mission08:
This is what happens when a man feels it is not right for him to cook once he is married. Some men feel the woman should be strong at all times to attend to their needs no matter your circumstances, whether pregnant, sick or whatever. The situation is further compounded when a man with such a mind set also has self esteem issues, he would feel belittled and insecure when forced to operate outside his box.

Do take care and don't stress yourself. Give yourself a treat as you have decided. Although it could be so lonely when your spouse is not emotionally connected with you. But all the same, God is your strength.

fantababy: Dear All,

I am a regular visitor to Nairaland, but I have not been able to post / comment for a long time because I could not remember my password.

I want to vent my depression as I have no one to talk to, would try to make this as short as possible. To start with, my temperament is melancholy. Melancholies struggle with periods of depression & bitter sweet moments. Words count with us and we hurt easily.

I am 9 months pregnant, and combining this current status with my temperament has not been easy. Pregnancy on its own is not an easy journey and it is sad when your hubby does not understand this. I have a fantastic hubby, but these past 9 months have been challenging & more depressing for me because he expects me to be a super woman. I think this is very selfish, mean and cruel.

I am a full time working lady & very hard working, am not boasting about it. All through my pregnancy, I ensured that I did not allow the sickness associated with pregnancy to slow me down. I always cooked & went to the market myself. My hubby goes to work with lunch and eats every night. The very few times when am unable to make his dinner, due to extreme fatigue, my dear hubby wears a long face & prepares only his own food, without asking me if I have eaten. I find that very selfish, but I have bottled it up. Imagine, me curled up in bed, too tired & hungry, and my dear hubby goes into the kitchen, prepares something, and eats alone, without looking at me twice. He makes very annoying statements, like “am pretending or am I the first pregnant woman!”

All through this pregnancy, I have suffered extreme pelvic pain, waist pain & swellings. My feet size went from size 39 – 42. I feel pains standing for more than 10 mins, but I bear it all & pretend, least my hubby makes more annoying statement. I can cope with the physical pains, but I cannot combine this with verbal abuse & emotional pain. I get really uncomfortable most times, and simply requests like pls turn off the AC, give me your pillow, pls open the windows are met with negative responses most times or done grudgingly. Even a simple massage request is always done in such haste.

This is my first pregnancy, and right now, I am extremely emotional. My mother is late and I miss her terribly. My family have only supported through phone calls. I feel sad, that my hubby has never volunteered to assist with the groceries or making breakfast / lunch / dinner/ laundry. Etc. I have asked for assistance a couple of times and I get a NO.

Am due in about 2 weeks and I am so anxious & scared. My pelvic pains are so extreme that they keep me awake most nights, most times I cry at night. I can’t turn and walk with so much difficulty. Last Sunday, I had to scream at him, that I want to be pampered. He was saying a lot of hurtful things and I had to plead that he should keep quiet least he says more hurtful things. He says am disrespectful & my attitude is bad. Please, how do I maintain a respectful attitude when I am in so much pain / discomfort and he has not shown any care during the time I need him the most. I try to respect him a lot but I think he has an esteem issue, because every of my actions are counted as disrespect! I walk on egg shell all day.

Am anxious & nervous at the thought of being a mother, the labor pains, sleepless nights after the baby is born are all making me depressed. Even the thought of having my mother in law stay with us is getting me scared. (She is a very nice woman, but the thot still scares me). Right now, I want to curl up in bed, have someone massage my body, feed me breakfast in bed, pray with me, make my nails, stroke my hair and tell me all will be well. But no one to do that. I am tempted to spend the weekend with my father, but he would smell something is wrong, and he lives far away from me.

I have decided that since no one wants to pamper me, I would pamper myself. I would cook when I have the energy, (no point stressing myself for a man that does not appreciate), I would sit by the beach, read a book & let the wind sooth my troubled heart, I would go the cinemas, walk around the malls, eat out & buy lovely things for myself……..

jennykadry: WTH? do we still have men like this OP's husband on this planet earth?

Tis is effing annoying, what nonsense. How selfish can a man be? Don't you have shine shine bobo bottle to break his head with when he starts his rubbish?

