Fellow NLers. I greet y'all.
First of of all, I'l try to make this as brief as possible.

Growing up as kids, we (4 male Children) were so disciplined by our parents, especially by our dad. And I must say that it has really manifested in us. We always thanked God for having such wonderful parents. We also grew as one strong and united family till date.

But as it may be in nature, children seem to have more affinity to the mother (and vice versa), and this was also the case in our family. We (mum and children) are almost always together doing most thing together like cooking, watching TV in the palour, and so on. Dad, being the kind of person he is, is always tied down in his room with his books doing his studies and research (He is a professor- e even carry lecturing for im head). That not withstanding, we always try to ecourage him to find some time to come join us in the palour for gists and watch the TV. Well, "He tried."

We overcame that attitude of his and moved on. That is not to say that we beefed him- Noooo!!! Far from it. Besides, his job was for our upbringing.

Now, we've grown. The youngest is even 26yrs old.
During our University days, we were no longer at home always (We didnt even school in my Parents' Uni); so the only ones left at home were my parents and a lil male househelp (though, he has gone back). My Mum began to feel lonely as there was no 'Us' to gist with her whenever my parents are both back from Sch Work. Popsie maintained his On-His-Own attitude (though with slight improvement). Mum was, however, not satisfied with that 'improvement' and that is understandable because women like a 2-4-7 attention.

Children and Mum resorted to everyday phone-call so as to create a virtual presence. It worked to a great extent, I must say. We equally came back home during holidays to meet sweet mum, spend quality time together before the next semester begins.

2 yrs ago, the first 2guys got jobs almost immediately after their service yr; meanwhile the remaining two guys were serving. In other words, our absence were still felt in the house. From time to time, however, we came home to visit. We already realised that we have got to that stage in our family-lives when it becomes difficult for us all to assemble together under one roof. But the bond was still there!

Soon after the last two were done with service_yr, Mum died
We miss mum so dearly. We still grief her but life must go on by the Grace of Almighty God.

Now, trouble looms
Just barely a year after her demise, Dad says he wants a companion. Wadafuk?!!
He gathered us together, pleading to us to let him do it because he "is in a state of near solitude"; saying that the two remaining children at home were always engaged in their repective activites. One of them is currently studing for his MSc online, so he is always glued to his PC and his books.

But that impression of his is not a strong fact because the two guys always gist whenever they are together, even while they on their so-called activities. The real ish is that pops has always been the indoor type and had not really had quality time with the children, right from upbringing. So that affinity was not always there. We even try to pop up a gist with him when he is around to listen.

So, in response to his plea, we told him NO on the spot!!, sighting the social, financial, moral and otherwise implications it is going to cost us.

Socially, How can we stand face-to-face with our learned relatives that popsie has another wife now.

Financialy, how does he plan to shoulder the extravagant material needs of the new lady. Definitely, she would want to look good and own her stuffs too. Besides, not all of us got jobs, hence, his much attention is needed towards helping us establish ourselves, and that requires finances.

Even if she eventually arrives, with the two guys still living under the same roof with dad, what moral lesson will be learnt when she, maybe, cooks and the children refuse to eat her food. Here, discord sets in, and what we watch in nollywood, no matter how mediocre the movie production is, is not far from the truth. She will begin to feel unsecure, and we know what can follow next.

The implications are inexhaustible but I'ma hold it here. I need your candid and genuine views to this.
Is there anyone who has found his or herself in this situation before? If yes, pls kindly drop more implications, be it good or bad. I want to weigh the pros and cons, before I (and of course the children in general) give our final verdict. Final verdict, in the sense that he appealed that we go back and have a rethink to our initial verdict.

PS: Mature minds only.

Mods, front page puleease.

Simple answer - will you be a wife to your father? A man is not destined to be alone. Let your father be. At the time all of you are out of the house, you still want your father to be alone. Brace up boy - you are all adults, and you should all act and think like one.

You are concerned about how your relatives feel, but not how your father feels.

Why do you assume the new wife will be extravagant? Do you know her? Did he complain about finances when your Mum was alive?

If the children who are adults refuse to eat her food, then they need will fend for themselves - they are no more babies. Maybe they arent hungry.

