My family stays in the same building with my mother-in-law but different flat…
Due to expensive house rent in Lagos, mother-in-law advised that we moved in to the vacant flat and from there we can plan how to start something on our own land instead of wasting money on house rent. Despite all advise from friends and family not to stay in the same building with my in-laws I turned deaf ears to them and assured them my mother-in-law is a very nice woman, I shouldn’t have any problem with her and moreover, we won’t be staying in the same flat.

To be candid, I don’t have any problem with my in-laws but the problem is my hubby.
After we moved in, he gradually stopped doing some things he normally did before, like helping me with domestic chores, taking a walk with me in the evening during weekends. He helped with cooking anytime he gets home from work early but now, it has stopped…he would be in his mother’s flat waiting for me to come and do the cooking. I asked him twice why he doesn’t cook anymore whenever he comes home earlier than I do, he told me he has spoilt me and he wouldn’t want that to go on. We started arguing where we raised voices at each other and lots more.

Now, any little misunderstanding between us, he would stop eating my food and eat from his mother’s, sometimes he would even abandon me in our flat to play and be with his family.

My questions:
1. Am I wrong to have supported my hubby in staying with my mother-in-law?
2. Can you live in the same building with your mother-in-law or can you and your wife live with your parent?
3. in this kind of situation, what can/should I do?

Pls I need your advice

Please dont drag your mother in law into your husbands childish actions. face your husband he is the one offending you, the poor woman was trying to help, the only place I will fault her is giving him food instead of sending him home to eat. He is the one letting pride and what people will think bring wahala. Your Mother In Law has done nothing wrong

Good fences make good neighbours.

Long story short, win your husband back, even if it means joining him in mama's place and when you've won him over, subtly push him into moving to another place.
This kind of face-me-I-face-you arrangement is NOT healthy especially for a young couple.

Your husband spoilt u. Now u see him cooking as his responsibility when he was jst trying to be helpful. U are courting trouble for yourself and d young marriage. Leave MIL out of this and become the dutiful wife who doesn't nag and doesn't tell oga to go to the kitchen. Ur husband will start staying in ur flat when u learn to let him be.

Gaggi: Your husband spoilt u. Now u see him cooking as his responsibility when he was jst trying to be helpful. U are courting trouble for yourself and d young marriage. Leave MIL out of this and become the dutiful wife who doesn't nag and doesn't tell oga to go to the kitchen. Ur husband will start staying in ur flat when u learn to let him be.

it seems you dont understand it, I don't nag and that is the reason i don't have issues with my in-laws, they all like me.
i never dragged him to kitchen, he did the cookings voluntarily and when he didnt cook the day he got home early, i asked him jokingly and he flared up and i never asked him for that after the second time..his office is close to our house
he gets home around 7pm while i get home around 8.30/9pm, the cooking he does is just to make eba or rice not cooking soap or pound yam...
why didnt he bring out all those behaviours before we moved there?
please be sincere

I quite agree with debrief here. Nothing that is going on between your husband and you seems related to your in-laws or mother in-law. Yes, he goes to her place to eat when he's upset with you but if his mother wasn't there, he'd find another way to act childish (go to a friend's place, go and eat outside etc.).
The problems you are facing with your husband are very common in a new marriage, and should be solved between the two of you. To tell you the truth, my husband has also stopped helping around the house within the first 6 months/1yr of marriage. Unfortunately, some men believe once they have put a ring on your finger you kind of have to take care of them as if they were children

However, my advise is to not let this house chores thing turn into something bigger than it is really. If you have found a good man who doesn't cook, don't break your marriage because of food. What is more important is you two doing things together. Maybe your husband spends time away from your apartment because of the arguments between you too. Sit him down and try to plan some nice outings/time to play and be together and reconnect. you'll sort the "who does what" at home later.

thanks for this miss Ife

the house chores are nothing to me as i have been doing them ever since he has stopped but the fact is that, this is not how we started.

am getting used to it and i will stop complaining henceforth

debrief08: Please dont drag your mother in law into your husbands childish actions. face your husband he is the one offending you, the poor woman was trying to help, the only place I will fault her is giving him food instead of sending him home to eat. He is the one letting pride and what people will think bring wahala. Your Mother In Law has done nothing wrong

I just wonder why he changed AFTER his mom started living close-by.

Could it be that his mum has told him it's not right to cook for his wife? That is a huge possibility!

Besides giving him food when he has a fight with his wife is encouraging him to keep malice. A mother who means well shouldn't do that.

Flakeey:
My questions:
1. Am I wrong to have supported my hubby in staying with my mother-in-law?
2. Can you live in the same building with your mother-in-law or can you and your wife live with your parent?
3. in this kind of situation, what can/should I do?

