Surviving Nairaland For Dummies! An Unofficial Guide

It is my belief that as the year 2007 comes to an end, many Nairalanders including myself would have benefitted from a Dummy's Guide or Handbook to surviving Nairaland and Nairalanders.   Well, it is never too late to learn except you are an "old dog" who can never be taught "old tricks" not to talk of new ones.

Dear Nairaland New Members and Graduating Class of 007:


Here are simple tips to get you on the right track and "far from the maddening crowd"!  Goodluck in your days to come on Nairaland.  Since you are here for an education of a lifetime, you must be bold and courageous.  Please pay carefull attention so I do not have to tell you "I TOLD YOU SO"!!! Just 10 simple lessons learned from Nairaland.

1.   *No need to introduce yourself. Since Nairaland has almost 200,000 active and ghost posters, older members cannot afford to keep up with aaaall - o' - y'aaaaall---and are frankly tired to the eyebrow of welcoming you after you have been banned like 20 times or more. So just make your wave quietly as you go along--and hopefully--you will be noticed on your meritorious contributions if applicable. Think carefully about your "sexcapades" you want to share with us and be ready to stand by them if some sanctimonious, arse-licking fools decide to query you about them! --Always be proud of what you are with no ounce of regret at all! ---In other words--NO SHAKIN' If they want to die--gladly pay for their funerals in advance and help them pick their cemetary plots and tombstone!



2.   *Before you reply older posters, go through their profiles and past posts to see if it is worth your while---Really wish I had.   You may have saved yourself a lot of headache by avoiding most dummies and retards. Higher cognitively functioning members are featured in sectons like Politics, Business, Technology and so on.  Middle rangers are seen in Culture, Family and Religion. Lower functioning members with the lowest of all IQs ever recorded are ALWAYS featured in Romance and Sexuality only---- "The PP" threads--(The pussies and pricks threads)---for pure jokers--with severe neurological handicaps!!!!
We are still looking for a category for "Forum and Games"---The ultimate merry go round for imbeciles--- that one is in a class of its own--under special consideration and has defied all explanation and analysis!  Sheer stupor--caused by people constantly running around in circles!!!!--Do not go in there if you suffer from "dizzy spells"



3.   *If you must have a crush on a fellow member--nothing wrong with you expressing yourself--just make sure it ends on Nairaland--and not to exceed 3 months of feeling that crush so you do not look jobless- Sure everyone here has seen a "private" in his or her lifetime--so Nairaland is not the best place to look for one. Find another crush please---change them frequently as they go quite stale quickly and soon begin to stink to the high heavens.

Most are not whom you want to associate with in "real time or world affairs"---for they are so so so so fake, it is not even funny. Several e-mails or YIMs with them and you are like OKAY?---??? ---what the hell was that all about?Ask the YIMMERS and the E-MAILERS--about their experiences! Some have been positive - I would like to believe, but my good God!----, most have been betterly disgraceful.  Better to disgrace yourself on Nairaland than to do so in your "waking moments"-for all to hear about!   Keep your Nairaland life totally apart from your Nigerian life.  The two must never have a "meeting" point to avoid unnecessary complications in your "world"! --NIGERIANS ESPECIALLY CAN NEVER KEEP SECRETS AND TALK TOO BLOODY MUCH!!!!

If you ever dream of "shagging a Nairaland member" let it end there.  If not--you will find out that it would definitely "super suck"-- to the point of spiritual annihilation if you ever tried to realize that fantasy. Most are still single--without any sense of direction, still searching---and free to mingle.  DO NOT BE USED AS A GUINEA PIG!!!!!   Get the real thing outside Nairaland and keep the rest as "crushes"! Learn from other members' experiences or you may become psychotically suicidal having allowed a " rabid dog to lick your plate"!!!!



4.   *If you must indulge in multiple-user ID scams--please in the name of God, make sure you are fully awake when you post under your 419 names.   Many have been caught in their own lies and what a shameful way to "kill" your own thread.  Nothing as sickening as a Lie-Lie thread.  Takes the fun out of it. Besides, you are not helping our collective "Nigerian" reputation as 419ners if you cannot tell your lies without being caught on a public forum.  If you want to tell "white" lies on Nairaland--be the most convincing liar you can be.  You are a Nigerian, and it comes naturally!



5.   *If you must post your pictures on your profile page, please make sure you have only the best.  Please "fix" your hair and do not bite your nails--ladies and gentlemen!!!! Your images are being downloaded all over the world and you might want to look your very best!!! Please cover up all the fat and unwanted hairs!



