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What Men Really Want From Marriage - Family - Nairaland

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What Men Really Want From Marriage by bukatyne(f): 10:53am On Aug 24, 2016
Samantha Rodman ( blogger) asked a male reader to take us into the male mind, and answer the question, “What do men really want from marriage?” He did a bang-up job, and here it is, in honor of Father’s Day!

From Samantha's Guest:
So when I was asked to write what men wanted out of marriage and to keep it under 1000 words, I figured I could probably give a succinct answer in ten words or less: be the girlfriend they were dating before you got married. That is the TLDR version for any of you with small children climbing on in and out of your lap whilst you are trying to read Dr. Psych Mom’s wisdom.

The more drawn out explanation of what your husband is looking for out of your marriage follows that theme, but I will give some more specifics. The cliché goes something along the lines of “men marry a woman hoping she will never change, and women marry a man hoping to change him.” The reality is that everyone changes in some capacity, but it isn’t exactly how we intended. In general 90% of your husbands need four things out of your marriage: sex, a cheerleader (read emotional support), tolerance for his hobbies, and keep a lid on the criticism. When you were dating, you most likely batted above average in all of these categories, but after marriage I’m betting your on base percentage slipped a bit.

Sex (as 90% of you roll your eyes) is the 51% for the vast majority of guys. Everything else can be great, but if your guy is unhappy with his sex life, he will not be happy with the relationship as a whole. This is the single most important variable in the equation. When you were dating, you were never too tired, dishes in the sink didn’t keep you from being in the mood (if his apartment was anything like mine, it was way worse than your house), oral or whatever other proclivity he had was likely a common ingredient. After marriage the most important thing to him seems to have become a chore for you (imagine if he told you a few times a week that whatever you were wearing didn’t look good, how would that make you feel?). It’s taking a pin to his self-esteem balloon. Oral is suddenly “disgusting or degrading”….but it didn’t seem to be when he had to make the decision on who to marry. Porn very easily becomes the other woman, it never says no, it’s willing to do whatever he’s into without judgement, and he doesn’t have to clean the kitchen and give it a 30 minute backrub before it’s interested.

Cheerleading: When you were dating, you were your boyfriend’s cheerleader, you joined him in his successes, treated him like the captain of the football team (or debate team……whatever your cup of tea is). You told him how awesome he was, you found his ability to make beer in his dorm room an indication of how creative and smart he was. When he found success, whether it was in sports, passing chemistry, getting the big promotion to bartender; you were the first arms that he ran into to celebrate. Do you still do that? Do you still think he’s smart and creative, have you shown that to him in any way?

Hobby: So back to the beer making thing, 99.999% of guys have some sort of hobby, if not a couple. I bet when you were dating, you’d listen for hours while he talked about what he was passionate about. Maybe he had a sketch in his dorm room for the perfect beer bong design. A few years ago my best friend and I were going hunting early in the morning….but got out late because his then girlfriend (now wife) was convinced the deer could tell if she had eye liner on or not at 5am. Regardless, she was making a huge effort to pay attention to something that was important to him, and I don’t think she’s made a return to the deer woods since putting that ring on. Men show affection by sharing what they find most interesting or important; the displacement on the new engine going in their hot rod, pros and cons of graphite over aluminum golf clubs, gearing ratios in bicycles, specific gravity of beer, and different trigger assemblies in their favorite gun. When your husband is telling you about these, it is his way of bonding with you……how did you act when you were dating when he did the same?

Criticism is the cancer that kills relationships for men. Watch other guys wince when you start criticizing your husband in public. For many couples, had the guy received the amount of criticism he got after getting married, he wouldn’t have chosen her in the first place. I’m not exactly sure what happened for us to find this socially acceptable, but if you were his girlfriend his friends would make fun of him. As his wife, his friends will just avoid you (and him). On the blog comments, I see people refer to this as emotional abuse when the man does it to the woman. How do you want your son’s wife to treat him one day? You have a choice in how you speak to the most important person in your life.

So what should you take away? Your husband chose you for a reason; has anything deviated from that? If you found yourself single again, would you act the same way with a new boyfriend as you do with your husband?

_____

Thank you for that awesome guest post, anonymous male reader! Leave him your comments below, and share if you found this helpful or interesting! Read more about how to make your husband happy here.

Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Ask Your Husband If This Is How He Feels.

http://www.drpsychmom.com/2016/06/18/men-really-want-marriage-guest-post/

SO husbands..... is this what you want? smiley

2 Likes

Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by bukatyne(f): 10:55am On Aug 24, 2016
Let the comments keep pouring in!
Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by 5minsmadness: 11:07am On Aug 24, 2016
Ah, finally.
Someone talking about what men want for a change!

