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Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? - Family - Nairaland

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Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by Nobody: 4:53pm On Sep 26, 2012
I admit and I am also guilty of crying physical abuse against women without doing the same advocacy for Nigerian Men. I know so many Nigerian Men are faced with emotional and mental abuse from their spouses but most cases are not reported because
1. We see it as normal and say "that is why you are a man, ignore her, leave the house for her (leave your house and go where?)
2. We accept it as normal to run people down mentally without caring of the effects of our words on them
3. Most men dont report abuse or even talk about it so as not to appear weak.
However, mental abuse can also be done by Men to their wives but like in cases of physical abuse, the statistic are tilted towards men.
I am from the North, and we were raised to be careful with our words, you will hardly hear people (while I was growing up )using some words, infact people who were verbally abusive were avoided like plagues.
Now it is common place to see a woman shout down her husband and raise hell in front of neighbors holding his collar and daring him to do his worse, seizing his car keys, blocking his ways, verbally running him down "useless,failure, you will never get that promotion because you are an idiot, impotent, spineless, shriveled balls, cant you see your mates" etc. I have never heard of a situation and I have seen so many divorce cases when the man files because of verbal abuse. I know how words can run someone down, when someone keeps repeating words on you, you start to actually see yourself as that.
How did I forget the ones who will actually follow him to the office and create a scene
Men, honestly, how big of a problem is this? How do you handle it? How can we reduce it?
I dont even want to go to the "provoked" and hence rain of insults route, if anyone cannot deal with their issues as adults then you have no business getting married.
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by Johndoe100(m): 5:56pm On Sep 26, 2012
Why can't men handle their business nowadays ? Discipline your women. Keep them in their place. Don't you just love the way their nostrils flare and their eyes widen in fear when you are annoyed? Don't you enjoy watching them cringe before you? Men be men.

If you have a problem with a woman and you are in doubt as to what to do, slap her once or even twice. Honestly it will give you time to think of what to do next. Whatever the case it will help the situation. Ideally you should institute a regular system whereby you find fault in something she does, this will give you practice in scolding her and establishing the fact that she can do nothing really correctly, it will also establish a routine. This works even if she is still a girlfriend, but don't waste your energy on a girl you are not really serious about. Now once the routine is established, you will get better at spotting these poorly performed tasks, up to and including how she greets you when you come in the door. Now when there is a problem from her end (doesn't really matter what) you have additional "sins" you can easily accuse her of. With practice you will learn how to work yourself up into a fury at these infractions. Believe me they quickly learn the signs of your anger and this shuts them up. As I said earlier, look for the physical signs, the flared nostrils, the deer in the headlight eyes. If you still need to, a slap at this point could serve to drive home the point.

Every young man, about to marry or recently married should learn this and PRACTICE it. Your home will be peaceful and your woman or women will LOVE AND OBEY you the way it was meant to be. For men of my age we didn't know these things, I wish I had someone to teach me all this when I was first starting out.
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by EfemenaXY: 6:23pm On Sep 26, 2012
^^ Sick response from a sick mind. Oya Clap for yourself.

Why not just snuff the life out of all your female relations & family members too?? You might want to try out this advice of yours, starting with your mum, sisters and daughter(s) undecided

That way, you can be 100% sure they'll never protest against you or any other man.

2 Likes

Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by Nobody: 6:33pm On Sep 26, 2012
Efemena_xy: ^^ Sick response from a sick mind. Oya Clap for yourself.

Why not just snuff the life out of all your female relations & family members too?? You might want to try out this advice of yours, starting with your mum, sisters and daughter(s) undecided

That way, you can be 100% sure they'll never protest against you or any other man.
Please my Dear, as hard as it is dont indulge in and get sidetracked. The issue here is a serious one, so many threads on violence physical violence but we hardly talk about what men go through because we feel they should be "man enough to handle insults", words hurt a lot, let us focus on that, hopefully some man even one will get respite and even help from this thread just as women have benefited from threads on physical violence. Let us not let this thread turn into man vs Woman, a lot of people will always be who they are no matter what we do or write here, just let it be.
Last time a sad husband posted here on how unhappy he was some said "he wasnt man enough to handle his home" I wonder what that is, yet we empatise with women who come here everyday. Do men have some kind of immunity i am not aware of against pain and hurt?
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by slimyem: 6:38pm On Sep 26, 2012
I'm telling myself Johndoe is being sarcarstic with his post....
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by Johndoe100(m): 7:03pm On Sep 26, 2012
Efemena_xy: ^^ Sick response from a sick mind. Oya Clap for yourself.

