Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family - Family - Nairaland
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| Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by MissIfe(f): 12:47pm On Nov 11, 2012 |
I recently visited my grandmother in a retirement home, where she's been staying for the last few years. She is getting older by the day and this is starting to affect her abilities. I felt so bad seeing all these people being taken care of by nurses, in a home that is not theirs, far away from their family. I naturally offered her to come stay with me, my mom offered the same... And she declined. She said she doesn't want to be a burden, that she is doing ok here, that we have enough on our hands with the young ones. I was really disappointed. I thought she would love being surrounded with children, grandchildren and great grand children. The place she stays is neat, she has her own room and the staff is really efficient. They offer activities for senior and she is still allowed to go out as she likes. Still... even though it is the norm in the west, I feel something's wrong in letting her stay there. I want to be there for her last moments, even if that means taking care of her like a small baby. I can't stand the idea of her dying all alone. What do you guys think about it ? Should we just respect her wish and let her stay where she is ? How do you take care of the elderly in your own family ? What plans did you make/are you making to take care of your parents when they won't be able to watch after themselves ? 2 Likes |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by Nobody: 1:29pm On Nov 11, 2012 |
Respect her wishes. I can see where she's coming from. She's surrounded by lots of other people of similar age, and she's content. Upheaval (which is what it would be, if you forced her to live with you) can have adverse effects on her health. As long as the staff are efficient in their duties (you state they are) and she's not being maltreated, I would be content to leave things as they are. Just visit her as often as you can, and let the staff know you MUST be contacted, regardless of the time, if they feel she hasn't got much time left. 3 Likes |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by ifyalways(f): 3:58pm On Nov 11, 2012 |
How did she end up there in the first place? She asked to be taken there or you guys decided to take her there  |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by Nobody: 4:14pm On Nov 11, 2012 |
ifyalways: How did she end up there in the first place? She asked to be taken there or you guys decided to take her there I was gonna ask the same question before I scroll drown and read your comment, many of those seniors rarely go back home because when the decision has been made , trustees, family services and other paper work , its always difficult for them to go back home....I don't want to go too much into details so I will not hurt miss-ife's feelings and for confidentiality reasons .... just leave her be and pay her constant visits ..,.. If you promise to be there for supper, shopping or to bring her ggkids ... be there....and when her last day comes .....you'd be surprised she'd wait for you to see her last breath while she holds your hand ... ... 2 Likes |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by DANILSA(m): 5:36pm On Nov 11, 2012 |
Siena: Respect her wishes. I can see where she's coming from. She's surrounded by lots of other people of similar age, and she's content. Upheaval (which is what it would be, if you forced her to live with you) can have adverse effects on her health.SECONDED 2 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by AfroBlue(m): 5:59pm On Nov 11, 2012 |
Is it not African cultural taboo to place family elders in an human warehouse? 1 Like |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by odumchi: 6:37pm On Nov 11, 2012 |
I think that she desires to live among her children but sees her increasing needs as an impedement to her children's happiness. It is the wish of every man to take care of his children and have his children take care of him when the time comes. However, placing the man in a retirement home/nursing home ultimately defeats that purpose. Furthermore, I think that such an environment breeds depression and sadness. I think, in your case, what she needs is to be in the company of relatives and loved-ones. You might need to set up accommodations for her within your home (if you think that's best). It's because of things like this that our ancestors built large houses and established compounds. |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by r231(m): 7:09pm On Nov 11, 2012 |
Afro_Blue: Is it not African cultural taboo to place family elders in an human warehouse? 1 Like |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by Nobody: 7:16pm On Nov 11, 2012 |
Please let her be oh. Aficans and drama. Nothing wrong in staying in a retirement community, not everyone wants to be surrounded by the noise of grandchildren, we describe roles and pictures and expect evenryone to fit in. The old woman has social activities with her mates, friends, can go in and out without anyone making it an issue, let her be, npt everyone wants to be around children especially these days. If Grandma says she is fine let her be. 2 Likes |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by Nobody: 7:54pm On Nov 11, 2012 |
