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Stats: 1175438 members, 1488772 topics. Date: Friday, 13 December 2013 at 05:14 AM
|Family / Re: Banned From Speaking My Language To My Baby by Tunmi(f): 10:24pm On Nov 09|
The father should speak the language to the son then.
|Food / Re: How Can I Help My Wife To Be A Good Cook At Home? by Tunmi(f): 2:41pm On Sep 01|
Trade offices na. You do the cooking, you don talk am say na you sabi cook pass, while she does something else that she is good at.
|Violent/Disgusting Non-Celebrity Crimes / Re: Why Don't We Investigate Deaths In Nigeria? by Tunmi(f): 2:34pm On Aug 08|
All na the same. We dey fear too much, Fela talk am
We dey fear for ting we no see, We dey fear around us and we fear to fight for freedom
|Politics / Re: Female Molestation Case by Tunmi(f): 2:12am On Aug 08|
The story has merit. Rather than call it out, you participate in victim blaming.
Chika Oduah: It Happened To Me
I got a job in New York City a few years ago. I was new to the American North; I still reeked of the South. Pillsbury biscuits, Georgian peaches and Jiffy cornbread with a dollop of Daisy. Chick-Fil-A, Bojangles’ and Piggly Wiggly. I was a Southern American, in many ways. Cheerful, trusting, polite, Bible-wielding, slow-talkin’, Southern. South of the Potomac, East of the Mississippi. Paisley print blouses, plastic sunflowers hot glued on Payless Shoes open-toe rubber sandals. But I was all right, I guess. Perhaps a bit wide-eyed, gap-tooth grinning, but I was all right.
The job was with a news media outfit that covers Africa and the affairs of the black Diaspora. It was fashionable, in every sense, that media company. Funded by big-name multinationals, Third World saviors, it sought to tackle malfeasance and corruption with heavy handed, not always credible citizen reportage. The company had made its name among particular Westerners and Fela-loving expatriate Africans, students of the school of thought that says African governments need a total sociopolitical upheaval to weed out the kleptocrats before anything substantial can be planted, plug in the former student union grassroots activists who give a care about the proletariat, slum dwellers, retired civil servants, and unemployed twenty somethings. A single-handed crusade propelled by American dollars and mercenary Africaphiles, this media company had recruited a handful of passionate, impressionable youngsters with a compelling allegiance to Africa. Aluta Continua! Help the motherland. We thought, or at least I did.
So I went to work. My title was a new one. Within that role, I initiated new projects, helped revive slumbering ventures, planned and promoted the awesomeness of the company — what we were doing and where we hoped to go. I tuned in, excited about every single part of the job. Everything seemed fine in the beginning.
I went out with the boss one evening to hang out after work. I was still new to the North, still new to the city. A Nigerian immigrant in his early 40s, the boss had a hip rugged fashion aesthetic, quintessentially urban: distressed brown jackets and boots, a hefty brown backpack. He was the rebel with a cause, a card-carrying activist. Encrusted in the syrupy coos of his admirers, he has fans on both sides of the Atlantic. He was charisma defined.
He’d been nice to me thus far, a listening ear for my Southerner’s rants and observations on northern culture. We walked around the street corner to a swanky new spot with a shiny glass exterior and perfumed-scented, dimly lit interior. Good living people in stiletto pumps and crisp blazers, leather and lace, hung there. He led me to a couch in the corner where we sat down. I don’t drink, so I didn’t order. We chit chatted pleasantly about school, guys, Africa, Nigerians, our past, our future.
When we get up to leave, he grabs my waist. He pulls me to his chest. He leans in for a kiss. My stunned mind stops thinking. It shuts down; I hurry to turn it back on. Easy, Chika. Don’t embarrass the man. Take it easy. I slide out of his arms with a surprising calm. I’m just not interested. I say his name for effect. It works. He gets the point, yet the perplexity in his eyes remains. I never bring it up. It’s like it never happened. It never happened again.
As time goes on, I grew in confidence at work as I befriended my fellow colleagues and further solidified my commitment to “the Africa cause” and to excel in my job performance. I began expressing my opinions about the way things were done, and offering suggestions on how I thought we could improve in production quality and efficiency. The boss welcomed the suggestions, in the beginning, but only to a certain extent.