Why not just snuff the life out of all your female relations & family members too?? You might want to try out this advice of yours, starting with your mum, sisters and daughter(s) undecided

That way, you can be 100% sure they'll never protest against you or any other man.

The highlighted part is highly disrespectful. Is this what they do in iboland where you come from?


slimyem: I'm telling myself Johndoe is being sarcarstic with his post....

Hmmmmmmmmm.........
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by EfemenaXY: 8:30pm On Sep 26, 2012
Johndoe100:

The highlighted part is highly disrespectful. Is this what they do in iboland where you come from?


Really? How so?

What's disrespectful about asking you to apply your "well-meaning" advice to your women folk? Afterall, you only have the best interests of all ladies in your heart now, abi?

Ever heard the phrase leadership by example?? So come on Jonny, don't be coy & do your thing.

Unless of course (heaven forbid your partial), you're telling us the women you advocate your advice for - aren't someone's mother, sister or daughter??

*** Oh, and I'm not Igbo, though I doubt Igbos would treat their women like that...***
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by Nobody: 9:45pm On Sep 26, 2012
debrief08:
Please my Dear, as hard as it is dont indulge in and get sidetracked. The issue here is a serious one, so many threads on violence physical violence but we hardly talk about what men go through because we feel they should be "man enough to handle insults", words hurt a lot, let us focus on that, hopefully some man even one will get respite and even help from this thread just as women have benefited from threads on physical violence. Let us not let this thread turn into man vs Woman, a lot of people will always be who they are no matter what we do or write here, just let it be.
Last time a sad husband posted here on how unhappy he was some said "he wasnt man enough to handle his home" I wonder what that is, yet we empatise with women who come here everyday. Do men have some kind of immunity i am not aware of against pain and hurt?

Personally I would never advice any man to accept this from his wife. . .
Becuz it devalues a man over-time

Some men have become morons at home whenever their madam lashes out uncontrollably at them at the slightest provocation. . .they have been verbally conditioned to become slaves and accept every bull-slag she offers him. . .
Others dont waste time. They quickly resolve to using the fist and beating sense into the woman.

Bottom line is if a man has been able to successfully study his wife, understands her properly and knows her well enough then there are better more mature personal ways he knows he can employ to handle this situation strongly and to put her back in her place other than using the fists. . .

And perhaps women need to know that LASHING OUT at their partner whenever they angry, in the middle of an arguement or in a bad MOOD is like hurling red hot stones from hell fire at him and can push him beyond limits.


We are surprised why more and more relationships hit the rock these days. . .and this verbal abuse thingy a lot of men face is one of the FLYING causes.

2 Likes

Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by coogar: 10:25pm On Sep 26, 2012
Johndoe100: Why can't men handle their business nowadays ? Discipline your women. Keep them in their place. Don't you just love the way their nostrils flare and their eyes widen in fear when you are annoyed? Don't you enjoy watching them cringe before you? Men be men.

If you have a problem with a woman and you are in doubt as to what to do, slap her once or even twice. Honestly it will give you time to think of what to do next. Whatever the case it will help the situation. Ideally you should institute a regular system whereby you find fault in something she does, this will give you practice in scolding her and establishing the fact that she can do nothing really correctly, it will also establish a routine. This works even if she is still a girlfriend, but don't waste your energy on a girl you are not really serious about. Now once the routine is established, you will get better at spotting these poorly performed tasks, up to and including how she greets you when you come in the door. Now when there is a problem from her end (doesn't really matter what) you have additional "sins" you can easily accuse her of. With practice you will learn how to work yourself up into a fury at these infractions. Believe me they quickly learn the signs of your anger and this shuts them up. As I said earlier, look for the physical signs, the flared nostrils, the deer in the headlight eyes. If you still need to, a slap at this point could serve to drive home the point.

Every young man, about to marry or recently married should learn this and PRACTICE it. Your home will be peaceful and your woman or women will LOVE AND OBEY you the way it was meant to be. For men of my age we didn't know these things, I wish I had someone to teach me all this when I was first starting out.

2 Likes

Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by SisiKill1: 10:29pm On Sep 26, 2012


Hahahahahahahahaha!!

Love it!!! cheesy cheesy cheesy
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by Nobody: 10:44pm On Sep 26, 2012
Nothing wrong in making noise about domestic violence against women, if the men feel threatened let them start up their own campaigns. No apologies!