1 Like

Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by bukatyne(f): 11:13am On Aug 24, 2016
5minsmadness:
Ah, finally.
Someone talking about what men want for a change!

Welcome to the thread

Women have always heard what men want/ how to be good wives on our side of the divide. Compare the amount of wives/women seminar to that of husbands/men.

This article was written from the POV of a western man/husband.

Wonder what a typical Nigerian's will be like? Perhaps chores, well kept home, obedience, good food, sex, etc.??


Modified to welcome you smiley

3 Likes

Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by quivah(f): 11:14am On Aug 24, 2016
this might be right to an extent,, but where's the food and submission..
I think majority of guys will take sex,food,submission over hobby or whatever that is up there.

well, I'm not a guy...just talking based on the general views of guys here..
Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by Nobody: 11:15am On Aug 24, 2016
Confirmed!!! grin cheesy kiss
Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by quivah(f): 11:16am On Aug 24, 2016
bukatyne:


Women have always heard what men want/ how to be good wives on our side of the divide. Compare the amount of wives/women seminar to that of husbands/men.

This article was written from the POV of a western man/husband.

Wonder what a typical Nigerian's will be like? Perhaps chores, well kept home, obedience, good food, sex, etc.?
good I wasn't the only one who thought so too.

guess I will patiently wait on this one
Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by bukatyne(f): 11:18am On Aug 24, 2016
CrazyQuinn:
Confirmed!!! grin cheesy kiss

Welcome to this thread...

Are you a husband/ did you ask yours?
Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by Nobody: 11:19am On Aug 24, 2016
Sex that is claimed to be the most important thing still doesn't guarantee a happy marriage. You'll see a woman who can give it to her husband in what ever form or style he wants it, yet, salad go still dey hungry them.

I know of married men who will tell you they go without having sex for months, does that mean they don't have a happy home?

Married men here, please help out with ur opinions o.

1 Like

Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by Nobody: 11:22am On Aug 24, 2016
sad sorry I dont understand you
bukatyne:


Welcome to this thread...

Are you a husband/ did you ask yours?
Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by Nobody: 11:25am On Aug 24, 2016
Men only want 3 Rs...

1.Respect me.
2. Respect my family
3. Respect yourself.

And every other thing would be added unto you.....
Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by quivah(f): 11:26am On Aug 24, 2016
kennygee:
Sex that is claimed to be the most important thing still doesn't guarantee a happy marriage. You'll see a woman who can give it to her husband in what ever form or style he wants it, yet, salad go still dey hungry them.


I know of married men who will tell you they go without having sex for months, does that mean they don't have a happy home?


Married men here, please help out with ur opinions o.
I Dont think the op is putting ALL men into one category. its more like what a typical man wants kinda post.
so it doesn't matter if mister A and wife had sex three years ago, the essence is when/how HE wants it, was she there?

1 Like

Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by eph12(m): 11:27am On Aug 24, 2016
Well put.


Though you forgot to add pray for one hour and cook food
Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by bukatyne(f): 11:29am On Aug 24, 2016
quivah:

good I wasn't the only one who thought so too.

guess I will patiently wait on this one

Welcome to this thread

@Bold: Awaiting too
Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by bukatyne(f): 11:30am On Aug 24, 2016
CrazyQuinn:
sad sorry I dont understand you

How did you confirm what men want? smiley
Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by quivah(f): 11:30am On Aug 24, 2016
njokusboy:
Men only want 3 Rs...

1.Respect me.
2. Respect my family
3. Respect yourself.

And every other thing would be added unto you.....
1. respect yourself

2. respect him

3. respect his family.


grin

2 Likes

Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by Nobody: 11:34am On Aug 24, 2016
bukatyne:


How did you confirm what men want? smiley
experience smiley
Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by Nobody: 11:35am On Aug 24, 2016
quivah:

1. respect yourself

2. respect him

3. respect his family.


grin

grin grin grin
Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by Nobody: 11:36am On Aug 24, 2016
quivah:

I Dont think the op is putting ALL men into one category. its more like what a typical man wants kinda post.
so it doesn't matter if mister A and wife had sex three years ago, the essence is when/how HE wants it, is she there?




Her post didn't state that these rules don't apply to some men. The topic alone has generalized, so I want opinions from married men here.
Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by Nobody: 11:41am On Aug 24, 2016
kiss
njokusboy:
Men only want 3 Rs...

1.Respect me.
2. Respect my family
3. Respect yourself.