Time after time, I begin to notice a pattern: he seemed to have issues with women, especially expressive women with a backbone.
“She’s arrogant,” he would often say with a sneer and a dismissive shrug whenever I would mention names of high-profile successful women I admired. Whether it was author Chimamanda Adichie, or a well-known female journalist, or a female politician, it seemed all successful women were inherently arrogant to him.
Eventually, my efforts at work never seem good enough. The boss is known to be hot-tempered and I was often on the receiving end of his sarcastic remarks, his angst, his frustration, and disapproval. Any gaps from my colleagues, anything they failed to do, it was usually my fault. I was the office scapegoat. Some of my colleagues noticed this. They’d throw me sympathetic glances or they’d simply try to ignore the situation and keep their eyes glued to their computer screens. After such occurred not once or twice or thrice but on multiple instances, I soon became aware of the hierarchy. My male colleagues seldom received the boss’s butchering complaints. I’d arrive to work and the boss would remain silent to my greetings. My male colleagues would arrive and the boss would say hey what’s up man and crack jokes with them and have a jolly good time. He had a propensity to engage in sex jokes with my male colleagues, the kind of lewd comedy high school boys often entertain.
My female colleagues usually fulfilled the boss’s wishes without much objection, but on the whole, it looked to me like the guys were coasting.
In my role at work, I was frequently undermined. He’d constantly override decisions I had already made with his prior authorization. He’d demean my work in the presence of others. He’d sometimes shut down my attempts to join the staff in their friendly, office banter. He rarely expressed gratitude about my initiatives and strategies that were clearly having a positive effect on the company.
“Do you really think you’re directing anything?” A colleague once asked me.
The situation deteriorated. I pushed myself harder, completing massive amounts of work by staying late into the night when everyone else had gone home. Graveyard shifting, early mornings. He began shouting at me in the workplace in front of my colleagues. My cheerful, trusting, polite, Bible-wielding, slow-talkin’, Southern mannerisms were dissipating. The city was taking its toll on me. I felt like discarded mush. I planned my exit. Looked for another job.
One day he called me to meet him in the office. In the meeting, he said the company is losing money, said he had to let me go. Though I was the one who was suddenly unemployed, it was his emotions and composure that began to unravel as I fought to keep the work I had produced – works that were mine. The payment I was promised because I was not given notice of my termination in advance, he didn’t pay me anywhere near half of it. He lied and said I was never even employed, said I was just a contractor, a freelancer or something like that. My work agreement had conveniently disappeared from where I had placed it inside my work desk months ago. The intervention meeting we were supposed to have where we were supposed to present our cases before two or three mediators, well, that was conveniently cancelled. A male colleague and a prominent columnist with the company intervened, but nothing much came out of it. Perhaps, they – both guys – ended up siding with the boss.
Because the boss had already depicted me as “one of those” power-hungry, erratic, opinionated, overly assertive, selfish girls, one who eagerly challenged his authority. That false image suited his chauvinistic motives.
“You like attention,” he once told me.
Wrong. I’m actually as shy as a kiwi bird.
“You’re a career woman,” he once told me. It came out as a judgmental scoff. He’s a career man himself, but because it’s more socially acceptable for men to devote much time and energy to their professional lives, the term “career man” is seldom used.
In the workplace, women often work twice as hard as their male colleagues, yet still face the brunt of disapproval when things don’t go right, while male colleagues seem to get by. We put in overtime – a 2013 study from the Ponemon Institute revealed that women employees “work harder and longer” than men do. Another 2013 study from Edith Cowan University and the University of New England found that “women experience more rude and disrespectful behavior in the workplace, but they tolerated it more.” We continuously strive to be on the good side of the boss. Women seem to always be compensating for something. Their womanhood?
Most of the women who worked at that company hardly objected or posed a challenge to my former boss’s sugarcoated slurs and sly insolence. But I had an opinion and I voiced it. My opinions, my free-willed spirit and intolerance for nonsense cost me my job… for that I am grateful.
My former boss’s attitude toward women is not unique.