@Debrief,u make sense die.I doubt I ll need such noises in my senior years. |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by Kobojunkie: 7:57pm On Nov 11, 2012 |
Miss_Ife: I recently visited my grandmother in a retirement home, where she's been staying for the last few years. She is getting older by the day and this is starting to affect her abilities. Aigoo!!. . . you are disappointed that your grandmother did not choose to surround herself with children, grand children and the lot?  Are you being real here? The woman has, over the years, accepted the life she has right now, and probably made friends in that time too. You come along, and expect her to just abandon all that to live with you(be a burden to you) likely with fears that you might rescind your offer when you get tired of taking care of her aging body(note that she is someone who lived the past, probably 50 years taking care of herself), and probably throw her back their or to an even worse situation. Are you serious about being disappointed? Really? If I had access to that woman, I would probably tell her to stay where she is and instead ask you to bring the kids over more often. My gosh . . . talk about being selfish. 1 Like |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by richfaxy: 8:32pm On Nov 11, 2012 |
Even though i dont buy the idea of them staying in aged homes, since its her wish to be left there, then u have to respect her wish. She is comfortable there and you have even attested to the fact that they are taken care of, she sees people same age as she is and she has found a new home for herself there. Just try to see her as often as possible and try to be there during her final hours that is if u can have a hint of it. |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by aadetoyin(f): 8:44pm On Nov 11, 2012 |
There's nothing wrong wit her been in a nursing home because its not easy taking care of the elderly at home. They like attention but its not easy wen u have to go to work. You end up spending very little time wit them and they will feel neglected but in nursing homes they meet other old people who they can relate with. So they don't feel lonely. All u have to do is make sure u re available whenever she needs u. Visit regularly and do things she enjoys wen u are wit her. I had to take care of my grandmum for a little more than a year. It was not easy cos we had different diets and I couldn't spend as much time as she wanted. She always wants to talk but I have zillion things to do. It was fun but very tasking and with her getting older it was really difficult so if I have to choose again, I'll rather choose a good nursing home. |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by tpia1: 8:51pm On Nov 11, 2012 |
what's the point of this thread?  |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by Nobody: 9:26pm On Nov 11, 2012 |
tpia1: what's the point of this thread? Do you see this thread as pointless? 1 Like |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by Nobody: 10:46pm On Nov 11, 2012 |
What are you all talking about? It's never her wish, nobody wishes to sell her comfortable house or compromise her rental property disposing all her precious treasures she acquired in ages and wake up one day and say oh I think I'm gonna spend the rest of my days in old folks home All my years of experience with vulnerable people say 95 out of 100 wish they live with their families and the remaining 5% are non verbal ( can't talk) so what are the odds? Go figure Who told you they don't like to be around kids? Nigerians with their dumb insinuations ! OP like I've mentioned just leave her be and pay her visit to keep her company as much as you can, The Lord is your strength . |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by slimyem: 11:14pm On Nov 11, 2012 |
@op..My family would give anything to have what you have now...a place where grandma can be well catered for and all we just have to do is pay the bills but sadly,there are no trusted old people's home in my town so we are stuck with this great-grandma and its been really hard taking care of her. I think you should let your grandma be..especially since its her choice and she's being taken care of nicely. You shouldn't be worrying at all. |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by ifyalways(f): 11:15pm On Nov 11, 2012 |
Jidegirl, you know right, the OP needs to answer our question as to how she landed at the home first? If they took her there against her wish or sweet talked her into going there, then its understandable if she's rejected their offer now. @OP, how did she end up there initially |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by Nobody: 11:23pm On Nov 11, 2012 |