Haba what is this? a man that cannot cook for his pregnant wife. What a jerk

I am honestly depressed on your behalf

Efemena_xy: Thirdly, you mentioned your dad live some distance away from you? So I'm assuming you do have some relatives in that town too? If so, try and ask 1 or 2 females to assist you with going to the market. Purchase your food items in bulk. Things like rice, beans, dried pepper, Palm / Vegetable cooking oil, spices, etc. If you've got constant source of electricity, even better. Buy perishables like meat, fish, chicken, etc and store away in your deep freezer.

Also ask the girl(s) to help you cook in bulk, so you can store away, especially pepper soup. These should last you a couple of weeks after you get home. Trust me, you won't find the time and energy to cook then, the way you can now, especially with the baby in tow.

As for the pelvic pains, speak to your doctor, though I doubt there's much they can do about it. What's happening here is the baby pressing down on your muscles, and your pelvis is also expanding in preparation for the birth. I know it feels like hell 'cos I went through the same thing too. Just hang on in there and it'll soon be over.

And finally, PLEASE, PLEASE AND PLEASE, resist the temptation to get into an argument with your hubby. The last thing you need is developing High BP in pregnancy. If his words or actions offend you, simply say "okay", then get up and leave the room. If na long face im wan carry, let him carry it. You don't need to see that. Learn to pick your battles and live to fight another day. There would be time to address the issues you raised, but NOT NOW. Get some CDs or download your favourite tunes. Listen to music when you feel stressed - it'll help you relax. Get yourself your favourite magazines / books. Go to the saloon. Fix your hair, your nails, pamper yourself, do the things you love doing.

See my signature? What does it say? What doesn't break you only serves to make you stronger. Now go and be happy with yourself.

All the best and safe delivery

fantababy:

I have decided that since no one wants to pamper me, I would pamper myself. I would cook when I have the energy, (no point stressing myself for a man that does not appreciate), I would sit by the beach, read a book & let the wind sooth my troubled heart, I would go the cinemas, walk around the malls, eat out & buy lovely things for myself……..

2mch:


I agree with both of these. Forget all the suggestions about revenge and fighting. Also check yourself, have you been behaving differently. You said you are melancholic naturally,which i assume will become a lot worse in pregnancy. No one wants to be around a moody person all the time. i think if you take the time and patience to explain things to him, there will be changes. Also explain the hormonal changes and your personality issue. Quite frankly, i personally cant stand moody people. . You can also choose to be different and be a happy person. You dont always have to be depressed. You can choose to fight it or get some help. Depressed people can make others depressed or very unhappy. Especially when you are lost in your own bubble.

2mch:


I agree with both of these. Forget all the suggestions about revenge and fighting. Also check yourself, have you been behaving differently. You said you are melancholic naturally,which i assume will become a lot worse in pregnancy. No one wants to be around a moody person all the time. i think if you take the time and patience to explain things to him, there will be changes. Also explain the hormonal changes and your personality issue. Quite frankly, i personally cant stand moody people. . You can also choose to be different and be a happy person. You dont always have to be depressed. You can choose to fight it or get some help. Depressed people can make others depressed or very unhappy. Especially when you are lost in your own bubble.

Sisi_Kill:

Is he daft

Or what cave did he crawl out from?? I mean how unaware can someone?

So the love starved, food starved, emotionally and physically sick heavily pregnant woman still has to be the one making all the allowances just because one retarded eediot can't educate himself.

Any sensible man, who really cares would want to know everything going on with his wife and THEIR baby. I can remember almost passing out from laughter the day I saw my brother reading WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU ARE EXPECTING when his wife was pregnant. He would tell you what stage his wife was from her symptoms. . .she almost went crazy because he will go "Are you sure you are not feeling this because the book says this or the book says that..."

What will it take this useless guy to google? Nothing that's what yet you are telling his wife to be patient with him and explain stuff to him. Sometimes I wonder if some men like women. I mean you are not even talking about her depression, it is all about how it affects YOU!

Y'all are SCARY!!!!

Sisi_Kill:

Is he daft

Or what cave did he crawl out from?? I mean how unaware can someone?

So the love starved, food starved, emotionally and physically sick heavily pregnant woman still has to be the one making all the allowances just because one retarded eediot can't educate himself.