Pls I need your advice

It's always best to live far away from extended family.
However, in cases like this you have to be extremely careful.

I will advice you tolerate a lot of his excesses.
If you decide to become aggressive, other family members will become involved and take sides with your husband.

Play the dutiful wife and make sure you guys still make arrangement to get your own house and move on.
Many marriages have crumbled because of minor issues like this.

Flakeey: thanks for this miss Ife

the house chores are nothing to me as i have been doing them ever since he has stopped but the fact is that, this is not how we started.

am getting used to it and i will stop complaining henceforth

We didnt say you shouldnt speak out when you feel something is wrong but you should not let this degenerate to a serious issue. Speak calmly and humbly to your husband, you should know his weak spots, talk with him gently, tell him that you are hurt because he doesnt help out as much as he use to and that you still love and respect him but you will greatly appreciate his help as he did before.
Let him also explain his actions, just speak calmly no voice raising, and let it cool for a while, no voice raising

@Bluediva and Debrief

awwww...what a comfort!!!
thanks all

@ Uju, I didn't see where she wrote that the Mother In Law knew they were quarelling and still gave him food.
She simply said when he is angry he goes and eats at his mothers place, sons do that all the time, and if the woman doesn't know they are quarreling I really can't fault her, will you deny your son food?
All I see wrong is if he makes it a habit of eating at his mothers place and the mother doesn't tell him no, but if its a once in a while situation no mother will deny her son food if he asks for food once in a while. She will assume he just misses her cooking, but if its a weekly thing then I would fully fault his mom.
And again she didn't say the mother saw him and spoke with him she said he just stopped on his own.

debrief08: @ Uju, I didn't see where she wrote that the Mother In Law knew they were quarelling and still gave him food.
She simply said when he is angry he goes and eats at his mothers place, sons do that all the time, and if the woman doesn't know they are quarreling I really can't fault her, will you deny your son food?
All I see wrong is if he makes it a habit of eating at his mothers place and the mother doesn't tell him no, but if its a once in a while situation no mother will deny her son food if he asks for food once in a while. She will assume he just misses her cooking, but if its a weekly thing then I would fully fault his mom.
And again she didn't say the mother saw him and spoke with him she said he just stopped on his own.

She didn't also say the mother doesn't know about their mis-understandings. You are concluding she doesn't, just like I'm concluding she does.
If he goes there to eat when he's angry with his wife, then what stops him from telling mum about it I'm sure hubby will pour his sorrows on his poor mum, while mum pets him over a hot plate of eba and egusi soup!
You are suggesting that the mum should send him home to eat whenever he asks for food but is that even reasonable? What's wrong with a man eating his own mother's food? My MIL invites myself and hubby over to eat somtiems. When I can't make it he goes alone and when he can't make it, I go alone. No big deal!

Why isn't his mother sending him back to his house seeing that he spends so much time in the family house? I have a mother and I know the kind she is, she will be asking my brothers why they are not spending time with their wives.

Can the OP tell me if he eats three square meals his mum's?

jennykadry: Why isn't his mother sending him back to his house seeing that he spends so much time in the family house? I have a mother and I know the kind she is, she will be asking my brothers why they are not spending time with their wives.

Can the OP tell me if he eats three square meals his mum's?

Exactly . . . mothers are supposed to direct their childern to the right path in their marriages . . . not encourage division!
Hubby's always glad to see my mum Cos whenever she's around, I'm the dream wife. If I as much as look at him the wrong way I'll get a serious tongue lashing from my mum. The fear of her turns me into a perfect wife!

@ poster, to answer your question, NO.

No, I can't and won't live my mother-in-law or any other in-law for that matter.

Even if the only accommodation I and my hubby i.e we both can afford, is a thatched shack under a tree in the middle of nowhere, then so be it.

Hand in hand, we'll ride the rough times together. That's my understanding of for better for worse.

Ujujoan:

Exactly . . . mothers are supposed to direct their childern to the right path in their marriages . . . not encourage division!
Hubby's always glad to see my mum Cos whenever she's around, I'm the dream wife. If I as much as look at him the wrong way I'll get a serious tongue lashing from my mum. The fear of her turns me into a perfect wife!

LMAO.....I think eating in your MIL's place should be as irregular as possible. The same is the case with my landlady....her last son and his wife lives beside her flat upstairs....the DIL is a Lawyer, the son...an entrepreneur - I guess since he is home all the time except for few times when he goes out...I doubt though that the man eats in his mother's place....their little son rarely does and I think it amounts to respecting boundaries....the fact that your mother lives close to you should allow a couple attain an exemplary lifestyle....