Nevertheless a woman that feels the best way to communicate with the husband is by holding his shirt, tucking the keys in her bra, barking like a deranged dog, needs to be sent back to her parents house for proper training. No need to use your fist.
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by dayokanu(m): 10:55pm On Sep 26, 2012
hmmm
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by obowunmi(m): 12:45am On Sep 27, 2012
Men are abused. Only a wimp or an impotent man tolerates such rubbish from a woman. Dating and courtship is important. If she shows you her nasty behavior during this period, you had better dump the b,I,tch.
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by Ivynwa(f): 2:16am On Sep 27, 2012


Coogar don come again with these video clips of his that crack one up.grin
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by wonlasewonimi: 2:22am On Sep 27, 2012
Ivynwa: [img][/img]

Coogar don come again with these video clips of his that cracks one up.grin


You no dey sleep?
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by ifyalways(f): 9:17am On Sep 27, 2012
My personal opinion is that any man that is being abused by the wife or GF has himself to blame.

A man is the head of the home, he should be able to control and lead in his home. If he falls short or for any reason fails not to live up to that, that's his own wahala.

Btw, I think abused men can't even speak out. They'll get so mocked and laughed at.
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by Afam4eva(m): 9:24am On Sep 27, 2012
ifyalways: My personal opinion is that any man that is being abused by the wife or GF has himself to blame.

A man is the head of the home, he should be able to control and lead in his home. If he falls short or for any reason fails not to live up to that, that's his own wahala.

Btw, I think abused men can't even speak out. They'll get so mocked and laughed at.
When people say men should be in control, what exactly do they mean? You can't be a leader if your follower(s) is not submissive. It's only when your wife respects and submits herself to you that you can be a man. Some women verbally abuse their husbands and sometimes this men lose it and go on the offensive which seems to be the only weapon they have. They can't engage this women in verbal exchanges because they know they will lose. I think verbal and emotional abuse of men is an issue that should be discussed because some men have run down both mentally, emotionally and otherwise.
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by gst101: 9:36am On Sep 27, 2012
ifyalways: My personal opinion is that any man that is being abused by the wife or GF has himself to blame.

A man is the head of the home, he should be able to control and lead in his home. If he falls short or for any reason fails not to live up to that, that's his own wahala.

Btw, I think abused men can't even speak out. They'll get so mocked and laughed at.
do you know what outcry you would cause among feminists if a man wrote what you just wrote and put women in place of men in your post?

1 Like

Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by gst101: 9:48am On Sep 27, 2012
@ify. What exactly do you mean when you said he should be a man? Do you mean he should become a general in his house? If he becomes a general in his house, your likes would be the first to label him a demon.

The reason why men find it difficult to hold back when abused by women is becos of the likes of you(mostly women) who would see him as weak. Seriously, women like you have to define clearly what you want from your man. The 'he should be a man' is vague and until you stop seeing men who hold back as weak, men will continue to find it difficult to hold back

3 Likes

Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by ifyalways(f): 1:20pm On Sep 27, 2012
@Afam, I'll try to break it down.
Some men, I'm sorry to say are stoopid when they are in love. They downgrade themselves, take all and every poo a girl throws at them just because they (think) they are in love. They hurt but because the seex is good or the girl is pretty hang on to relationships that are not healthy.

2 years down the line, they are married to the same girl and you expect the girl to change?no one should be blinded or foolish just Cos s/he is in love. Once you smell abuse, firmly put your feet down and nip it in the bud. No glossing over or overlooking.

I daresay it goes for both sexe, don't tolerate or give anyone room/power to abuse you.

its neither fear nor cowardice but I know that there are certain lines I dare not cross with my husband. He gets my 100% respect because he deserves it and its mutual.

Afam, if as a man, you don't know how to be firm and lead a woman in love, you have no business getting married. You don't have to be a commando, "rule" over your house or turn your home to a barracks either. Just be a Man. . . to the letter.

3 Likes

Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by coogar: 1:41pm On Sep 27, 2012
ifyalways: @Afam, I'll try to break it down.
Some men, I'm sorry to say are stoopid when they are in love. They downgrade themselves, take all and every poo a girl throws at them just because they (think) they are in love. They hurt but because the seex is good or the girl is pretty hang on to relationships that are not healthy.

2 years down the line, they are married to the same girl and you expect the girl to change?no one should be blinded or foolish just Cos s/he is in love. Once you smell abuse, firmly put your feet down and nip it in the bud. No glossing over or overlooking.

I daresay it goes for both sexe, don't tolerate or give anyone room/power to abuse you.
its neither fear nor cowardice but I know that there are certain lines I dare not cross with my husband. He gets my 100% respect because he deserves it and its mutual.

