To the poster people that are that are too strict wake up with a bad suprise because these kids go crazy when they smell a little freedom.
There is no topic under the sun that my kids cannot discuss with me.
From sex to drugs to what ever .
If there is one thing that i teach my kids, it is to say no and a big no.

I think it's smart for a parent to be approachable like mamaput. What you instill in them willingly, because they want to listen to you, will last longer than what you try to instill to them by force and fear. Children learn by example. If you are well-mannered when you're around your kids, they'll be well-mannered too. If you are not, then all the cane in the world won't make them turn out right.

The Nigerian way didn't work for the parents of Abacha, Ojukwu, Dokubo, Alameigseigha, and co. it will probably not work for you. So thank your stars that you are in a more civilized society, and embrace their way of doing things. ;d. Thanks for participating on the Nairaland Forum!

i wonder, seun if the nigerian way worked for you

I use bad language too .
But I also Tell the kids its anti social to use bad language And i need it as an outlet when am in a bad mood , just like kicking the wall but i almost break my toe.
I only shout in extream cases .Then they also hear me when i speak normal and more important they listen.

Children and young adults are not only influenced by their parents. You can be as sanctified (morally upright) as you want to be but if you're passive and don't restrict or direct your children (young adults) at any time in life, just wait and see how they turn out.

Do I believe in freedom? Yes, I'm the rebel in my family. But, the fact remains, "If you lie down with dogs, you'll get up with fleas". When the children are young they should be taught/encouraged to make the right choices & these choices should be highlighted. As they grow they can have more freedom & make mistakes. By the time they're adults you have to let go.

But rearing a child should not be like sitting on an egg and then wandering away only to return and see how it all turned out in 18+ years.

hey chinani thanks for the tips i hope i get the job sha

as per the last post very true
it also however depends on what kinda children you have but a lot of it has to do with you the parent, if you are too strict , you could end up with preacher kids syndrome, if you are too lax you could end up with the same, best is to ask God to direct you to get a good balance. i mean look at the bible, samuel's kids were seven different kinds of messed up, he was probably lax in raising those kids but they too were also bad eggs, sleeping with women in the temple hehe, that is the kind of thing you decide to do on your own, nobody teaches you that, after all how many of their peers were getting it on with the women in the temple

@ Gigitte

Yes, yes the well documented P-K Syndrome. I've seen many a choir boy on parole. But in the States, there's also a PFA _{(Parents From Africa)} Syndrome. That's none to pretty.

Best wishes for the job.

lol please describe it to me
ive never heard of that

PFA is basically P-K Syndrome but for African youth. In my opinoin, African youth, usually born & raised in America, are the usual perpatrators. I'm Nigerian so I'm mostly speaking about Nigerians here (esp since we have the most numbers). Since Nigerian parents are really strict, the kids act out when they go to college. Some ppl even pass for "Black" so they can fit in and such. From NL, I'm starting to think that Nigerian parents are more strict abroad than in Naija.

@Chinani

I'm starting to think that Nigerian parents are more strict abroad than in Naija.

You're probably not far off the mark and there are valid reasons for this, some of which have been highlighted above. 

Personally I think or rather say, parenting in Nigeria is done collectively by people with the same ideas, who were brought up the same way mostly under a strict regime of discipline and respect for human values.  When you're abroad that responsibility rests solely on the shoulders of the parent and should a child show signs of waywardness the parent feels they have failed.  The feeling comes partly because they see others as being successful in raising their children the 'Nigerian Way'

If we take a step back from our cultural perspective, we'd realise that the common denominator of well raised children is respect for themselves, others and value of their community regardless of differing race or culture of parents. 

I rest my case

silky:

@Chaining
You're probably not far off the mark and there are valid reasons for this, some of which have been highlighted above.

Personally I think or rather say, parenting in Nigeria is done collectively by people with the same ideas, who were brought up the same way mostly under a strict regime of discipline and respect for human values. When you're abroad that responsibility rests solely on the shoulders of the parent and should a child show signs of waywardness the parent feels they have failed. The feeling comes partly because they see others as being successful in raising their children the Nigerian Way'

If we take a step back from our cultural perspective, we'd realise that the common denominator of well raised children is respect for themselves, others and value of their community regardless of differing race or culture of parents.

I rest my case

Nigerians are one of the biggest racist and worse still tribelist that i have ever seen .
They bring up their children in fear as in you must do so because i say so.
If need be they humiliate the children. flogging knelling down and picking pin are corporal punishment.
And then the pretending is the best. What i don't know cant bother me.
These children still do what they want behind the back of mum and dad.
What dose it bring me if my children say goodmorning every day when they are spoiling the family name behind my back .