I had a conversation with a gentleman here in Nigeria who said women in positions of power always become over-bearing, whereas men know how to handle leadership and success with humility.
“It gets to their heads,” he said of women in management roles.
Looking back, I realize that my experience at that New York City-based media company was not atypical. I wrote this piece “It Happened To Me” bolstered by the courage I summoned immediately after reading a blog post a few days ago (read here) entitled “The White Savior Industrial Complex & intimate Harassment of African Female Aid Workers” by Lesley Agams. Agams vividly describes an assault by a male colleague while working as the Nigeria country director for the renown Oxfam GB. After the assault, the man in question handed her a contract termination letter. Many of my fellow women have confided in me, sharing harrowing real-life tales of near-molest incidents in the workplace, cases where they were told to sleep with the boss to get a promotion, and aggressive intimidation by male supervisors.
And it’s not only the overtly patriarchal, “man-is-the-head” types who are committing this abuse.
It’s also the hash-tagging, progressive, left-winged liberals garbed in trendy activist attire: thick soled boots and dashikis, plaid button-downs and worn blue jeans with worn sneakers, or cropped blazers over cotton shirts without neckties. These activists are too often propped up in a righteous spotlight. They march on as darlings of the revolution, unexamined. Their act-ivism is unstoppable… their acts, unstoppable.
I met one of these young self-titled human rights activist types. He was among those arrested for protesting during the 2012 Occupy Nigeria rallies. This guy picks and chooses his causes and apparently the advancement of women is not one of them. In his mind, women’s rights are not important enough. After I voiced my opposition to his foul groping and leering intimate advances on me, he told me “women’s rights are not human rights.”
Even the Pan-African activist revolutionary himself, Fela Kuti once sang, “When I say woman na mattress I no lie.”
Confiding in others about incidents of workplace harassment and intimidation often backfires. Some employees get terminated. Others stay in those toxic work environments after they are made to doubt their own perceptions.
Relax, calm down, maybe it’s your imagination, it’s no big deal, maybe you’re just stressed out, well you know you’re very pretty, he didn’t mean it that way, dress more conservatively, forget about it, maybe you led him on, well… ignore it, just pray about it, you can be very emotional, you’re being dramatic, um…stop working late hours in the office, say no next time, these things happen, you’re overreacting, are you sure?
Yes, I am sure.
Harassment is still harassment whether in the form of intimidation in the workplace, intimate propositions or subtle or obvious oppression.
In his 1,621-word editorial, (which you can read here) Los Angeles-based social commentator Yashar Ali compares the emotional manipulation and harassment of women to gaslighting, a coined term referencing the 1944 feature movie in which Charles Boyer’s character employs wily strategies to make his wife, played by Ingrid Bergman, believe she is crazy. Off the Hollywood production sets, real life is full of cases where women, distressed in the workplace, keep quiet for fear of being labeled troublesome. Or crazy. They allow perpetrators to go free, especially when the perpetrator is a popular man.
If we share our experiences collectively, we can break down the wall of silence.
It’s time to tell our stories.
Read the comments for some kind of insight.
|Politics / Re: Lagosians React To Ban On Clothes Spreading by Tunmi(f): 2:33pm On Aug 04|
Hanging clothes in the sun is actually better for the environment and less expensive. The sun is cheap and there is no pollution. Besides, not everyone can afford a dryer and not everyone has the electricity to power them.
I remember my mom had this iron hangar. It was as big as an ironing board and it folds in. It was like a rack so there were lines to hang clothes. Those metal things could be the better alternative but this is not something an entire state government should be worried about...that should be the responsibility of the local government and even the landlord or owners of the house.
|Culture / Re: Why Is Ogogoro Termed Illicit & Jack Daniels Isn't? by Tunmi(f): 1:54pm On Jul 25|
It still stems from colonialism. Neither one is "better" as both are harmful to one's health. I honestly prefer palmwine and all of our drinks to the foreign ones. Malta is my only exception. I am waiting to see manufactured palmwine..if no one does it by the time I'm 28, I'll take it on myself to do it.