And every other thing would be added unto you.....
Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by quivah(f): 11:46am On Aug 24, 2016
kennygee:


Her post didn't state that these rules don't apply to some men. The topic alone has generalized, so I want opinions from married men here.
one man can't come here to say what all men wants.. of course majority of his opinions will come from his one experience and that of men closest to him..and that can't be accepted as a laid down principle for all. so her post doesn't have to say it applies to some men. na common sense.

hence her question ; SO husbands..... is this what you want?
waiting on married men tho, you shouldn't be surprised to see different needs.

just letting you understand that sex being the most important on his list doesn't mean some couples cant survive for months without it.. and doesn't make those who have it on daily basis escape marital problems either.

we cool!

2 Likes

Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by 5minsmadness: 11:48am On Aug 24, 2016
bukatyne:


Welcome to the thread

Women have always heard what men want/ how to be good wives on our side of the divide. Compare the amount of wives/women seminar to that of husbands/men.

This article was written from the POV of a western man/husband.

Wonder what a typical Nigerian's will be like? Perhaps chores, well kept home, obedience, good food, sex, etc.??


Modified to welcome you smiley
I'm a typical Nigerian man and i can tell you its the same thing. Let me modify that your list.
Sex, [obedience, well kept home, good food]

Permutate it all you want but know that sex always, always comes first.

You see so many threads on women who "suddenly" discovered that thier men are cheating on them and they wonder why. Its because they relegate sex to the background. They dont take it serious enough. Just as the op wrote there that the women would roll thier eyes when they hear this, but its the plain truth. Deny your man sex, shame him before giving him sex, judge him for liking too much sex, and i assure you he will immediately start losing interest in the whole relationship be you beyonce or Shakira. And by the time you are ready to give him sex you have so hurt his pride that he is no longer interested talk less of attracted to you.




The other things he said are spot on. Being a nag. Men complain about it everyday but women dont take it seriously. And men are not crybabys. They will complain once, twice, and thats it. The next thing to do is seek a solution. And usually the solution is found outside in the form of beer parlours or another woman's listening ear or simply his office/workplace which turns out to be more serene than his home.

Lack of support. So many women are too busy looking for support from the man, they dont realise that sometimes he needs that support as well! It may not be financial per se, but that emotional encourager (you can do it, you are my king, well done sweetheart, everything is going to be all right, dont worry we will manage somehow), all these are like supercharging a man's batteries. He wont come out to tell you he wants to hear it but it works magic especially when it comes from the woman you love and sacrifice for. But he hardly hears it at home. What the typical man hears instead is how he isnt meeting up to expectation, how the school fees havent been paid, why is there no food in the house, why should he make this or that decision, why this, why that. The man spends so much time settling strife with his wife that when a lady outside tells him a kind word he almost falls at her feet.


A man wont tell u that he hates that you are making fun of him. He mentions a particular likeness and his wife retorts "that's for boys, not men!, abeg bring the money lets feed junior, etc. Was he leaving junior to starve before?

All those 50ways to be a woman are mostly stereotypic nonsense, have they worked? And besides do women really read them? The few that make sense still summarise what is written in the op above.

You see things like a man who will cheat will cheat, yet you dont want to know why he is cheating or how to curb it.

More on that later. Busy.

4 Likes

Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by byvan03: 11:49am On Aug 24, 2016
1) sex

2) respect/appreciation

3) partnership

4) attention

5) friendship

6) food


cheesy cheesy they all can't want the same thing.
Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by 5minsmadness: 11:55am On Aug 24, 2016
byvan03:
1) sex

2) respect/appreciation

3) partnership

4) attention

5) friendship

6) food


cheesy cheesy they all can't want the same thing.
Just like all women cant want true love or romance, right?
Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by byvan03: 11:56am On Aug 24, 2016
5minsmadness:

Just like all women cant want true love or romance, right?


Exactly, not everyone is into lovey dovey.
Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by bukatyne(f): 12:04pm On Aug 24, 2016
5minsmadness:

I'm a typical Nigerian man and i can tell you its the same thing. Let me modify that your list.
Sex, [obedience, well kept home, good food]

Permutate it all you want but know that sex always, always comes first.

You see so many threads on women who "suddenly" discovered that thier men are cheating on them and they wonder why. Its because they relegate sex to the background. They dont take it serious enough. Just as the op wrote there that the women would roll thier eyes when they hear this, but its the plain truth. Deny your man sex, shame him before giving him sex, judge him for liking too much sex, and i assure you he will immediately start losing interest in the whole relationship be you beyonce or Shakira. And by the time you are ready to give him sex you have so hurt his pride that he is no longer interested talk less of attracted to you.