How does racism come into the issue of raising up your child in a good way

No parent in their right mind sets out to humiliate their child for the fun of it or for personal satisfaction, having said that some parents let their emotions get the better of them.

Back to the point of the thread, regardless of being married to a foreigner well behaved children from any society will have had good guidance, been chastised a few times allowed to make mistakes and come out good at the end of it all.

"The purest of Golds comes through the hottest of furnaces!"

All this talk of values of different cultures is ******** Children out of mixed marrages are considered as lost.
The Nigerian looks at the culture o his/her white partner or foreigner partner as rotten.
What do you call , calling your child all the way from god knows were to give you the knife that is right in front of you .(all you have to do is lift your ass.
What is kneeling down.
What of the yes sir bull ***** is sir and madam our culture?.
Then flogging a child what do you call that. Try flogging an animal in Public on the streets of Europe or USA and see what will happen to you,
Or a teacher that says bring your face to slap.

@mamaput

I have great respect for your opinion but I still think that it is appopriate that as parents we are not only examples for our childern , we should slo have an idae how best we can raise them to be te kinds of people they should be.That is the resaon why someone is called a parent-it is a responsibility over the child without depriving her of the ability to learn on her own.

Even the good book says that it is the child that the Lord loves that He disciplines.I see al ot of the people I grow up with in the same neighbourhood who were just allowed to do their thing back then by their parents when we were growing up .They are the touts and what we call "agberos' in my former neighbourhood now.When my mother ( who raised me along with my four sisiters draw the line, they laughed at me and said I was not free. Most of them can't read this thread or come near a computer now.

The subject of raising kids is one that can generate an unending debate but I respcet the steps that Eniola has taken.But you must communicate your love to those kids in some other ways beyond the rebuke they get.Let them talk with respect to adults as you want them to.Ands even though I am not familiar with european laws governing children upbringing, I do know that parents have that responsibility to do much more than just watch.

Live will never give you what you deserve-it gives you what you demand.Eniola, its your call!

May God be with you!!

Its all about respect.
Your children respect you because they fear you or because they love you.
I have brought up my children to respect grown ups.
But only those that respect them too.
You as a grown up coming to my house cannot say to my kids common get me water to drink.
Another eg . Every morning when my kids go to school they greet the neighbors and the neigbours greet back and ask how they are.
If my kids are loud these neigbours scold them thats ok by me.
But there those that dont greet and dont talk to them. These people have no right to scold my kids for any reason at all.

mamaput:

.
What is kneeling down.

well kneeling down mamaput is a sign of respect for ones elders, so is prostrating. you have been saying that upholding your culture above others and belitting other cultures is wrong but you are in very danger of doing the same thing. i must assume that you are not yoruba otherwise you wouldnt be asking this question. me i dont see anything wrong in kneeling to greet someone, it is a sign of respect because yes elders are old and wise and sagely. the yoruba ppl are big on respect, note the way they talk to elders is different from the way they talk to peers. it is not a sign of subservience nor is it a sign of submission, it is simply a marker of respect, for me it is the same thing as handshaking, pecking whatever. a lot of my non-yoruba friends scoff at that, but that is their own cup of tea.
yes obviously not all elderly ppl deserve respect, which is why once a yoruba person is of age, you do not see him prostating or kneeling to any tom dick and harry, so you tell that if i do not even genuflect slightly to greet so and so, he is prolly not worthy of a young persons respect, so the lack of the genuflection is very telling.

i agree that this respect thing can cause some pain esp when you are the age when you realise a lot of older ppl talk shit and give unsound advice, but i look at the way my dad deals with elders, he does so with tact and i try to emulate, respect is also two fold as it is often said when a child has washed his hands, he may eat with kings, if you are worthy of respect, ppl will exhort, treat you more as an adult, listen to your opinions, ask for advice and generally say you well with other ppl, they will say 'omo dada ni' --->he is a good child. i know from experience that this is true

moreover with the issue of flogging, not every family abuses their offspring in such a manner. it should be the exception not the norm. because yes children should be discplined because they have done wrong, in all cases you must remember you hate the action and not your child. but some parents take it too far, when instead of giving a set number of strokes, they start lashing all over and everywhere. that being said, flogging is not for every child. my father would always talk to me in the tone that just showed how disappointed he was in me and i wud instantly burst into tears while my mom would be yarning and hitting lol, but i am way closer to my mom. you must ask for guidance on how to raise each child because they are all different

actually mamaput whoever is coming to your house and saying 'come on get me water to drink' is not a serious person. in my (yoruba household), having guests is not a small thing, you have to come out and greet the alejo and serve them something, me i think it is just etiquette, abi you want them to die of thirst? it is not even a matter of being the child in the house, if my parents are talking with the person, whoever it is!, i will go and get the tray and serve them. if it is only my parents there, then my mom will serve them, it is not a matter of slavery at all. all this being said, it is very unyoruba and not to mention rude for another person to come to your house and be demanding stuff and worse yet send your kids about. even in my house, when someone did that, the silent insults that would rain upon your head would be plentiful. i think it speaks to the persons character and not a way of raising children, someone came to my house and sat around for a while, and then said 'arent you going to serve me food' when he came past lunch, he then proceeded to say 'make eba for two'. this happened like ten years ago and up till this day we make fun of him for doing that, and yes i did lose some respect for him that day

I meant kneeling down as a form of punishment not greeting.?

