segunojo866:
you are so right sir

701ecilana:

I thought Jesus doesn't exist? So now his teachings makes sense to you?
Let me deal with whether or not i shd turn the other cheek.

Elparaiso:
I really don't know if this is how you act outside of nairaland, but I will be afraid to step on in church. So much anger.

joseph1013:
Olayinka Ayinde

The other day, I had a reunion with my secondary schoolmates. Some of them I hadn't seen in more than 20 years!

So we ordered the beers and fish pepper soups and the evening began in earnest. We travelled back in time, to when we were knee-high to grasshoppers, like my Egbon would say. We reminisced over who was eyeing whom, who was shagging whom, who was timid and couldn't hurt a fly, and which teachers were hot. I confessed that I had a crush on the math teacher, a tall sexy, brilliant woman with an excellent diction and a provocative catwalk, who had since moved on to lecture at the university.

Predictably, we got to religion. Of course I was the only odd one. The Alhaji had kept opening his mouth and closing it, at a loss for where to begin or what to even say. So I don't pray? Ehen? So who created me? Ehen? And who created the universe? Ehen? So who do I ask for stuff when I am in dire need? Ehen? What about in times of uncertainties and fear, who do I run to? Ehen? What about when the patient is on the operating table and is in imminent cardiac arrest? (He assumed I was a surgeon).

As far as Alhaji was concerned, the concept of God was straightforward. So he couldn't understand why anybody won't worship a deity, any deity. He and the Christians abandoned all their religious differences and teamed up to save the godless one from eternal damnation. They wanted me to worship something, anything. If it turns out to be the wrong thing, the right one would be willing to forgive. I would get pass mark for effort and be allowed into heavenly glory. They didn't care if it's the one where you shout hallelujah nonstop every day or the one where you get 72 virgins with translucent skin and erect nipples.

In the end I decided it was time to adopt a god. So Alhaji and my childhood friends, I have decided to worship Shakilimoon, the god of erection, in appreciation of his gift of daily early morning tumescence.

I could never have done this without you. I give you all the glory, Shakilimoon, god of erection.

NB: I edited Shalikimoon to Shakilimoon today, 01-10-17. The lord himself told me that I didn't hear him well the first time he revealed himself to me, when I was just starting my prophetic career. But all former documents remain valid.

joseph1013:
Olayinka Ayinde

The other day, I had a reunion with my secondary schoolmates. Some of them I hadn't seen in more than 20 years!

So we ordered the beers and fish pepper soups and the evening began in earnest. We travelled back in time, to when we were knee-high to grasshoppers, like my Egbon would say. We reminisced over who was eyeing whom, who was shagging whom, who was timid and couldn't hurt a fly, and which teachers were hot. I confessed that I had a crush on the math teacher, a tall sexy, brilliant woman with an excellent diction and a provocative catwalk, who had since moved on to lecture at the university.

Predictably, we got to religion. Of course I was the only odd one. The Alhaji had kept opening his mouth and closing it, at a loss for where to begin or what to even say. So I don't pray? Ehen? So who created me? Ehen? And who created the universe? Ehen? So who do I ask for stuff when I am in dire need? Ehen? What about in times of uncertainties and fear, who do I run to? Ehen? What about when the patient is on the operating table and is in imminent cardiac arrest? (He assumed I was a surgeon).

As far as Alhaji was concerned, the concept of God was straightforward. So he couldn't understand why anybody won't worship a deity, any deity. He and the Christians abandoned all their religious differences and teamed up to save the godless one from eternal damnation. They wanted me to worship something, anything. If it turns out to be the wrong thing, the right one would be willing to forgive. I would get pass mark for effort and be allowed into heavenly glory. They didn't care if it's the one where you shout hallelujah nonstop every day or the one where you get 72 virgins with translucent skin and erect nip**ples.

In the end I decided it was time to adopt a god. So Alhaji and my childhood friends, I have decided to worship Shakilimoon, the god of erection, in appreciation of his gift of daily early morning tumescence.

I could never have done this without you. I give you all the glory, Shakilimoon, god of erection.

NB: I edited Shalikimoon to Shakilimoon today, 01-10-17. The lord himself told me that I didn't hear him well the first time he revealed himself to me, when I was just starting my prophetic career. But all former documents remain valid.

joseph1013:
CHRISTIAN BLINDNESS

I wonder if Christians even think about their theology?