Afam, if as a man, you don't know how to be firm and lead a woman in love, you have no business getting married. You don't have to be a commando, "rule" over your house or turn your home to a barracks either. Just be a Man. . . to the letter.

[img]http://img504.imageshack.us/img504/5764/applause.gif#applause.gif[/img]
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by stepo707: 1:42pm On Sep 27, 2012
how do one upload a .gif image?
Coogar you wanna help?
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by obowunmi(m): 1:45pm On Sep 27, 2012
Ify is on point. A man that cannot lead has no business getting married. But often times, how does a man learn to lead when his own father committed acts of domestic violence towards momsi?

I think this is where some men get frustrated and commit acts of domestic violence - when you cannot lead, you get angry and begin to see yourself as a failure.

God help us men.
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by Afam4eva(m): 1:47pm On Sep 27, 2012
ifyalways: @Afam, I'll try to break it down.
Some men, I'm sorry to say are stoopid when they are in love. They downgrade themselves, take all and every poo a girl throws at them just because they (think) they are in love. They hurt but because the seex is good or the girl is pretty hang on to relationships that are not healthy.

2 years down the line, they are married to the same girl and you expect the girl to change?no one should be blinded or foolish just Cos s/he is in love. Once you smell abuse, firmly put your feet down and nip it in the bud. No glossing over or overlooking.

I daresay it goes for both sexe, don't tolerate or give anyone room/power to abuse you.

its neither fear nor cowardice but I know that there are certain lines I dare not cross with my husband. He gets my 100% respect because he deserves it and its mutual.

Afam, if as a man, you don't know how to be firm and lead a woman in love, you have no business getting married. You don't have to be a commando, "rule" over your house or turn your home to a barracks either. Just be a Man. . . to the letter.
You're right in your assertions. I think Men likewise Women make the mistake of marrying someone that does not exactly fit into their picture perfect spouse but they go ahead anyways thinking that things will change and when the deal is done, they start regretting their decision.
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by Claus(m): 2:48pm On Sep 27, 2012
debrief08, for someone who has been at the receiving end of physical abuse, I have to say that you handle the subject of abuse in a very objective way. Kudos!

I see some people on here that don't have a good word to say about men who are at the receiving end of abuse. That's a shame.

What does it really mean when someone says "be a man"? Are men not also subject to the same self esteem issues that some women face? Are we saying that those men don't deserve a chance? Does a boy who grew up being talked down to for most of his life suddenly turn into a man that "takes charge" of his home, or can he be fortunate enough to find people, or even a partner that can help build up his confidence and still be considered a man?

Psychological and emotional issues, including abuse, are very complex and affect both men and women. It's a shame that some on here are so engrained in their thinking that they can't see past their prejudices.

2 Likes

Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by Claus(m): 2:50pm On Sep 27, 2012
ifyalways: @Afam, I'll try to break it down.
Some men, I'm sorry to say are stoopid when they are in love. They downgrade themselves, take all and every poo a girl throws at them just because they (think) they are in love. They hurt but because the seex is good or the girl is pretty hang on to relationships that are not healthy.

2 years down the line, they are married to the same girl and you expect the girl to change?no one should be blinded or foolish just Cos s/he is in love. Once you smell abuse, firmly put your feet down and nip it in the bud. No glossing over or overlooking.

I daresay it goes for both sexe, don't tolerate or give anyone room/power to abuse you.

its neither fear nor cowardice but I know that there are certain lines I dare not cross with my husband. He gets my 100% respect because he deserves it and its mutual.

Afam, if as a man, you don't know how to be firm and lead a woman in love, you have no business getting married. You don't have to be a commando, "rule" over your house or turn your home to a barracks either. Just be a Man. . . to the letter.

You may be right here, but perhaps men are also becoming wiser, leading to the number of girls (including very pretty ones) that are being left on the shelf nowadays.
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by coogar: 2:51pm On Sep 27, 2012
stepo707: how do one upload a .gif image?
Coogar you wanna help?

copy the url link, paste here and "[img][/img]" it!
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by Nobody: 2:59pm On Sep 27, 2012
Claus: debrief08, for someone who has been at the receiving end of physical abuse, I have to say that you handle the subject of abuse in a very objective way. Kudos!

I see some people on here that don't have a good word to say about men who are at the receiving end of abuse. That's a shame.

What does it really mean when someone says "be a man"? Are men not also subject to the same self esteem issues that some women face? Are we saying that those men don't deserve a chance? Does a boy who grew up being talked down to for most of his life suddenly turn into a man that "takes charge" of his home, or can he be fortunate enough to find people, or even a partner that can help build up his confidence and still be considered a man?

