let me start with this one:



GOD TAKES A HOLIDAY

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

another one:

TALKING PARROTS

A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're pros.titutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're pros.titutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"

Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone."

The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman.

Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom

MacDaddy01: Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone."

The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman.

Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH . owned by mama

MOAR

Away from pc.. Only have pics to contribute..

A student was sitting outside his university classroom, reading God's Word, when his atheistic professor walked by and happened to hear the student exclaim, "Wow! Praise the Lord!" Intrigued, the professor asked the student what had him so excited. "Well," the student replied, "I just read how God parted the waters of the Red Sea so the Hebrews could pass to safety." The professor calmly explained that in actuality there was a mistranslation and the Reed Sea where the crossing actually took place was, at that time of year, only about three inches deep. Confident he had handled the situation, the professor went to retrieve something from his office. Upon his return a minute or two later, he again passes the student as once more he loudly exclaims,"Wow! Praise the Lord!" Interested, the professor asks the student what is so fascinating this time. The student responds, "I just read how God drowned the entire Egyptian army in three inches of water!"

MacDaddy01: A student was sitting outside his university classroom, reading God's Word, when his atheistic professor walked by and happened to hear the student exclaim, "Wow! Praise the Lord!" Intrigued, the professor asked the student what had him so excited. "Well," the student replied, "I just read how God parted the waters of the Red Sea so the Hebrews could pass to safety." The professor calmly explained that in actuality there was a mistranslation and the Reed Sea where the crossing actually took place was, at that time of year, only about three inches deep. Confident he had handled the situation, the professor went to retrieve something from his office. Upon his return a minute or two later, he again passes the student as once more he loudly exclaims,"Wow! Praise the Lord!" Interested, the professor asks the student what is so fascinating this time. The student responds, "I just read how God drowned the entire Egyptian army in three inches of water!"

yea!
That is what i call a joke.
Cool

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die!!!, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

what do you call an atheist protected by the best bodyguards in the world ?

someone bungee jumping without a cord

..

MacDaddy01: Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone."

The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman.

Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom

Lmao!!!!!.....ur crazy man....

Well according to some persons mary was without sin......lol......

what do you call a 7ft tall atheist ? a spiritual midget

obadiah777: what do you call a 7ft tall atheist ? a spiritual midget

and a 7ft tall religious apologetic?? A reality midget

Area_boy:

and a 7ft tall religious apologetic?? A reality midget

dont quite have the same ring to it.

100 Points To Heaven!

A man dies and finds himself at the pearly gates. An angel meets him and asks what he was doing at the gate.

"I want to go in,"

he says.

"Can I?,"

The angel replies,

"Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I will give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay?,"

the man says,

"I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says the angel,

"that's worth 3 points!,"

"three points?!," the man exclaimed while wondering in his mind how he can meet up with the 100 points.

"Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithes and offerings."

"terrific!," says the angel.

"that's certainly worth a point!,"

"One point?!," he shouted.

"I started a soup kitchen for the homeless in my city and worked in an orphanage for motherless babies."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"Two points?!," Exasperated, the man cries,

"Well, at this rate it’ll just be by the grace of God that I ever get into heaven."

"Bingo, 100 points!," the angel said,

"Come on in!,"

"For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast" (Ephesians 2:8,9).

OLAADEGBU: 100 Points To Heaven!

A man dies and finds himself at the pearly gates. An angel meets him and asks what he was doing at the gate.

"I want to go in,"

he says.

"Can I?,"

The angel replies,

"Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I will give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay?,"

the man says,

"I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says the angel,

"that's worth 3 points!,"

"three points?!," the man exclaimed while wondering in his mind how he can meet up with the 100 points.

"Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithes and offerings."

"terrific!," says the angel.

"that's certainly worth a point!,"

"One point?!," he shouted.

"I started a soup kitchen for the homeless in my city and worked in an orphanage for motherless babies."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"Two points?!," Exasperated, the man cries,

"Well, at this rate it’ll just be by the grace of God that I ever get into heaven."

"Bingo, 100 points!," the angel said,

"Come on in!,"

"For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast" (Ephesians 2:8,9).