Any sensible man, who really cares would want to know everything going on with his wife and THEIR baby. I can remember almost passing out from laughter the day I saw my brother reading WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU ARE EXPECTING when his wife was pregnant. He would tell you what stage his wife was from her symptoms. . .she almost went crazy because he will go "Are you sure you are not feeling this because the book says this or the book says that..."

What will it take this useless guy to google? Nothing that's what yet you are telling his wife to be patient with him and explain stuff to him. Sometimes I wonder if some men like women. I mean you are not even talking about her depression, it is all about how it affects YOU!

Y'all are SCARY!!!!

jennykadry:

He is a kid that needs instructions on how to care for his pregnant wife or put his wife and baby first. This is why these men act like jerks cos its okay for them to, just explain to them and things will go back to normal.

Our husbands that took very care of us during preggers are pediatricians, we told them what to do and with their experience in children health, they were able figure thins out.

I ask again, is her husband a kid that needs to be told what to do? Isn't this her first time also?

maclatunji:

Pele

safeact: Crucify him! crucify him!! crucify him!!! I want to authoritatively tell us that d op is an emotional type and she could get easily irritated when she is in d emotional state. I blv d hubby understands her wify more than everyone of us, therefore, i will profer that she calms down and (stop assuming that d hubby will always read her mind and react perfectly to her)pet him as she makes him understand everthing. I assure her that she will get all d pets she needs in return!
The man might hav been pissed off in one way or d other and d woman is still measuring shoulders with him. Men always want to b on top.so let him feel that he is still on top and u will see d difference.
Am not makin excuses for d man infact, i feel like slappin d hell out of d man but we should know d best genuine help that she could get is from d hubby,afterall, if he didnt love d woman, he wouldnt have married her! Best of luck ma dear fantababy!

Afamdman: My dear fantababy it is well with you, God is your strenght. That your husband, hmmm I wish could sit him down and speak sense to him, his eyes will be clear, he doesn't know yet what your going through. I just wonder if he now had my experience I and my wife went through he will arrange " wifey had early pre-eclampsia from 19weeks we fought it till 30weeks, poor girl was in the hospital through out, in the end came out with nothing" your husband needs to follow you to the labour room and me made to hear you give birth that will change things for him. Am so pissed at him right now. Him take say na just to dey answer daddy to be without putting in work. I wish he could come here and read people's comment. You sef no gree for am again sef tell him body dey pain you. I no fit type again am so pissed at the dude.

ftmom: So, what makes him a fantastic husband

fantababy: Thank you all for your wonderful comments. I feel much better. The funny thing is that we fasted, prayed, cried, sowed seeds before this pregnancy came! I know I can be moody, but I try to always be cheerful.

I don't want to mention a lot of horrible things he says when we have an argument. He can really be sweet at times, but when the other side shows up, it is very bad.

I used to be afraid of him, until late last year. I put my foot down & said never again would I be scared of this man.

We are age mates, so it's not a thing that he is far older than me. We both struggled together to get to where we are.

My comfort is that am not the only one he treats like that. He is just a big bully, who likes to put people down. I can trace his attitude back to his childhood/upbringing.

I pray for him all the time.

I try to gently let him know that pregnancy entails a lot. I give him stories about all the horrible pregnancy risks, I tell him to research more and ask his colleagues about pregnancy. I even tell him ahead of time when my mood is bad.

Am really hurt, and when I try to forgive so as to move ahead, another one happens. Imagine me at 37 weeks pregnancy, getting back from work, making yam & egg, only for me to serve and he says he is not interested in eating again. What was my offense? That I have refused to take my maternity leave.I have explained to him that my tiredness / aches is not due to office work, but it is normal pregnancy syndrome. I let him know that house work is more strenuous that my office work. (My work is as a finance officer and I delegate most of it. I have my own office, so I can sleep whenever I want to).I have explained to him times without number, that we get only 3 months maternity in Nigeria and as such, pregnant women strive to work till the very end or closer to their EDD, so as to have the whole 3 months with the baby.

He is a regular visitor on Nairaland but he visits only the front page. I really don't care if he sees this. I know I have tried and am tired of trying.