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My Short Drama Script- Pls Criticise! by sholay2011(m): 10:56am On Aug 27, 2012
Hello, I'm here again. Just drafted this short drama piece. Pls criticise constructively, thanks.
In addition, the short story is contained in the file attached to d thread by the name- 'A legacy'.

Re: My Short Drama Script- Pls Criticise! by VillageBoi(m): 12:23pm On Aug 27, 2012
sholay2011: Hello, I'm here again. Just drafted this short drama piece. Pls criticise constructively, thanks.
In addition, the short story is contained in the file attached to d thread by the name- 'A legacy'.

Yo Sholay, nice one. Good effort, well done! Here are a few pointers. When we first see Rotimi you say – “His friend sits down…” Add in a line of ‘description’ so we right away know he is as old as Kizito.

Remove the bit is scene 2 where Mama Ronke ‘falls into deep thought’ and as in every Nollywood film, miraculously figures out the answer – RE: The books - Rotimi could simply say “They don’t belong to Ronke, they are mine’. A few lines down she cries two tears and says “Ok, you can go and realise your dreams”… where is the ‘conflict’
The ‘resolutions’ up to this point are far too easy! Kind of a cop out.

The next scene – excerpt –
Ronke is in her sitting room and dials a number on her cell phone. We saw that happen so why does she tell her boyfriend ‘she has to call her dad’? Then she tells ‘us’ “It’s ringing” – your audience isn’t deaf – they can ‘hear’ the ring tone.
I’m saying these things to make you start visualising in ‘images’. Don’t tell, tell, tell; do much more of show, show, show.
I would have expected – she’s on the phone, we hear the dial tone, her bf comes in and hugs her, she raises a finger to her lips as in shhhhh, points to the phone and whispers “My dad”. We’d get that without all the ‘explanatory’ dialogue.

I’m not sure about Uni in Nigeria but ‘Class Representative’?? That’s so secondary school prefect. And you character Queen talks too much.

A lot more to say but I’ll end with this – What is your ‘story’? It starts off as the tribulation of an older man wanting an education – very good, then in descends into some classroom stuff which you should cut all of that out. Find something else to link to his ‘graduation’. Let’s be honest – the classroom stuff is a bit of a hot mess and take a lot away from the original story.

Also as a tough writing exercise – cut out two-thirds of your dialogue – only write words that move the story forward and have a place in the script and don’t let your characters keep on repeating themselves.

PS – His wife does not have to die

You can write an amazing story with practice and it reminds me of ‘The First Grader’ http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0790663/ – If you can watch that film.
Re: My Short Drama Script- Pls Criticise! by sholay2011(m): 1:28pm On Aug 27, 2012
VillageBoi:

Yo Sholay, nice one. Good effort, well done! Here are a few pointers. When we first see Rotimi you say – “His friend sits down…” Add in a line of ‘description’ so we right away know he is as old as Kizito.

Remove the bit is scene 2 where Mama Ronke ‘falls into deep thought’ and as in every Nollywood film, miraculously figures out the answer – RE: The books - Rotimi could simply say “They don’t belong to Ronke, they are mine’. A few lines down she cries two tears and says “Ok, you can go and realise your dreams”… where is the ‘conflict’
The ‘resolutions’ up to this point are far too easy! Kind of a cop out.

The next scene – excerpt –
Ronke is in her sitting room and dials a number on her cell phone. We saw that happen so why does she tell her boyfriend ‘she has to call her dad’? Then she tells ‘us’ “It’s ringing” – your audience isn’t deaf – they can ‘hear’ the ring tone.
I’m saying these things to make you start visualising in ‘images’. Don’t tell, tell, tell; do much more of show, show, show.
I would have expected – she’s on the phone, we hear the dial tone, her bf comes in and hugs her, she raises a finger to her lips as in shhhhh, points to the phone and whispers “My dad”. We’d get that without all the ‘explanatory’ dialogue.

I’m not sure about Uni in Nigeria but ‘Class Representative’?? That’s so secondary school prefect. And you character Queen talks too much.