Have a rethink as adults not as kids this time. Let your father be. Or you cook for him? Tend to his needs for him? You want him to be going to mama put to eat maybe? You want to clean his clothes for him? You want to be a wife to him? Ah come on.

Is your problem that it is too early or that you dont want to see your Dad happy at all?

Haba.

Of course, man is not destined to be alone, so also the women. Now judging from his lack-lustre relationship with mum, whom he didnt spend much time with, dont you think it is selfishness on his part?

We left for studies and is understandabke and inevitable. We didnt leave Dad to be ALONE in the house. Mum was there with him and the were supposed to keep each other company.

Of course, we r not kids anymore, but the unity of a family is meant to stand till oldage or even death.
Fending for ourselves is no big deal, and is not the issue, matter of fact, its was used as an instance. There things that may sieze to happen, to the detriment of the family unity. The issue is: will he find it confortable in his conscience that this kind of thing are happening. If he is ok with it, fine.

Cooking for him hasnt been any issue at all, niether is taking care of him is. But i'm not talking about that.
Ofcourse we'll all get married one day, but as far as the timing is concerned, it is way too early for him to do this.

Please forget about all this things you call "implications", don't allow your father to die in isolation. You have a caring father who have seen you guys through university and even stooped so low as to seek your consent on his private life (not African like).
Don't allow the little education he has given you to make you lose your head on issues that bother on intimacy. Haven't you heard of randy old men (70years) getting intimate with kids (10years) or is it when your father starts running after your wife at full "konji"? I guess you will open another thread then, huh?

*Prof. still dey attain full 'konji' abeg allow am jare.

I am sure you wouldn't be happy if you heard your dad knocked some randy 16 year old....Let him marry and you must accept his new wife ok? I think your dad was even open by allowing you pre-knowledge of the whole situation...Your moms gone life goes on

Cheers

I appreciate all your comments, and there much degree of sincerity and fact in them. But the truth is that we feel bad considering the level of attention he gave to mumsie while she was around. We still dey vex for am. Also, like, I said, we still grief. One yr isnt enough. But life must still go on.

My opinion is that if he has to remarry, let him wait for like 2-3yrs. Not now, not so soon.

Oya, more comments please.

^^
From the way he is itching to do this, one would get the feeling that he already got someone in mind. He is only waiting for the greenlight so that the lady can move in. (I know he may want to act like he's searching, whereas the search has already been done). And if this feeling is true, then it is totally wrong, moreso, worse! That implies that he has been making paroles with the lady underground during the mourning period. Now what is your take on this? We love our dad, notwithstanding. But attitudes like this may force one to do what people may term to be absurd,

Hmmm, interesting thread.
@OP,
i know it hurts to lose a loved one,but you gotta move on with life.
Your pop sounds like a reasponsible man and trained four of you boys to the highest level of his capabilities.
Yes lots of fathers are like your dad,they may appear to be uncaring and live the life of an introvert,but such men love their families to death and always want the best for them,at least he trained you and your brothers very well.
The fact that your father wants to start dating again and possibly get married and he took time out to explain to you his kids shows he is a responsible and caring man.
At a certain age a man needs a companion and I feel he was looking ahead to the time the two brothers not yet employed will secure jobs and leave home. At that time,he will need companionship,which his new wife will provide.
The last son is 26 YEARS OLD,and you are saying you are not gonna eat your fathers wifes food? How about you guys going out to get some food for yourself? Do you think it is easy providing food for a family?
Please accept your fathers right to make his own decisions,he is an adult and you and your brothers should give him his space.
Your mother was dear to you but you came into the world through two people. This is the time to become close to your father,make him your friend and not your enemy. Learn to play with him and tap from his fountain of wisdom and above all thank the Lord that he is trying to take a new wife in a matured and responsible way.
The new wife can not replace your late mum,so stop looking at her as competition. She is your daddys companion,so if that is what makes him happy,please try to like her too.

Oops.
Hate posting with a phone.

Your Dad deserves a new wife. He does not even need your permission to get married. It is within his personal right to have a companion.

