , because its ike u met for ony one year before marrying, (which is tho' not too bad but we, u now what i mean
6. u need to dialogue with your hubby
7. i have found out that tho' the man s the head the woman  is the neck//,  whilst the head is POWER , the Neck =  INFLUENCE
8. I dnt know if u are a xtian but please study GODS WORD VERY WELL and get close to God now,,,gather your kids togther and pray
9. at such prayer time s (morning and evening) don't preach against your hubby to your kids,  just pry for the family,  and if he is there be very wise and discreet. don't use it as an avenue to judge or criticise him
10. i know what he has done is hurting but FIND SOLACE IN GOD

i have more to say but let me ask u this question(s)
1. how and where did u catch him doing the act
2. when
3.what was happening before that time between both of u
4. how close are u to his family
5. are u in agreement with them(the family)
6. have u told them al this
7. do u challenge him often and attack him
8. do u keep late nites
9. has he ever suspected u or accused u before this act

Hmmm

please try and answer them inside and if u can here ,  send me mail  at gemsofgrace@yahoo.com

REMEBER GOD CAN DO ALL THINGS AND HE HAS A BETTER PLAN FOR BRINGING UR GUYS TOGETHER IN THE FIRST PLACE
HE LOVES You SO MUCH, He can heal your wounded heart

GOD BLESS

You need to find out why the change and try to help him if you consider he is still changeable to his old former self. After all when you met him and earlier years he was such a nice person. What or who turned him into this monster over the years ? Try to see how you can get back to the old state when love reigns with good compliments all the way as against complaints  that may be reigning full blast from both sides at the moment. Perhaps you can heal the relationship. Also you need to talk and try to understand things that you do that hurt him or make him feel threatened.

As per beating. I do not support it. However who threw the first punch. I am not saying that even if you threw the first punch he has the right to beat you other than defend himself and get away from arms way.

why is it that everytime a man beats his wife it is always the woman that caused it?I think we all need to start thinking straight and living in the real world and not in the Africa of the 80s!!


@Post Life is too short for us to spend it waiting and wondering why people behave the way they do.You should thank your stars that you have a good career .My advice to you is same advice I will give anyone even my sister-If you can't stand the heat Get out Of the Kitchen .Talk to your husband and if that doesnt't work LEAVE!!!!!!!!.Most people who tell you to stay back and endure are only saying it because they have enduring spirits and strong personalities.You know yourself my sister.Trust me if he disables or kills you he might not even wait for you to be put in the ground before he gets another woman.And if and when he decides to take another wife he most definitely will not come to Nairaland to ask for advice!.So my dear If u be Catholic and you no wan divorce am then separate till your head clears-even the church accepts that.
Everywoman has a right to life, happiness and Peace Of Mind-even if she is married to , [i][/i]

@cecegorz

I don't think you understand the viscious cycle of domestic violence. It only takes one time and you can't stop it most of the time. The is no greater sin on earth than when you are selfish even to yourself.  This poster does not even know what is good for her at all.  I am surprised she got as far as she did educationally.  What a shocker! The emotional scars run deep and manifests in all kinds of ways unto the children.  See a shrink?  Well, goodluck to all of you!

@poster
Please do whatever the hell you want to do.  Have a merry Xmas and a happy 2008! I am very pleased that you are not a Nigerian--so need to waste anymore time with you.  


I think this woman is a mad woman for real!  Like you were reading my mind.  Nothing more to say.  The poster is lost and can never find her way home.  Keep looking like a pulp, poster!  That is really all you are good for!  Enjoy!

Next topic please.

Feesha,
No, I am not. I am just a student of experience.
But,
Nihil ce-M,
you got it all mixed up. You are dead wrong. Advices are given based on the nature of the problem and not gender. I hope you have a post by a man who was beaten to stupor by his wife. You see, men can be a victim of domestic violence too. But their pride won't let them come into open to say it. .

For your information, it is wrong to quit a marriage just because you encounter difficulty. While, I am always in support of divorce to seperate couples that can't mend their fence. I strongly believe divorce should be the last option when common sense fail.

Moreover, the most idiotic thing any woman can do is to walk out on her marriage without knowing what went wrong and without learning one or two lessons from the failed marriage. I tell you in truth, I have seen such a lady. She went into another marriage and the same thing happened. It took her the third marriage before she know that she was the problem. Sadly, she had children for all the men!

Shinatu,
kindly re-read my posts again. You picked up what you want. I am never in support of wife beaters, but, I am smart enough to know that even a mad man won't attack you without external provocation. There is always a reason behind every aggresssive acts.

alimondjoy,
as usual, I saw the wisdom in your words. Zoom time!

Who gives a bloody damn on what mistakes were made? As long as beating is involved the most idotic thing a female can do is STAY and "think" he'll change. Abusers NEVER change. They just tend to hide it well.
I hope you tell a sister or whomever to stay in an abusive relationship all in the name of  "I don't believe in sdivorce" but you believe in a woman dying for the cause.