Miss_Ife: I recently visited my grandmother in a retirement home, where she's been staying for the last few years. She is getting older by the day and this is starting to affect her abilities. She is in the best place for her .She doesn't have to worry about how to get to the doctor's office when she is sick or making you rearrange your schedules to accommodate her. Your grandmother is a very selfless and considerate woman.We need more people like her who will not only think of themselves but the comfort of others. She is in a retirement home ,that doesn't mean she is about to die,so forget about death for now and enjoy her . Most of those facilities have recreational activities for the seniors including outings. She is living out her years well from what I gathered from you What else could explain why she insists on staying where she is.If she returns home with you,she will probably be stuck in the house all alone while you work.In the retirement home,they have lounges where she can interact with other retirees. Respect her wishes and don't feel sorry for her.Visit her often and bring her your local foods and encourage the rest of the family to do same.if she can come on weekends,go pick her up for some weekends and family gatherings. Nothing will give her greater joy than seeing you come by ever so often.By so doing,she will never be alone.Call her at night and say goodnight and in the morning to say good morning ma. You will add years to her years when she knows that love sorrounds her even with this decision. This is exactly what I would do if she were my grandmother and what I would expect from my children and grandchildren when I get to that stage in life. Cheers |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by Nobody: 11:28pm On Nov 11, 2012 |
@ify o, that's the answer you will never get from any family member but mumbo jumbo , also it's not the OP's idea and I presumed she didn't have any say when they shipped that grandma there, just wait and see and watch what she will come up with and our other 'knowledgable' folks on NL history about when they are in her shoes  I have a delicious meatpie to make now tomorrow is holiday? |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by mcevans1(m): 12:42am On Nov 12, 2012 |
Kobojunkie: Aigoo!! . It seems you are addicted to Korean movies. |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by ektbear: 1:01am On Nov 12, 2012 |
Afro_Blue: Is it not African cultural taboo to place family elders in an human warehouse? Not too likely. Or it must be a very recent cultural development, since we didn't have nursing homes before we met the white man  1 Like |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by NewsFlash101: 2:10am On Nov 12, 2012 |
a |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by minute(f): 2:15am On Nov 12, 2012 |
Most elderly people do not like change. They are afraid of losing control of their lives and being dependent on others or taking care of them. If you get worried enough, get her one of those wearable buttons to push for help . .but know she still may not use it . . doesn't want to bother anyone. Maybe you can sit down and just talk about "her" past. Have tea together. Just talk,converse. For no reason. Does she have visitors? Relax and enjoy yourself. . . .make sure she has her favorite candies, puzzles ,kleenex, comort foods etc. Shes a big girl, I'm sure shes in good hands. You can leave gran a bouquet of flowers every now and then and address the card "from your secret admirer" but don't tell her it was you. These are just some things I thought of to help you think of because you may be too involved and have lost a little perspective. I love to talk with older people. They are little treasure troves of history. Their first car,plane ride,radio show,talking movie, first kiss, how they survived the depression or the war. All that stuff is fascinating. I have spent hours and hours in hospice homes listening to stories. They are history on two legs and I love to listen to them. They get that little glint in thier eyes when they talk about thier first trip to bootlegger when Prohibition was on. Or, the scowl when they relate their harrowing experience running from Hitler's Germany or the guys who were in Pearl Habor of the tough old salts who were in the Merchant Marines or the French Foreign Legion. The blush of remembrance of their first dance with a man. Everyone has a story. I hope all works out and you make the best out of life that you can with the amount of time that you have. |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by Nobody: 2:18am On Nov 12, 2012 |
Haba Jidegirl, its not fair to call someone elses view "dumb insinuations", you can disagree but to run down anothers point of view with an almost insultive defination is really not nice. It is a point of view, you may not agree but life presents different points of view, it is not one way or the high way. What you want may not be what others want and if they decide they want something else its in no way "dumb" its freedom of choice. 1 Like |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by Nobody: 2:44am On Nov 12, 2012 |
Debrief Abeg leave me alone jare, I'm not a child and a grown €ss adult and I can choose my words the way I like, you've seen other members here used words like F¥cktard and even worse and when you show up all you do is started cracking jokes with them like it never happened and you dare not tell them what you're telling me now. Pls leave me alone, I respect you but don't tell me what to do/ type... it's a free forum. |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by Nobody: 3:17am On Nov 12, 2012 |