I don't know mamaput. Myself, I perferred the kneeling to the beating. I used to whine but in my heart I felt I couldn't complain. How should one punish the child?

I don't punish my kids , i tell them of.
But am lucky that they listen. I must admit i have given out the one or other slap.
But i can count on one hand how many slaps. And always on the leg not in the face.
No two kids are the same so there is on on standard punishment for children.
My kids read my eyes and know what mood am in to know how far they can go.
I cannot carry things in my mind for long meaning sometimes if they do something wrong and i find out when they are not at home, Iwould have cooled down be4 they get home.
By nature am very quite and the kids know me to be so right from their birth , that makes them quite too.
If you are the kind always shouting at home your kids will take that from you.
If you shout at your kids for something they told you, they will stop telling you things.
A good eg at the age of 12 or so a lot of children start smoking , a lot of parents try to ban these kids comming to their house, I dont . Because its no point you cannot stop your kids from doing what they want you can only make it difficult for them.
Rather i will talk to my kid about smoking :

mamaput,are you Nigerian?

Ho yes i am born and raised in Nigeria.
I had a german mum .
What i still have to say whwn a child messes up the damage has been done.
Is it not better to stop the damage befor its done?

mamaput,i understand your view point but do you recognise the fact that telling off an adult in front of your children will encourage them(your children)to be rude to that adult even when the adult is polite to them?

They will grow and learn .
Its all part of life,its good for them to know at their age who they can let into the house when am not at home.
A rude person is generally rude.
No one talks to my kids any how.
They don't answer back when adults are rude to them but they will feel i let them down if i allow it.
If I want to teach my children to say no and take no rubbish, they will want to know if i too can say no and take no rubbish.

By the way i don't tell my friends off i tell my kids of.
But I give friends a piece of my mind.
The woman downstairs sends my kids to by her wine.
Am pissed about that because i don't send my kids to buy hot drinks .The people in the shop will think am not responsible. If need be i will tell her off in front of my kids.
Don't think its because of small issues i tell of people , am not a mad woman.

Raising Your Children The Nigerian Way When Married To A Foreigner!

Just teach the kid how to be lazy and sit in an internet cafe the whole day sending 419 scammer letters.

I think should do the trick nicely

Fair enough mamput,nobody has the right to tell you how to raise your children.Only you knows whats best for them,goodluck with that.

Reverend:

Raising Your Children The Nigerian Way When Married To A Foreigner!

Just teach the kid how to be lazy and sit in an internet cafe the whole day sending 419 scammer letters.

I think should do the trick nicely

Now you have brought me on an idea,Children in Germany are not punishable by law tillthey are 14 so i still have a few years to send my kids ******** b4 they are 14

lol mamaput, sorry see my entire speech about kneeling down

but YES, i so disagree with kneeling down hehe, i ruins the knees of your child, makes them very black lol

gigitte:

but YES, i so disagree with kneeling down hehe, i ruins the knees of your child, makes them very black lol

Oh, vanity, vanity. j/k But really: the child could kneel on a pillow. Is it me, or is kneeling just a form of "time out"?

Abeg why you dey complain? You can't have the best of both worlds you know. You knew you wanted your Children to have an African upbringing and from your write up, most especially Nigerian influence right?

Why then you go marry another culture? It seems you married a whitie from the sound of it. Abeg, put the pacifier in and just let it be. Naija man no dey do una? Pshew!

is it a terrible thing that a Nigerian man marry a white woman? I thought the world has gotten past this point by now. InshaAllah his family will not feel the same way as ppl here. I love his family even before I have met them because they are a part of him. I look forward to learning more about the culture and applying what I can to our lives.

sareyah:

is it a terrible thing that a Nigerian man marry a white woman? I thought the world has gotten past this point by now. InshaAllah his family will not feel the same way as people here. I love his family even before I have met them because they are a part of him. I look forward to learning more about the culture and applying what I can to our lives.

My dear what are you on about? Nothing you said has any bearing on this discussion. Furthermore, this Naija lady married a white man. Perhaps you are one of those who think Nigerian men are chasing or lying in wait for white women. I guess white men are doing their own chasing as well.