Op, sorry for the loss of your mum but sincerely speaking, you're sounding so selfish. You're here mourning the loss of your mother but do you know what it means to lose a wife and companion? You guys are not being fair on your dad and don't even care how he feels.
Listen, your dad married your mum 'for better for worse, till death do them apart and death has done exactly that and he has to move on with life.
By the side, what is a 26yrs old man still doing in his father's house?

May your mum keep resting in peace Amen

Poster, Sometimes, we think we know more than our parents, the certificates we have manage to accumulate over the years sometimes deceives us. Learned relatives indeed! who cares? Are you living your life to please others? What will make your daddy happy

Tell us, how is it morally or socially wrong that a widower wants to remarry? Please tell me? Why are 4 grown MEN not bickering old women even concerned about what people will say. Do you know what happens in everyone's home?

Financially, it might strain the old dear a bit, however instead of needing your "father's attention and finances" how about you all get something doing. Hasn't he tried enough? When is he going to start eating the fruit of his labour?
The man needs company and you are deliberating over what people will say, don't you want him to be happy?

4 full grown men niyen o, youngest being 26 years old. A 26 years old will refuse to eat food, food he should even be grateful for. A 26 year old man that shouldn't be living at home but still is and you are already presuming that he won't eat food. I mean food? In this situation, should that be your line of thought

So to sum up some of the reasons you and your siblings does not want your father to remarry. . . "What will our learned relatives think, his much attention is needed towards helping us establish ourselves, and that requires finances (you need his money)and finally you may or may not eat her food" now please tell me is that not very selfish of all 4 of you

Stop whining and grow up.

less than a year after his wife's death and he wants to marry again? was he dating her while your mum was alive? na wah oh!

I wonder what people's reaction here would be if it were a woman wanting another husband so soon after hub's death.

I think the man needs to respect his late wife and wait for a reasonable period before he replaces her. All those years with her should count for something!

op. so sorry about your mum. may she rest in peace (that's if her hub will let her).

before you guys attack me, lets listen to the op's concerns. the man's not going to die of boredom, he has always been a loner. i doubt sex is his motivation cos i'm sure him and his late wife (GOD bless her soul) were not really rumpling the sheets on a daily basis. Why is he so eager to replace her?

The way i see it, he's too much in a hurry. Is he trying to say he had a bad marriage and wants to marry his soul mate now? I just dont understand men.

My dad died 7years ago and mum has no plans to replace him.

Ujujoan: less than a year after his wife's death and he wants to marry again? was he dating her while your mum was alive? na wah oh!

I wonder what people's reaction here would be if it were a woman wanting another husband so soon after hub's death.

I think the man needs to respect his late wife and wait for a reasonable period before he replaces her. All those years with her should count for something!

So because it is one year now means he was dating the woman before? Or what is your definition of reasonable time? 50 years?

maybe i'm going crazy. but someone who lost a spouse should still be grieving now. but this man has already picked a replacement. he's not talking about starting to date, he's talking about getting married. it's wrong. and yes, if he waits for 50 years it's not to much. the woman gave him a lovely life for God's sakes and already he wants to throw it all away. In less than a year? Mba nu!

Ujujoan: maybe i'm going crazy. but someone who lost a spouse should still be grieving now. but this man has already picked a replacement. he's not talking about starting to date, he's talking about getting married. it's wrong. and yes, if he waits for 50 years it's not to much. the woman gave him a lovely life for God's sakes and already he wants to throw it all away. In less than a year? Mba nu!

Does it mean he is no longer grieving once he re marries? I dont get it. He can grieve for life, but then doesnt mean he should wait till eternity to get back with a woman. One year is 365 days- is that a short period of time?

will you marry a man who's still grieving for his late wife?

Uju, Chukwu gozie gi. So far, ur post has been the most reasonable.
I noticed dat d males hold a similar view. dey may av made som points based on dia little undastandin abt d whole thin.
Guys, pls the timin is unripe for cryin out loud. A man who loved his wife so dearly n spent quality time wit her shdnt b talkin abt replacement barely a year after his wife's demise.

Even if we accept, doesnt he realize that mum also has her own immediate family. How do you think their reactions would be. Now, if they accuse him of having a hand in her death, are they wrong in having such notion in their mind. For Pete's sake, lets think!