|Politics / Re: Maryam Uwais - "Senator Yerima And Constitutional Review" by Tunmi(f): 1:51pm On Jul 24|
I read this article and I love it but can Nigerians learn to communicate effectively. Your words are lost on us if I'm getting a headache with your word choice. In the countries that own this language: England and USA, their articles are always written from the comprehension level of at most a fifth-grader. Not because they don't have a rich vocabulary but they want people to read and understand and not give up a paragraph into it.
|Politics / Re: Okonjo-iweala, Saharareporters In War Of Words Over Nigerian Economy by Tunmi(f): 2:06pm On Jul 03|
It's always funny how folks praise SR when it's on something they like. As for me, I appreciate them because they at least put some kind of pressure on our leaders. I like SR and it's about time our leaders start answering to their people
|Politics / Re: Construction Of Seaport, Airport Begins At Lekki by Tunmi(f): 3:26am On Jul 03|
All we ever hear is that they are constructing or building something not that it has been completed or opened. The only one I remember is the toll bridge, mainly the tolling part.
|Celebrities / Re: Vector Prays With OJB Jezreel (Picture) by Tunmi(f): 2:41pm On Jun 25|
Why must they all contribute money? They are all working to earn their keep. When this guy had money, why did he not save for a rainy day. Now, they are asking for contributions. Abeg! It's different if you are a regular Naija person (as in those who are really struggling day to day). It's like the likes of Wizkid or Davido now asking people to contribute.
People, learn to save for rainy days. Shebi when the gorgeous black guy from Bracket was doing his treatments, he did not ask for contributions...just well wishes and he brought awareness about his condition.
|TV/Movies / Re: Introducing High School Movies In Nollywood! by Tunmi(f): 2:06pm On May 27|
lmao is there any way to buy Naija movies online? I want some of Afolayan's work
|Car Talk / Re: Nigerian Develops Brake Pads With Palm-Kernel Shells by Tunmi(f): 2:30pm On May 20|
This is such good news
|Investment / Re: A New Thread On How To "Invest In Nigeria Movie And Music Industry" by Tunmi(f): 2:07pm On May 20|
abrahses4u: Tunmi, have you taken any steps towards investing, let me know if you have any information on how to go about it.No concrete steps as of yet but I would like to know how I can help.
|TV/Movies / Re: Introducing High School Movies In Nollywood! by Tunmi(f): 2:06pm On May 20|
VillageBoi:I dey o. The semester don finish so I can now set time aside to catch up on Nollywood
|TV/Movies / Re: Introducing High School Movies In Nollywood! by Tunmi(f): 5:48pm On May 18|
This is a really great idea. I'd love to contribute any way I can: firstname.lastname@example.org
I would recommend starting with a web series.
|Investment / Re: A New Thread On How To "Invest In Nigeria Movie And Music Industry" by Tunmi(f): 4:59pm On May 18|
I'm interested as well. Nollywood is one of our greatest exports and I'm interested in investing
|Investment / Re: My Money... by Tunmi(f): 4:57pm On May 18|
Well what field are you interested in an what field are you most knowledgeable about?
|Investment / Re: Investors Needed In A Start Up Manufacturing Company by Tunmi(f): 4:56pm On May 18|
Natural cosmetics, I am impressed. Is there a website perchance?
|Music/Radio / Re: MI ABAGA - Chairman (Video) by Tunmi(f): 3:19am On May 14|
The song is weak, and I like MI. The video...seriously though. If you truly wanted to show "Chairman" life, head to the affluent part of Naija because they one wey I see na so-so disappointment. And warrahel with the white chicks.
MI fall my hand o...make I go back to Undisputed. Not good, MI try again.
|Religion / Re: What Are Your Views On Supernatural Occurrences? by Tunmi(f): 4:03am On May 01|
I love this thread. And thanks to those who kept debunking these "supernatural" nonsense. You would think with all these juju and whatnot Naija would be the #1 nation in the world. At least electricity would be constant na.
|Politics / Re: Nigeria Saves N4.2trn On Manufactured-Goods Importation In 2012 - Aganga by Tunmi(f): 9:55pm On Apr 28|
Well done on the analysis and it is so spot on. Nigerians have been fooled too many times by the FG and they really are just concerned with "how will this affect my daily life"
People like you who can correctly interpret news as it relates to the average Nigerian are very valuable.
|Politics / Re: Sani Abacha was honest & one of Nigeria's best ever leaders. by Tunmi(f): 2:25pm On Apr 26|
People seem to be okay with vilifying Abacha. Honestly if the guy was so horrible then why is Nigeria still horrible after all these "better leaders"
|TV/Movies / Re: New Movie: “Confusion Na Wa!" by Tunmi(f): 3:06pm On Jan 15|
I like the trailer and I like the poster. I really am impressed with this. I'm not a fan of Ali Nuhu's but I'm willing to watch this.