@Poster, your problem is not necessarily your mother-in-law but your husband. The boy is still not a man, it seems. If you eventually move out of that flat, I doubt the problem will go away. You two probably should go in for counseling to figure out a middle ground of some kind.

Kobojunkie: @Poster, your problem is not necessarily your mother-in-law but your husband. The boy is still not a man, it seems. If you eventually move out of that flat, I doubt the problem will go away. You two probably should go in for counseling to figure out a middle ground of some kind.

Lol . . . you really need to come back to 9ja for sometime. 'Counseling' is not a majic wand that drives problems away!

It depends on the kind of mother-in-law, as for me, my mum's attitude and characters can influence my wife to live with her, but also depends on age, if the woman is more than e.g 65-70, there's tendency for her to develop some unusual characters associated with old age thereby irritation any wife to live with her

ur mother inlaw is a witch.u av to delete her or she deletes u

Ujujoan:

Lol . . . you really need to come back to 9ja for sometime. 'Counseling' is not a majic wand that drives problems away!

Neither is it here in the west but one cannot throw out the benefits of counselling. Those who remain in the minority who have tried it can attest to it's usefulness, at least to an extent.

One thing we as humans like to have is a way to communicate our feelings, and also get answers to questions we have of what others feel. Counseling usually offers a way to get some of both. In the end, if the two parties decide the relationship not worth their working on, they are still better off, with the new answers to questions, and insight acquired, during counseling, to what the problem really was, to begin with.

jennykadry: Why isn't his mother sending him back to his house seeing that he spends so much time in the family house? I have a mother and I know the kind she is, she will be asking my brothers why they are not spending time with their wives.

Can the OP tell me if he eats three square meals his mum's?

shatap dere coconut head.i knw u r nt married [

Well i don't think I'd like to live near my future MIL let alone in the same compound.

NEVER!!

Gaggi: Your husband spoilt u. Now u see him cooking as his responsibility when he was jst trying to be helpful. U are courting trouble for yourself and d young marriage. Leave MIL out of this and become the dutiful wife who doesn't nag and doesn't tell oga to go to the kitchen. Ur husband will start staying in ur flat when u learn to let him be.

i wonder o! Bia madam so after controllin ur poor husband 4 outside u wan do am 4 her mama face akwaya?

Flakeey:

it seems you dont understand it, I don't nag and that is the reason i don't have issues with my in-laws, they all like me.
i never dragged him to kitchen, he did the cookings voluntarily and when he didnt cook the day he got home early, i asked him jokingly and he flared up and i never asked him for that after the second time..his office is close to our house
he gets home around 7pm while i get home around 8.30/9pm, the cooking he does is just to make eba or rice not cooking soap or pound yam...
why didnt he bring out all those behaviours before we moved there?
please be sincere

chai dis woman go wicked o!

I can't live with my MIL or any relations 4 dat matter because their are some MILs who praises u in ur present and talk against u @ ur bck. If u caution ur hubby 4 going there 2 much, they would say u are keeping him away from them and if u allow him 2 frequent there, they will also say u are not making him happy @ home so dat is why he comes there always. I think it is 4 everybody's interest 2 stay far from each other

Kobojunkie:

Neither is it here in the west but one cannot throw out the benefits of counselling. Those who remain in the minority who have tried it can attest to it's usefulness, at least to an extent.

One thing we as humans like to have is a way to communicate our feelings, and also get answers to questions we have of what others feel. Counseling usually offers a way to get some of both. In the end, if the two parties decide the relationship not worth their working on, they are still better off, with the new answers to questions, and insight acquired, during counseling, to what the problem really was, to begin with.

I still don't think they need counselling. Hubby just needs to grow up a litty!
Some issues should just be solved quietely instead of paying a lot of money just to biatch about little problems people face in their marriages!

So u expected ur hubby to be cooking for u always ,what do you think is ur duty as a woman ? Coz he has been doing it before u ve taken it as his duty to cook when ever he returned before you ,BAD HABIT ,pls win ur hubby back by doing all ur domestic wrk until when u finally parked to ur own appartment,

Ujujoan:

I still don't think they need counselling. Hubby just needs to grow up a litty!
Some issues should just be solved quietely instead of paying a lot of money just to biatch about little problems people face in their marriages!

If the husband has troubles, the wife also has troubles. So, there is need for them to go as a couple given that the actions of the one affects the other. She has already tried to make him "grow up a litty" but that has only resulted in loud battles between the two. It is time for counseling . . .no sense in continuing to think the problem will go away,someday.