Christianity relies on the story that God decided to have his son killed in order to forgive human sin. Conspiring to have your son killed is conspiracy to murder. That is a capital or life crime in every country in the world.

Furthermore, it is deeply immoral to kill an innocent person to benefit others. Even an ambitious psychopath would be horrified at the thought of killing his innocent son to benefit his neighbours.

But these horrors are not the worst of it. God actually impregnated a young woman, not to have a son to love and treasure, but to have a son to kill.

This is an unspeakable evil that all Christians are blind to. Why?

hopefulLandlord:


nice one

I have a thread that goes deep into why they usually team up when they meet irreligious people or atheists https://www.nairaland.com/3950514/why-most-theists-more-hostile

joseph1013:
WORSE THAN YOU IMAGINED

Christianity may be worse than you imagined. God is said to have given his only begotten son so he could grant mankind everlasting life. But he didn't give his son. According to Christians they are both together right now and have been for almost 2,000 years.

Since God did not lose his son, what then did he aim to achieve? There is only one reasonable answer. He wanted his son to experience fear and the agony of being beaten, humiliated and crucified. In return for this filicidal brutality, he would forgive whatever sins humans may commit so they could have an eternity of happiness instead of torture.

No part of this was remotely necessary--torturing an innocent man was simply the price God demanded for his forgiveness. This is not the thinking of a loving father. It is not even the thinking of a terrible father. It is the thinking of a deeply deranged psychopath.

malvisguy212:
lolz, this is hilarious, so to you this is how you reason it? honestly, I like to Read post like this cause it display atheists foolishness, keep it up boy.

joseph1013:
Great thread.

Elparaiso:


Okay, please explain it from the Christian perspective. I want to hear how loving God was that he had to kill someone to save us. You know, the same God who isn't bound by any rule and can forgive us just like that.


Even the Jesus sef scam us, the guy no die. Just suffer small go heaven, that one no be die na.

joseph1013:
#Copied��

Do you have a few minutes to spare?
~ by Nicole Douglas

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

*John*: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

*Mary*: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

*Me*: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"

*John*: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."

*Me*: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

*John*: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."

*Me*: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

*Mary*: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

*Me*: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

*John*: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

*Me*: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

*Mary*: "Oh yes, all the time..."

*Me*: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

*John*: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

*Me*: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

*Mary*: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."

*Me*: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

*John*: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

*Me*: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

*John*: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

*Me*: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

*Mary*: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

*Me*: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

*John*: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

*Me*: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

*John*: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."

*Me*: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."

*Mary*: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

*Me*: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"

*John*: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

*Me*: "Who's Karl?"

*Mary*: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

*Me*: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

*John*: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

..... *From the Desk of Karl*.....

_*1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.*_
_*2. Use alcohol in moderation.*_
_*3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.*_
_*4. Eat right.*_
_*5. Hank dictated this list Himself.*_
_*6. The moon is made of green cheese.*_
_*7. Everything Hank says is right.*_
_*8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.*_
_*9. Don't use alcohol.*_
_*10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.*_
_*11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.*_

*Me*: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

*Mary*: "Hank didn't have any paper."

*Me*: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

*John*: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

*Me*: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

*Mary*: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

*Me*: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

*Mary*: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

*Me*: "How do you figure that?"

*Mary*: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

*Me*: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

*John*: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

*Me*: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

*John*: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

*Me*: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

*Mary*: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from outer space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

*Me*: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

*John*: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

*Me*: "We do?"

*Mary*: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

*Me*: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

*John*: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

*Me*: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

*Mary*: She blushes.

*John*: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

*Me*: "What if I don't have a bun?"

*John*: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

*Me*: "No relish? No Mustard?"

*Mary*: (She looks positively stricken.)

*John*: (He's shouting.) "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

*Me*: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

*Mary*: (Sticks her fingers in her ears.) "I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

*John*: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

*Me*: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

*Mary*: (She faints.)

*John*: (He catches Mary.) "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car and sped off.

~ by Nicole Douglas

frank317:


That was a fun read...

joseph1013:
Olatunde Olayinka Ayinde wrote:

Something sensible.