Don't bite me if you have seen it before



A true football fan
A young man was watching football. He noticed an empty seat in front of him. It was a better seat than his. At half-time he went down to the empty seat. He asked the old man sitting next to the empty one is it ok if i sit here?
No problem, said the old man. It was my wife’s seat, but she’s dead. We’ve been to every home match together for 40 years, and always had these two seats.
A tear rolled down the old man’s cheek.
Don’t you have a friend, or someone from your family, who’d come with you? The young man asked, gently.
The old man wiped his eyes and said yes, but not today. They are all at my wife’s funeral.

There's this man and his travelling across the desert, and he suddenly finds he hasn't got any water left. So his starting to get worried, and his very thirsty, but luckily, a man comes towards him on a camel.
So he said to the man, ' I'm thirsty. Have you got any water?' and the other man says, ' No, I haven't, but I've got a wonderful selection of ties. Would you like to by one?'So the other man says, 'No , of course not!' and man rides away on his camel.
After about another hour or two, he's desperately thirsty and he sees a beautiful 5-star hotel. So he slowly goes up the steps, crying ' water! water!' and the hotel manager says, "I'm sorry, sir. You can't come in here without tie."

A couple was walking in the street the suddenly he found a penguin .The woman asked what they could do with it,her husband answered that they could ask a policeman.This latter said:
Well.you can take him to the zoo.
Two days later,the policeman met them in the street with the penguin.
He said: told you to take it to the zoo.

The woman answered:
Yes, we did we took him to the zoo, to the muSeum and tonight we are going to take it to the restaurant.
What a lucky penguin.

A very old lady teacher of English ask this question with the class:

When I say "I am beautiful", which tense is it?

One pupil anwers: It's the past of course.

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

A farmer and his son were both very lazy.
As they sprawled in their chairs one day, the father said :
'John, go out and see if it's raining'.
'Ah father, can't you call in the dog and see if he's wet?' answered the son.

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

A guy's enjoying his drink at the bar when he hears a tiny voice saying, "That's a nice shirt you're wearing tonight." He looks around, then realizes that no one is there.

He shrugs it off and continues drinking. A couple minutes later he hears another tiny voice saying, "You look really handsome with your hair combed like that." Once again he looks around, and once again realizes that nobody is talking to him.

He calls the bartender over and tells him about the tiny voices. The bartender asks him what the voices are saying. When the guy tells him, the bartender says, "Oh, those are the peanuts. They're complimentary."

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fife is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

U are so lucky i aint seen any1 b4 else i woulda finished u with help from saucekid

ituen:



You are so lucky i aint seen anyone before else i woulda finished u with help from saucekid

Bad Boi

Hey what of 2008 jokes shld w wait till the 31st of Dec 08

Uzzyan:

Hey what of 2008 jokes shld w wait till the 31st of Dec 08

I will post that later today

ok o am waiting

Thug Life:


I will post that later today

dont u know how to keep a lady in suspense? Log off and come back same time next yr

Wld be expectin ur jokes by 31 Dec 2008

hhehehehhehehe