A lot more to say but I’ll end with this – What is your ‘story’? It starts off as the tribulation of an older man wanting an education – very good, then in descends into some classroom stuff which you should cut all of that out. Find something else to link to his ‘graduation’. Let’s be honest – the classroom stuff is a bit of a hot mess and take a lot away from the original story.

Also as a tough writing exercise – cut out two-thirds of your dialogue – only write words that move the story forward and have a place in the script and don’t let your characters keep on repeating themselves.

PS – His wife does not have to die

You can write an amazing story with practice and it reminds me of ‘The First Grader’ http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0790663/ – If you can watch that film.
Thanks very much, my bro for d correctns. but lemme talk frm my view:
As regards the scene 2, I was trying to show that Mama Ronke already knew her husband had interest in going back to school but never took him serious and didn't know he would go that far. (She was not too dumb to figure that out...lol). Still, i will take note of the 'go and realise your dreams issue'. I will also take note of the Kizito's age description.
As regards where Ronke was calling her dad, she just finished having sex wiv her supposed boyfriend whom she didnt want her father to know that she spent the night with him...so, she had to literally alert him that she wants to call her dad and congratulate him on his admission.
Well, as for Queen, as much as I wanted her to be villain of the story; being talkative also made her distinct. Don't you think some ladies could be very insulting and talkative or do you mean she should 'tell' less and 'show' more...lol
Villageboi...thanks very much.
Re: My Short Drama Script- Pls Criticise! by Consigliere(m): 1:59pm On Aug 27, 2012
@sholay..i read ur script and found it very interesting,But lemme tell u wot i expect...i expect dt d story will b more of d challenges face by Rotimi as a student..n u should try to visualize more ...n i dont think Mama ronke should easily agree with her husband like dt...U knw women dey love to nag about issues b4 dey actually made up their mind...
Good write up any way keep it Up
Re: My Short Drama Script- Pls Criticise! by sholay2011(m): 2:23pm On Aug 27, 2012
Consigliere: @sholay..i read ur script and found it very interesting,But lemme tell u wot i expect...i expect dt d story will b more of d challenges face by Rotimi as a student..n u should try to visualize more ...n i dont think Mama ronke should easily agree with her husband like dt...U knw women dey love to nag about issues b4 dey actually made up their mind...
Good write up any way keep it Up
Thanks v much. I would take note on that mama ronke issue...maybe because i wanted it to be a short script drama and so didnt explore d challenegs faced by Mr Rotimi but the one I was sure he would face unlike every other student was the age factor thing which the story's villain-Queen tried using to get at him but he never felt ashamed cos he had a goal. the objective of the drama piece is actually to show that 'it's never too late' which inspired his own daughter, Ronke, after series of failed relationships, not to show that 'schooling at an old age is challenging'. tnx all d same.

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Re: My Short Drama Script- Pls Criticise! by VillageBoi(m): 2:49pm On Aug 27, 2012
I do agree with Consgliere about making it more about 'the challenges faced by Rotimi as a student' - that's where the story is. Also give much more thought to how people 'really' behave - Would Ronke be calling her dad just after intimacy especially if she doesn't want him to kow she spent the night with her boyfriend? Doubtfull... rather the call would come to her phone; not her making the call - that immediately causes 'conflict' in the scene. Think deeply of the 'why' X, Y or Z happens in every scene when you write. Well done.