Em, emm
Bet whia is d joke

Avicenna:

Em, emm
Bet whia is d joke

Traders In A Market.

Yoruba woman selling apples. Ibo woman selling bread and an Urhobo woman selling yam.

Yoruba woman: "Dis is the Apple of God's eye!" Like hot cake all her apples were sold. Seeing this the Ibo woman takes a cue and calls out.

Ibo woman: "Jesus said, I am the Bread of Life" And all her bread were sold.

The Urhobo trader thought to herself, Yam no dey Bible but Warri no dey carry last! She then shouted

"No be Jesus talk dis one o! Na Baba God Himsef talk am -- I YAM DAT I YAM" . All her yams were sold!

OLAADEGBU:

Traders In A Market.

Yoruba woman selling apples. Ibo woman selling bread and an Urhobo woman selling yam.

Yoruba woman: "Dis is the Apple of God's eye!" Like hot cake all her apples were sold. Seeing this the Ibo woman takes a cue and calls out.

Ibo woman: "Jesus said, I am the Bread of Life" And all her bread were sold.

The Urhobo trader thought to herself, Yam no dey Bible but Warri no dey carry last! She then shouted

"No be Jesus talk dis one o! Na Baba God Himsef talk am -- I YAM DAT I YAM" . All her yams were sold!

Hahahahahahahahaha
Divine yams.

Satan vists the church One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church.
Before the service starts, the
townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and
running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in their
determined efforts to get away from the Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do." Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't." Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

A man was driving to work when a lorry drove through a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out. Passers-by pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquillised by the paramedics.

Later, when he came to and was calm, they asked him why he struggled so much. He said:

"I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing in front of the S."

Angel Gabriel.

Gabriel came to the Lord and said:

"I have to talk to you. I have some Nigerians up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is gone missing, Maggi sauce and Ogbono soup are all over their robes; hamhocks, Isi-ewu, Cow-feet and Bokoto bones are all over the streets of Gold; some folks are walking around with one wing, they have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are beer bottles all over the clouds, some aren't even wearing their halos, saying it doesn't fit with their hairstyles."

The Lord said:

"I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone:

"Hello? What the . . . !, hold on one minute."

The Devil returned to the phone and said:

"Hello Lord, what can I do for you?"

The Lord replied:

"Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there."

The Devil said:

"Wait one minute,"

And put the Lord on hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said:

"Okay, I'm back. What was the question again?"

The Lord said:

"What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said:

"Man, I don't belieee . . . . hold on, Lord" .

This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said:

"I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. These Nigerians put the fire out, and now they are trying to install air conditioning! They even bribed my guys!"

Source

Someone sent me this joke to my Blackberry

CHURCH SERVICE IN THE 22ND
CENTURY.

PASTOR: Praise
the Lord.

CONGREGATION:
Hallelujah.

PASTOR: Can we please turn
our tablet PC bibles to 1
Cor.13:13. ...

MEMBER: 1 Cor. 13:
13. Now these three things
abide -

PASTOR: Wait. Which brand
is your tablet, please?.

MEMBER: Er - Galaxy tablet, Pastor.

PASTOR: Oh i need someone
to read KJV on a Toshiba Thrive. Yes, my dear
sister Agatha

[Agatha reads]
[After
sermon]

PASTOR: We shall take our tithes and offerings.

[Ushers direct the
moving queue of members towards
ATM machines and
tellers with laptops where they make
payments with ATM
cards withdrawals and Master
cards.

[Announcement]
SECRETARY: This week's meetings shall be held
on the various Facebook
group pages where the usual
group chatting takes place.
Please don't miss out.
Thursday's
bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs
GMT. Please don't miss out. You can follow Pastor on
Twitter this weekend
for counselling and prayers.
God bless you and have a wonderful week.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7_0NoRHOEM

OLAADEGBU: Angel Gabriel.

Gabriel came to the Lord and said:

"I have to talk to you. I have some Nigerians up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is gone missing, Maggi sauce and Ogbono soup are all over their robes; hamhocks, Isi-ewu, Cow-feet and Bokoto bones are all over the streets of Gold; some folks are walking around with one wing, they have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are beer bottles all over the clouds, some aren't even wearing their halos, saying it doesn't fit with their hairstyles."