That the story has pretty normal professions, no 'big man' or politician, there is a civil servant for one, is impressive to me
|TV/Movies / Re: Bride's War (A Nollywood Movie) - My Review by Tunmi(f): 6:59pm On Jan 13|
Me I no know o. I think he got away with it
|Celebrities / Re: Ngozi Nwosu Is Still Sick by Tunmi(f): 5:34am On Dec 17, 2012|
Naija and their issue with religion sef.
|TV/Movies / Re: Bride's War (A Nollywood Movie) - My Review by Tunmi(f): 7:33am On Nov 19, 2012|
Your analysis was spot on! Yvonne Okoro carried this film. I was wary of that scene where the husband is pulling the luggage and she's shouting at him because it seemed like a distance to walk and I was worried it would be a waste of film, but somehow her interaction with John Dumelo and her overall character made that my favorite scene.
And of course the word molest is only mentioned twice or thrice and everyone keeps referring it to her "incident". msscchhhewwww
I expected to see Ini Edo's character going to the psychologist because her character needed that. Naija still has some work to do understanding molest victims, for one they would not go hug their husband and the lawyer (Tonto Dike) definitely should have okay'd it with Ini's character before telling her husband she was Molested. It may sound weird but Ini's character was the one Molested, she was the one who suffered the trauma (or as Chike Ike said 'chioma' or 'drama') so the revelation of the assault should be determined by the victim.
And the mother-in-law, god punish that character (not the actor). 'Men cheat, it is our job to clean up after them' Your FADA!
Tonto Dike's character was knowledgeable about the law which is pretty rare for nollywood.
The camera work, the editing, the songs, the technical aspect of this film was great. The details in the script and the film (like the Oxygen mask you mentioned and the nurse/doctor relationship) could be improved.
Oh could you send me the songs you were able to rip, all of them? pretty please? email@example.com
|Politics / Re: What Are You Doing To Improve Nigeria? by Tunmi(f): 8:40pm On Oct 29, 2012|
volunteer somewhere whether with a NGO or a school or some charitable organizations, write screenplays, intern with historians and archaeologists and hold down a steady job.
|Politics / Re: Fashola, Obi Disagree On Geo-political Zones, Constitutional Amendment by Tunmi(f): 5:05am On Oct 19, 2012|
I want to ask, what is the benefit of these zones? In the US, the zones merely have historical value and a sense of pride: New England, the South, the West. It's more of society's value on them. With Nigeria's zones, is it just society's value or is there monetary value as well? Is money allocated to a zone or to zones?
|Music/Radio / Re: Hilarious Reactions To Tonto Dikeh's Songs by Tunmi(f): 3:13am On Oct 18, 2012|
If she had sang the autotune part with her voice, it would not have been bad. The rap part was actually not bad, it was definitely better than most of the pop 'raps' out there.
|Music/Radio / Re: What Rick Ross’ “hold Me Back” Video Tells The World About Nigerians by Tunmi(f): 4:25am On Sep 21, 2012|
Does anyone know where this video was shot? which areas?
|Music/Radio / Re: Rick Ross – Hold Me Back (Nigeria Version) - Video by Tunmi(f): 4:07am On Sep 21, 2012|
Does anyone know where this video was shot? which areas?
|Music/Radio / Re: Rick Ross – Hold Me Back (Nigeria Version) - Video by Tunmi(f): 8:00am On Sep 19, 2012|
ogugua88:lmao I can't completely blame Davido. I blame the people for letting the fire in the subsidy protest die (and we had our celebs come out in full force too). I do blame the likes of Davido, the current crop of artists (can I even call them that) who don't realize the impact of what they are doing.
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