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hola2ng (m)
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I took just one step,i put my best foot forward
in my mind i thought i could make it,on my own
and on my own as i watched helplessly,i fell
the world that i held in my hands delicately,fell with me
it came crashing down heavily,rainfalls on rooftops
Looking into the distance to find the vague sunset
i saw the yellowish rays it cast upon the clouds
and the clouds in turn further drifted along
in my mind i wanted them to be closer and i thought
it would be nicer if you were here as well,just us
you and me against the weather,and the world too
Leaning on the shoulder of time shortly after
it waited for me,although it waits for no one else
i danced with the winds,just me in the cold breeze
just me against the sculptured world
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hola2ng (m)
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Asleep to the darkness outside
windows pitch black and deep
a little seed springing forth underneath
Sounds of running feet prevail
whispers aren't meant to be so loud
and shouts weren't made to be so soft
If eternity can be grasped while aloft
and childhood memories ever so loved
a little of everything adds up eventually
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beneli (m)
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I have just checked out some of your poems.
You have a lot of depth and i have enjoyed the much that i have read; thank you for writing them.
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hola2ng (m)
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Thank YOU beneli,for taking time to read my scribbles(that's what i call them). Appreciate that.
Cheers!
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biife
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good effort dear,
could your scribble be typed in more legible font?
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ADESUWA (f)
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I wish i could write poems like you, they only get good whn i use verse perfect
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hola2ng (m)
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Adesuwa, try writing what's in your heart. Maybe that'd help.
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eldee (m)
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I took just one step,i put my best foot forward
in my mind i thought i could make it,on my own
and on my own as i watched helplessly,i fell
the world that i held in my hands delicately,fell with me
it came crashing down heavily,rainfalls on rooftops
Looking into the distance to find the vague sunset
i saw the yellowish rays it cast upon the clouds
and the clouds in turn further drifted along
in my mind i wanted them to be closer and i thought
it would be nicer if you were here as well, just us
you and me against the weather,and the world too
I think that part got a little overly descriptive, it was almost turning into a novella
Leaning on the shoulder of time shortly after
it waited for me,although it waits for no one else
you got a potential blindfold there but u wasted it by revealing the suspense with weak layman's english
try- it waited for me, though from others it galloped away
i danced with the winds,just me in the cold breeze
just me against the sculptured world
I'm not really a good poet but know I really prefer when people critically breakdown my poems to make me better rather than just seeing the good parts. I've seen ur other poems and I feel ur really deep way of presenting simple things. that's a gift i'm tring to develop. Most of my poems are just what i write when i have that feelin and i'm never able t stop myself from throwing them into the trashcan. |
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hola2ng (m)
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@eldee Your critical appraise is most welcome. In the poem what i had hoped to attain was a difference, a perspective of sorts to portray overt sentiments. All in all it came out in that order,and the responses as well. good effort dear,
could your scribble be typed in more legible font?
@biife More eligibility next time,yer. Cheers! |
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