The Lord said:

"I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone:

"Hello? What the . . . !, hold on one minute."

The Devil returned to the phone and said:

"Hello Lord, what can I do for you?"

The Lord replied:

"Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there."

The Devil said:

"Wait one minute,"

And put the Lord on hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said:

"Okay, I'm back. What was the question again?"

The Lord said:

"What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said:

"Man, I don't belieee . . . . hold on, Lord" .

This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said:

"I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. These Nigerians put the fire out, and now they are trying to install air conditioning! They even bribed my guys!"

Source

Oh my God! I was rocking in laughter like a maniac when I read this. Abeg Naija cannot fit to carry last o lol

manmustwac: Someone sent me this joke to my Blackberry

CHURCH SERVICE IN THE 22ND
CENTURY.

PASTOR: Praise
the Lord.

CONGREGATION:
Hallelujah.

PASTOR: Can we please turn
our tablet PC bibles to 1
Cor.13:13. ...

MEMBER: 1 Cor. 13:
13. Now these three things
abide -

PASTOR: Wait. Which brand
is your tablet, please?.

MEMBER: Er - Galaxy tablet, Pastor.

PASTOR: Oh i need someone
to read KJV on a Toshiba Thrive. Yes, my dear
sister Agatha

[Agatha reads]
[After
sermon]

PASTOR: We shall take our tithes and offerings.

[Ushers direct the
moving queue of members towards
ATM machines and
tellers with laptops where they make
payments with ATM
cards withdrawals and Master
cards.

[Announcement]
SECRETARY: This week's meetings shall be held
on the various Facebook
group pages where the usual
group chatting takes place.
Please don't miss out.
Thursday's
bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs
GMT. Please don't miss out. You can follow Pastor on
Twitter this weekend
for counselling and prayers.
God bless you and have a wonderful week.

lol, my church nearly resembles this one. most of the members use ipad/iphone bibles, and the pastors do daily devotionals on twitter. the only difference is that atm machines are not in church but people pay tithes and offerings via their smartphones by texting the amount to a special phone number. #TrueStory

Christianity gone digital!

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged,

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded, "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

-- J. John and Mark Stibbe

OLAADEGBU: When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged,

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded, "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

-- J. John and Mark Stibbe

good one

Ihedinobi:

Oh my God! I was rocking in laughter like a maniac when I read this. Abeg Naija cannot fit to carry last o lol

True talk, Naija no dey carry last. Here is another one:

Naija For Show

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new chairman for Microsoft Europe. Five thousand candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate was Ayodele, a Nigerian guy.

Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asked those who do not know Java program to leave. Two thousands candidates left the room. Ayodele says to himself, "I do not know Java but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I’ll give it a try."

Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. Two thousand left the room. Ayodele says to himself "I never managed anybody but myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?" So he stays, then Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not have management diploma to leave. Five hundred people left the room. Ayodele says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I to lose?" So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill asked the candidates who do not speak Serb-Croatian to leave. 498 candidates left the room. Ayodele says to himself, "I do not speak Serb-Croatian but what do I have to lose?" So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joined them and said, "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serb-Croatian, so I’d like to hear you have a conversation together in that language."

Calmly, Ayodele turns to the other candidate and says "Wahala dey o!" .

The other candidate answers "O ga ju!"

Bill Gates said: "You are both hired".

Don’t you just love Nigerians. Any day, anytime, anywhere, they never give up. So don’t give up, you will lose nothing by trying more

"When we get to heaven, there will be no more disappointment or pain. Until then, you can choose to keep loving."

OLAADEGBU: When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged,

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded, "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

-- J. John and Mark Stibbe

Ola,
hahaha

its like you are speaking from experience.

OLAADEGBU: When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged,

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded, "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

-- J. John and Mark Stibbe

Ola,
hahaha

its like you are speaking from experience.

cyrexx please keep it coming . olaadegbu get out with your dry jokes