The other things he said are spot on. Being a nag. Men complain about it everyday but women dont take it seriously. And men are not crybabys. They will complain once, twice, and thats it. The next thing to do is seek a solution. And usually the solution is found outside in the form of beer parlours or another woman's listening ear or simply his office/workplace which turns out to be more serene than his home.

Lack of support. So many women are too busy looking for support from the man, they dont realise that sometimes he needs that support as well! It may not be financial per se, but that emotional encourager (you can do it, you are my king, well done sweetheart, everything is going to be all right, dont worry we will manage somehow), all these are like supercharging a man's batteries. He wont come out to tell you he wants to hear it but it works magic especially when it comes from the woman you love and sacrifice for. But he hardly hears it at home. What the typical man hears instead is how he isnt meeting up to expectation, how the school fees havent been paid, why is there no food in the house, why should he make this or that decision, why this, why that. The man spends so much time settling strife with his wife that when a lady outside tells him a kind word he almost falls at her feet.


A man wont tell u that he hates that you are making fun of him. He mentions a particular likeness and his wife retorts "that's for boys, not men!, abeg bring the money lets feed junior, etc. Was he leaving junior to starve before?

All those 50ways to be a woman are mostly stereotypic nonsense, have they worked? And besides do women really read them? The few that make sense still summarise what is written in the op above.

You see things like a man who will cheat will cheat, yet you dont want to know why he is cheating or how to curb it.

More on that later. Busy.

Your opinion on lack of support here doesn't concur with what you said on this thread https://www.nairaland.com/2729627/dear-guys-nothing-prove/2#39940821

Will be back on the thread
Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by 5minsmadness: 12:05pm On Aug 24, 2016
quivah:
this might be right to an extent,, but where's the food and submission..
I think majority of guys will take sex,food,submission over hobby or whatever that is up there.

well, I'm not a guy...just talking based on the general views of guys here..

Submission=respect.
Good food =good home = good environment.
Let me translate good food further.

Preparing the food for him =shows you are thinking about him, about his welfare.
Keeping the food waiting for him when he comes and its hot= shows you are thoughtful. You have given him immediate relief from outside wahala.
A hungry man is an angry man is a wise saying. A hungry man comes home and sees no food. He translates it to mean you are not caring, you cannot take care of him, you didnt think of him. His welfare is not important to you.
And the more you repeat this scenario for him the more infuriated he becomes. He may not voice it to you cos most men dont express thier feelings well but thats what he thinks.

1 Like

Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by byvan03: 12:07pm On Aug 24, 2016
Respect isn't the same as submission.

1 Like

Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by Nobody: 12:07pm On Aug 24, 2016
quivah:

one man can't come here to say what all men wants.. of course majority of his opinions will come from his one experience and that of men closest to him..and that can't be accepted as a laid down principle for all. so her post doesn't have to say it applies to some men. na common sense.

hence her question ; SO husbands..... is this what you want?
waiting on married men tho, you shouldn't be surprised to see different needs.

just letting you understand that sex being the most important on his list doesn't mean some couples cant survive for months without it.. and doesn't make those who have it on daily basis escape marital problems either.

we cool!

Yeah I get, just that I'm sure most people commenting on this post are single, it will be nice to hear from men who are married.

1 Like

Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by 5minsmadness: 12:09pm On Aug 24, 2016
bukatyne:


Your opinion on lack of support here doesn't concur with what you said on this thread https://www.nairaland.com/2729627/dear-guys-nothing-prove/2#39940821

Will be back on the thread
Wow! You have a good memory! I actually remembered that comment when typing this but there was a reason for it. That thread was too "weepy". Too much "awww, poor men."

We dont need that ish.

Like i said, men dont complain much. It doesnt mean we dont have feelings but at the same time its disgusting if u think we are going to be wearing it on our sleeves all the time.
Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by byvan03: 12:13pm On Aug 24, 2016
5minsmadness:

Wow! You have a good memory! I actually remembered that comment when typing this but there was a reason for it. That thread was too "weepy". Too much "awww, poor men."

We dont need that ish.

Like i said, men dont complain much. It doesnt mean we dont have feelings but at the same time its disgusting if u think we are going to be wearing it on our sleeves all the time.


There are men that complain and nag more than some women.

3 Likes

Re: What Men Really Want From Marriage by 5minsmadness: 12:29pm On Aug 24, 2016
byvan03:



There are men that complain and nag more than some women.
There are men that have only one testicle.
You do not use the abnormal to judge the normal.
Am busy. Will respond later.

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