I repeat, Not eating his food isnt the issue. But trying to do something that would dissociate us from societal embarrassment is. So spare me that "who gives a fvck if he doesnt eat" crap. If you must know, all four can fend for themselves confortably.

Please b more reasonable in your views.

werepeLeri:

Does it mean he is no longer grieving once he re marries? I dont get it. He can grieve for life, but then doesnt mean he should wait till eternity to get back with a woman. One year is 365 days- is that a short period of time?

And 30 yrs is 10680 days of supposed genuine fidelity and love. So piping low for, say, 5yrs is it too much for a request?

Poster I have 2 options for you

1, Get married and never stop being the responsible dad you know

OR

2, Visit motels and brothels in search of satisfaction.

Which one will you prefer most?

I think the second option is going to hurt your family most.

According to Fela: he said and I quote
It is better to get married,bring her home than looking outside for intimacy
Which makes you exposed to diseases and probably change your life style by drinking and winning.

@op, I have actually heard that men who relied on their wives/ appeared to be so into their wives tend to get married quicker than men who seemed nonchalant about their wives. I have heard this from older couples who have known people go through this.

In my opinion, I think your dad misses your mum so much that he wants a companion to fill the huge gap she left. I don't think you should look at it like he is trying replace your mum. From his reclusive nature, I think he will appreciate company that your brothers aren't able to give him.

Also, from the reasons you have outlined - you do sound selfish. I don't think it is an easy decision for your dad and you guys should give him all the support he needs. If you feel the timing is not right - then tell him. I am sure he will appreciate the honesty and marry his new wife at a more appropriate time.

eustocrat:

And 30 yrs is 10680 days of supposed genuine fidelity and love. So piping low for, say, 5yrs is it too much for a request?

Get it into your mind - she is no more. She is gone - so, what are you talking about? May you never be in this situation your Dad has found himself.

Will you be there for the 5 yrs you want him to stay alone? Haba.

There is no point giving you any advice and hence no point creating this thread as you seem to have everything thought up and every answer to every suggestion.

Good luck.

I'm sure if it were the mom making such plans, she would have by now declared a witch, made to swear on every sango and amadioha shrine etc.
Men can eat their cake, have it, trash it and get away with it.

@OP, there's nothing really you or your siblings can do. Your dad is an adult not a child. I'm sure he must have thought it out well, started making plans and don't actually need your approval or consent. In the interest. Of peace, its best you and your brothers either be happy for him or remain indifferent.

Its his life and he don't owe you guys much again, not after seeing you guys through school. Accept and get used to that!

If it were my dad, I'll be happy for him. You just lost one parent, it wouldn't be wise to start petty squabbles that can lead to bigger issues with the one left.

OP,
I see you are grieving for your mum. Sorry about that and may her soul rest in peace. But to be truthful, your dad is facing the most difficult time of his life and you kids are not there for him neither do you understand him.
Do you think he is not grieving? You kids have each other, you have your lives, friends, careers, things you look forward to everyday. This man has probably lost the only one friend he had and he is retired, lonely and needs help and support. You kids have not played any part in supporting him through this time and that is probably why he needs a companion even more.

Pls ignore the children here suggesting he was dating someone else, that is absolute nonsense. The man is grieving more than you can think and he is lonely and probably has lots of regrets. Regrets about how he treated you mother or so many other things. Please let the man marry in peace. He is the only parent you have left and he is not a terrible father. You guys have your whole lives in front of you. He doesn't have that much time left so pls let him be at least happy.

.

OP,

Definitely you and your brothers are very selfish people.

Your father is bereaved and lonely, the gap his wife took in his life no one can replace, So you prefer your dad to die from loneliness just to save you the embarrassment or pride?

Why don't you and your brother resign your jobs and stop your life for the same 5yrs you prescribe and relocate to your family house to stay with your dad? I am sure you would reject such an idea but you want the man to die alone and you go ahead with your own lives?

So instead of your dad getting married you prefer him to be sleeping around with everyone in the community, or better still die of loneliness

Your fathers marriage was till death did them parts and he has the right to move on now