6.   *There is nothing wrong with cliques--find your comfort zones.  Since Nairaland is made up of different age groups and different levels of experience, it is only natural that you bond with people of like "mentality".  That is what the "Forum Games" is for.  To each his or her own.  Make yourself happy while you are here and learn not to bother a poop drop what others think of you--since you never plan to meet them anyway---WHO CARES?   And even if you do meet them WHO DARES?---No one feeds you so you should not think twice about them.  Just do your thing and to hell with the rest!!!!!!



7.   *Avoid revealing any personal details about yourself.  Keep your religious beliefs at under your pillow before you step into Nairaland.  Learn to lie expertly and stick to your lies. NEVER GET CAUGHT IN YOUR OWN LIE!!!!  Whosoever wants to verify your stories can track you down to your doorstep if he or she is having sleepless nights about you--or is supernaturally jobless.   Your friends in your "real" world know who you are. 

Here on Nairaland, you are not here to please the "world".  Unless you are at the stage where making friends is important to you.  Then you may suit yourself.  But be warned---for when things get "sour", like true Nigerians---you will be insulted with everything from your E-mail addy to your emoticons used on Nairaland.  So save  a lot of fibs you can use to give the "gossip" lovers things to stew on---While you have the time of your life--laughing with your friends at home and at work.!



8.    *Rules about YIMMINGS & E-MAILs to "short-lived" crushes.  Only write or type what you would be proud of if ever your love interest goes "wacko" on you and decides to broadcast your "rendezvous" all about Nairaland-You-Yube! Be prepared to stand by your YIMMINGS AND YAMMINGS!    If you exchange pictures----goodluck sha if you later find out that your love interest is an "agbero first class"!!!!   You are finished!!!!!! As they say, it is a man's world.  So ladies, you have to be careful which type of dog you decide to allow to "sniff" at your precious cargo--be careful! Make sure it is not a homeless dog with rabies!



9.   *No matter how interesting a topic might be, do not spend much time on one thread.--Unless you are in rapport with the poster who originally posted a topic.  Fellow posters like you, are often rude and aggravating when they do not agree with you and resort to all kinds of insults to show their inability to respect themselves and others. Learn to make new friends for NO ONE IS INDISPENSIBLE!!!! Post your reply and ignore the rest--unless you like/or absolutely detest whom you are dealing with--then you can invest time and energy accordingly.  If you absolutely hate a fellow poster's guts, after 3-6 months on Nairaland--you would have learned to be fully armed to the teeth in cyber warfares or learned to be immune to dealing with imbeciles--unless it is an inate gift you were born with from the very beginning. Pick only battles worth fighting for!



10.  *Finally, if you are banned--it is a badge of honour not disgrace.  You are a force to be reckoned with and you have caused enough people sleepless nights to honour you with the utmost attention!   Wear your crown proudly--for some of us are not interested in accumulating 50,000 in one year under the same fossilized "user ID"!  While some might take pride in that--God bless them--others are not really interested in becoming relics on Nairaland---So choose your goals carefully and stick with YOUR PLANS!--You are unique, so never try to be like anyone else!  Love your self for what, and whom you are.  ENVY NO ONE!--No one is worth all that attention!!!!!!




   *In conclusion---AlmondJoy---A.K.A---A.K.A----A.K.A----A.K.A----A.K.A-----A.K.A.----What next? has graduated from a Novice on Nairaland to an Expert on Nairaland in 6 months--took that long--but it was worth all the joy at my finger tips!   Come 2008, please post your shit and I post mine!  If you do not get a response---then you are    I will only respond to ORIGINAL POSTERS AND NOT RIFF RAFF CO-POSTERS!!!! For retarded posters who keep re-posting topics on virginity and other banal/redundant  pussy-licking and prick sucking topics--please learn to re-invent yourselves or just simply take a break from Nairaland instead of coming back with your nauseating 1-post openings lines.  You are really boring!  Get your own diploma--and graduate to the next step of surviving Nairaland---which is


DEALING WITH REAL ISSUES NOT TRIFFLING PEOPLE!!!!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND THE BEST OF 2008!!!!

 

omfg aj is on another level,  this freaking cracked me up,  gotta love yu mehn,  miss yu lots, mwahhhhhhh

have a nice holiday as well sweetie,  see ya 2008,  mwahhh

 ;d

 

i'll make it downloadable in pdf format