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Re: My Short Drama Script- Pls Criticise! by sholay2011(m): 4:26pm On Aug 27, 2012
VillageBoi:
I do agree with Consgliere about making it more about 'the challenges faced by Rotimi as a student' - that's where the story is. Also give much more thought to how people 'really' behave - Would Ronke be calling her dad just after intimacy especially if she doesn't want him to kow she spent the night with her boyfriend? Doubtfull... rather the call would come to her phone; not her making the call - that immediately causes 'conflict' in the scene. Think deeply of the 'why' X, Y or Z happens in every scene when you write. Well done.
E se gan an sir wink
Re: My Short Drama Script- Pls Criticise! by lynx200(m): 9:39pm On Aug 27, 2012
A nice concept sholay but I think the focus should be solely on the challenges he faces in the class (Like consigliere said) instead of throwing in the family. They have no bearing on the story. Just the conflicting situations he has with the younger students in the class can fill up a feature film not to talk of a short film. In short films one should be straight to the point and concise. The family can come in if only it's a feature length film. Check out village boi's sweet sixteen short film to see how concise it is. One other thing there is two much dialogue. Let the visuals talk instead of the nollywood nonsense of overtalking. You didn't give us d age of Rotimi and I don't agree with the death of Mama Ronke. Showing us a bit of the driver mentality in Rotimi on campus in contrast to his younger peers should be interesting and taking us through his transformation to a refined man will make more sense as the audience can follow Rotimi's journey. Read some more film scripts to get an idea of how to incorporate all these into your scripts. Check out www.script-o-rama.com and www.IMSDB.com(International movie script data base)to download some short film scripts. Hope this helps.
Re: My Short Drama Script- Pls Criticise! by VillageBoi(m): 9:41pm On Aug 27, 2012
sholay2011:
E se gan an sir wink

You're very welcome bro.
Re: My Short Drama Script- Pls Criticise! by VillageBoi(m): 9:50pm On Aug 27, 2012
lynx200: A nice concept sholay but I think the focus should be solely on the challenges he faces in the class (Like consigliere said) instead of throwing in the family. They have no bearing on the story. Just the conflicting situations he has with the younger students in the class can fill up a feature film.

Well said Lynx. He has a very good idea and as you rightly said just the class conflict can make a feature film.
@ Sholay - Remeber how we come from a society that 'respects' elders? Queen could be the one person that gives him hell because he's much, much older... that could play a bit more intersting than the class prefect thing IMO. I also think you should write it as a feature; you're onto something very good here.
Re: My Short Drama Script- Pls Criticise! by sholay2011(m): 9:16am On Aug 28, 2012
VillageBoi:

Well said Lynx. He has a very good idea and as you rightly said just the class conflict can make a feature film.
@ Sholay - Remeber how we come from a society that 'respects' elders? Queen could be the one person that gives him hell because he's much, much older... that could play a bit more intersting than the class prefect thing IMO. I also think you should write it as a feature; you're onto something very good here.
Tnx very much everybody. actually, I am used to writing for a feature film and not a short one and this is my first attempt which 'really showed' grin. Nevertheless, I am grateful for d encouragement and corrections.
PS Mr Villageboi, I used 'class representative' which is very well used in our naija universities (also 'governor'), not 'class prefect'. lol.
Re: My Short Drama Script- Pls Criticise! by VillageBoi(m): 12:36am On Aug 29, 2012
sholay2011:
Tnx very much everybody. actually, I am used to writing for a feature film and not a short one and this is my first attempt which 'really showed' grin. Nevertheless, I am grateful for d encouragement and corrections.
PS Mr Villageboi, I used 'class representative' which is very well used in our naija universities (also 'governor'), not 'class prefect'. lol.

You're welcome bro. Yeah shorts are a bit tricky as there is no time to develop the characters; glad to hear you're into features. Thanks for the info, I didn't know that about Naija Unis.
Re: My Short Drama Script- Pls Criticise! by Nobody: 12:25pm On Aug 29, 2012
very brief, precise, straight to the point and quite interesting. Kudos...ul make a good author.
Re: My Short Drama Script- Pls Criticise! by mufex(m): 3:57pm On Aug 29, 2012
You are a very talented writer. Nice dialogues, story.....I would like to read more of your works.
Write down your e-mail so that we will talk more.....thanks.

1 Like

Re: My Short Drama Script- Pls Criticise! by sholay2011(m): 7:34pm On Aug 29, 2012
mufex: You are a very talented writer. Nice dialogues, story.....I would like to read more of your works.
Write down your e-mail so that we will talk more.....thanks.
Am very grateful for d compliment. Here is my email- oladesuolusola@yahoo.com.

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