Jidegirl, I only responded because I think you were responding to me. I have never used such words on anyone and it will be unfair to judge me based on how others respond. Should they use those words on me I will say the same thing to them. I don't know what you have going on with others but it will be unfair to use that as a standard, I will never joke at anyone who insults others, I may laugh at anything but not insults to someone else. That I am friendly with people doesn't mean I agree with them all the time, we disagree on issues, but I state my disagreement without belittling or insulting anyone, when I loose it I apologise. If anyone else has annoyed you take it up with them, on the "chores" thread I disagreed respectfully with everyone even when we had different views, took my time to address issues point by point to disagree without using any of those words you said. Look at my profile, believe me I have tried to get people to reduce the insults but at the end I realised that people are different and express themselves differently and as you said they are adults, why I responded was because I was the one who made the statement you termed "dumb insinuation" Anyway, like you said you are an adult and I respect that. Indeed you can respond the way you choose, I get that now. Have a pleasant day 1 Like |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by Nobody: 4:03am On Nov 12, 2012 |
Oh Debrief , I wasn't referring to you atall if that what you thot, we dey fight? ( I wondered myself why you threw the post to me for a sec ) I just made a comment and there's no other word other than dumb that came to my mind and that's it... I don't like fights and back and forth stuff and just so you know I didn't even read your post cos I always thot you say the right thing so I scoll past it I guess. As per the chores thread lol Gosh I wasn't even referring to that.......but it's all good. Have a good one too . |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by MissIfe(f): 7:00am On Nov 12, 2012 |
Thanks all for your replies. For those who asked how she got there, I was abroad when it happened, but I remember that she was renting a small flat nearby my mom's and couldn't take care of the daily chores (food, cleaning etc.), though the children and grandchildren were helping (grocery, cleaning, cooking for her). She wanted to get rid of those tasks. At that time my mom had an available room in her apartment cos me and one of my siblings were already living on our own, so she offered my grandma to move there and have someone deliver the meals at lunch time when everybody's at work. I guess my grandmother already didn't want to sacrifice her independence, so she refused and found herself a retirement home. Now, the second issue is that she didn't want anybody adding up to her pension to pay for the home fees, so she chose one far away home in a remote area, since it was the nicest she could afford with her pension. One of my uncles doesn't live so far away from her and can visit once or twice a month, but for the rest of us we do our best to manage one or two trips a year. And though she doesn't complain, we know that she feels lonely sometimes. We call her everyday, so she receives at least 2 phone calls a day. The first time I visited her there, I was nicely surprised with the home, it is nothing like a hospital room, she could take some of her furnitures and stuff there, and we pasted all her family pictures on the walls. But this time, maybe cos she got really older, I felt bad. I took care of an elderly woman when I was a teenager, and I know it's not easy, but I somehow believe it is our duty. I wouldn't want to end up in a retirement home, so it is difficult for me to understand that it is what she really wants. Of course, if she were to stay with me or my mom or any family member, she would be alone all day, which is not fun, but we could arrange for someone to watch after her when we are at work. I don't know, as someone said, she is a very selfless woman and she spent most of her life taking care of others. Anyway, the decision is not mine, since her children are the first to decide, I think for now they have decided to respect her wish, at least as long as she is able to go in and out. |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by Nobody: 7:44am On Nov 12, 2012 |
Miss Ife, I understand and you have said everything, she weighed it all and that's what she wants. Don't feel guilty just do your best to call and visit as much as you can Jidegirl, I don't always say the right thing, I can only say what I think which may be right or wrong. There is no right or wrong, right to you may be wrong to someone else. |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by Nobody: 11:44am On Nov 12, 2012 |
I'm glad you said you wouldn't want to end up in a retirement home yourself, and that you weren't aware about her children's decision to take her there. No need to bother about spilled milk but to make the best out of it, if you can visit her more please do it.... those staff are paid employees , they can never be replaced with her families and besides they have boundaries on how close they must to clients, they will never fill that void . The Lord is your strength because I know it's not a piece of cake. |
| Re: Taking Care Of The Elderly In Your Family by maclatunji: 12:22pm On Nov 12, 2012 |
It is really a 50-50 situation. You want to be there for them but at the same time, staying to take care of them becomes full-time work as they grow older/weaker. You have to earn a living to take care of them too. Ideally, they should be taken-care off by family but I can understand how and why that may not happen- sadly so. |
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