Psychological and emotional issues, including abuse, are very complex and affect both men and women. It's a shame that some on here are so engrained in their thinking that they can't see past their prejudices.
Very true, Abuse knows no gender, I always say women who nag and talk down on their men just do not have the physical power to batter them but it is the same degree of abuse.
ifyalways: @Afam, I'll try to break it down.
Some men, I'm sorry to say are stoopid when they are in love. They downgrade themselves, take all and every poo a girl throws at them just because they (think) they are in love. They hurt but because the seex is good or the girl is pretty hang on to relationships that are not healthy.

2 years down the line, they are married to the same girl and you expect the girl to change?no one should be blinded or foolish just Cos s/he is in love. Once you smell abuse, firmly put your feet down and nip it in the bud. No glossing over or overlooking.

I daresay it goes for both sexe, don't tolerate or give anyone room/power to abuse you.

its neither fear nor cowardice but I know that there are certain lines I dare not cross with my husband. He gets my 100% respect because he deserves it and its mutual.

Afam, if as a man, you don't know how to be firm and lead a woman in love, you have no business getting married. You don't have to be a commando, "rule" over your house or turn your home to a barracks either. Just be a Man. . . to the letter.
Ify you are right, I also have a husband who had a good example to learn from, a good father, decent and kind man. My Husband knows when to care, when to put his foot down and when to "let me win",However, How does a man who grew up with a mother talking down on his father learn to become a "man", as we make efforts to teach our girls esteem, we should also teach our boys the art of manhood. It is beyond shouting and being a bulldog.
As for carried away with the flashy side and s3x I see that a lot,some of My younger cousins come around with ladies and from a mile away i can spot that some of these girls are wrong for them, but one has to apply wisdom. Beauty and flashiness may attract and captivate for a while but it takes more than that to build a life with someone.
Also how do we teach a boy who all his life has been taught to react to everything with his fist? If there were "real men" everywhere we wouldnt need to open this thread, there is a problem, some men like women get carried away with shallow factors when getting married, some men had absentee fathers and no one to teach them the real meaning of manhood, some men lacked the love and care of a mother, some men raised themselves. We have to look comprehensively at these issues and understand why some men react to abuse the way they do

1 Like

Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by stepo707: 3:22pm On Sep 27, 2012
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by stepo707: 3:24pm On Sep 27, 2012
Thanks coogar.Got it
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by EfemenaXY: 7:05pm On Sep 27, 2012
debrief08:
Very true, Abuse knows no gender, I always say women who nag and talk down on their men just do not have the physical power to batter them but it is the same degree of abuse.

~ Some men had absentee fathers and no one to teach them the real meaning of manhood
~ Some men lacked the love and care of a mother
~ Some men raised themselves.

Wow!! Debrief, how can one identify such men? Okay, the first group I've always known about. I.e, Baby fathers riding bikes in sink estates, school drop-outs, joining gangs, public nusiance, etc.

But the other two groups? Does the absence of a mother really and I mean really affect men?

and how can a man raising himself be a bad thing? Surely, that would make him mature a lot faster, be more aware of his environment and generally smarter (streetwise)??
Re: Men: Please Can We Talk About Verbal, Mental And Emotional Abuse? by Nobody: 7:14pm On Sep 27, 2012
Efemena_xy:

Wow!! Debrief, how can one identify such men? Okay, the first group I've always known about. I.e, Baby fathers riding bikes in sink estates, school drop-outs, joining gangs, public nusiance, etc.

But the other two groups? Does the absence of a mother really and I mean really affect men?

and how can a man raising himself be a bad thing? Surely, that would make him mature a lot faster, be more aware of his environment and generally smarter (streetwise)??
Being raised without a Mother or without a Mother figure in some cases leads to lack of empathy, he may lack the warmth and nourishment of a mother, may lack the moral guidance and small small advices mothers give, i said May, because I know someone who at over 60 still has mummy issues, and as most times women are adviced see how he treats his mom and women around him. I am not saying this is negative but i am saying it is part of the growth and development process of a man.
Raising himself, who stops him? Who cautions him? Have you ever met a man who was the boss of himself? When he goes wrong, no body can advice or talk to him, he softens up to no one because he feels he owes no one nothing, Like i said this is not always the case.
The questions I asked in that post is how do these catergory of men learn to be "men" and in decent control of their homes? I have no bais against non traditional families but behavior is a learned social skill so what happens when they learn wrong or are not taught at all like in the above and other scenarios.

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