[I]William Femi Awodele[/I]
"When an African man or woman is born and raised in Nigeria, Ghana, etc such a
person is greatly influenced by the culture and religion and may not be aware of it.

1. Issue of Dowry and the role of the man and woman

The payment of dowry is a common practice in Africa, while dowry
payments date back to Bible days, its meaning has changed. Dowry is now
seen as purchasing the woman, so the woman is seen as a property and not
a helpmate.

For many years when women were uneducated, men got away with treating
them as a property. But with women lawyers, doctors, and other highly
placed professionals, things are changing.

Based on the issue of dowry, women are treated different. We joke that a
woman's place is in the kitchen. African men force respect out of their
spouse by beating them instead of getting it through good leadership.
The leadership role of a man is generally interpreted as that of a boss
and servant, instead of the role stated in the Bible, as servant leader
which Christ himself demonstrated in John chapter 13 when He washed the
feet of His disciple.

While speaking to over 100 pastors and wives in Port-au-Prince, Haiti
last week (4/8 - 4/16/05) you could have heard the pin drop when I said
men and women are equal before God and men are only the leader among
equal.

Earning more than your husband is a new concept that many people don't
know how to deal with because for decades African men (and indeed men
all over the world) have tied leading the home to financial dominance or
more earning capacity.

2. Conflict Resolution

Africans have always resolved conflicts by going to the Elders in the
village or among the extended family, while this has served us well and
I still recommend it, it's becoming a problem for us to do because this
elders for the most part don't deal with the issues brought up e.g.
adultery (because they are committing adultery themselves), they only
pacify the wife and husband. Because of our Spiritual believes we do not
believe in airing our dirty laundry, which means help is not sought for
marital problems until it is too late and when help is sought, a lot of
emphasis is placed on what the "devil" did instead of taking
responsibility for what happened and fixing it. Every marriage will have
problem(s) the and faster you seek help the better for your marriage.

3. Romance

My maternal grandpa had 10 wives that I know and this is typical of men
in his days (read my novel "The Power of Forgiveness" - by Femi Awodele
xulonpress.com). If they show favoritism to one of the women, that woman
is in trouble with the other wives. A man who is able to have sex with
10 different women do not need romance (men give romance to get sex,
while women give sex to get romance - Tommy Nelson). As Africans we did
not see our parents show romance to their spouse(s) and if anyone does
that we call them names "woman wrapper" or "Ruth". What gets on my
nerves is when African men tell me that being Romantic is a western
culture, then I refer them to the Bible which was written thousands of
years ago and it has nothing to do with western culture.

Being romantic with your wife or husband is the way to maintain your
marriage. Women were created by God to be an emotional creation, while
men are logical or analytical. For centuries, the African culture has
forced the woman to work opposite the function of their God given
hormone "estrogen" (If an African woman asks her husband for sex - which
will happen during her ovulation period - she is called "Ashawo"

4. Influence of Extended Family

Extended family has tremendous influence on an African Marriage. A
couple once told me that the husband's mother told both of them
separately not to reveal what they earn to each other. In my speaking
engagements, people have told me how the husband or wives listen to the
family in Nigeria or Togo and not to the spouse they live with here in
the United States or in London. One man actually told his wife that
until he finish building a house in Nigeria they will continue to live
in apartment with 3 kids, when I ask him when he was moving back to
Nigeria, he said not for a long time, but he believed building a house
for his parents while his kids live in a bad neighborhood and go to a
bad school district is the best thing. Many women soon challenge the
reasoning behind such thinking by refusing to combine their income
(which is needed to face the bills in western countries - you cannot
bribe NEPA men to go away if you don't pay your bills). A lot of women
also, choose not to combine their income with the husband because they
think, it is the husband's job to pay bills - they'll rather buy the
latest fashion and its accessories from Switzerland or Austria.

5. Extreme of the Women

While most of the dominance is men related, the women have also bought
into the lies of the national organization of women (NOW). I do lay
counseling and would not tell any woman to stay in an abusive
relationship. I would suggest you separate (if physical or emotional
abuse is involved) while seeking help from professional counselors or
your church or mosque (hopefully your pastor or imam will know when to
refer you for professional help). Divorce is not the better option. The
man is still the head of the home (Ephesians 5: 22 - leader among equal)
and he should be accorded such respect. Don't usurp his authority
because you earn more or throw him out because he is a Taxi driver. You
will get more done by gentle nudging him to do things and occasionally
showing tough love when necessary.

Author: Mr. Femi Awodele
(Newspaper Feature | [url=http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-url/index%3Dstripbooks%3Arelevance-above%26field-keywords%3Dfemi%252520awodele%26search-type%3Dss%26bq%3D1%26store-name%3Dbooks/ref%3Dxs%5Fap%5Fsai4%5Fxgl14/002-9594717-4831206]Books on Amazon.com[/url] | [email=femi@christiancouples.com]e-mail[/email])

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[img]http://www.nairaland.com.nyud.net:8090/img/femi-awodele.jpg[/img]
William Femi Awodele is the Executive Director of Christian Couples Fellowship International, Inc., a marriage ministry with chapters worldwide based in Omaha, Nebraska, in the United States.

[img]http://www.nairaland.com.nyud.net:8090/img/ola-awodele.jpg[/img]
He is married to Olatokunbo (a family physician), and they are blessed with two boys, Ibukunoluwa (8 years old) and Fiyinfoluwa (3 years old)."

Don't you mean "How Education affects marriage culture, among westernized Nigerians"

What do you mean